[King Lear]

Called it

[Ain't_It_Just_]

I've heard that one before, but with golf balls. Well played.

[Beezulbubba]

Some examples of MC George Shea's fine work at the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest yesterday (July 4, 2012).

Opening:

Quote

"Destiny has arrived and it stands above us like a perfect blue sky!!!!"

Introductions of the competitors:

Quote

Tim "Gravy" Brown - "He is also the intellect behind Glutton Force 5, which is a Chicago food truck that serves chili in a bag and pork shoulder in a clear plastic cup.* G-G-G-G-G-G GRAVY BROWN!!!"

Sean "Flash" Gordon - "He ate 19.5 peanut butter and banana sandwiches to honor the birthday of Elvis and he ate six pounds of french fries... uh... just because!"

"Crazy Legs" Conti - "He will always be known for the time he was buried alive under 60 feet of popcorn and he ate his way out to survival. And that is why they call him the Houdini of Cuisini, Crazy Legs Conti!!!!"

Eric "Badlands" Booker - "For decades scientists have tried to find the hidden source of mass in the universe and they created a large hadron collider in Geneva in search of the so-called Higgs Boson. In fact, the results of their test come out today. But I can tell you something, you didn't need to go to all that trouble. The hidden mass of the universe is hidden in this man, the big man, the bad man... Eric "Badlands" Booker!!!"

"Notorious B.O.B" Bob Shoudt - "To this day he remembers the words of his grammy when she compared his thighs to salt hams that'd soaked too long in a tub of their own grime and he winces when he recalls his high school coach speculating aloud about whether his favorite words in the English language were resting and heartrate or meatloaf and sandwich. But no one's ridiculed him since he became a hip hop icon* and he ate 13 pounds of chili spaghetti, 23 pounds of salmon chowder, he is now the Notorious B.O.B!!!"

My favorite:

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Joey Chestnut - "Too many of us are broken men and we kneel at the side of the road to be covered in the dust from the hooves of our enemies' horses and we chew on gravel and we smile the smile of broken teeth and supplication, but one man will not kneel! One man will stand always and he will cast you in his shadow! Because the rock on which he stands IS NOT A ROCK! It is courage! It is hope! Enough to sustain a nation! He will howl at the moon and he will claw his name into the new day to put his claim! Ladies and gentlemen, the #1 ranked eater in the world! The asparagus and wonton and corned beef eating champion of the world. He has God's username and password and he does with it what he chooses. The Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Champion, JOEY CHESTNUUUUUUUUT!!!"

[Tapper]

"I'm not going to lie, it can be fun throwing money over a naked midget in one of the most famous gangster strip clubs in America," he offers, sagely. "But after a while, throwing money around is not sensible, even if the midget is willing." - Dizzee Rascal

[Beezulbubba]

Chaz The Intolerant Chick-fil-A Chicken

Quote

Remember folks, it's Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve. And at Chick-fil-A it's cock a doodle doo, not dude will do a cock.

[Coco with marshmallows]

From a friend's Facebook:

Quote

Man I keep reading about spiders. They're jerks, they mimic everything. This is a ladybird mimic spider, apparently.

http://www.mzephotos...bird-spider.jpg

Fuck that. ANYTHING could be a spider. You reach into your fridge and pull out a yoghurt SURPRISE IT'S A YOGHURT SPIDER you're walking down a street, and a postbox mysteriously tackles you GUESS WHAT COCKSUCKER GIANT LESSER SPOTTED POSTBOX SPIDER you reach out in the dark and flip on a lightswitch but it doesn't work properly so you do it a few more times GUESS WHAT YOU'RE FUCKED IT WAS A LIGHTSWITCH SPIDER AND YOU'RE STILL IN THE DARK.

Also you just gave a light switch spider a handjob hahaha nice going you arachnofondler

[Ain't_It_Just_]

While watching Reefer Madness:

"Transubstantiate, that's a big word for a virgin!"-Myself

[Tiste Simeon]

Saw this on Facebook & while it's not 100% true, just look at the charts today & it's hard not to agree...

"Sex sells, good music doesn't."

[Adjutant Stormy~]

Quote

Paul Ryan and I have more in common than anybody thought.

Neither of us will ever be Vice President.

[Shiara]

Sparrohawk:

Quote

And in the struggle of life did our backs bow from pressure, did our knees strain and our resolve showed cracks at the very foundation. We gave voice to our struggle through teeth gritted and muscles knotted, as ever did vagaries of sweet, sweet life did weigh heavily, as did the skies' roof on the shoulders of Atlas himself.

But behold! For soon shall the pressure relent for but a moment, a moment long enough to shrug our shoulders, to gird our loins and return for a moment to that briefest of paradises, that of Freedom. We shall sup from the honeyed nectar of that Freedom, and we shall shout our exultation of life's pleasures, and our victory over its pains!

For we are Spam.

And Spam bows to no-one.

[Aptorian]

Can't remember if this has been posted before but it gets me right in the feels every time

Quote

The Egg

By: Andy Weir



You were on your way home when you died.

It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that’s when you met me.

“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”

“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.

“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”

“Yup,” I said.

“I… I died?”

“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.

You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”

“More or less,” I said.

“Are you god?” You asked.

“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”

“My kids… my wife,” you said.

“What about them?”

“Will they be all right?”

“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”

You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”

“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”

“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”

“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”

“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”

You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”

“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”

“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”

“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.

“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”

“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”

“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”

“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”

“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”

“Where you come from?” You said.

“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”

“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”

“So what’s the point of it all?”

“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”

“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.

I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”

“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”

“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”

“Just me? What about everyone else?”

“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”

You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”

“All you. Different incarnations of you.”

“Wait. I’m everyone!?”

“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.

“I’m every human being who ever lived?”

“Or who will ever live, yes.”

“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”

“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.

“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.

“And you’re the millions he killed.”

“I’m Jesus?”

“And you’re everyone who followed him.”

You fell silent.

“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”

You thought for a long time.

“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”

“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”

“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”

“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”

“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”

“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”

And I sent you on your way.

Imagine if this was the basis of your religion.

[Adjutant Stormy~]

I've heard worse.

[King Lear]

Read today, somewhere on the internet:

'what if your nipples were crayons?'

[Aptorian]

SPOILERS FOR THE EXPANDED STAR WARS UNIVERSE BOOKS

Quote

My favorite Star Wars conspiracy is that the Emperor wasn't spending all those resources creating crazy superweapons like the Death Star and the Sun Crusher and putting together gigantic fleets of Star Destroyers wasn't to stop the Rebel Alliance, but rather in preparation of the Yuuzhan Vong Invasion that would happen about a quarter century after RoTJ ended.

Now the Emperor is a pretty smart guy. I mean, he got himself elected to Chancellor of the Republic, started a war, earned himself absolute control on both sides of the war, then managed to turn the galaxy against the guys who for a millennium had served as icons of peacekeeping, justice, and democracy. And that takes some serious strategizing! But here's the thing:

At this point, the Republic was falling apart, with or without a Sith-led Separatist movement to nudge them in the wrong direction. The senate was a clusterfuck where nothing ever got done. Corruption reigned supreme. Even the Jedi Council wasn't doing it's job properly. Ideally, Jedi are supposed to act as bastions of compassion and moderation. The way the Jedi would be tasked to deal with a situation is as a balancing influence between, say, two conflicting nation-states, or a particularly quarrelsome trade agreement. Everyone respected and would listen to a Jedi, and even without acting on behalf of the Republic, they should be able to arrive on a scene and be able to allow discussion and bureaucracy to flourish. Instead, the Jedi Council of the waning days of the Republic had grown inward and conservative, spending all their time meditating on the state of the galaxy and not enough time heading out there and fixing shit. This held throughout the war, when Jedi were surprisingly quick to jump to open combat as opposed to discussion.

In short, the Republic was completely and utterly unprepared for a real invasion, from a force that wasn't being controlled by a puppetmaster who was preventing either side from gaining an advantage until the moment was right. The kinds of fleets that were commonplace in the Empire would have been impossible for the Republic to even agree to create, let alone have the wherewithal to actually build. What Palpatine did was take a failing system and tear it out by the roots, replacing it with a brutally efficient, military-industrial focused society - one that could adequately prepare for an invasion of the scale of the Yuuzhan Vong were already beginning.

Second of all, if you think about it, creating a weapon that can destroy planets doesn't make a whole lot of sense when you're fighting a war against a well funded, but decentralized and scattered rebellion. The Rebel Alliance wasn't fighting a war of planets or borders or resources, they were fighting a war of attrition. What good is the ability to destroy a planet when your enemy doesn't even officially control any? The destruction of Alderaan, the only notable use of the Death Star, was a move made by Grand Moff Tarkin, whose Tarkin Doctrine, though it heavily influenced the way the Empire kept a tight grip on even the furthest systems, was not the ultimate purpose of the "ultimate weapon". Tarkin was convinced that the Death Star was his tool, one of intimidation and despotism, that he could use it to keep the Alliance, the biggest threat to his power, at bay. And we all know how that venture turned out.

No, the real purpose of the Death Star was to be able to fight a force that could completely terraform an entire planet into a gigantic, organic shipyard in a matter of months, and was backed by dozens of 100+ Kilometer across worldships. In fact, without the timely arrival of the seed of the original Yuuzhan Vong homeworld, Zonama Sekot, and a Jedi-influenced heretic cult that spurred a slave uprising, it's very unlikely that the denizens of the galaxy could have survived the war at all under the leadership of the New Republic. In fact, it's not really even fair to say that they "won" the war in any sense, with a sizable portion of the population of the galaxy eradicated, Coruscant, the former shining jewel at the heart of every major government for millennia, captured and terraformed beyond recognition, and the New Republic forced to reconstruct itself as the Galactic Alliance. Undoubtedly, for all it's flaws, the Empire could have hammered out a far less Pyrrhic victory over the Vong. And if Palpatine hadn't underestimated the abilities of both the rebellion he never considered a comparable threat, and one young Jedi, perhaps the galaxy could have avoided the deaths of uncountable sentients during the Yuuzhan Vong war years later.

TL;DR: The Emperor destroyed the Republic and built Death Stars to fight off an extragalactic invasion.

REPOST ADDENDUM: Since I didn't include this the first time around, there is ample evidence to suggest that Palpatine knew the Yuzhaan Vong were preparing an invasion. It's clearly outlined that the Chiss were aware of the Vong (Though perhaps not the threat they posed) at least as early as 27 years before the Battle of Yavin, along with Palpatine, who in Outbound Flight explains his purpose behind destroying the eponymous expedition was to prevent the discovery of an "immensely powerful and hostile alien empire" heavily hinted to be the Vong. So there you have it: Solid proof that Palpatine was aware of the Yuzhaan Vong as well as the threat they posed, 5 years before the Clone Wars even began (22 BBY).

This post has been edited by Aptorius: 13 September 2012 - 09:27 PM

[HoosierDaddy]

Aptorius, on 13 September 2012 - 09:25 PM, said:

Quote

My favorite Star Wars conspiracy is that the Emperor wasn't spending all those resources creating crazy superweapons like the Death Star and the Sun Crusher and putting together gigantic fleets of Star Destroyers wasn't to stop the Rebel Alliance, but rather in preparation of the Yuuzhan Vong Invasion that would happen about a quarter century after RoTJ ended.

Now the Emperor is a pretty smart guy. I mean, he got himself elected to Chancellor of the Republic, started a war, earned himself absolute control on both sides of the war, then managed to turn the galaxy against the guys who for a millennium had served as icons of peacekeeping, justice, and democracy. And that takes some serious strategizing! But here's the thing:

At this point, the Republic was falling apart, with or without a Sith-led Separatist movement to nudge them in the wrong direction. The senate was a clusterfuck where nothing ever got done. Corruption reigned supreme. Even the Jedi Council wasn't doing it's job properly. Ideally, Jedi are supposed to act as bastions of compassion and moderation. The way the Jedi would be tasked to deal with a situation is as a balancing influence between, say, two conflicting nation-states, or a particularly quarrelsome trade agreement. Everyone respected and would listen to a Jedi, and even without acting on behalf of the Republic, they should be able to arrive on a scene and be able to allow discussion and bureaucracy to flourish. Instead, the Jedi Council of the waning days of the Republic had grown inward and conservative, spending all their time meditating on the state of the galaxy and not enough time heading out there and fixing shit. This held throughout the war, when Jedi were surprisingly quick to jump to open combat as opposed to discussion.

In short, the Republic was completely and utterly unprepared for a real invasion, from a force that wasn't being controlled by a puppetmaster who was preventing either side from gaining an advantage until the moment was right. The kinds of fleets that were commonplace in the Empire would have been impossible for the Republic to even agree to create, let alone have the wherewithal to actually build. What Palpatine did was take a failing system and tear it out by the roots, replacing it with a brutally efficient, military-industrial focused society - one that could adequately prepare for an invasion of the scale of the Yuuzhan Vong were already beginning.

Second of all, if you think about it, creating a weapon that can destroy planets doesn't make a whole lot of sense when you're fighting a war against a well funded, but decentralized and scattered rebellion. The Rebel Alliance wasn't fighting a war of planets or borders or resources, they were fighting a war of attrition. What good is the ability to destroy a planet when your enemy doesn't even officially control any? The destruction of Alderaan, the only notable use of the Death Star, was a move made by Grand Moff Tarkin, whose Tarkin Doctrine, though it heavily influenced the way the Empire kept a tight grip on even the furthest systems, was not the ultimate purpose of the "ultimate weapon". Tarkin was convinced that the Death Star was his tool, one of intimidation and despotism, that he could use it to keep the Alliance, the biggest threat to his power, at bay. And we all know how that venture turned out.

No, the real purpose of the Death Star was to be able to fight a force that could completely terraform an entire planet into a gigantic, organic shipyard in a matter of months, and was backed by dozens of 100+ Kilometer across worldships. In fact, without the timely arrival of the seed of the original Yuuzhan Vong homeworld, Zonama Sekot, and a Jedi-influenced heretic cult that spurred a slave uprising, it's very unlikely that the denizens of the galaxy could have survived the war at all under the leadership of the New Republic. In fact, it's not really even fair to say that they "won" the war in any sense, with a sizable portion of the population of the galaxy eradicated, Coruscant, the former shining jewel at the heart of every major government for millennia, captured and terraformed beyond recognition, and the New Republic forced to reconstruct itself as the Galactic Alliance. Undoubtedly, for all it's flaws, the Empire could have hammered out a far less Pyrrhic victory over the Vong. And if Palpatine hadn't underestimated the abilities of both the rebellion he never considered a comparable threat, and one young Jedi, perhaps the galaxy could have avoided the deaths of uncountable sentients during the Yuuzhan Vong war years later.

TL;DR: The Emperor destroyed the Republic and built Death Stars to fight off an extragalactic invasion.

REPOST ADDENDUM: Since I didn't include this the first time around, there is ample evidence to suggest that Palpatine knew the Yuzhaan Vong were preparing an invasion. It's clearly outlined that the Chiss were aware of the Vong (Though perhaps not the threat they posed) at least as early as 27 years before the Battle of Yavin, along with Palpatine, who in Outbound Flight explains his purpose behind destroying the eponymous expedition was to prevent the discovery of an "immensely powerful and hostile alien empire" heavily hinted to be the Vong. So there you have it: Solid proof that Palpatine was aware of the Yuzhaan Vong as well as the threat they posed, 5 years before the Clone Wars even began (22 BBY).

That was a great post on Reddit. Good stuff.

[Adjutant Stormy~]

It's canon. Not much question that the only problem Palpatine had was being just that little bit too evil.

[Aptorian]

Yeah, while it's a cool retcon, going by the original films, the empire was just plain evil. It even says so in that rolling text. They are all black, not grey. I think it is right in line with an evil empire to build planet destroying devices to scare the shit out of unruly governments. Alderan was a warning, not just a test.

[Adjutant Stormy~]

Right, TOO EVIL. Just a little more moderation and the Rebel Alliance would have been a footnote. Keep the Human Supremacist tendencies down, keep the coercion to a minimum, and let some dissent and free speech float about while people reap the trade and standard-of-living benefits of security - and you'd have a Malazan Empire, instead of the Evil Empire.

[Lucifer's Heaven]

Adjutant Stormy, on 14 September 2012 - 10:00 PM, said:

Right, TOO EVIL. Just a little more moderation and the Rebel Alliance would have been a footnote. Keep the Human Supremacist tendencies down, keep the coercion to a minimum, and let some dissent and free speech float about while people reap the trade and standard-of-living benefits of security - and you'd have a Malazan Empire, instead of the Evil Empire.

Except that that's not going to happen. It's ruled by the Sith, who are so comically your typical stupid 2D bad guys. Hell, no two of them can stick together without one trying to kill/rule the other, yet they still insist on getting apprentices. Which is about the most suicidal thing they can do.
My single biggest gripe with the Star Wars universe is the way he made the force a literal litmus test for some arbitrary moral code, one which he then forces everybody follow. And anyone who is evil according to this test has to be ridiculously evil. There is no grey.
Want to have a family? Too bad, you become a traitor to your government and an uncaring child murderer.
Being a little less evil and ruling your empire with an intelligent iron fist, instead trying to be a malevolent, psycho god king who needs virgin sacrifices is basically physically impossible for the Sith of Lucas' universe.
(I am aware that the extended universe is a little different, but only when Lucas is having one of his lazy periods and doesn't properly vet shit)

[Tsundoku]

Lucifer, on 16 September 2012 - 01:22 AM, said:

... but only when Lucas is having one of his lazy periods and doesn't properly vet shit)

What, you mean everything after 1980? Purely by coincidence () this also includes the period when he decided that story had to take a back seat to merchandising and "kiddification".

This post has been edited by Sombra: 16 September 2012 - 05:52 AM