Posted 04 January 2010 - 01:28 PM
Chapter 1
Torvald Nom is idly strolling through a back alley when he hears from the end of the lane a series of cracking, smashing and collapsing noises very similar to someone being picked up, folded into a ball, dribbled around and then dunked through a stable wall.
Torvald: "Either I'm having a flashback to Badass College, or..."
He runs out to see a crowd of people surrounding the unmistakable form of Karsa Motherfucking Orlong, also known as Orverylong to his close female acquaintances (or distant female acquaintances depending on which end they're at), striding away from a fallen building. Samar Dev is following him and shouting but no-one listens to her anyway so we've not bothered to give her any lines.
Torvald: "Karsa!"
The giant turns, grunts, and smiles.
Karsa: "Torvald!"
Tovald: "Bar?"
Karsa: "Several."
Chapter 2
Torvald and Karsa are standing on a hilltop, watching the colossal blue-tinged inferno where Darujistan used to be. Both of them are holding several bottles, Karsa holding a sack making bottleish noises when he moves. Both are slightly scorched.
Torvald: "Karsa?"
Karsa: "Torvald?"
Torvald: "Do you think that armwrestling contest was a bad idea?"
A whistling noise is heard, beginning to increase in volume.
Karsa: "It got us out of paying the tab, didn't it?"
The noise ends with a solid thud as a figure lands near the two, embedding itself into the ground.
Torvald: "But it was your round."
Without turning, Torvald and Karsa each throw one of the bottles they were holding at the person in the ground. Two chainmail-covered arms snap up and snatch them out of the air, their owner opening one and downing it in one go. Silence descends (apart from the roar of the flames and subsidiary explosions). Eventually, the embedded figure speaks.
Kallor: "The next bar is in Pale, isn't it?"
Karsa: "Yes."
Kallor: "I still have my Brood's Army discount card, Pale has a couple of anti-Malaz places that haven't stopped accepting it there."
Torvald: "Excellent. Well then, shall we?"
Torvald and Karsa start walking, Karsa pausing only to pull Kallor out of the ground and set him on his feet. Kallor dusts himself off and catches up. The three head off into the sunset, the image spoiled only marginally by the cataclysm that used to be Darujistan burning away merrily behind them.
The End
And that there is exactly why I'm not writing any part of the Malazan series. That and the court order.
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like he’s me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. I’m on a quorl.