Malazan Empire: Political Comedy starring Donald J. Trump & Co. - Malazan Empire

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Political Comedy starring Donald J. Trump & Co. Laugh while you cry

#861 User is offline   Tsundoku 

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Posted 21 June 2020 - 06:28 AM

A man walks down a ramp ...

https://www.news.com...eb092f5cdaed1f9

DONALD TRUMP’S FULL MONOLOGUE

“You know, it was interesting. To show you how fake they are. You might have seen it. So last week they called me, and they say, ‘Sir, West Point. West Point. We’re ready.’ I said, ‘Oh that’s right, I have to make a commencement speech at West Point.’ You know they delayed it for six weeks because of COVID. So they delayed it.

“And I went there, 1106 cadets were graduating, and beautiful. Beautiful cadets. So, just to show you how bad the fake news is. So, they say to me, ‘Sir! We’re ready to go.’ I say, ‘Let’s go!’ This is after saying hello to a lot of cadets; inspecting little areas of a building. That was very exciting, actually, it’s beautiful, very old. Studied a lot of our great generals, some of our presidents that went there. West Point is beautiful. Right on the Hudson River.

“But after an hour – the general that runs it is a fantastic guy – after an hour, we land, we do some more inspections and they say, ‘Sir are you ready?’ ‘Yes, I am.’ So we walk like, the equivalent of about three blocks, which was fine. We go on stage, which is fine. They make some speeches, then I make a speech. It lasted a long time, I don’t know, maybe 45 minutes, maybe longer, I don’t know, but a long time.

“The sun is pouring down on me. OK? But they said to me before the speech, ‘Sir! Would you like to salute each cadet, each single cadet? Or maybe they’ll be in groups of two. Would you like to salute? Like this, yes. (He demonstrates a salute for the crowd.) Like this. (He demonstrates it two more times.)

“Almost six hundred times. Do you know what that is? Six huuuundred tiiiiiiiimes. Thank god they were in twos. Cause let me tell you, you do that six hundred times, you go home and you say – it’s like doing a workout without a weight, right? Six hundred times.

“So I did that. Then the incredible helicopters, brand new, gorgeous helicopters, the Apaches and the other new ones that we just bought, so they fly over. And the kids throw the hats in the air, it’s beautiful, it really is, and it was a beautiful day. And we’re all finished. I was on the stage for hours. Hours! Sun – I came home, I had a nice tan. Meaning I had a nice sunburn. The sun’s going right, like that. (He motions towards his face.)

“But I make the speech. Right? I salute for, probably an hour-and-a-half. Maybe more, but around that. Watch, if I’m off by two minutes, they’ll say, ‘He exaaaaagerated! It was only an hour and 25 minutes. He exaggerated, he lieeeeed. He lied, he’s a liar.’ These people are sick, the fake news. (The crowd boos the reporters behind them.)

“So then, I finish saluting my final salute, I said, ‘Thank goodness, thank you very much.’ (He looks to the heavens.) But think of it. So, essentially, almost six hundred times. Now, the general says, ‘Sir, are you ready?’ I said, ‘I’m ready general. Where are we going now?’ You have to understand, I left early in the morning to get there. Now it’s sort of late in the afternoon.

“A lot of these fakers were with us, so they know. (He points to the reporters, and the crowd jeers again.) He said, ‘Sir! We can now leave the stage.’ I said, ‘That’s great general, let’s go, I’ll follow youuuu.’

“And he goes like this, ‘Right here, sir.’ And I walk off. (He walks away from the microphone, re-enacting the scene. He then shows the crowd the bottom of his shoe, pointing to it and mouthing the word ‘leather’ before returning to the mic. The crowd cheers.)

“And the stage was higher than this one. And the ramp was probably 10 yards (about nine metres) long. I say, ‘Generaaaal!’ Now you’ve got to understand, I’ve got the whole corps of cadets looking at me. And I want them to love their President; I did this big thing. I love them, I love them, they’re incredible, and they do.

“I said, ‘General! I’ve got myself a problem, general. Because I’m wearing leather-bottomed shoes.’ Which is good if you’re walking on flat surfaces. It’s not good for ramps. And if I fall down – look at all those press back there, look at that. (He once again points at the reporters, sparking more boos.)

“And this was a steel ramp. You all saw it, because everybody saw it. This was a steel ramp, it had no handrail. It was like an ice-skating rink. And I said, ‘General, I have a problem.’ And he didn’t understand that at first.

“I said, ‘There’s no way!’ You understand, I just saluted almost six hundred times, I just made a big speech. I sat for other speeches. I’m being baked. I’m being baked like a cake! I said, ‘General, there’s no way I can make it down that ramp without falling on my ass, general. I have no railing.’ True. It’s true!

“So I said, ‘Is there like something else around?’ ‘Sir, the ramp is ready to go! Grab me, sir! Grab me.’ I didn’t really want to grab him. You know why? Because I said, ‘That’ll be a story too.’ So now I have a choice, I can stay up there for another couple of hours and wait till I’m rescued, or I can go down this really steep, really, really really – it’s an ice-skating rink, it’s brutal.

“So I said, ‘General, get ready, because I may grab you so fast.’ Because I can’t fall with the fake news watching. If I fall – I remember when President Ford fell out of the plane. You remember? I remember when another president, nice man, threw up in Japan. And they did slow motion replays. True! Right? It’s true. ‘I don’t want that, general.’

“Now he’s standing, big strong guy, and he’s got these shoes. But they’re loaded with rubber on the bottom. Cause I looked. The first thing I did, I looked at his shoes. Then I looked at mine. Very, very slippery.

“So I end up saying, ‘OK general, let’s go, I will only grab you if I need you.’ That’s not a good story; falling would be a disaster. It turned out to be worse than anything. I would have been better off if I fell and slid down the damn ramp. Right?

“So what happens, is I start the joouuurney! Inch by inch, right? (He re-enacts walking again.) And I was really bent over too, you know, I didn’t like that. I didn’t like this picture. This picture I’m sure will be an ad by the fakers. So I was bent over, right? (He re-enacts being bent over. The crowd laughs appreciatively.)

“And then we finally reached almost the end! And the fake news, the most dishonest human beings, they cut it off. You know why? Because when I was 10 feet (about three metres) short, I said, ‘General, I’m sorry, I’m -,’ and then I ran down the rest, right? I looked very handsome. That was the only good part.

“I wouldn’t want to run down the whole thing, because a fall there would definitely be bad. So I took these little steps, I raaaaan down the last 10. And by the way, their tape – take a look. In almost every instance, it ends just before I run. And they said, it was the number one trending story.

“I call my wife. I said, ‘How good was that speech? I thought it was a-’, hey look, I’ll tell you when I make good ones and bad ones. Like, so far, tonight I’m average. But we’re having fun. We’re having fun. So far tonight.

“But I call my wife and I said, ‘How good was it darling?’ She said, ‘You’re trending number one.’ I said, to our great First Lady I said, ‘Let me ask you a question. Was it that good, the speech, that I’m trending number one? Because I felt it was really good.’ ‘No no, they don’t even mention the speech. They mention the fact that you may have Parkinson’s disease. It’s true. It’s truuuee! (More pointing and more booing.)

“They say, ‘There’s something wrooong with our President!’ I’ll let you know if there’s something wrong, OK? I’ll let you know if there’s something – I’ll tell you what, there’s something wrong with Biden. That I can tell you. So then my wife said, ‘Well, it wasn’t only the ramp. Did you have water?’

“I said, ‘Yeah, I was speaking for a long tiiiiime. I didn’t want to drink it, but I wanted to wet my lips a little bit.’ You know, you’re working hard up there with the sun, poouuuring down on you. I love this location, the sun’s like this. (He motions towards his face again.) This way they save on lighting, right? That’s why they did it, probably.

“So what happens is, I said, ‘What does it have to do with water?’ They said, ‘You couldn’t lift your hand up to your mouth with water.’ I said, ‘I just saluted six hundred tiiimes! Like this. (He salutes again.) And this was before I saluted. So what’s the problem?’ And she said, ‘Well I know what you did. You had on a very good red tie. That’s sort of expensive.’ It’s silk, because they look better. They have a better sheen to them.

“And I don’t want to get water on the tie. And I don’t want to drink much. So I lift it up, the water. I see we have a little glass of water, where the hell did this water come from? (He produces a glass of water from under the lectern.) Where did it come from!? And I look down at my tie, because I’ve done it. I’ve taken water, and it spills down onto your tie, it doesn’t look good for a long time. And frankly the tie is never the same.

“So I put it up to my lip, and then I say – because I don’t want it! Just in case. (He re-enacts taking a sip of water.) And they gave me another disease. They gave me another disease. (He drinks some water. The crowd goes bananas. He throws the glass away. The crowd starts chanting, ‘Four more years!’)

“Anyway that’s a long story. But here’s the story. I have lived with the ramp and the water since I left West Point. Not one media group said I made a good speech, or I made a great speech.

“But the kids loved it because they broke their barrier, which wasn’t good in terms of COVID. But they broke their barrier and they wanted to shake hands, they wanted to – and I don’t want to tell anybody, but there were a couple of kids, they put out their hand; I actually shook their hand. OK? I actually shook it. Cause they were excited. They were excited!

“They were with their President, they were excited. The most beautiful, young people. Men, women. The most beautiful young people you’ve ever seen. Think about how you feel, if you’re me.

“So I go there. ‘How did I do?’ ‘Sir, that was a great speech.’ You know, all my people. ‘Sir, that was one of your best, that was great.’ And I say, ‘That’s great, I agree, it was a good speech. I liked that speech.’

“They don’t mention the speech. But they have me going down this ramp at an inch at a time. It’s soooo unfair. It really is. Soooo unfair. They are among the most dishonest people anywhere on Earth. They’re bad people. Bad people. OK, that’s enough of that. I wanted to tell that story.”
"Fortune favors the bold, though statistics favor the cautious." - Indomitable Courteous (Icy) Fist, The Palace Job - Patrick Weekes

"Well well well ... if it ain't The Invisible C**t." - Billy Butcher, The Boys

"I have strong views about not tempting providence and, as a wise man once said, the difference between luck and a wheelbarrow is, luck doesn’t work if you push it." - Colonel Orhan, Sixteen Ways to Defend a Walled City - KJ Parker
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#862 User is offline   Malankazooie 

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Posted 21 June 2020 - 04:59 PM

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#863 User is offline   Aptorian 

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Posted 22 June 2020 - 12:35 PM

Supposedly this video is from Trump's return to the White House after the Tulsa rally.

Look at how deflated he looks. Warms your heart.


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#864 User is offline   Malankazooie 

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Posted 22 June 2020 - 03:03 PM

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#865 User is offline   Azath Vitr (D'ivers 

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Posted 22 June 2020 - 04:53 PM

'Trump: Foreign countries will print "millions of mail-in ballots" in "scandal of our times!"

[...]

"RIGGED 2020 ELECTION: MILLIONS OF MAIL-IN BALLOTS WILL BE PRINTED BY FOREIGN COUNTRIES, AND OTHERS. IT WILL BE THE SCANDAL OF OUR TIMES!" Trump tweeted without providing evidence.

The president in a subsequent post said the 2020 election would be the "most RIGGED" in U.S. history due to mail-in ballots unless "this stupidity is ended."

"We voted during World War One & World War Two with no problem, but now they are using Covid in order to cheat by using Mail-Ins!" he added.

[...] In April, he claimed that "you get thousands and thousands of people sitting in somebody's living room, signing ballots all over the place" when mail-in voting is allowed.'

https://thehill.com/...7vbgoZvNw6lXGsI

This post has been edited by Azath Vitr (D'ivers: 22 June 2020 - 04:53 PM

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#866 User is offline   Macros 

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Posted 22 June 2020 - 07:05 PM

Ironically, I can imagine trump's campaign group (the GoP) being the ones filling in thousands of bogus ballots
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#867 User is offline   Malankazooie 

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Posted 23 June 2020 - 05:44 PM

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#868 User is offline   Azath Vitr (D'ivers 

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Posted 23 June 2020 - 09:00 PM

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#869 User is offline   Azath Vitr (D'ivers 

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Posted 24 June 2020 - 06:59 AM

'Bolton Pledges To Donate All Proceeds From Book Towards Killing Iranians'

[satire]

https://politics.the...aLw_HXPKZ4qPj7w
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#870 User is offline   Malankazooie 

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Posted 24 June 2020 - 05:59 PM

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#871 User is offline   Aptorian 

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Posted 24 June 2020 - 06:12 PM

I don't get the clown picture.
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#872 User is offline   Azath Vitr (D'ivers 

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Posted 24 June 2020 - 09:00 PM

'Chaos breaks out at hearing as GOP lawmaker refuses to stop banging on desk while witness speaks

[...] as lawmakers heard testimony from a pair of Justice Department whistleblowers and two former senior officials over allegations that the Trump administration has politicized the agency.

[...] "Yeah, well he's way beyond his time," Gohmert shot back. "And if there are no rules about when people can talk, there are no rules about when you can make noise."'

https://thehill.com/...osaWmO6Y6zpR_14

'Donald Trump Jr calls to replace vandalised statues with figures of his father

Anyone who vandalises a monument or statue now faces up to 10 years in prison'

https://www.standard...UW_qzXzo6nGT2Bk

This post has been edited by Azath Vitr (D'ivers: 24 June 2020 - 09:00 PM

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#873 User is offline   Malankazooie 

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Posted 25 June 2020 - 02:29 AM

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#874 User is offline   Malankazooie 

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Posted 28 June 2020 - 02:23 PM

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#875 User is offline   Azath Vitr (D'ivers 

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Posted 28 June 2020 - 04:58 PM

'comedian Sacha Baron Cohen apparently infiltrated the "March for Our Rights 3" rally in downtown Olympia, Washington, getting at least some of the right-wing militia attendees to sing racist lyrics along with him about Barack Obama, Dr. Fauci, and the "Wuhan flu."

[...] According to event organizers, Baron Cohen first disguised himself as the leader of a PAC that wanted to sponsor the rally and then hired his own security to block them from getting him off the stage or cutting off the power once he had started performing.'



Crowd really got into shouting 'Chop 'em up like the Saudis do'....

'Trump Tweet Thanks Florida Supporter Chanting "White Power"

[...] Trump tweeted a video of someone in a golf cart shouting the racist slogan, "White Power" and others yelling, "Fuck Trump" on Sunday morning. The video was originally posted by the Twitter handle Fifty Shades of Whey, which noted that the seniors of The Villages, a retirement community in Florida, were "protesting against each other." Trump was seemingly unaware that those protesting against him, who were holding up signs that accused him of racism, were apparently also residents of The Villages. [...] in a post he subsequently deleted, writing, "Thank you to the great people of The Villages. The Radical Left Do Nothing Democrats will Fall in the Fall. Corrupt Joe is shot. See you soon!!!"'

https://www.thedaily...-power?ref=home


This post has been edited by Azath Vitr (D'ivers: 28 June 2020 - 07:35 PM

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#876 User is offline   Tiste Simeon 

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Posted 28 June 2020 - 09:53 PM

My problem with that Sasha Baron Cohen video is that the song is so dang catchy! Like I stated singing it as I was doing stuff around the house!

Otherwise, absolutely spot on. I've seen Facebook posts of people who organised the event utterly freaking out about it, just sublime.
A Haunting Poem
I Scream
You Scream
We all Scream
For I Scream.
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#877 User is offline   QuickTidal 

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Posted 29 June 2020 - 01:53 PM

So I was watching DIRTY MONEY (docuseries on Netflix) and Episode 6 of Season 1 is called THE CONFIDENCE MAN and is all about Trump and his business dealings ect.

What stood out to me, more than the fact that a whole slew of Americans literally bought into the whole "Trump is the best business man because of The Apprentice" narrative that the shows producers will outright tell you was utter bullshit and created for TV...was watching interviews with him in the early 80's. He's like a completely different person in his speech. Back then he was lucid, reasonably well-spoken, quieter and generally you'd never know about his shady shit behind that facade. He was still full of himself, and still spoke in some of his buzzwords (Huge, winning, ect.)....but the complete almost incoherent rambling insanity of the last four years or more was not present at all. You could follow what the was saying, and what his point was.

Basically, if there is a case to be made that Trump is suffering the effects of mid-to-late stage dementia...it is 100% interviews from him when he was in his 30's-40's...the difference is so stark that it could be textbook.

Anyways, episode is also worth watching to see how and why he ended up knee deep in Russian money and why the American public allowed Reality Show asshole Marc Burnett to inflict this POS on us under the guise that he was ever a good businessman, when he's been anything but since his daddy left him money.
"When the last tree has fallen, and the rivers are poisoned, you cannot eat money, oh no." ~Aurora
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#878 User is offline   Malankazooie 

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Posted 03 July 2020 - 12:12 AM

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#879 User is offline   Tsundoku 

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Posted 04 July 2020 - 08:19 AM

The science and logic are impeccable:

US Could Have Avoided COVID-19 Entirely If They Hadn’t Done Testing

https://www.theshove...t-done-testing/

America to stop measuring gun-related deaths in an effort to eradicate gun crime

https://www.theshove...cate-gun-crime/

‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ Prequel Has Dropped And It’s Pretty Dark

https://www.theshove...ts-pretty-dark/

This post has been edited by Tsundoku: 04 July 2020 - 08:48 AM

"Fortune favors the bold, though statistics favor the cautious." - Indomitable Courteous (Icy) Fist, The Palace Job - Patrick Weekes

"Well well well ... if it ain't The Invisible C**t." - Billy Butcher, The Boys

"I have strong views about not tempting providence and, as a wise man once said, the difference between luck and a wheelbarrow is, luck doesn’t work if you push it." - Colonel Orhan, Sixteen Ways to Defend a Walled City - KJ Parker
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#880 User is offline   Azath Vitr (D'ivers 

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Posted 05 July 2020 - 03:30 PM

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