Malazan Empire: My Battle - Malazan Empire

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My Battle I'm not writing a book... I'm just writing...

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Posted 29 November 2016 - 10:18 PM

So as some of you may have seen, I've been writing just to try help sort things out for myself and I hadn't realised how much I've wrote.

I've found it's helped anyway... Some may have read the part - The Crash but I've added a bit more...

It's pretty long and to be honest I don't expect people to read it all but I wanted to share it here. It's honest, it is what it is.

It's the inner ramblings to oneself...

A journey... A battle...


--------------------------


So I guess this is my battle... I wanted to write something... something that is as real as real can be for me... in words anyway... something to think about for myself... maybe others, I'm not sure yet. It's hard to write down/explain but this is what has come of what I now call a cycle, a month, maybe more from a change of normal me to depression and writing THECRASH to the first day of hyper and HEEYYYOOO HYPER!.

Trying to explain the differences it brings about in me... we'll see how it goes...




- Well it happened...

THE CRASH:

When I get like this it's like I am a different person, no longer the person I know myself to be...

The normal me is laid back. A fun and happy guy or I tell myself I am, I like to have a laugh and a joke on with my friends, typical Geordie, bit of a smart ass to be honest but obviously in a good way... but this, it feels...

It feels like I'm falling apart, constantly on the edge with no control over my thoughts, it doesn't matter what I try to do, if something bad has happened - no matter when - or if something is frustrating me then it will be there spinning around, unending, pulling me down further... there is no escape.

There are times when I just want to shout in frustration. I cannot begin to tell you what it is like. You try everything to snap yourself out of it when you feel it coming on - personally I read and I will read anything to turn my focus away from it but... - it ultimately doesn't matter, you get brought back to the same spot, that desolate spot and... that feeling... you feel like you're the pebble facing the tsunami...

A moment of distraction and you're there, the wave has hit and you stand no chance...

You have your angry days, your tired or frustrated days, everyone does but this is different, once it really sets in it feels like every action is an effort, the world has lost it's colour and you your purpose...

And it kills you... you make yourself more angry and upset because you know this isn't you, not the real you and that frustration comes because you now know that you face a battle every day just to get by. Just to function whilst it lasts...

Once it sets in then even to speak is an effort for me. I am blessed to have some amazing friends in my life and lucky to work with some of them but when I feel like this, then to even speak with these friends feels impossible. Not because I don't want to but because I just cannot, it feels like running a marathon just to say that first word and ultimately I'm battling just to function never mind conversation...

Aaannddd.... you come back to that frustration because this isn't you as I said above... I normally cannot shut up talking. I generally have a load of crap to add to conversations even when it isn't wanted but I'll always chip in with a daft comment but this me is lost to that feeling, that desolute feeling.

You have to understand, when I am this low and crashed I am still me, the normal me is still there wishing with every ounce of his soul to just snap out of it, to be rationale and think it through, you know the way you are acting is illogical, you know that this isn't you but it doesn't matter what you tell yourself... you're unfortunately in for the ride now and you just have to see it out... you just have to fight the good fight...




- Two hellish weeks suffered of THE CRASH... probably the worst I've faced yet... fuck man that was tough, no point holding anything back... anyway...

HEEYYYOOO HYPER!

- good luck reading this (before typing)
- - you'll see... (added after typing)

I was advised to write, I wrote, it helped... so I am back again, here with you now to share the different side to me, the "energetic" side... who am I sharing this with? No idea yet, we'll see but for now this is to relieve some pent up energy...

Energy? Who is this guy... from THE CRASH? Can't be... But aye... the joys of the differing states...

I wanted to wait till I was in an for another ride so that I could try and explain what it is like but that is pretty much impossible, how do I express a thousand thoughts at once because that is what I'm feeling right now...

One day I'm crying... the next this... anyway the brain is telling me...

Write this - then I can do this - Oh shit that's clever - what if I said this... I need to say this... aaannndddd finished... wait I didn't type anything...

My brain has skipped from gear 1 to gear 10... 1000?! or that is how it feels, whilst focusing on something - writing - I'm having too many thoughts to be able to type them down quick enough so for now I'll rewind a bit and take myself back to how it starts...

Or try too... Where to begin?

I've found and I'll probably - definitely - find this will be a ramble... but since I've come this far why stop... just realised I side tracked myself there... see too many thoughts...

But anyway... what I call my hyper mode...

You rise up from the ashes of the depression and you really feel that you can conquer the world, you're alive and electric, what can hold you back? All the problems you faced before? Bah, they are nothing... NOTHING... who cares anymore?!

- side note - From recent thinking, it comes after the depression... could be wrong.

You feel like you're floating and also you're aware of everything going on around you... it's like when you have that first sip of caffeine in the morning... you're alert and ready but permanently switched on.

You come out of a depressive battle and it's like stepping out of your bedroom and being able to be on the top of Everest shouting "Hello world and a good day to you all," because that is how it feels...

It is not until recently that I come to recognise hyper mode for what it is and that is why it can be scary. It hides in what you think is plain sight...

... It feels normal in a way because you're just happy that you aren't on the brink of emotional breakdown anymore, you know you've made it through another round of World War 3 Depression... yeah it's weird... it just feels like you're returning to (and I hate to say this but it is the best way to describe it) normal but really it isn't... you're too "up there!"

Same guy, same brain, just what feels like a different mode all together... the HEEYYYOOO HYPER! mode...

Sounds good right? In a way but damn, I've come to realise I've got to be careful when like this for multiple reasons... some might not sound bad but it's switched on... 24/7... no let up until it's run it's course and you've ridden it out... again... time to be AWARE.

- I'll be a loveable, laughable, roguish and a witty tease, playful, talking and never shutting up... for a while until you come face to face with that line to not cross? Ha... what line? It's so easy to take it too far or continue pushing it, you're shouting at yourself to shut up now, you've had your fun but damn, you're on fire today so why stop now? Aye, it's so easy to go too far...

- I'm really chilled, it takes a lot to really piss me off when I'm not in this mode but man, say something that for today I find annoying and I'll want to bite your head off... deep breathes... unfortunately sometimes you can't stop yourself, you can be a right bastard and afterwards it's always why did I say that?! You know it normally wouldn't bother you so what the hell THAT ISN'T YOU?! Ah well, who cares... for now... future me can repair that... ** dumbass... seriously...

- And with that, again laid back guy right? Logical, thinks things through, rational... yeah, where's that guy when I'm like this? Set me a challenge and I'll stubborn mode it and do it - male-pride-high-five-dumbass-only-we-really-know-mode it can be also known as... 26 mile fell run in 6 months time when you've never run a mile in ten years, unfit? Yeah why not? Nearly killed me but yey! I did it... hmm somtimes it does help I guess but anyway... that's a good example, rational guy? Thinks things through... Ok one MILD example that has sprung to mind from a while back... in this mode grand plans are afoot it seems at anytime you decide, spent ages building a life, amazing friends and job, nice place to live... hey I could throw it all away and just go somewhere new for shits and giggles, no logical reason why but it sounds tempting... it may sound daft but for me, honestly afterwards when normal mode resumes I'm shaking my head thinking what the hell?! How close I came to throwing it all away, sometimes it feels like the finger is on the button, who cares if it's the self destruct button... you can face anything...

- Money? Oh I've been saving up? Ah who cares, you can soon save up again, you've been depressed so let's go get some new clothes, night out, meals etc. Future You will worry about that... that thing that you've been saving up for... ah who cares? Again... normal mode resumes and I'm shaking my head thinking good one... genius...

- Urges... nothing sinister... mwhahahahaha... no really but still... urges.

- Energy... Oh baby there is plenty of it... sounds good right? Well yes but not when it's 1am in the morning, you're writing a ramble, you've had 5 hours sleep in 48 hours and you've got work the next day but what is sleep? Sleep is for the weak, I don't need that and anyway, you honestly think I could sleep right now? I'll close my eyes and the brain goes into even more overdrive... what is shut down? Let's think up of things that you can do when you decide on giving up trying to sleep and when you've finished that, hmmm, sleep..? Nope, let's think of the day gone by or a book or a film or make up my own adventure, it's almost like you forget that you're trying to sleep but hours pass, you're still awake and you finally give up... you'll eventually run out of energy unbeknown to you as it seems at around 5-6am, you're work alarm will go off at 7am and HEY, LET'S ROCK - ENERGY RIGHT! YEY! Again sound's good right? Well not until you're stuck on rinse and repeat until you totally burn-out and enter what I call zombie mode...

- Zombie mode... How on earth do I explain this? Brain not working but must work... must function... you hyper member, be alert... must work live, hello happy worl... brraaiinnzzzz.... the day passes by until I get to bed, total can't function crash but sleep... recharge... aaannnnndddd rinse and repeat for a few more days...
You go through this until your body can't take anymore, it's like you finally get a let up and it says enough is enough, you run out... you either get lucky and normality resumes for a while or you go into... THE CRASH...

Never ending... yep! Joy!

And that's only what I've been thinking about tonight, another thousand ideas have come and gone whilst writing this, honestly I don't know if this makes sense but I'm typed out,

Same guy, same brain, just what feels like a different mode all together...

THE CRASH vs HEEYYYOOO HYPER! vs Please sir? Can I have normal mode...




Mood Diary Introduction?

Why the f*** am I writing a mood diary introduction you may ask... or even a f****** mood diary for that matter?

HEEYYYOOO HYPER is f****** what...

Sorry... -1 on the language coming up...

Right...

Where to start? You know the HEEYYYOOO HYPER by now so this may take some time though if I catch it right, it could be short and sweet...

Like you believe that.

I started out by thinking that I was going to do what I was told and fill out a form with numbers to show how I am feeling but sorry, that doesn't really help me, throw in a pop culture reference about being more than a number/link to machine or some shit - think that through later - you may see that I'm typing rather than thinking it all out in my head and realising I haven't typed and then have to start all again... but this is what you end up with so you see why I sometimes try to think if through... a ramble explaining why I am writing a Mood Diary is where we end up...

Anyway...

Today - CMHT meeting. Look that up - it'll help expand your thinkymeat...

To be honest, after everything of late - THECRASH vs HEEYYYOOO HYPER - I was kinda holding everything on today - illogical expectation now I look back - hoping I can have a step by step plan of what's going to happen and how it's going to happen but I ended up with a mood diary to keep for now... yey! - ignore all emotions for now...

The night before, I had a restless nights sleep considering the high and what was to come... restless as in one or two hours of sleep, the rest noticing what patterns my ceiling makes in the dark... Super sleepy but still alert as always after a night of hyper.

I got a lift to the meeting from one of my best mates and as we were parked outside I see a lady walk by that looks like the doctor out of Rocky IV...
"You have head problem?"
"Take off your pants!"
I crack on to my mate... turns out that lady was the second doctor I was to see that day... who was from Eastern Europe - per chance if you read the upcoming 29/11/2016 Mood Diary entry you will come across what I thought was an about to happen attempted kidnapping of my goodself with her... anyway...

After everything, waiting 7+ weeks since my appointment request... I'm here... writing this and my mood diary...

Well it gives me something to focus on...



29/11/2016

Mood diary...

It's hard to rate yourself in numbers, I'll just better try to say but keep it concise... or try to...

- Still feeling high, it's easy to get frustrated like this and I felt that today and I just had to remind myself to breathe and think things through later.
-- Frustration felt because I feel like I'm no further forward though if I look at it logically I am in a way...

- When the doctor was asking questions at the end, it was hard to concentrate and express myself, everything was racing and I just had to try and absorb to take it in later.

- Got upset at feeling helpless after the appointment but that was just a feeling, talking with friends helped and still overall on a high so I can ride that out, it wasn't like the upset I get when I have crashed, nothing like the abject misery I feel when like that.

- I'm in the mind frame to shrug things off, I have a hollow pit of your stomach feeling but I'm just doing my usual and ignoring it as best I can whilst feeling alert yet exhausted riding the high, strange right... don't want to analyse why that feeling is there.

- And as I've typed this if I look back on the day I realise my thoughts have been racing on everything and anything all day, the day feels like a blur, it,s 21:41 and I don't know where the time has gone... jumped from one activity to the other all day without really thinking about it...

P.s. Thoughts turn to sleep tonight... haha what sleep?

-------------

So after writing that I have thought more of today and analyised, it's what I do...

Why was I so frustrated earlier?

Dr. Champ time... let's jump into that brain of mine... god help me...

I had prepared myself for the first meeting, I knew I was going in for the talk so I kind of knew what to expect and was comfortable, open and honest and able to express myself as I wished. Fine so far...

For the break though it gave me time to think through what I'd said, had I said everything I wanted, expressed myself enough... do I just sound crazy? Fair enough you may say but you're riding a high, once you put the brain into gear 5 you're already at gear 50... the whirlwind starts...

By that point you're holding it together to function but not really there anymore, you're lost in your own thoughts, the second meeting started with an additional doctor and it just threw me.

- Funny aside, at one point there was a communcation breakdown and I thought I was getting sectioned... no shit! "We will take you from here" and not what I think was meant to be said... "you will take this from here..." new underwear please!!!

After that, I could just nod and say yes... "Any questions you may want to ask?!"

YES!!! A MILLION!!!! BUT I CANNOT DO ANYTHING BUT F****** NOD AND SAY YES...

There is the frustration... Dr. Champ does it again...

Hmm...

... Sleep? Hahaha... good one...


--------------------------------------------



The journey so far...

Tehol said:

'Yet my heart breaks for a naked hen.'
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Posted 06 December 2016 - 06:01 PM

30/11/2016

What a day...

Very little sleep, 3 hours if I'm lucky and that is after taking a second tablet given to me by the doctor to help me sleep at around 3am. Just could not shut down.

Still on a high, alert and wide eyed, feeling strangely overall happy considering everything though behind the scenes I'm exhausted and really on the edge if I think about it, thoughts racing about the day before whilst getting ready, cannot pin anyone particular thought down, just a deep feeling of helplessness mixed with the high, really confusing...

-- (added later) After writing that and reading it back, I don't think it was just a feeling of helplessness, added in to that there was anger and annoyance. I felt like I had a Hulk-Smash going on inside of me. At war, racing...

- I mentioned the edge, I stepped over the edge on the metro going to work, rush hour busy, I'm sat there and the mind is racing, silent tears just begin escaping from my eyes, trying to do everything to hold it together and not just sob. At the time I cannot place why and still unsure, best I can guess... that helplessness (revise above) against what I'm feeling, starting to feel so exhausted but still wired - hard to explain - knowing I've just got to get my head down and get on with it no matter how I'm feeling, I've got a life to live but thinking how? This is not THE CRASH upset though, it's raw passion/emotion without that end of the world feeling, I guess the high in a way is protecting me, the way I'm looking at it is that I'm lucky I have been on a high the last two days rather than a CRASH, I don't want to think how I'd be reacting if like that...

- Work, first two hours I can't function, sit in silence, looking at nothing, lost in my thoughts. People have spoke to me and it's took a few times of them saying before anything has registered... I get to talk it out and that helps, let out some emotion, start to think again and try settle down to work.

- Stubborn mode the day, tough going, surprised I got through the full day but happy. Feeling relieved but know it's go time again tomorrow. Needed the lunch break and an hour to regroup.

- After work catch up with friend, explain what's going on with myself, good to talk again. Home and a bit calmer, more focused, all day I was in the mind that no way can I write tonight but found a way to.

- I should feel exhausted after the day/days and sleep of late, I don't unfortunately though I'm starting to feel that I'm burning out. You've still got the electricity going on but you're starting to dim... there is only so long that you can keep up like this...

Tehol said:

'Yet my heart breaks for a naked hen.'
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Posted 06 December 2016 - 06:01 PM

01/12/2016

I'm writing this early, I won't be able to do this tonight...

I'm exhausted, running on empty and feel like an automated robot...

Tired, on edge, irritated at the slighest thing, wanting to explode for no reason - just trying to survive work.

Mini break down for the first hour - so emotional, the thought of having to survive the day feeling like this... sat in the toilet and cried.

It'll be home and straight to bed, even if I can't sleep I just need to try and rest...

I'm not on a crash, still wanting to laugh and joke on but too exhausted to function.

Tehol said:

'Yet my heart breaks for a naked hen.'
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Posted 06 December 2016 - 06:02 PM

05/12/2016

So I've been naughty... it has been a while since I last wrote an update but hear me out... there is a method to my madness... yeah right... but here is my justification...

I always fully intended to recap the weekend but I wanted to turn off for a few days or try to... I've been so careful and controlling of myself lately that I just needed to let my hair down and have a break... but with doing this, I also set myself up as a test subject... Or that is the excuse I have created after the gap in writing... to be honest the weekend has been a blur...

I guess that I wanted to see how I acted when I wasn't thinking about what I was doing all of the time, almost just let it run it's course. To see where I went and how I acted this weekend with the observation and self reflection to come after the event rather than during... maybe not the best of ideas...

With my concentration as it was, I would have been sat there a year later trying to explain what was going on so this is why you are getting it later...

Let me explain what happened...

When I got home on the Thurs, 1st Dec, I just went to bed, I didn't fall asleep for hours but I was gone, the body was exhausted, but the brain was still working overdrive keeping me awake. The resting up helped me though, I think I managed to get around 5 - 5 1/2 hours sleep which is heaven for me compared to the sleep issues of late...

Problem with that though... it also recharges the hyper...

The Fri, 2nd Dec was, well, I'll describe and someone else can try and explain what was going on...

A great day, I could work, I could function, I almost felt normal... I was generally just in a really happy mood and was able to continue that throughout the day, I wasn't trying to think too much and just rolled with it...

About 3pm though I notice that I've been carrying an unnatural feeling with me all day... the best way that I can describe it is like a giddy excitement... you know when you see a teenager meet someone really famous and all they can do is giggle... that was me, a 31 year old bloke... but about every day actions... watch a TV show I view every week? Giggle... Computer game/read/watch a film... giggles and excitement, you would have thought it was Christmas coming up the next day... this has NEVER happened before, ever...

That feeling was with me throughout the day and into the night... but there was no racing of thoughts, out of control feelings etc. I guess the main issue of the day came when I was trying to get to sleep...

Considering how little sleep I had during the week I should have been able to sleep for a week... my mate comes over for a few hours after work, we watch some shows and unwind, he leaves around 10pm and for the next 4 1/2 hours I move from one activity to the other, I struggle to focus on anything for more than 15-20 minutes... I start something and instantly want to do something different...

I force myself to bed @ 02:40, no sleep for an hour, tossing and turning and then my brain just says, "Why are you trying to sleep there are too many things that you can be doing..." Those exact words...

Sheer excitement, I give up trying to sleep and shoot up out of bed, jump on to the sofa with the air of expectation of fun to come... now I'm out of bed what do I want to do?! No idea... all those exciting activities don't seem interesting anymore. I browse the internet, watch half a show and then put on a film... I remember looking at my phone, seeing it was 04:45 and thinking I'm never going to get to sleep...

I guess I managed to get some sleep some as I woke up with a start at 7am...

Unbelievably... the brain goes... Yey, I slept, that's enough let the games begin again... I feel alert and awake, I go to the shops for opening at 8am but man... my body is so tired, it's draining just going shopping and back home, the brain tells me one thing, the body tells me another...

To be honest, the rest of the weekend continued on like this... Sat, 3rd Dec and Sun, 4th Dec were a blur...

I went from reading / internet browsing / tv shows / computer games / film and then back again to reading to repeat the cycle, maybe 30 minutes to an hour per activity but whilst I am watching the TV/Films I am also browsing the internet, it's impossible to leave my laptop alone for more than 10 minutes, my attention constantly turns to something new...

If my thoughts turn to any of the problems of late, it's anger... sheer anger as in it is creating a change in my body anger, I've got tense, my heart is racing and every part of my soul is screaming HULK SMASH... This comes and goes throughout the day, easy to recycle some thoughts to chew on... just breathe...

I was supposed to go see my mate and his lil dude (awesome 1 year old) at 17:30 but it totally skips my mind and that is not me, I hate turning up late, I text him at 18:00 and head out, it's good to see them and have a nice distraction though I'm only really half there, cannot stop yawning...

I managed to get a 40 minute nanna nap on Saturday afternoon too, before that, but it wasn't enough, then slept from around 12am - 3am and after that I was awake until Sunday night...

Sunday, during the day - well it went the exact same way as Saturday, almost felt as the two days merged together.

Generally happy / hyper, moving from one activity to the next, exhausted but alert with the ability to make myself really angry...

My sleep on Sunday night was just as bad, maybe 4-5 hours sleep, considering I was to be working Monday at 9am I got out of bed at 05:37, there was little point trying to get back to sleep even though I was exhausted... and that is where I am now...

Mon, 5th Dec, I'm at work, it took me a long time this morning to get going, I was chewed on the way into work thinking I've got the full day ahead whilst so exhausted, this had a knock on effect and it took me a couple of hours to get the brain into gear and into work mode... for the first couple of hours I was looking at nothing at war in my head... everything racing...

Is this anxiety?

I feel like I'm stuck on the rinse and repeat cycle of HEEYYYOOO HYPER! Zombie mode coming every two-three days depending on my sleep... it's hard work, it's tough, it's constant, it's tiring and yet it is strangely fun...

My mind turns to how long can this last... I was hoping that I would burn out by now...

My body craves normality...

As a side note:
This is the weekend where I could have so easily turned to smoking marijuana to help... when I am like this it is the only thing that I have found that slows me down, the pace of my brain becomes normal and I can think/relax... chill... but how fucked up is that? I shouldn't have to rely on an illegal drug to help me through this... especially one that can have long term MENTAL consequences... it's the last thing I need right now but it's the only Emergency Plan I have...

Tehol said:

'Yet my heart breaks for a naked hen.'
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Posted 06 December 2016 - 09:08 PM

Quote

I shouldn't have to rely on an illegal drug to help me through this... especially one that can have long term MENTAL consequences... it's the last thing I need right now but it's the only Emergency Plan I have...


Talk to your doctor. Addiction is addiction, no matter what. Be glad it isn't a terribly addictive and dangerous one and recognize you can overcome it.
Size matters not.
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Posted 06 December 2016 - 09:25 PM

Aye, I've always been straight up with my doctor about any drug use.

I've had to turn to the Emergency Plan maybe three or four times in the last couple of months and I hate having to do that...

I actually talked about the last part with the doctor today, I was lucky to have an appointment and just finished this...


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


06/12/2016

I feel great... or as great as you can feel on Diazepam...

Wait? What? Rewind...

Yesterday...

Work improved as the day wore on and I was able to turn my focus to the task at hand, it was exhausting but fortunately I have a late lunch, 14:00-15:00, it came at the right time as I needed a quick reset to finish out the day. I was starting to get on edge, agitated easily...

After work it was a mixture of shows, computer and internet, again alternating between the three. Wish I could get to the gym but so, so tired.

I knew I had a doctors appointment the next day (today as writing) and it wasn't until 11:00 so I could have a sleep in... aye, okay, like that would happen but positive thinking and all that...

I had a last "sleeping" tablet I found from the previous prescription and figured it would be as good a time as any to use, trouble is they help you fall asleep but not remain asleep... you can guess what is coming...

Fell asleep around 23:00, wasn't too bad getting to sleep with the help of the tablet but I woke up at around 02:00 and that was me for the night, brain awake, tossing and turning all night catching a few minutes here and there, the night just passing in a blur of memories, thoughts and frustration...

Get set for the appointment at 11:00 and feeling pretty zombie but I can function at least.

- As an aside, my doctor is great or was great, it was the last appointment with her today as she is getting transferred elsewhere, genuinely gutted about that as it was easy to talk to her as she has been with me from the start of this journey, I'll always remember her for what she helped me with, thanks, Doc.

I get to talk out the recent goings on, the frustration, sleepless nights, the thoughts too fast to grab a hold of, basically the HEEYYYOOO HYPER... the temptation of turning to alternative means to help me...

It always helps talking to the Doc, good at what she does... figured out I need something to help slow me down, something to help chill me out when I am in hyper mode... hello Diazepam 5mg...

Well dang, but it's helped, aye, I might be mega chilled and lethargic but compared to recent events, people, this is bliss...

It's a case of Hello stranger... where have you been for a while?

Don't worry, I'm not crazy or anything, I'm just talking to my brain that's all...

I feel like I can concentrate and focus on tasks, it just takes a bit of a time to start the task but again, it's a nice change of pace...

No longer am I trying to grab that racing thought out of the air and realising it wasn't the one I wanted and fuck it anyway... I go off down that rabbit hole instead to see where it will lead... and when I say thought, I don't mean bad thoughts or anything, I've explained the hyper, I can be thinking about history, to the at hand day, to people, writing, films, books, life etc... anything really to keep the mind occupied...

I can just unwind, I've been able to sleep (I KNOW RIGHT?!?!) - I don't feel fully recharged but I feel much better, I've been able to actually watch a complete 40 minute episode without reaching for the laptop, phone or any other sort of distraction...

It has been nice... bliss... peaceful...

I can breathe out a sigh of satisfaction... feels strange to say that... got to take the positives where I can...

Tehol said:

'Yet my heart breaks for a naked hen.'
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Posted 06 December 2016 - 11:29 PM

View Postchamp, on 06 December 2016 - 06:02 PM, said:

As a side note:
This is the weekend where I could have so easily turned to smoking marijuana to help... when I am like this it is the only thing that I have found that slows me down, the pace of my brain becomes normal and I can think/relax... chill... but how fucked up is that? I shouldn't have to rely on an illegal drug to help me through this... especially one that can have long term MENTAL consequences... it's the last thing I need right now but it's the only Emergency Plan I have...


I'm no doctor or specialist but...

I don't think that's fucked up at all.

I started smoking marijuana when I was 14, went from a couple of times a month to nearly everyday for a couple of months when I was 16 to literary everyday when I was(and still am) 17. The first day I didn't smoke after the period of roughly half a year or more of smoking nearly everyday/everyday I was little irritated y, but that was all. I then didn't smoke for a couple of days and I actually had no urge to do, more of the opposite. I'd then smoke when there was an occasion for it and I counciously wanted to smoke, there still was no urge and I kept slowing down, now it's been I think 2 months since I smoked for the last time which was after almost a month since after the previous time. I've done that because I just lost interest and grew tired and lazy of obtaining the marijuana and a little bit because of financial reasons too and it just wasn't what it used to be but I could have just quit the first day I didn't smoke and I would be perfectly fine.

And even now thinking about it from the (not big but some) I can't really see it having any negative effects one me. It helped my social life, my stomach and general eating issues(that maybe came naturally with just growing up, anyway I'm still fine regarding this) and by the time I started smoking more frequently helped with my(little compared to yours and different anyway) sleeping issues (that are now back). Yes it had cost me a lot of money but I had been aware of that whole time.

If you feel like marijuana helps you I think you shouldn't fear that much and just go on when you find it fit. A right strain might help your sleeping issues too.

Take what you want from this. I actually think regarding mental health it's safer than most of the pills that are usually being prescribed but I know little of those.

This post has been edited by Itwæs Nom: 06 December 2016 - 11:29 PM

"Yeah but then it's endless rain and SAD and everyone compensating by getting endlessly irritatingly high all the time"
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Posted 07 December 2016 - 06:22 PM

I thought a lot about how to answer you and I figure the best way will be with personal experience.

I was similar to you - smoking wise - at an early age, I first experimented when I was 15, between 15-18 I had it maybe three or four times every three months, purely recreational.

At university I had a part time job in a bar, out of 42 staff that worked there, 38 smoked weed, the managers would regularly have a smoking party after we had closed down for the night and that is where I started to use it more.

At 21, my best mate and I got a place together who also worked at the bar. We smoked it pretty much every day for two years, our house was the usual party house.

After that I had a break from it for a couple of years then again hit it up recreational again on and off over the next few years, quitting entirely when I got into serious fitness mode.

Always during this time, I argued that it's so much better smoking weed to drinking alcohol - I hardly ever drink - purely because you are more in control, you're chilled and relaxed rather than pissed out of your head... you can remember everything you do, no hangover though can you feel a bit thinkymeat challenged the next day after a heavy session...

- As an aside, my Auntie smokes it to help her with MS, it's the only thing that helps with the pain and my mum told me once that she prayed for the times that my dad smoked it, it was one of the few times that he wouldn't beat her, on alcohol he was a permanent asshole...

I never had a problem with the addiction with it, the only issue I had was that I don't smoke cigarettes so sometimes I would crave the nicotine from when I'd been smoking joints but that wasn't ever really a big issue...

The thing is, I also thought similar to you that it never caused a problem for me, I look back and realise I often smoked when the Bipolar episodes kicked in... it helped me and that is why it was/is an Emergency plan...

I know that smoking weed wasn't the cause of Bipolar, looking back I've suffered from it since around 14 but can I honestly say it hasn't contributed to the Bipolar episodes? I don't know...

There are times when I've smoked it and definitely the paranoid feeling kicks in, fortunately I can ignore that if smoking as I know it's only the weed but has it contributed to the depressive episodes like some studies suggest?

That's the thing with marijuana, there is no definitive way to prove that it isn't the cause of mental illness or a contributer towards making certain aspects of it worse and to be honest, I don't - ultimately - want to take that risk anymore.

I'd prefer to stick to what the doctors advise meds wise but that is in the perfect world...

I know short term a joint could help... long term though? Not worth it for where I am at the minute but that is easy to say... it's a battle to hold off but the Diazepam has helped slow me down the last two days so it's turned me thoughts away from the Emergency Plan.

This post has been edited by champ: 07 December 2016 - 06:27 PM

Tehol said:

'Yet my heart breaks for a naked hen.'
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Posted 08 December 2016 - 11:55 AM

07/12/2016

The plan is to keep it short and sweet, we'll see how it turns out... that is an honest statement this time... no rambling chit chat...

- Sleep wasn't great but it also wasn't too bad, maybe 5 - 5 1/2 hours sleep. I actually was able to get to sleep again after waking up during the middle of the night which hasn't happened in a long while, normally once I wake up then I am awake for the night no matter what time...

- Woke up almost feeling normal, the brain wasn't racing, I could think and function, no problems, little tired but that's nothing really compared to of late...

- Learning experience - Coffee does not mix... Figured I'd try a wake me up at work to get me doing and between the coffee and getting wound up about an issue at work (that was nothing really) it set me into a whirlwind spin where I found it hard to concenrate / think clearly. It was irrational anger but I found it hard to get back in control. I easily got frustrated here.

- Got through the day though, took me an hour or so to get back under control but I did keep chewing after that for most of the day recycling the same anger. No way to let it vent out, stayed fresh. Just tried to focus on work but that was really difficult.

- I would have taken a Diazepam but I wanted to see out the day at work and I wasn't too sure how I would be at work on it.

- Took one when I got home and instantly helped, the chewing on thoughts stopped, I was able to slow down and relax and just forget about the problems at hand. The night was pretty relaxing, I actually watched a couple of full episodes, again I haven't been able to do that for a while.

- Plan to try and get an early night and catch up on some lost sleep, generally feeling more positive now that I have something to help slow me down.

- Either the hyper is burning out, it's the Diazepam or a combination of both, starting to hopefully enter normal mode...

Tehol said:

'Yet my heart breaks for a naked hen.'
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Posted 08 December 2016 - 04:58 PM

08/12/2016

F*** me...

HELLO THE WORLD I KNOW AND LOVE... WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING?

Normality... as in feeling normal... as in hello brain… HIP FUCKING HIP HURRAY!

I have waited several weeks to say that... that was a crazy ride...

Why am I suddenly normal now? How do I know? What changed to lead to this?

Absolutely nothing changed, I just woke up and I knew...

Probably my best night sleep last night of just over 6 1/2 hours, I woke up a few times but was able to get back to sleep...

My alarm played it’s funky tune, I woke feeling tired, my brain felt sleepy but I felt great!

Rather than having a shower and closing my eyes to gain control or sitting there thinking how am I going to get through the day… I think back to my behavior lately and shake my head in bewilderment… who was this person? So erratic and all over the place…

No instant alert, no on endge, no instant gear 1000, no agitation, no racing thoughts just nice, slow, sluggish morning thoughts.

At this point I thought I might finally have burnt out of the Hyper but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, I was feeling better yesterday but it took one moment to realise I still had some symptoms… the anger/irritability/once the brain got going, it really got going…

Holding my breath… hoping nothing would rear it’s ugly assed head but I am now reporting to you after the day and it held out… I have been in control and “myself” all of the day.

Things that turned me into HULK SMASH yesterday, I shake my head and think what were you doing, dickhead? The same things happened today and I was able to laugh it off…

Work was A-OKAY, focused and no issues, easy to get into a rhythm, wanted to work… yes, really…

It’s like I live three different lives:


- THE CRASH – no hope, no energy, no motivation, I KNOW I’M A FAILURE… surrounded by sorrow… no anything… it’s like I live in a dimmed down world…

- HEEYYYOOO HYPER – endless energy, no sleep, agitation, never shutting up, reckless abandonment and no interest in looking after myself… CAPABLE OF CONQUERING THE WORLD…

- NORMALLLLL – normal, balanced life, I think logically, I laugh, I joke, I am in control, general positive outlook, first thoughts – gym time! I can sleep and also feel like my brain is my own… that chilled, relaxed, laid back guy is back…

I’ve missed him…

Tehol said:

'Yet my heart breaks for a naked hen.'
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Posted 08 December 2016 - 09:25 PM

added note to 08/12/2016


I figured it best to go into Dr. Champ mode whilst I am feeling rather normal for a change, dive into that thinkymeat of mine or attempt to.

It's night now and so far so good, nice chilled night, I haven't even thought about any issues, no racing thoughts, no third world war trench thoughts either, just nice, normal, pleasent... me thoughts.

It's the little things that I've noticed too that are different.

I'm genuinely interested in the things I do again, not just using them as a distraction...

When on THE CRASH a large exhale becomes a sigh of desperation, sorrowful and mourning... how do I do this?!

When on the HEEYYYOOO HYPER a large exhale is filled with excitement, my toes twinkle in joy thinking what can be done... even though I'll change my mind after 15-20 minutes or so...

When I feel normal a large exhale is... just that... nothing more, nothing less, nothing to it...

I've also noticed a difference in my writing too, whilst on THE CRASH I am thoughtful, deep, raw emotion is put into every word I write or that is how I feel...

With HEEYYYOOO HYPER it's just write... F*** it, whatever happens when the fingers hit the keys, happens, just roll with it and what will be will be... make sure to read back though and try to put into semblance...

When I am feeling like this, it's more reflective and a combination between the two but that is first day analysis.

Probably the biggest thing I have noticed so far...

Music...

And that is strange because I am not really a big music fan, yes I do love a good tune and have my favourites but for the last couple of months or so, music has seemed to be absent from me, whether down or up...

When I am down, I either show no interest or it reminds me of something painful, I'll link the words to a troubling memory that will just pop out of no where, it's like that memory was saved for that moment no matter when it occured... it will be there... right scene for the right song so I block it out...

When I am up, I don't think it even registers, it is just more to the back ground noise going on around me whilst I am doing whatever I am doing in that moment to distract me.

Now though, I'm back singing along... whistling... tapping my foot to whatever may take my fancy... in the moment enjoying it...

It's strange, because I really did forget this me... sounds strange but it is true... but when I look back and actually think about it, he has always been there, that is the normal, chilled, happy me...

I hope it lasts... trying not to think about Chritmas though, it'll be difficult no matter what, dreading it really but that is a story for another day...

Same guy, same brain, just what feels like a different mode all together...

THE CRASH vs HEEYYYOOO HYPER! vs Please sir? Can I have normal mode... thank you...

Tehol said:

'Yet my heart breaks for a naked hen.'
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Posted 12 December 2016 - 05:14 PM

12/12/2016

I'm really not in the mood to write, considering everything of late and how much it helps, that is rare but let me take you to Friday quickly, the 9th and maybe that help start to help you understand...


--------------------------------------


09/12/2016
My world fell apart today…

I just can’t bring myself to write about today yet… I’ll pick it up when I can…




--------------------------------------




I'm just going to get on with this but I really don't want to do anything at the minute, every ounce of me just wants to shut down and retreat from the world...

As you may be able to tell... I've crashed...

How? No f****** idea but I can pin point the moment I started to feel it come on...

I had maybe 4 or 5 hours sleep Thursday night (8th) but I woke up feeling rather positive, it was my work night out for Christmas that night and I was looking forward to it, just a nice meal with great people, nothing too taxing for me considering what has gone of late and I had a great day the day before so all in all, it was a good start...

I got a lift into work that morning with one of my favourite persons that I know and that picked me up further, on the journey I was laughing and talking away, in a really good mood...

I'd just made up some stupid lyrics to a song, laughed about it but then...

It was like a button was pressed...

Not an instant mood switch, nothing like that but something small... As I've being so perceptive of late I noticed it straight away, it was like a small change came over me...

No triggers, no thoughts that lead to it, nothing that I can even remotely identify with to cause it, I guess the best way I can describe it was...

Like a rock was suddenly placed on my shoulders, nothing strenuous but a noticeable weight... something that made me pause because it had come out of nowhere... and I actually did pause...


I instantly forgot why I was having fun, why I was laughing and joking on and stopped talking... it was like I suddenly couldn't talk anymore... or didn't want to...


I was asked if I was okay? What was wrong? So it was noticeable for the other party too... the change...

Now that I look back on it I became wrapped up and lost in the usual repeating thoughts... that whirlwind was starting to build from nowhere... I got to work and started off able to work, I went into stubborn mode to get on with it but as the day progressed it started to get worse... It had took from around 07:15 and the metaphysical rock to maybe 13:00 and an, "Ok, something is going on here now," thought...


It was like a tap was turned on somewhere and my energy, enthusiam, light and joy was slowly leaking away...


I did get a knock later that day, I won't lie, it was something that bothered me a great deal but something that I should and that I can normally shake off... normally...

But...


It was suddenly a case of that energy leaking away became a torrent... that energy that was holding my world together ran out... I broke, I crumbled, my world had ended and that last remaining spark I was holding on to had gone out...

Sounds dramatic but that was what I was feeling at the time, I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't think clearly... I could just recycle that world ending thought but now everything else was getting added to it... all the issues of late came rushing back to say Hello... didn't get rid of us for long, did you...

I know I was irrational in that moment but I also know that there was jack diddly squat that I could do about it... I was consumed...

I had an hour of work to get through and talked it through with a good friend there at work and was able to gain some control... I'd spent the last hour an emotional wreck... I still wanted to go to the meal - stubborn mode, aye - so tried to shut off everything going on around me, had a tablet and just said to myself that I can be normal, that I can get through a meal with these people I really do care about... I've got to...


Hindsight is a great thing... I shouldn't have gone to the meal...

Deep down I wasn't feeling it at all for obvious reasons but me being me, I went...


I can't describe what it was like but I'll try... I wanted to talk and join in but I couldn't... it was like a was trapped in a soundproof booth of my own making and I couldn't get out... I was an observer of everything going on around me but try as I might I couldn't get involved... I sat in silence... praying for a spark to get going... struggling whilst everyone was having a laugh and great time themselves... someone spoke to me, I said a few words and just became lost again... it was a horrible experience that shouldn't be that way... it was like I was a shell...


I left after the meal, lost, dejected, upset... got a lift back, could hardly talk and silently cried...


To be honest... by this point my main thought was please god, no. I really can't be crashing, don't let this be happening... not so soon... not after yesterday... I felt great... I was alive... I felt glad to be alive...

I WAS TEASED WITH ONE FUCKING DAY OF NORMALITY AND NOW THIS IS OCCURING... WELL FUCK YOU WORLD...

HOW AM I GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS...

Just please, please, please, I beg you, I'll do anything, just please don't let me crash...

I was consumed...

The "fantasy" of just ending it started again because if it is anything like last time... THIS WILL BE HELL...

- As an aside - it is just a fantasy... I could never do that to my friends and family but it doesn't stop the thoughts... and the fact you have these thoughts rips you apart more so... as in when I am my normal logical self it's straight up head shaking frightening...


Noting the aside... this is why it is so hard to deal with... your world ends but you're alive, you don't know how long you are going to have to suffer this... you just know that you're in for one hell of a f****** ride... you have all sorts of thoughts to battle through... back to the trenches...


Home wasn't too fun but it does help... I guess I almost go into a mediative state, shut down anything and everything that can distract me and focus on one thing and one thing only... it can be anything... anything but the whirlwind... but the whirlwind still wins...


I hardly slept that night, around 6am I drifted off for a few hours... it passed in a blur... I didn't want to move from the sofa... I played a computer game to take me away from everything and got lost in it for hours... the moment I thought of anything else, tears would emerge...




Saturday and Sunday, 10th and 11th passed by very similar. I have 100 jobs to do before Christmas but I didn't have the energy or the will to do any of it... I was an empty vessel.

My mate came and sat with me late on Saturday night which helped, I got to sleep that morning at 5am and just let Sunday pass by in a state of lethargy.


Again, everything I needed to do... safe to say that didn't happen...

I had to start thinking about work... dragged myself to bed at around 22:00 but I know I was still awake after 1am lost in that unending stream of thoughts...




12/12/2016


It was pretty much the same as Saturday and Sunday but throw into the mix me attempting to work...

Awoke before 06:00, just tried to start prepping myself for the day, spent over an hour in the shower lost in thought whilst trying to shut everything out...

I am a mess on the way in to work... mess at the start of work... spoke with the boss, gained a little control... worked until 12:30 with a few emotional breaks in between and then I had to call it a day before I went into full on breakdown mode...


You know when you are trying to concentrate but you keep getting distracted by the slightest little thing... it felt like this but on a large scale...

My trying to concentrate was me not breaking down... so it didn't end well...


The moment someone spoke it was like I had a motorway passing through my brain, all thoughts went out of the window, when I could think I was trapped in the repeated recycling of my undeserving and unworthiness of life... not what I wanted to concentrate on...


I would get the odd moment of clarity where I could work but it wasn't long before I became distracted again and consumed...

I had to get home and go into shutdown mode... it seems my only defence at the moment that works against THE CRASH but it isn't very helpful with life...

I guess my biggest frustration is that I had a day or normality dangled in front of me where I felt great... to have that so soon ripped from my grasp is heartbreaking...


Same guy, same brain, just what feels like a different mode all together...


P.S. I guess I was in the mood to write, see that is a part of THE CRASH... to do anything takes a monumental effort... it's draining...

Tehol said:

'Yet my heart breaks for a naked hen.'
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Posted 21 December 2016 - 09:04 PM

19/12/2016

Quick update, nothing more...

I haven't wrote in a week, I've filled out a form but I don't really care about writing at the minute, I don't really care about anything at the minute, I feel like an empty shell... there is nothing in here...

I've really struggled with the crash, I've wanted to do nothing but hide away from the world though loads of events have happened and gone on... I've had to show a brave face to the world and push myself and I've suffered for it... I've not wanted to write though, part of not wanting to do anything I guess...

I've had so many irrational emotions that I could be here all night trying to explain, emotions that in moments of clarity have led me to shaking my head but fortunately, so far I've managed to take that breath and step away when everything in me has screamed to just either let loose or just walk away from it all... I am thankful that I can keep in control of it...

It's just really difficult at the minute, couldn't work today, went in but cried all morning pretty much, even after going home, feeling of despair... sorrow... loss... mourning... you name it...

I feel like I'm pushing those closest to me away or that they are getting sick of me... they ask how I am and I keep having to tell them that I am struggling, I hate having to do this, I just want to pretend to be happy and lie to them but I've promised I'll be truthful but it must be tiring having to hear about it all the time... the negativity...

I'm scared that it is affecting my work so much...

I just hate this...

Tehol said:

'Yet my heart breaks for a naked hen.'
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Posted 21 December 2016 - 09:04 PM

20/12/2016

Not a good day... well it started as not a good night, fits of sleep but hardly any of sustenance, I spent the night tossing and turning, wrapped up in the endless cycle of regretful thoughts...

The diazepam helps me relax and sleep when I'm on a hyper but I know I cannot take it whilst like this, as much as I want to so that it'll help me sleep, it will do no good at all for my overall mood so I resist, haven't had any in a while now since The Crash started... doesn't help me get any peace though...

I made it as far as the shower for getting ready for work, I sat and just cried for an hour, my alarm went off to get out and get ready but I just couldn't move, as long as I remained there under the water I didn't have to face the world, I'm not sure how long went by but it was over an hour of sorrow... the fingers were well "pruned."

I was scared to call off work again, my boss is super supportive and deep down I know would be okay about it but it doesn't stop me feeling sick about doing it...

I can't win, to go in to work when like this breaks me... to call in sick breaks me...

I feel helpless when like this...

I've spent most of the day bunkered down, trying not to think about anything, doing nothing... I'm at its mercy...

That little voice tells me I've never had as much support as I have had lately compared to years gone by, especially now that I am open with what is going on... but now, with The Crash... I've never felt so alone in the world as I have right now...

I just feel lost...

Tehol said:

'Yet my heart breaks for a naked hen.'
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Posted 21 December 2016 - 09:05 PM

21/12/2016

I am really not in the mood to write but one must force oneself when the end goal is succour...

Ah man... where to start, I guess it's easy... The Crash... Yes, still... for those who have followed what I've wrote, that should be enough for you to know where I am at but I guess I need to go further, stubborn-it-up-finger-typing-away-mode...

But for a change, I want to start on a positive...

People, if you ever experience some of the thoughts that I have then share it with the people you think/know you can trust...

It's strange - the places where you can find help...

My MD - The Boss - at work has been a rock for me. I find it hard to accept genuine kindness or help in life, when it has happened before to me there has always been a catch attached or a let down at the end of it all, I just do not expect it anymore but here, it has been different.

It sounds daft but I kind of need to keep getting reassurance that it is legit and everything is okay because to me I just cannot understand it, the support from him has been out of this world and I cannot thank him enough for it, if he was in his actions any other way then I wouldn't be where I am right now, I'd have lost control if work became difficult because of the situation... I am lucky and thankful to him, he always had my loyality but not it's set in stone.

It's helped in this dark time...

Something I left out of 19/12/2016 now that I read it back... I shouldn't have but here it is...

On the way back from work, all I could think about was ending it all, I became that low that I was convinced that I couldn't go on like this. I just needed to end it all...

- Aside - yes - I've explained before, I would never do anything and I am determined to keep it that way but the irrational thoughts still take over and you have to argue with yourself to rationalise it all and realise you are being a stupid f*** in this moment...

I talked to a friend... it helped...

I fought myself and won out, it was never really an ultimate contest of carrying out actions, just a mental battle of telling my irrational side to f*** off and leave me alone, it get's annoying constantly battling stupid thoughts but I am lucky to be able to do so...

Anyway, down to the day, I guess I kind of got side tracked because I really don't want to relive the day at hand...

Little sleep... here we go...

It took me an age to get out of the shower and to get ready, just that empty shell feeling, energy and all... almost like Hyper Zombie mode but nothing there... the thought of a full day at work sent me into a spin... how do I get through it?! The moment I set foot out of the door I was walking into hell...

The only reason I was going in today was that one of my team was off and I know that they could do with me in to help... needs must sometimes even though I knew I was going to suffer, there was no pressure to go in from the bosses but it was something I wanted to do, they are good to me, I want to return what I can...

I got in to work and gave the boss a difficult update on the last two days, admitted I am really struggling, he was open and honest - which I need - and gave me the options of what to do, I was determined to see out the day but honestly, it took at least 2 hours before I could really function, yes I could work but it was auto pilot work that needed little brain function... whenever I had nothing to concentrate on to distract me I became lost in the whirlwind... lost in that endless whirlwind, if someone tried to get my attention it took a couple of attempts...

One real frustration is that it is so difficult to function in a work environment when you feel like this, you have to force yourself to do anything, force yourself to think and function... I really struggle when the office becomes loud, when everyone is active at the same time I become lost in a cacophony of hell... all aspects of my being seep out of me and I struggle... not exactly what I really need to help me handle the situation...

I spoke to the boss again, explaining what was going on and got the option of going home but I just don't want to give in to it and quit, it's too easy an option to take and if I want to continue the life I lead then I need to fight it as hard as it is. He did talk some sense in to me though and I called the CMHT to try get some help, after waiting a while for a callback and chasing it up again I got to talk, it helped and now I need to get an emergency GP appointment tomorrow and go from there...

It sounds daft but something as small as that helps, rather than floundering in water I actually have a baby step of help on the horizon, let's just see what comes of it...

The day went by in a blur, I managed to do some work in the odd moments I got free of the whirlwind recycling the endless World War 3 thoughts... I actually didn't realise 17:00 came I was too busy thinking of what I can do to get out of this personal hell... but I made it to 17:00, that in itself was a miracle... I'll take what I can get at the minute... I realise I didn't take a lunch break or eat anything that day it was that much of a blur...

It's night now, I've done nothing but bunker down from everything, television is off, laptop is my one distraction reading random shit, tonight I am refreshing the Roman Empire, I realise I've forgotten the early Roman History, I know and remember the main parts but not the chronological order... it gives me a distraction... if I think of anything else I find that my eyes brim...

It's tough, I won't lie...

Tehol said:

'Yet my heart breaks for a naked hen.'
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Posted 25 December 2016 - 06:52 PM

23/12/2016

You know, I cannot win, when in one state I want to do absolutely everything possible at the same time... when like this I just want to do nothing, I seem content to just lay on the sofa and look about my room thinking of little in particular, if anything it is how I cannot be bothered to do something or I'm not in the mood for that so I read random history or think about... issues... but I'm trying to block out those whirlwind thoughts... I think that's why I'm in quiet-bunker-mode keeping a serene environment around myself...

But needs must sometimes and I'm forcing myself to recap since I couldn't be bothered yesterday...

So let's rewind to 22/12/2016...

5 hours sleep, maybe 6 but again, it was sustaining sleep, pretty tiring considering... cheers sleep, that's what I do you for... to further tire myself out... never asleep for more than an hour at a time...

I had to ring the docs at 8am to confirm an emergency appointment... I was up from 5am so no worries about sleeping in there...

1 hour sat in the shower not wanting to move...

My overall mood was flat, if my mind turned to anything of late that has bothered me then my eyes would brim... a joyful morning indeed...

The main problem... I woke with a sorrowful feeling, a deep mourning loss that I have carried with me for a while now, it just won't piss off... Because you cannot connect it with anything it further tortures you...

I get to the docs for 9:45 when my appointment was confirmed and talk through the recent issues and my call with the CMHT - with a new doctor by the way who seems like she genuinely wants to help and listened - I admit that things are getting worse and I'm struggling, confirm the lack of sleep is killing me and that I'm not looking forward to Christmas coming up, it'll be a testing time... also don't hold back and explain about the thoughts of 19/12/2016.

I explain that I am just exhausted from it all, we agree on 7 day sleeping tablets, I have diazepam left but I am not using that with The Crash, I've had my dose of Fluoxetine increased to 60mg a day too. Also given a two week sick note from work but I'll tend to ignore that and go in when I feel well enough, had a talk with the boss and we agreed that was okay.

In a way it helped to know that I have made a baby step today to help me get through Christmas... then I got home and had a letter from the CMHT confirming my next appointment - 19th Jan... crushed me in a way to know that it was so far away... I have to start picking myself up again but I feel the whirlwind coming on... it just feels like 2 steps forward and 5 back when on The Crash.

To be honest, the rest of the day is a blur now that I am writing this, I did little of significance apart from learning more about the early Roman Empire, I tried not to think about anything else, if I did I would start to torture myself with the repeating thoughts... I just hid away from the world... why would anyone want to see or talk to me anyway?

It's so easy to feel worthless when you're like this...


23/12/2016

And back to today...

I was probably down to 4 hours sleep that night, I decided to not take a sleeping tablet because I want to use them over the Christmas period when I know sleep will be really difficult... Also I planned to go into work to speak with The Boss, hand in the sicknote but talk through the fact I want to work when I feel like I mentally can... I was awake anyway and had a lift in so it wasn't too big of a problem... I didn't plan to work that day and he was fine with it so it was no stress, nice easy morning, say hi/bye to everyone before Christmas starts... Yeah, nice easy morning...

Or so I thought...

Sat in the car on the way in, exposed again to the world, I just wanted to cry, I didn't know what to say or do, I just felt vulnerable and I was with one of my favourite friends...

I got to work early and wanted to talk with my friend but just couldn't, that marathon talking event again... I sat in silence and waited for The Boss to arrive, we had a quick chat about the last day, I hold back the tears best I can, talk through the plan of attack to come and all agreed/happy with...

Rather than sit and talk with the good friends I have there, I just wanted to escape as soon as I could, I came out of the meeting, said my quick goodbyes and set off as quick as I could... I'd wanted to - deep down - have a nice laugh before Christmas started... that went well...

Needed to shop and get food stuffs in for Christmas... that can wait... Sofa-history-lesson-day with a break to force myself to type this ramble...

I just want to feel happy again...

TL;DR

The Crash...

Tehol said:

'Yet my heart breaks for a naked hen.'
1

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Posted 25 December 2016 - 06:53 PM

24/12/2016

I'm going to update during the day to get an accurate read...

- Woke up at 7:34 - that is the first time I have seen a "7" waking for a long time. I probaby had around 8 hours sleep, I feel more awake than usual but the energy levels are still very low.

- I've got a couple of options today, go see one of my best mates and relax or go out for a "coke" at the pub - unfortunately for me - or see another one of my best mates and go to the cinema - that is up in the air at the minute... normally I would jump at the chance to do any of these three options but I just cannot muster anything inside of me to want to do anything.

- It's 09:18 and I haven't really done anything, put some shows on for back ground noise but not really watching them, I feel hungry but cannot be bothered to get anything to eat, I generally feel really sad, every exhale is a sigh, nothing has really set me this way, just my overall general mood feeling - The Crash...

- I've just thought, I'm not stuck in the whirlwind of thoughts, yes I have had some thoughts drag me down so far but I haven't descended to the depths to start recycling... yet... I hope it stays that way, I can almost cope with that sorrowful feeling I have as long as the whirlwind isn't attached to it too...

- More updates to follow...

- Figured I had best add this, it's 09:47 now and after finishing typing the above line, I've just sat and looked out the window for the last half hour watching the tree's branches sway in the wind... today will be productive I can see...

- Ok... you know it's bad when you have a Christmas tradition, the one thing you do for yourself that you love doing, almost a ritual, Die Hard... The Muppets Christmas Carol and Home Alone must be watched over Christmas... yet the thoughts of doing that this year actually almost make my cry...

20:19...

So what have I done today? Very little, cinema didn't work out and I couldn't face going around to my mates, I read some and gamed some, haven't had much interest in the activities... needed to do stuff but put it all off... finally forced myself to move and leave the house around 17:45, only because the shop was about to close and I needed some toilet paper... a case of needs must...

But why am I writing this now? Because I need to...

My Dad called... the first time he has ever done that... ever...

That whirlwind? Hello there, I knew you would be along soon...

Drunk of course, I knew with his first word, just going on about his regrets of the past, how he misses me and wants me to uproot everything I've built, move close to him so it's easier for him to see me... yeah...

Wants to come and pick me up tomorrow and have me along for Christmas all nice and nice...

All the while talking on the phone I can't stop rubbing my hair, rubbing my neck, the hand that isn't holding the phone hasn't stopped... body language experts make of that what you will, I found it important enough to mention it...

It's hard to admit and I guess not very nice to put into writing but with my father, after everything I went through as a child, I guess I "nothing" him...

When we lived together, he was always working away, down the pub, drunk and smoking at home and generally making us live our lives on the edge constantly...

I was never a priority...

Violence was a common occurence in the household...

Especially for my mother...

One story I was told, I had to be taken to the hospital when only a week old... my father had gone to punch my mother - whilst drunk - whilst she was holding me, he had missed, hit me and gave me a black eye...

An early memory, maybe 4 years old, I guess the age because we both fit onto the same sofa cushion... I remember hugging onto my older brother for dear life, hid under the blanket, on the sofa in the front room... my parents are having an almighty argument, I cannot remember what about, just that my brother and I were scared out of our wits, crying hysterically, my mother begging and shouting that she hasn't done "something" then I hear the crash, the thump and her sobs, by this point my brother and I are just screaming, still hid under the blanket, I can remember my mother shouting, "Can you not hear the boys, hear what it is doing to them," and she threw herself on to us because I remember feeling the weight... I unfortunatley then remember another weight added to the crushed pile, my father had joined the fray and rather than comfort his scared witless children, he decided to continue a struggle with my mother...

For me...

I remember once when I was 6 years old... I had a plastic gun that fired the rubber darts that never stick to glass - even if you lick them - anyway... I was hiding in our dining room, lights off playing cowboys... someone walked out of the living room and into the hall... I couldn't see them and I shot them, was my father, he was drunk and I "could have put his eye out," he hit me that hard he sent me flying across the hall and into the door, I got up and he kicked me from behind into the wall... by this point I was screaming and my mother rushed out of the living room and helped me up and stopped it going further,,,

I remember once when I broke my remote control car... being that petrified of him I made a fort out of our bunkbeds, hid under my blanket and just sobbed wondering what he will do to me... I guess I sobbed myself to sleep, woke up and he had fixed the car and said nothing... that was the differing states father I had...

Always on the edge never knowing what was going to happen... those are just a couple of moments out of hundreds...

He has a very old fashioned sense of being... his first born son is his heir, his pride and joy, everything he believes that a man should know, he spent time teaching his first son, shooting, fishing, hunting... the second son? I was too much effort, too young, too much of a mothers boy... too fat...

I always felt like an annoyance to him, don't get me wrong, there was times when he shown that he could be a good father... just those times are lost to me, I honestly do not carry one positive memory of my father during childhood... it's sad to say that now... but that doesn't even bother me anymore, it is what it is...

But aye, that is why the whirldwind has started up, I wasn't doing too bad keeping it at bay, I've felt down and sorrowful all day but now all I can do is recycle my past, early childhood and instances that I have no hope of ever changing... just instances that I remember the pain from instead... yey...

Happy Christmas Eve...

And funny enough - great timing - as I've just typed that he has sent me a drunk text that I hardly understand saying he's in bed now and off to sleep...

I guess it's something, a phonecall and a text in one night... he normally leaves the texting to his new wife as he can't be bothered with it...

I guess it's Christmas afterall...

I'm just going to put on a film, take a sleeping tablet and try and hide away from my life...

Tehol said:

'Yet my heart breaks for a naked hen.'
1

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Posted 25 December 2016 - 06:54 PM

25/12/2016

Well... it's Christmas Day... yey... happy Christmas...

I wish I felt that...

I slept in till 08:30, again a bonus, more sleep than I've had in ages but I do not feel any more refreshed...

I think I've said it but I have had a few options/invites today but I turned them all down, I just wanted to bunker down and hide away from the world...

If I broke, I could break alone and not spoil anyone elses Christmas day... it should be a time of joy... not negativity... they didn't need me as a burden...

One of my best mates may pop over about 21:00 if the baby settles down but that's up in the air...

I've felt so sad and sorrowful all day, I've succumbed to the Whirlwind, I had a phone call with my mother this morning, the anxiety to just answer the phone was immense... seriously WTF? It was okay but you know when you just don't want to talk to anymore even though deep down I really did... it wasn't our usual flowing conversation... set me further into the Whirlwind of what is and what could have been...

I was right in the observation I made about music the other week, when like this it can kill me, I started thinking of Ave Maria and nearly started crying...

I had a good focus today, to cook Christmas lunch which I always enjoy doing but rather than having everything fully prepped and organised as I always do, I left everything to the last moment, it got done though.

I put the meat in the slow cooker at 10:30 and finally ate at 17:00...

The main reason for choosing to write today is two things...

Once I lost the focus of cooking the Christmas Diiner, once it was done, I sat down to eat and actually welled up with tears before I had taken the first bite, I just felt a mouring loss... I just felt sick with that feeling...

I cooked enough to feed 5000, I ate enough to feed 1/5 of a person, I guess it'll freeze...

Also another one of the main whirlwind thoughts today and why I am writing to either vent or explain irrational thoughts, I've had people contact me to ask how I am, it's nice and shows that they care, I really do appreciate it, the trouble is when you're like this it's about not about the people who do contact you...

It's about the people who do not...

You can easily say that why do you not just simply not contact them? Because I feel like to do so would be to just "bother" them...

I've chewed a lot today about this, family and a couple in particular, one a good friend who I go out of the way to help no matter the cost, they knew today would be a really difficult day for me... a day of hell and they haven't even bothered to spend two seconds to message me... I know it's an irrational thought, I admit to that but when like this it's like a cold blade piercing your heart... just further proof that no matter what you do in your actions, no matter what you do for people, the lengths you go to... you're ultimately worthless and insignificant... the chewing/recycling thought...

I'm sick of writing this now - about that worthless feeling - but it is what it is, a mood diary and that's the way I feel at the minute... non-stop...

Pain...

And that is why feeling like this... so low, trapped in a darkened world... the pain... you do think about just ending it all because it's not worth going through... I only write this because it was on my mind, again I tell myself to FUCK OFF with the thought and know it is just a fantasy to escape from this pain, I remain in control with absolutely no thought of carrying it out but it is there and you just have to keep on fighting it off...

To be honest it's annoying that my brain thinks that way and why I recognise it as such an irrational thought... it helps knowing that deep down I can recognise the irrationality of it all... but it is what it is and I am honest here...

Tehol said:

'Yet my heart breaks for a naked hen.'
1

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Posted 30 December 2016 - 09:53 AM

29/12/2016

I'm writing this because I pretty much have to after tonight...

Quick summary of the last few days...

Nothing really "new" to report - The Crash:

I've really struggled with the crash, my mood is nothing but sad and sorrowful, I've had to force myself to do anything, to move, to watch something, to leave the house and that is only because I have no option and need to buy some essentials...

I've never slept so much lately but never had so little motivation to do anything, no energy, no nothing really and it does kill you because parts of you are screaming to do activities, you've got plenty of options but to do these will break you... as tonight did...

I've bunkered down, done my own thing and kept my head down, kept to myself to get through the last few days, my good friend has come to see me a few times and that has helped... most of the day today I slept... I cried, I forced myself to eat something, I forced myself to read to try and take my mind out of the whirlwind...

Afterall I had a happy night to look forward to, I love going to the cinema and I was going to see a film I was excited for with one of my best mates...

I really didn't feel like it but got a shower before I set off out, try to perk me up but I was filled with that sorrowful feeling and trying to block it out, I had a good night to look forward to... yep...

It just doesn't work... I couldn't really talk to my friend much, the usual response rather than making conversation, I felt emotionally on edge and anxious that I was out in public.

I sat in the cinema and just wanted to cry... and no that wasn't due to any sad film etc... it was during the adverts, during the film, at the end... for much of the film my mind was elsewhere, caught up in that whirlwind...

After the film, we got back to the car and I just started to cry, tried to explain what was going on but just wanted to sob and I couldn't link it to any particular reason...

Got home, said out goodbyes, the moment I got into the house I broke, I must have sobbed my heart out for at least an hour, maybe more, I'm not too sure to be honest but I was back home before 19:50 and it wasn't until 21:10 that I started to come to my senses somewhat... either that or I cried myself out...

I just felt lost, I just felt... actually, name a painful feeling and I felt it... I honestly wanted to just shout in frustration until my throat was raw, it was a really difficult time.

After that finished I just sat in silence for an hour then thought I best type this...

Doctors tomorrow, thank god... This is getting too much if it carries on the way it is...

How the fuck do I get through this?!

Tehol said:

'Yet my heart breaks for a naked hen.'
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Posted 02 January 2017 - 07:57 PM

30/12/2016

Once I fell asleep it wasn't too bad, I think I was exhausted from all the tears, it just took a while to get to sleep, I got a total of maybe 7 1/2 hours in the end.

It's nice in a way to get more sleep than late... actually I would say on any other circumstance it's heaven but unfortunately I just don't feel like doing anything or wanting to do anything so the extra sleep is wasted.

Alas, today I need to go to the doctors for an update, get more meds and just see where I am at.

I need to shave, I just cannot be bothered but I do get a shower and head off. It was pretty standard, there is nothing much more they can do for me at the minute until I get to the CMHT... 19/01/2017... it cannot come soon enough.

They keep me on the 60mg dose of Fluoxetine and I get another 7 days of sleeping tablets, much needed, as mentioned sleep is a big trigger.

I force myself to get a haircut too, only a month overdue... I climbed Everest to be able to do that... it's ridiculous.

My overall mood is very flat, I am nowhere near as emotional as I was last night which is good news in a way but I am sitting right on the edge, anything could set me off. My good friend is coming over later on in the night so that will help, it'll be good to talk.

I spend much of the day bunkered down trying not to get consumed by the negative, irrational thoughts, it's impossible to keep them at bay and I find myself continuously chewing over the same old shit... shit I cannot escape from... it is frustrating that I cannot escape...

I would love to do something but when feeling this flat it's practicually impossible...

Tehol said:

'Yet my heart breaks for a naked hen.'
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