Malazan Empire: So, let's talk about sex - Malazan Empire

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So, let's talk about sex I'm having a crisis of thought...

#321 User is offline   Abyss 

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Posted 11 April 2014 - 03:29 PM

View PostTattersail_, on 11 April 2014 - 12:54 PM, said:

I was about to go to bed when I get a call. It was from this girl that I liked. She asked me to come over. I thought about it for a whole 0 seconds and said yes. I ring her door bell and she lets me in.We get cozy and she starts telling me about her day. I pretended to listen, as you do, she mentioned something about her sick puppy or whatever and how she had finally got it to sleep. She asked me about my day and then after a brief discussion we went upstairs. I have been here since then, the sex is just awesome!



View PostTattersail_, on 11 April 2014 - 12:55 PM, said:

Here's a picture of me and the puppy (it's well again)

Attachment puppy.jpg



Let me get this straight... after that story, you posted a pic of the dog.

...do you need me to explain to you why this is wrong? i mean, sure, cute puppy, whatever... seriously, the dog?



View PostTiste Brent Not Abyss Weeks Simeon, on 11 April 2014 - 02:57 PM, said:

...I find it fascinating reading about these experiences that are in some ways alien to me!


Just fyi, THIS...

Spoiler


..is alien dating.
THIS IS YOUR REMINDER THAT THERE IS A
'VIEW NEW CONTENT' BUTTON THAT
ALLOWS YOU TO VIEW NEW CONTENT
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#322 User is offline   Tattersail_ 

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Posted 11 April 2014 - 03:35 PM

That isn't me Abyss, it was a picture I found on Tumblr that someone had reposted :sofa:
Apt is the only one who reads this. Apt is nice.
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#323 User is offline   HiddenOne 

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Posted 11 April 2014 - 03:43 PM

This thread has just improved my day, thanks fellows
HiddenOne. You son of a bitch. You slimy, skulking, low-posting scumbag. You knew it would come to this. Roundabout, maybe. Tortuous, certainly. But here we are, you and me again. I started the train on you so many many hours ago, and now I'm going to finish it. Die HO. Die. This is for last time, and this is for this game too. This is for all the people who died to your backstabbing, treacherous, "I sure don't know what's going on around here" filthy lying, deceitful ways. You son of a bitch. Whatever happens, this is justice. For me, this is justice. Vote HiddenOne Finally, I am at peace.
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#324 User is offline   Abyss 

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Posted 11 April 2014 - 03:45 PM

View PostTattersail_, on 11 April 2014 - 03:35 PM, said:

That isn't me Abyss, it was a picture I found on Tumblr that someone had reposted :sofa:


IT'S NOT EVEN THE REAL DOG??????
THIS IS YOUR REMINDER THAT THERE IS A
'VIEW NEW CONTENT' BUTTON THAT
ALLOWS YOU TO VIEW NEW CONTENT
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#325 User is offline   Tattersail_ 

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Posted 11 April 2014 - 03:47 PM

View PostAbyss, on 11 April 2014 - 03:45 PM, said:

View PostTattersail_, on 11 April 2014 - 03:35 PM, said:

That isn't me Abyss, it was a picture I found on Tumblr that someone had reposted :sofa:


IT'S NOT EVEN THE REAL DOG??????


Ha ha ha, no. The whole response from me was for laughter :)
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#326 User is offline   Aptorian 

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Posted 11 April 2014 - 03:52 PM

God damn it, every time I see this thread title I get this pavlovian need to bust out Salt'n'Pepper lyrics.
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#327 User is offline   Tattersail_ 

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Posted 11 April 2014 - 03:56 PM

That song has now entered my head..
Apt is the only one who reads this. Apt is nice.
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#328 User is offline   Macros 

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Posted 11 April 2014 - 04:01 PM

This thread amuses/depresses me by equal turns.

what started out as a reasonably interesting premise slowly descended into what I expected it too.
then Tatts saved the day and made me laugh with the dog
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#329 User is online   QuickTidal 

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Posted 12 April 2014 - 10:42 AM

View PostTiste Brent Not Abyss Weeks Simeon, on 11 April 2014 - 02:57 PM, said:

Reading through this thread is somewhat confusing to me as I never dated girls with the idea that I would have sex with her afterwards. Sure there was a thought that it would no doubt be nice to but I only really dated Christian girls so I knew that we would be thinking of where this would go long term rather than just if I could me get sex (and if I wanted sex it would be a long time in the future after the correct words had been said and correct rings adorned!)
I find it fascinating reading about these experiences that are in some ways alien to me!


Though my background reasons are different, I also never thought this way...and in fact I was once TOTALLY blindsided by the (then unknown to me) third date rule. The girl came over to my house to hang out, and then stripped off her clothes...I was like "where am I? What is happening?" LOL

This post has been edited by QuickTidal: 12 April 2014 - 10:44 AM

"When the last tree has fallen, and the rivers are poisoned, you cannot eat money, oh no." ~Aurora

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#330 User is offline   HiddenOne 

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Posted 12 April 2014 - 01:43 PM

But then you said "This is the best 28th birthday party ever!" :sofa:


What is the 3rd Date rule? I infer from context that it involves copulatory achievement.
HiddenOne. You son of a bitch. You slimy, skulking, low-posting scumbag. You knew it would come to this. Roundabout, maybe. Tortuous, certainly. But here we are, you and me again. I started the train on you so many many hours ago, and now I'm going to finish it. Die HO. Die. This is for last time, and this is for this game too. This is for all the people who died to your backstabbing, treacherous, "I sure don't know what's going on around here" filthy lying, deceitful ways. You son of a bitch. Whatever happens, this is justice. For me, this is justice. Vote HiddenOne Finally, I am at peace.
1

#331 User is online   QuickTidal 

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Posted 12 April 2014 - 05:20 PM

View PostHiddenOne, on 12 April 2014 - 01:43 PM, said:

But then you said "This is the best 28th birthday party ever!" :sofa:


What is the 3rd Date rule? I infer from context that it involves copulatory achievement.


http://www.urbandict...d%20Date%20Rule

It's an utterly bizarre rule, and like I said, prior to that date (in which the girl informed me what the 3rd date may entail) I knew nothing of it. And since the next girl I dated was my future wife...I never encountered it again. Still, very strange. Why 3?

But it's been on BIG BANG THEORY as well (Bernadette informed Howard about it in Season 3).
"When the last tree has fallen, and the rivers are poisoned, you cannot eat money, oh no." ~Aurora

"Someone will always try to sell you despair, just so they don't feel alone." ~Ursula Vernon
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#332 User is offline   Macros 

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Posted 12 April 2014 - 05:47 PM

Its another urban myth bullshit that's taken on wings of its own.
You aren't entitled to anything on the third date, and there should be no expectations either its led to a culture (amongst some people) that a girl is a prude is she doesn't put out by the third date (yet if she's a girl who's had an unfortunate dating record dating a lot of guys this same rule would label her a slut with the same people, lets not get into THAT particularly fucking stupid double standard).

Its like any 'rule' relating to dating, relationships or sexual encounters, total fucking bollocks.
(apart from legal rules on sexual encounters, for the most part they exist for very good reasons)
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#333 User is offline   Andorion 

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Posted 06 January 2016 - 05:38 AM

We have a thread on sex?
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#334 User is offline   Tapper 

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Posted 06 January 2016 - 09:10 AM

View Postworrywort, on 16 November 2012 - 06:10 AM, said:

Too many jokes, this is the Discussion Forum, please incinerate all jokes BEFORE you enter here.


I guess it's the above. If it were the Inn, we might have had more boinking stories.
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#335 User is offline   Traveller 

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Posted 06 January 2016 - 09:38 AM

If it was it would be more like the poop thread.

'Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.'
So that's the story. And what was the real lesson? Don't leave things in the fridge.
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#336 User is offline   Tapper 

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Posted 06 January 2016 - 10:36 AM

View PostTraveller, on 06 January 2016 - 09:38 AM, said:

If it was it would be more like the poop thread.

'Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.'

Yeah. I am not saying it would be a good thing.
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#337 User is offline   Macros 

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Posted 06 January 2016 - 11:17 AM

It would not be a good thing
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#338 User is offline   Morgoth 

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Posted 06 January 2016 - 12:26 PM

Well, over the last year I have learned that my ex was perfectly mediocre in bed. The sex we had was much better than anything I had previously experienced, but I was 19 at the time and clearly didn't know any better.

In that regard I suppose I have been lucky in a strange way. It would have been sad to go through life without ever having experienced the kind of sex that simply blows your mind. Although, I guess I wouldn't have known what I was missing.

I have also learned that it's incredibly easy to be above average in bed. Just paying some attention to what a girl likes and taking ones time seems to be much more than what most men are capable of doing. Also making noises seems to be key. A lot of men stay entierly silent? People are weird.
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#339 User is offline   Coco with marshmallows 

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Posted 06 January 2016 - 01:45 PM

Strange.

I thought this was the thread Tiste started asking for advice.

Or is that somewhere within the 19 pages of this topic?
meh. Link was dead :(
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#340 User is online   QuickTidal 

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Posted 06 January 2016 - 02:46 PM

I've learned something interesting I didn't know before in the last year.

Sex with ones spouse is excellent, especially eager, tear those clothes off sex when they return from a trip or some such or if it's been a few weeks. I call this freestyle sex, just doing it for doing its' sake. It's great because you know each other so well AND you get to experiment. No awkwardness, just bumpin' and grindin'.

Babymaking sex on the other hand is not fun for either party. Which is odd. But you're like concentrated on too many things to make it as enjoyable as the above-noted freestyle sex. I'm not even sure why this is, but both my wife and I were too preoccupied with what we were doing and why we were doing it to make it as enjoyable as sex should be. You're on a schedule, you have ovulation times to worry about, and you HAVE to do it whether you feel up to it or not, which means not eating a heavy dinner beforehand, or not having a pulled muscle or any of the myriad of things that might stop you on a normal day from getting it on. And even if you do have those things going on...you just have to do it anyways. We thought we were weird, until she noted this fact to her sister who said "Yep, babymaking sex is not fun."

Anyways. That's what I learned in my 38th year, about sex. I guess you never stop learning.
"When the last tree has fallen, and the rivers are poisoned, you cannot eat money, oh no." ~Aurora

"Someone will always try to sell you despair, just so they don't feel alone." ~Ursula Vernon
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