[champ]

31/12/2016

Ah f*** man, I hate all this negativity and having to write about it but I need to keep a record...

I don't want to be this way, I beg every deity that I know of to free me from this Crash... and I'm agnostic.

By now I imagine you're sick of reading about this mood but it is what it is. I am still suffering from it. There is no escape.

8 hours sleep, again normally I would be chuffed with this but I'm flat, I didn't want to get out of bed, then I didn't want to move from the sofa.

I haven't done anything of real consequence today and I don't want to. Deep down that bothers me but I cannot muster the energy to care.

Every time I hear a firework go off I am taken back to New Years Eve last year, a very happy memory which carries so much sorrow now...

I've actually turned my phone on to Do Not Disturb, the thought of being wished Happy New Year will break me... I have nothing to be happy about at the minute... as dramatic as it sounds it is what I am feeling... it's just darkness...

It's just survival, taking one day at a time and getting through it how I can.

[champ]

01/01/2017

A quick rewind to last night...

I had two options:

1) Call the Crisis team
2) Take a glass of whisky, add two sleeping tablets, find a pillow and hope for the best

I went with option 2). It was the quickest choice, I really couldn't face seeing the time turn 00:00 and seeing the celebrations begin.

Not in my dramatic world of darkness anyway...

It would break me.

I carry less emotion today, tears seem far away, I feel almost at the point of not caring anymore, what's the point...

I know if I do that though I'll descend to much worse levels than I am right now...

That is somewhere that I don't want to explore so I'm fighting the good fight, it is such a struggle, just to function is hard, I won't lie but I have to go on.

I had 9 1/2 hours sleep in the end, slow to wake up for obvious reasons, my only real plan for the day is to get showered, go to the shops and see my good friend later on. I'm happy with that day...

Apart from the doing anything part anyway... I'm still having to force myself as the energy levels are at critical point!

I forced myself into the shower that turned into a two hour soaking... to give you some idea of the time I spend in the shower...

I live alone, my metered water bill is higher than my electricity bill...

I've explained it before I think but it helps...

Once I get in, I start off in the whirlwind but then I turn up the heat, sit down and just focus on the water flowing over myself, it turns off my thoughts and I can just relax for a while... a place of solitude because I need it...

Especially today...

The levels of anxiety are off the scales today, I feel sick with worry with nothing to point it directly at... remember I'm in a not really caring mood today so it's irrational and conflicting... confusing...

The last few weeks have really taken it out of me...

I try to find anything to shine some light on my life and look for positives, it's not just a case of wollowing in self pity, I think it can sound like that upon reading this but it's a diary of the mood...

My results...

I find little...

I just want out of this Crash...

[champ]

02/01/2017

Maybe around 8 hours sleep though I did wake up a few times.

I have a little more energy today, I'm not at the point of having to force myself to move, I actually went to the shops and did my washing which I had put off for a few days... baby steps - I'll take what I can get.

My overall mood is still down, still the sigh as I exhale, maybe not the levels of the last few days but the anxiety is still showing it's face, strongly. I have that sick, worry feeling.

I just feel constantly on edge, like something is going to happen at any minute, no idea what mind you but that is how I feel, it does get annoying...

Speaking of annoying... I wasn't going to write this in to the diary but I have to I guess...

It's hard to explain but I'll try...

Have you ever thought about something but something that you not really knew that you were thinking about it until you actually started paying attention to what you are thinking about... yeah, see I told you it was hard to explain but it went something like this:

My brain debating with itself...

Brain: If it ever got to utter darkness and you cannot go on, what would be the easiest way to just end it...

Brain: Well no idea, I had a family member hang themselves, pills and alcohol, I couldn't cut myself, no car for...

Brain: Well you could always Google it...

Me: Wait, what the actual F*** rewind a second and stop right there... NO, NO and No... and I am not F****** doing any research into it, slippery slope...

It was kinda a scary moment, I won't lie, what I am going through is constantly on my mind I guess, it's relentless, it's 24/7 and that is why you got wore down...

It's like when you let your thoughts wonder they go on auto pilot to darkness...

I do actually laugh at the thought of ending it because it does seem so absurd, I couldn't do it to my friends and family as I've said but it's strange that it is still in your thoughts...

Anyway, enough of that for now, it was a moment to ponder on...

I still have the sicknote until the 5th but I am going to try and go in tomorrow, I have to, I need to. I just want to get on with my life. It is going to be tough but I am trying to think positive about it and that I can do it... just it doesn't always work out like that...

I guess I could quote von Moltke - "No battle plan survives contact with the enemy."

Or...

My favourite is Burns - "The best laid schemes of mice and men..."

Either could apply for me tomorrow...

Let's see how it plays out, I really don't want to face people... I really don't want to face the world...

[champ]

03/01/2017

I'm hurting...

To be honest, I'm typing this whilst crying...

I feel lost and just do not know what to do anymore.

The second I think about the sorrow I feel I start to sob... nothing causing it, it's just there...

Well then just do not think of it then you may say... sorry but it's impossible, it's consuming... all consuming...

I fully prepared myself to work today, bed at 21:00 the night before, not even to try and sleep but to just unwind before trying to sleep...

I don't know what happened, I guess the moment I lowered the defences to relax and try and sleep the world rushed in and just tore me apart...

I had two sleeping tablets because I was getting nowhere and just fell fast asleep, woke up once but I had more than 8 hours sleep... A good start...

I guess it didn't really matter, I knew I wasn't fit for work but determined to try... no crying in the shower but I was set into the whirlwind early...

It didn't matter how long I tried to hold it off, the tears came on the way to work, out in the world, feeling utterly worthless and insignificant... I broke...

I got to work and just wanted to sob... by the time I finished talking to the boss I was sobbing...

I went home and bunkered down, cried a lot, hid from the world. Ignored my phone for most of the day.

The second I check it I cry more, to see my friends message to see how I am, I just feel like such a burden to them... they have their own lives and worries without me adding to it.

It's desperation time, I just want to scream someone please help... I can't go on like this...

None will be forthcoming until at least the 19th Jan...

...

I'm...

[champ]

04/01/2017

I don't know how I am still here to be honest...

All day I've battled with the thoughts to just end it... I really don't know how much more I can take.

After writing 03/01/2017 I recieved some really bad news not long after. It's crushed me, tore me apart... broke me.

Even with two sleeping tablets I've hardly slept, I've done nothing but sob on and off since 04:00 and it's now 19:09... I cannot eat, I've had to force myself to move to drink when I literally couldn't swallow anymore from dry mouth...

One of the "rocks" in my life is leaving, going away, probably never to be seen again... after everything of late I didn't think it could get much worse but I've done nothing but sit wrapped in a blanket, in silence and cried...

So much pain, so much grief, so much sorrow. I just cannot see a way forward at the minute.

I'm exhausted, I cannot think straight, it's non stop irrational...

I tried to message a couple of people but ultimately what can they do for me? All I can do is burden and worry them. To be honest I wanted to scream HELP at the top of my lungs...

I've had the Crisis phone number up on my phone all day but I cannot call them, I don't know why, will they think I'm just acting stupid and wasting their time?

All I can do is sit here and cry, hope I fall asleep and get through this...

[champ]

05/01/2017

- I waited until the very end of the day to write this because I didn't want to curse myself...

What a difference a day makes...

Seriously, what the actual f***.

It was the worst day I've ever faced yesterday, how I got through it I do not know, hours and hours of sobbing, thinking of ending it all and today...

Today, I woke up and just felt like a totally different person.

Total mood switch.

Rewind a bit...

I took 2 sleeping tablets at 20:00 the night before and woke up at 06:00, I did wake up a couple of times during the night but I was that exhausted I fell back asleep...
It helped in a way as sleep is a big trigger - I know I'm not fully out of the crash but I know I'm coming out of it...

How do I know?

No whirlwind, no anxiety, no carrying of the sorrow, no thinking of the bad news and instantly breaking down, I have motivation and can move from the sofa, appetite is back to normal, I went to the shops, I only had a ten minute shower, yes really! I even went to the gym though gym and meds do not mix - ugh...

I know I'm not fully out of it yet though as I do still feel a bit flat and had a 2 minute upset moment earlier but rather than it turning into World War 3, I was able to shake it off...

For someone who craves consistency and routine, it's practically impossible to do that at the minute with such dramatic shifts in mood. It's frustrating but I'm just happy to be coming out of The Crash now, I wasn't sure how much more I could have took of it...

It's like my body torments me, I came out of the Hyper when I couldn't take anymore of it and now the same with The Crash...

I think I've mentioned before, it's a total different way I live my life...

Three different ways... for a sustained period of time...

Hyper
Normal
Crash

Can I just have some balance please?

Tomorrow will be the true test to see where I am at though, I am going to attempt work... dun dun der!!!

[champ]

06/01/2017

Right...

I think I'm going to have to do this in two stages, first a summary of the day and then some assessment at the end now that I've had some time to myself to think... it has only really just clicked in the last few minutes where I may be heading and why I'm writing now...

I've got a feeling this may be a long one, you'll see why as I come to my conclusion...

Let's try and spot the signs on the journey to see where this is going...

But first, the sleep...

Or little of it, my first thought on this was due to me deciding not to have a sleeping tablet, I was already exhausted from the gym and everything else included, I wound myself down and went to bed for 22:30... I honestly felt that tired that I didn't need one and want to save them for when I really do need them...

Yey, I was still awake at 01:00 tossing and turning - guess I did need one but I was too distracted - having adventures in my head and thinking of the most random subjects possible to explore, some funny observations I'd realised that came from nowhere had me laughing away rather than trying to sleep... It could also be due to the Fluoxetine as I do get restless sleep from that too... but I wasn't getting anywhere fast... Once I got to sleep I woke up at least four times too, each time I woke as if in anticipation of something to come... not bad anticipation but almost, "is it time to do something yet?"

Not a great start considering I planned to work today, so little sleep...

I finally gave up trying to sleep at 05:00, hopped in the shower for an hour then chilled until work time... strangely energetic...

You know, I was happy, I'd had a shit night sleep, I was facing my first day of work after a while, I'd had a very difficult week apart from yesterday... but I was happy...

First thing I noticed was that I was back whistling and singing in my head... we'll come more to that later but remember the singing...

Got to work, it was a little bit strange at first, spoke to the boss and confirmed all was okay and planned to get into action, I didn't speak much at first but that changed as the day wore on and I came out of my shell, I found the old "work" me, on the ball, capable of working and multi tasking... I got mega busy and found myself getting on edge around 15:45 so stepped back a bit but I made it through no problems...

I found I was able to laugh and joke on, able to wind people up as always and have fun... but I also found I had some irrational times of irritation, as in after the moment has happened I'm thinking eh? Why did you do that...

But overall I started to have a laugh on with everyone...

By the time the work day was finished with I was tired in my body but alert in my mind... I'd take that with everything that has happened of late - it was a good day really though some moments have left me shaking my head...
What did I do on the way home? Oh nothing much but decide to wind myself up on certain subjects that have happened over the last year plus, totally old history but I found moments to think, "yeah that happened and now I realise why," just showing general annoyance to the world, I walked by a guy with a hat and my first thought was "what a f****** idiot for wearing that," hmm where did that come from? That's not normal me...

Now I want to come back to the singing... I don't know if this is important but I thought enough to mention it...

From the shower this morning to writing this now, 19:47, I've had the same two lines from a song on constant repeat in my mind, now I'm not just talking about where you say you have a song stuck in your head type level on repeat... I'm talking about these two sentances almost taking over every single moment that my brain wasn't thinking about something... as if my brain had to be doing something at all times, no shut down... it almost got to the point where the lyrics tried to invade and take over and distract me from what I really had to do and work...

It's actually got the point now where I'm just playing the tune to those two sentences over and over whilst my brain isn't trying to focus on something else. This happens most of the time when I start to... we'll come to that later...

Now I got home and just chilled for a bit, assessed the day and started to go into Dr. Champ mode, to me then I was feeling "normal" but I started to think through the day...

We may as well get to the conclusion...

If what I've really learnt of myself over the years of suffering this... I'm on the way up...

I could be wrong, it'll be interesting to see where this leads, but I am writing this now to see if I am starting to recognise the signs...

The signs?

The hardly any sleep but energy, the brain on overdrive, the irrational irritation, the annoyance at totally random stuff... but the main one as I have wrote before...

It's all in the eyes, it sounds daft (I probably said the same thing before) but that is the point where tonight it clicked... I should be knackered after the week I've had, throwing in my first time at the gym for a while and first full day of work in a while... but the eyes are widening and I'm becoming alert...

That caffeine feeling is creeping in...

Is a Hyper coming?

My mind and body are telling me it is setting in... let's see if I am correct...

If it is... I'm like a f****** yo-yo...

[champ]

07/01/2017

So are my assumptions correct so far on the shift to Hyper?

Well after 4 hours sleep last night - waking up three times - by 14:00 I had cleaned the house, washed the dishes, sorted and completed my washing, gone to the gym, done my shopping, prepared and started to cook a slow cooked beef dinner and had a shower...

And my first thought after all that was what can I do next?!

With The Crash, I can have a routine of sleep between 11:00 - 16:00 easily on a day off and this is when I catch up on the lost sleep of the night before...

With the hyper, I don't need rest... yet...

I had time to fill until my mate was coming over later on for the night.

So... start a film and watch half, start an episode and watch most of it but save the ending, put the computer on and oh, forget why I had thought this would keep me entertained...

Ah let's do some free weights in the house, nevermind the gym earlier...

Another thing, take a certain "thought" that when on The Crash would bring me sorrow and sadness, this "thought" when Normal I would think nothing of it and shug it off, "thought" when Hyper gives me an intake of breath and a quickened pulse in anger...

Same guy, same brain, just what feels like a different mode all together...
Don't get me wrong, I'm in control, I'm just explaining the way it feels...

Something pisses me off - that really shouldn't, something really daft - and for a split second it's like a quick thought and bodily reaction, quick intake of breath, eyes widen, pulse quickens, you almost feel the adrenaline kick in as if you're ready for anything, but constantly this happens with each new thought...

And...

The trouble is when like this, I've managed to string the "thoughts" together to get myself really pissed off about a random subject that wouldn't bother me normally. to the point where my entire body is tense and on edge...

My neck muscles strain against it... I am not like that today, nowhere near to be honest but there are plenty of times where I've worked myself up to this point...

Also how do I know I'm feeling rather Hyper?

Well I'm writing this now and using it as an excuse to avoid sleeping... I'm sure I'll find something to do after too... My mate has gone and ready for bed were their last words... it's now the last thought on my mind...

I've had the grand plans, I'm going to do this and that, change this and that, I have a determination to see it through...

I've got plans for the gym in the morning, 10:30 with a friend so obviously rest and sleep isn't a concern...

I also remembered something from my youth, when all the shit had gone down and I was dragged along to my "new home" - I was around 10-11 years old - I became obsessed with shapes, making patterns in my mind but they had to be symmetrical, I'd spend hours alone in my bedroom, eyes closed making different images, I'd play out one side of a pattern in my mind and then have to replicate the other side exactly, new shape after new shape... they had to have symmetry...

I found myself doing it earlier and this is what triggered the memory... something I think I do subconsciously almost... 20 years later...

I don't have much an issue with the songs or lyrics today, that only lasted until around 13:00 today...

All this and I'm nowhere in full swing yet...

Yey!

[champ]

So I debated about posting this next part - on the 8th I kinda had a bit of a meltdown, wrote this in anger and didn't write for a few days...

It is what it is, I wrote it, I can't defend it, I guess it helps in a way explaining where I was at so I decided to keep it in...

I'll still spoiler it because well, yeah...

Spoiler

FUCK YOU!

IF THERE IS A GOD, FUCK YOU, SERIOUSLY... FUCK YOU AND FUCK OFF.

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS LET ME MAKE PROGRESS, TWO STEPS FORWARD THEN NO MATTER WHAT YOU ALWAYS DELIVER A SLEDGE HAMMER STRAIGHT TO MY FACE SENDING ME RIGHT BACK AT THE BOTTOM.

EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. TIME.

OH RYAN LOOKS LIKE HE IS GETTING HAPPY AGAIN, WE CANNOT BE HAVING THAT...

JUST FUCK OFF FUCKING WITH MY LIFE.

WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE A LIFE LIKE THIS?

I DO NOT CARE ABOUT MYSELF, JUST OTHERS, MY PURPOSE IS TO TRY AND LOOK OUT FOR THOSE AROUND ME... THAT IS WHAT I DO...

NO MATTER WHAT I DO IT HAS NEVER BEEN ENOUGH...

WELL FUCK YOU...

WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER ANYMORE...

WHAT IS THE POINT TO IT FUCKING ALL...

[champ]

12/01/2017

I'm so Hyper... my sleep is all over... my body is knackered but my mind is AWAKE!

What a week, where have I got to?!

The best way to describe my current mood is "OASFODHFOADJFSDFJSDF!"

Though I need to keep this updated so forcing myself to write now, this could take a while... concentrate...

I guess I best rewind first to the 08/01/2017...

I'm not proud of what I wrote on the 08/01/2017, I was tempted to delete it but I guess it shows what my mind is like when I have a complete meltdown...

I don't deal well with bad news I guess...

Sunday 8th started off "great," I didn't have too much sleep but I was on the high so it didn't really matter, after maybe 4 hours sleep I was up and at the gym by 10:30, got done in there, shopped and got settled down for an unwind of a day... generally buzzing really...

Then bad news arrived... one of my closest friends from work and an absolute rock for me did get the other job in the end and I recieved the news Sunday and I went into absolute meltdown... they would be gone by Friday 13th (typically) with thoughts that I would never see them again...

Anger, rage, frustration... absolute sobbing... my mood went all over the place, I got trapped in my head and hours went by with my crying or just looking into space chewing on everything... it was like my world was ending... I wanted to release the frustration... it played out in my mind just smashing up my place...

It just felt like I couldn't go on, the best solution that my head was telling me was to end it, I had to fight so hard to get this out of my head or not remove it totally but to just try and ignore it... I won't lie, I did sit and think how could I do it but more of a fantasy probably to just get me away from the erratic moood I was in... It was a terrible day...

I tried calling a couple of my close friends but two were working overtime and one wasn't available...

I felt I had no option, I had to call the Crisis Team, I couldn't think rationally and just needed to talk to someone, to help try get my brain functioning again and thinking through the problem logically rather than just ARGH. My best option I had was to take some sleeping tablets and just hope for the best in falling asleep...

That was around 17:00, I battled through to 19:00 after some advice, took two sleeping tablets and just passed out around 21:00. It didn't really help though, I've said before the sleeping tablets do not keep me asleep when on a Hyper... nevermind throwing in the bad news...

00:00 I was awake, 01:00, 02:00, by then I just gave up trying to sleep, my mind was all over, I just got up and sat wrapped in a blanket in the dark lost in my own world... I maybe slept around an hour between 06:00 - 07:00 and my alarm went off for work...


09/01/2017...

A blur... I was again, all over the place, I didn't go into work, called two friends around 08:00 in anger and tears, my mind was in gear 1000, I couldn't think straight... much of the day passed by with me doing very little other than trapped in the whirlwind...

This went on until around 21:00, all f****** day like that, one point I just wanted to let loose at the world, the other I was actually letting out anguished wails whilst crying, I just couldn't function...

I must have finally just crashed out asleep from exhaustion, I was dead to the world, got sleep from I don't know when but it was probably 5 hours sleep in total...

The day really is just a blur...


10/01/2017

I woke up still chewing but much less... Recharged kinda...

Once the initial shock factor was over I started to shurg off the bad news and think f*** it, I'm ignoring this, I'm Hyper... I think I've said before Hyper me lets Future me worry about it...

Shower power!! I sorted my head out in the shower, figured I can work and do this...

And my mood went through the roof...

DON'T STOP MOVING BABY!!!

Total HEEYYYOOO HYPER kicked in...

That news went on to ignore and I was bouncing...

Started dancing about after the shower, getting ready for work, singing away thinking f*** it today I'm conquering the world... or work anyway to start with...

My mind was racing but it was racing in a functioning way for a change, I had all the ideas of what I can do that day, who I should talk to, what I needed to get sorted, the whole button pressed, right lets get my life sorted, full motivation GO!

And this is the scary thing about the HYPER, when you experience moments like this.... IT.IS.AMAZING... honestly, that guy from Monday? Who is that, I F****** LOVE THE WORLD AND THE WORLD LOVES ME...

The good at his job, laughing, talking, cracking on bloke was doing his thing...

I breezed through the day like I had caffeine on drip... I wanted to talk to everyone and wanted to do everything at once...

It was a while since this guy had got to play so I thought f*** it and rolled with it...

Made the most of the time with the friend who was leaving and ensured it was a happy time rather than sad, how it should be at the end...

The night I had plans to see a mate but it got late... 20:00... yeah I thought that was late everything considered... and we rearranged for the next day so we could have a better talk of everything going on...

I went to bed for 21:00, probably fell asleep around 02:00 though having the wild adventures in my head - obviously anything but sleep - slept a couple of hours and was up and active, ready for another day...


11/01/2017

Pretty much a repeat of the day before, it rocked and I rocked obviously off very little sleep but ENERGY baby...

I multi-tasked the shit out of work, had a laugh and probably didn't shut up but anyway...

One of my closest friends came over that night, I pretty much gave a full update and I talked about it all, the darkest times to the highest, the pity, pain and sorrow to the DON'T STOP MOVING BABY!

It was good to talk and explain plus he is like a brother to me anyway so it is always a good catch up, something we plan to do more regular again... I look forward to it...

I had to have a sleeping tablet to help me sleep that night, not much in the end, I was up from 03:00 but that didn't really bother me, I was still hitting the high streak so I kept myself busy then had a nice long shower... obviously...


12/01/2017

So it was really the events of tonight that made me decide to write this...

Ah man, you can only hold back the bad news so long... even when like this...

It's not until now that I realise what I had done and totally blocked out the bad news... I hadn't turned it into positive or good vibes, I had just stubborn-arsed-typical-male shut it out...

The day at work was okay, my mind was racing but I could function, got through to lunch without any incident and the friend and I had our normal lunch together but then it started to creep in that this will be the final time we visit our usual cafe together before they leave...

Wait? Yes... remember that... tomorrow is the final day... after 3 years of travelling to and from work with each other - minus a few month inbetween the first and second year - working with each other, lunching together every day, just being a support for each other through those years, tomorrow is the final day of all that...

Gate... Open...

Everything I blocked out came rushing back in...

Now I've strung together a few nice days of this Hyper so it didn't crush me straight away but it started to dawn on me...

Honestly, I had totallly blocked it out...

But it is happening...

Tomorrow...

Sledge. Hammer. Face...

F****** hell it is tomorrow...

I kept it mostly together until 16:59...

One of the people from work isn't in tomorrow so it was time for them to say their goodbyes...

Sledge. Hammer. Face...

F*** me, that was painful seeing that...

Sledge. Hammer. Face...

We travelled home together and I was in a state of shock and emotionally on edge there was no two ways about it...

I broke at the end when it came to say goodbye and it's not even the final day...

Now I'm running on empty with that dawning... but I'd promised I would go to the gym tonight and I made sure to keep that promise...

It would help release some of the emotion though I am really starting to run on empty now...

I go with one of my closest friends and to be honest my head was all over, my mind was racing and I was lost in my own world even whilst doing reps at the gym, I could have easily cried if I let myself but I fought it back...

Got home and started to write... god this has taken hours to concentrate enough to write this all down...

I really do dread tomorrow, if you asked me last year what is one of the worst things that could happen... this would be it... I actually asked myself that question last year - name two of the worst things that could happen to you within the next year and both became true...

Tonight and sleep should be fun, at least I've wrote long enough to make me sleepy and wonder where the night has gone...

[champ]

13/01/2017

Today was the day...

It didn't really matter what type of mood I was in today... it was always going to be a bad day all things considering...

I was losing my Light...

I hardly slept, too much racing through the brain to turn off...

I still feel awake and alert though my body is seriously hitting zombie mode now, awake for hours on end...

Anyway, the day...

You know when things just do not go to plan... well that was how Friday started, especially with the lack of sleep then the snow messing up all travel plans... kinda went from there...

I was just no good today, total Hyper mixed with a depressive situation, such a mixed state had me all over the place.

I'd be happy, then irrational and bite and want to argue, then upset and on the edge of breaking down... I lost count of how many times I had to hold back tears today or how many times I actually did cry... though I did try everything to keep it together.

The morning went by in a blur, I wasn't too bad to be honest - considering the above - I expected to be much worse but I was able to work and function...

We had our final lunch together which was really nice but edged with emotion.

The closer it got to 17:00, the worse I got...

There was no way of avoiding the situation or ignoring it anymore, it was happening today...

By the time 17:00 came, work goodbyes had been said and the time came four our journey home for the final time, I was upset, there is no two ways about it. The worst thing that could happen was in the process of happening...

How do you say goodbye to an amazing person? Who is there for you day in, day out, I probably spend more time with this person than anyone else in my life... and they are leaving...

Once we had said our goodbyes, just getting to my house was difficult, I was pretty much devastated, the moment I walked through the door I just wanted to sob... I did...

Tonight was the first night I've drank at home in months... I just want to get drunk, fall asleep and forget the world...

I'm a f****** wreck...

[champ]

I'm writing this during the day of the 16/01/2017...

My weekend was a blur...


14/01/2017

I had such a vivid dream on the 14/01/2017 that I had to text my mate to ask if it was real or if I had imagined it...

When I am like this, everything just merges together.

I do not sleep, I am lucky to get more than a couple of hours sleep at a time... it's so restless...

I've fully hit Zombie Mode... I want to do everything but my body feels broken...

Brain = energy, body = dead...

Saturday I slept fitfully all day, I hadn't planned anything for the weekend as I knew I would need a recovery weekend... it didn't really help. I wanted to do everything and nothing... I needed to recharge but that was the last thing I wanted to do...

I was still upset from the day before though it wasn't as bad... I was ignoring it in a way I guess, like I can do sometimes when like this... Or maybe my brain was racing too fast to lock down on any specific thoughts...


15/01/2017

I can remember watching a full film from 02:00 - 03:45, sleep came around 05:00 for a couple of hours...

Sunday was much of the same, throw in my irrationally trying out the gym too, my brain won out over common sense, I went to the gym, shopped, cleaned all by 11:30am, I got a shower and my body returned to zombie... I had exhausted myself too much, the rest of the day a blur...

I really cannot pick anything out of consequence that happened...

I was trapped in chewing myself up when I could think... Tomorrow - which is now today - will be my first day at work without my Light... I really did dread it and felt sick just thinking about it... I knew it really wouldn't set in until I was actually facing the day...

[champ]

16/01/2017

It wasn’t the best of preparation for the day... only four hours sleep...

I was pretty awake though and surprisingly not trapped in a whirlwind when I first woke up...

I was energetic and bouncing around really, I did get the sick stomach lurching moments when I realised that I wouldn’t be seeing my good friend today... It was horrible, so many moments where I thought oh I’ll do this... oh that is right... I cannot, they are not here...

Overall though the day went quickly, much of a blur, I was busy at work and that is good for me when I am like this... when I can concentrate and function anyway...

The second I wasn’t busy or “thinking” I soon started to chew and get wound up...

I couldn’t face taking lunch alone and really did not feel hungry, my appetite lately is non existent so I just sat in a quiet room to myself and tried to slow down a touch...

It helped in a way, an hour of peace let me get under control again to see out the day...

The trouble is... I got through the day okay, got through the night okay – my good friend came over and we had a good chat – but when it comes to sleeping it was non existent.

I gave up trying to sleep after two hours and decided to write this update instead...

Tomorrow if I do not get to sleep any time soon I am going to be well Zombie!!

[champ]

17/01/2017

Just a quick update, this will be the last time I write in the mood diary for a while, I’ve got the CMHT meeting on the 19^th, it is a funeral tomorrow and I just want to shut down and forget the issues for a while – no Dr. Champ, no self analysis, just a relax.

I think I’ve typed enough to be honest...

As for today, I’ve just got to work... my sleep was atrocious again last night, I didn’t get more than two hours of sleep consecutively, awake every single hour without fail, tossing and turning all night, having weird, negative dreams... the moment I woke up my brain was awake... too much going on, too much coming up to think clearly...

Overall though I’m feeling happy yet really, really zombie...

I’ll get through the day... I know that... I just need to figure out how I’ll stay awake.

I’ll give an update after the CMHT appointment...

Let’s hope... Unfortunately I have a feeling this isn’t going to be any Hollywood ending...

[champ]

19/01/2017 CMHT Report:

Cyclothymia or Bipolar.

Signs of the lows/highs point to confirming Bipolar, the fact that I remain in control most of the time could point to Cyclothymia....

Such lows/highs as I have are rare with Cyclothymia though.
On the other hand I haven't totally lost it as some people can on a high with Bipolar... yet. (note 2.2)

Point to consider for remaining in control - back and forth:

1. Noted as child I was obsessed with patterns, creating half a pattern and then having to complete the other half with perfect symmetry, points to a coping mechanism for a difficult childhood and long standing problems, self created and developed coping mechanisms for mental problems from an early age...

2. I am at a key age, 31, medically at 30 your brain is fully developed and it will not progress any further, it is only downhill (brain wise) from 30 on a development stand point so;

2.1 I have created the needed coping mechanisms/brakes for Bipolar and this could be the worst it gets as I already have them set in place with suffering from it from an early age...

or

2.2 It is getting worse now as I have passed the brain development age and signs point to it getting worse with age - current case for example: 55 year old male had first hopsital visit from Mania after suffering from it for 30+ years.
note: Time of year - Christmas - the year I've had and incorrect medication could also be a trigger for recent developments.

2.3 If Cyclothymia, likely to progress to Bipolar due to age.

2.4 It is what it is now, try not to stress about it too much, I'm stuck with it.

Further investigation needed.

Medication routine:

Reduce Fluoxetine from 60mg to 40mg - immediately - for two weeks. After that, I should be able to come off it quicker once I get down to 20mg. Have to ease off it or I will suffer withdrawal symptoms. Clear evidence that this is incorrect for me and the increase in dose sent me into a manic state.

Take Quetiapine 50mg for three days, 100mg for three days, then 150mg for fourteen days. This can be increased to 800mg. After my body is set on 150mg then the side effects will be at it's worst. After 150mg, the side effects will appear the same as if I was taking 800mg.

Expect severe side effects each time I increase my dose initially - 50 - 100 - 150mg.

Three - Fourteen days for the full side effects to wear off.

Most likely side effect: Sickness, Headaches, extremely groggy and sedated on a morning.

Key point - get through fourteen days then go from there before making a decision on the medication, expect to have a horrible first two weeks. It will treat both mood states and sleeping issue. Best medication for it. Alternative is Lithium.

Quetiapine - may increase weight due to increased appetite, must control it, medication doesn't increase weight, it's the increasd appetite that will.

Lithium - likely to poison my kidneys long term.

No contest.

Once my body is used to Quetiapine, another drug will be added to the treatment but my body could not cope with the Fluoxetine, Quetiapine and this other one at the moment. Need to be at 150mg Quetiapine, 0mg Fluoxtine before this new one is introduced also.


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So I have had just over a week on the new medication now. The first few days it totally kicked me ass, this was an entry I wrote for my first days experience:


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19/01/2017

19th - After the appointment:

You know, the appointment went better than I expected, Dr Soriene was great, I was able to get most of what I wanted to say across, we acknowledged the issues and plan of action, that's the main thing I needed, a plan of action and to feel like it's moving forward with the progress rather than being stuck just waiting for the next appointment...

I guess the main point of call with this update is the "M"edication...
F*** me...

Day 1 = gameover and goodnight...

Eyes closed for a second... sleep came for hours...

I first took the 50mg, tried to fight the sedation for an hour or two... next thing I know I open my eyes, it's the next day and 15 hours has gone by... I was able to stay awake long enough to have some toast and go to the toilet before my eyes closed and another three hours had gone by.


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But all in all, apart from the sedation, things have gone well. I've noticed a distinct difference in my mood state...

I laughed at the TV for the first time in a while, I noticed it because it felt like ages since I randomly, genuinely laughed.

It's funny, when the medication starts to wear off, I can feel the hyper raging in the back ground, it's still there and present, it just feel like my brain cannot access it or it cannot be bothered to access it.

I have a review on the 2/2/2017 so hopefully onwards and upwards.

[champ]

04/02/2017

So I'm writing this, not because I need to - not at the moment but I guess we'll come to that - but because I want to...

I guess I'll start with...

02/02/2017 CMHT Appointment, 11:30am:

Bipolar...

We spoke about the need for me to continue the reduction in Fluoxetine, that it helps jack-diddly-squat with Bipolar Depression as seen with the evidence over Christmas. There is no reduction in the time spent in that mood phase, there is no ease in the turmoil, there is nothing that it really offers me...

It'll help with depression but not Bipolar Depression...

At least knowing this, I now know that... Hmm...

Well...

It's hard to put into words. Christmas and the last few months... hell...

The fact that it was so hard whilst I was on an apparent antidepressant made it worse, that there was no let up whilst on this medication tore me apart with thoughts that even with meds... I am still THIS bad... now that I know WHY it didn't help... helps... in a way... I'll take what I can get. I knew that they were to paint over the cracks until I could get some proper help but in my mind they should have at least offered some let up...

It's not until I've had some time on the latest medication that I can make that comment with certainty.

The difference is dramatic but apparently I am going through medication naivety at the minute...

It appears better than what it is for me as I am not fully used to the medication yet... so my body is reacting better... in a way...

After talking through this for a while, I came to realise that my mood has switched over the last few days to normal mode. Yes the medication has helped in bucket loads - mainly with the mucho sleep I have had lately - but once my body starts getting used to it, it won't be as good as what it is at the minute and I need to be aware that this will happen and not to be disheartened...

At the start of the week, once the Quetiapine had started to wear off on the afternoon at work I had started to feel it difficult with the racing irrational thoughts... at the time of the day where I would normally be on lunch with my friend having an unwind and able to talk... now I was by myself chewing away with the need to just get through the day and try and block out the whirlwind...

With that we agreed - the Doc and I - to increase the Quetiapine to 200mg so that I wouldn't get dragged into the Whirlwind... the dose should last the day for now...

But aye, talking through the week, I realised that as the week went on, this Whirlwind became less... I was no longer irrationally excited and felt a bit flat... the eyes were no longer alert...

I was normal... yey...

Talking with the doctor helped though... at first I realised that I had struggled with this flat feeling... I was scared that I was crashing but the Doctor helped me realise that this "flat" feeling is just a normal feeling without the high... that this is life...

It's strange to say but with my moods switching since early October to now, I had forgot this "normal-life-mode." I had to remind myself that you can get upset or happy in a normal mode and that it doesn't mean a mood shift... Deep down I know this but it helped to remind myself this...

We spoke about the meds and how I feel on them... the first few days they totally kicked my ass... well the first week to be honest but I do feel an improvement on them, as said before sleep was always a big trigger and whilst I still get the sedation, I'll take all the sleep that I can get. It helped dramatically with work, yes I was a touch zombie on the morning but once I got going into a flow I was able to do the job that I know I can do, logic was working for me again...

One thing that did surprise me was learning that you can die from Mania, that it is one of only two mood disorders that can kill you. You can fully burn yourself out, hit a week of no sleep but full on action mode and you can really push yourself too far... your brain runs out of the needed chemicals...

I found out that getting me on the medication was an emergency and I was lucky to have the CMHT appointment when I did. Looking at my sleep and my behaviour leading into the CMHT appointment, I was showing classic cases of burnout. What I've wrote before without really knowing what it is... Zombie mode... scary really...

I should have had a full medical assessment before I went onto the meds so I can have a baseline to go from, so I can see how the medication is effecting my body... Blood sugars, blood pressure, ECG readings, BMI etc but as it was an emergency I didn't have this. I got this sorted and have to go for another assessment again to see where my body is going on them...

I know it is going to be a lot of work to rebuild and get my life back on track again but it is not something that I am going to shy from...

I won't lie, I have struggled with some things, I am still finding it hard with the loss of my friend from work, we don't get to speak as much even by text now and the loss does hurt... coming off the Fluoxetine I will suffer withdrawals, I've got to remember that it always won't be this good on the Quetiapine... I know that it will help my mood phases but it will not stop my mood phases... and my next mood phase will be a crash... I really do dread that but...

But where as before, this task felt impossible and so far away... rebuilding my life... at the minute I can see a route to my end goal now and now I have a sense of optimism going forward...

I look back over the last few months in a kind of stunned horror... to see how my body and self can be so affected by something that I have little control over...

And it comes back to the writing... the writing has helped so much over the last couple of months but at the minute... I really do not feel the need to write... either it is the medication dulling the creative side or I do not need this particular therapy at the minute...

We'll just say that for now... Life is looking up...

The next time I write... I have a feeling it'll be in the midst of a crash...

Let's see and let's hope that it is a long time away...

[champ]

I'll save the forum from more rambles - all updates are going to here now: https://mybattle.health.blog/