[Orfantal]

@ Master Prudent

Cheers matey!

Liked your two, have to say I prefer the first to the second. Found them both interesting, short almost staccato lines, and a mysterious feel. Found myself going back to read them again searching for the inspiration behind them. Particularly like the fiirst two verses of the first one, just something about the phrases and the image it conjures up.


@ Dolmen

This was interesting too. The first two verses while okay seemed a little bland but the third verse and the last line were far more personal and involved and that pulled me in a lot more. If this came to you on the spur of the moment then it would be intersting to see what you could do with it if you wanted to take it further or develp the idea.

[Dolmen 2.0]

Am not sure how 2 develop my ideas orfantal. Usually I write something as it comes then leave it alone cause I don't wnt to mess up the idea behind it. how do you do it? is there like a modus operendi?

[Orfantal]

I guess it depends on what you want to get out of it. Poetry's such a personal and intimate way of writing and everyone approaches it in their own way. I write a lot of things that I have an urge to complete and get on paper and when that's done I wouldn't want to touch them again. Doesn't mean that I'm always happy with them , but I can't seem to want to mess with them. Others though I've kept working on or I've come back to and reworked. Not sure why it's some and not others.

So I'd say from your point of view what matters is are you happy with what you've written, does it say what you wanted to and do you feel any need to improve it. If you feel reluctant to mess then leave it as it is, try and analyse what you do and don't like about it and learn from that. If you do feel you still have ideas for it that haven't been fulfilled then give iot another go. you could either look at the bits you're less happy with and try and improve them or have a go at rewriting the whole thing again but trying to incorporate the elements and ideas you felt worked.

For me, and obviously this is just my personal interpretation and no better than anyone elses, I felt that the first two verses were less interesting than the others. they felt less personal, less involved and the wording less interesting. The remainder struck a far stronger image, more memorable lines, and imbued far more with emotion, although I'm not sure I would have seen your inspiration from them.

Hope this makes some sense and isn't too rambling.

[Orfantal]

Something new.... wasn't sure whether I should stop there or add a bit more.

The Last Dance

She danced alone, a sight unseen,
in taffeta and velveteen,
her ragged hem a sighing sound
across the rough and stony ground.
She twirled and whirled, her path a maze
through lost and lonely pain filled days,
arms raised outstretched, beseeching,
always grasping, never reaching.
Adrift ,unknown, long hair awry,
her stumbling steps a lullaby
for all the raging doubts and fears
that clawed from her such bitter tears.
Nobody ever saw her face
as she slowly circled in place,
trapped in a never ending dream,
mouth agape in a silent scream.
No-one saw her stagger and fall,
her bitter final curtain call,
or saw her sprawled upon the ground
with legs still moving round and round.

[Chaos]

That's an awesome piece Orf, well rounded in rhythm and style . Looks as though I'm gonna have to peruse back to look at your other stuff now!

[Dolmen 2.0]

I agree. That piece held me from the beginning till the end Orfantal. Thanks 4 the advice I'll try it in practice and post up the result.

[Orfantal]

@ Chaos - cheers matey! Hope we'll see some more of yours again

@ Dolmen - Cheers! Guess you've got to find what you feel comfortable with and something that works for you. Only thing I'd say is don't be afraid to try changes and somethig different with it. You may end up going back to the original and saying that was the best version, but you'll feel sure then.

Yeah have to admit that's one I'm quite pleased with, and I stuck to a fixed rhythm and rhyme as well without feeling it compromised it

[Chaos]

Something I just wrote, for those who can remember that far back my usual writing rules applied here (ie there are none ). No idea on a title, and it doesn't end as smoothly. If I ever feel like looking back and editing I will def have to check this one but its always more about the content than the structure for me. Anyways, enough rambling.




Sultry red lips reaching upwards,
Baring starch white teeth
Shining in the light,
Just for me

Slender legs splayed provocatively,
Leaning back on the bar stool,
Eyes locked eternally,
Forever on me

Sembling my courage I step forward
Resting a hand on thin legs
Sense not even a tremble
As we kiss

Dry dust scoures my tongue,
Scraping red raw passion,
My blood flows again,
Rain on sand

Reaching forward to cup a breast,
Boldly searching, grasping,
Tightening around the shaft
Of the knife

Pulling back, pulling out,
To stare at the hole,
Sand spilling out
Down onto my shoes

Tide of silky grains
Creeps up my knees, thighs, groin,
Sensual caresses rising,
Teasingly up to my mouth

Slipping once more inside
Pushing deeper than before,
Seeking my heart,
Kissing my heart

Whispers of eternity smothering
The faltering beat,
Hugging my core tight
Telling me its alright

Collapsing in a cloud,
She leaves me standing breathless,
At the bar smiling,
Knife lodged in my breast.

[Dolmen 2.0]

This is something I wrote a while back. Inspiration is obvious. I reworked it a bit and though I'm not totally happy with it, it definately improved after rewriting so here it is.

I looked and found the truth/
reflected through her eyes.
She knew me in that moment/
I couldn't tell my lies.

back then we knew this time would come/
Dispite the world we shared
back then we thought this pain would numb/
But even now we cared.

I wouldn't have watched her leave/
I'd have never said good bye.
But looking back on all those deeds/
I'm glad she made me try.

@chaos: ouch about the knife, was it metaphorical or actually stuck in? I'm not to sure but it seemed actual thus ow...

[Chaos]

it's whatever you percieve it to be if you're asking what was intended.. lol i dunno just seemed to fit

[Orfantal]

Chaos

yet another of yours I like - as usual some striking imagery. I like a bit of structure normally but I know you're a go with the moment guy so i wouldn't criticise that at all. Liked the first and last verse in particular and

"Whispers of eternity smothering
The faltering beat,"

Any significance to the sand?...seems to feature heavily so I wondered... made me think of an hourglass or eggtimer a la Death.

[Orfantal]

@ Dolmen

liked that one too, yeah moved along nicely and held together well, giving a clear and plaintive story.

"But even now we cared" - should this end with care?

Was also unsure about the "come" and "numb" rhyme in the middle verse, perhaps unintentional but felt out of place as the other two verses didn't have that rhyme there. I'd consider changing "numb" perhaps to "ease" but just my opinion

Must have liked it cos it sparked me off.....hope you don't mind I've had a crack at using it as a starting point :-

I searched a long and lonely time
but finally found truth,
unveiled, reflected from her glorious eyes,
and in that moment she perceived my soul
and stripped from me my lies.

Back then we knew our time was precious,
fragile with a reckoning due,
despite the shining world we shared.
We'd thought that we could ease this pain,
a sweet conceit, yet even now we care.

I never could have stood and watched her leave,
tearing her love away from me.
I'd never have dared to say goodbye.
But as i look back on all we shared and did,
I love her for the way she made me try.


Hope you don't mind but it just set me off.

[Dolmen 2.0]

I don't mind I Actually never noticed the numb/come rhyme. odd =/

I like the way you interpreted it into your style. I think its a very open piece and I'm pleased it ignited your inspiration.

@Cause: Its impressive writting as it comes and yielding a good result as you do. keep it up man.

[Orfantal]

Thanks Dolmen, yeah it just sort of set me off.

a few offerings..

These two I'd started a few days a go and finished last night

First Steps

A look, a smile or furtive glance
can set the course for random chance
and steer it in a certain way
allow emotions into play.
Something grabs hold of our thoughts,
maybe words and witty retorts,
or just a look, a style, a grace,
perhaps a striking pretty face.
A shapely leg, how her clothes fit
The way she walks, the way she sits.
A spark strikes imagination,
grows and feeds infatuation,
Fed and watered along the way
with something new in every day.
A trickling stream that starts to spread
With every new word that is said,
every shared contact of the eyes,
the gripping thrill of sweet replies.
The growing bond, each added chain
that binds together in this game.
The almost accidental touch,
that sends a shock and means so much.
The subtle coyly cautious signs
as two lives gradually entwine.
The fragile bravely spreading strands
that knit together like clasped hands.


My Shame

Your smile, once such a joy to me,
is now a source of pain.
The hopes that you had lent to me,
are gurgling down the drain.
The trust that you once placed in me
sits heavy on my heart.
The plans that you had made with me
fall torn and ripped apart.
The dreams that you presented me
lie crushed beneath my feet.
The life, which you had joined to me
is shattered, incomplete.
The arms you used to comfort me
carry no share of blame.
The love that you had gifted me
now burns my bones with shame.


This one I wrote last night, and I like the rhyming structure in it.


Domestic Bliss

Head bowed against the stairs
she glares into an empty space
her face distressed and red
embedded in it harsh and clear
her fear and with it pain
remaining as a hand shaped mark
set stark against her cheek
a bleak reminder of the blow
let go against her pride
she hides the evidence of course
remorse the balm applied
a tide of insincere glib lies
disguise the sordid fact
attacked behind her own front door
before her children’s eyes
their cries a counterpoint to those
that rose against her loud
endowed with rage and bitter hate
a spate of vicious bile
reviling her with drunken spite
a fight she could not halt
the fault not hers although she paid
in spades for it despite
the rights and wrongs she took the blame
her shame completed as
the bastard hit her in the face
disgracefully aware
of their disparate strengths no doubt
without a moment’s thought
he sought to beat down her reply
a violent answer that
her battered face showed clear
her tears a poignant plea
for freedom from her misery

[Orfantal]

Just add another - wrote this one on the train this morning and it's cheerful stuff!

Wave Goodbye

The scarlet droplets disperse into the tepid water,
a billowing cloud swirling in mysterious patterns
This scarlet wave goodbye that dances slowly
meandering lazily before my fading eyesight,
my pasty flesh a pale and pallid contrast.
The monotonous dripping from the tap
a deathly knell that echoes in my head
with depressing metronomic regularity.
My vision swims, dipping into confusion,
before surfacing again with crystal clarity.
My dully thudding heartbeat slows and stutters
as my thoughts race by, wired and wild,
rebounding in my brain and scattering.
I have the time for a moment’s sharp regret
but cannot move, slumped in silent desperation,
as I slowly slip under and away.

[Chaos]

Orfantal said:

Chaos

yet another of yours I like - as usual some striking imagery. I like a bit of structure normally but I know you're a go with the moment guy so i wouldn't criticise that at all.

much appreciated

Orfantal said:

Chaos


Any significance to the sand?...seems to feature heavily so I wondered... made me think of an hourglass or eggtimer a la Death.

I think its most likely the image of the sand influenced by rererererere-reading DHG in prep for BH, I got the idea after the first verse cos it just seemed to fit in with the image of her dessicated head that I was trying to imply. That and The Mummy with that scene where the sand pours through the lock.. good film.

[Orfantal]

Chaos said:

much appreciated

I think its most likely the image of the sand influenced by rererererere-reading DHG in prep for BH, I got the idea after the first verse cos it just seemed to fit in with the image of her dessicated head that I was trying to imply. That and The Mummy with that scene where the sand pours through the lock.. good film.

Hahaha

Ha you know it just shows that perceptions are so different. All I got was the image of life spilling away like sand in an eggtimer, and I hadn't picked up the suggestion of her head being dessicated. I can see the link with the Mummy (yeah good film) image pretty clearly apart from that.

[Chaos]

Orfantal said:

Hahaha

Ha you know it just shows that perceptions are so different. All I got was the image of life spilling away like sand in an eggtimer, and I hadn't picked up the suggestion of her head being dessicated. I can see the link with the Mummy (yeah good film) image pretty clearly apart from that.

Perhaps I was a bit too subtle I guess I had T'lan Imass on the brain and so was more obvious to me. I really wanted to use the word rictus when describing her in the first stanza but didn't quite sound so seductive I love seeing how people interpret my work differently though, it'd be boring as hell if we all saw the same stuff. I'll have to read through your new stuff later as I've got work to do

[Orfantal]

Chaos said:

Perhaps I was a bit too subtle I guess I had T'lan Imass on the brain and so was more obvious to me. I really wanted to use the word rictus when describing her in the first stanza but didn't quite sound so seductive I love seeing how people interpret my work differently though, it'd be boring as hell if we all saw the same stuff. I'll have to read through your new stuff later as I've got work to do

Well there were bits that implied that image....

"Baring starch white teeth"
"Slender legs"
"Eyes locked eternally,
Forever on me"
"Resting a hand on thin legs"

These all reinforce it, the trouble is the first stanza has this ...

"Sultry red lips reaching upwards"

and that stopped me seeing it cause the red lips and sultry image was already there and strong. Hard to see how a rictus would appear seductive yeah!

well exactly

[Chaos]

ah. good point. didn't think of that. .... bugga