[Juss]

Shiara, on 24 July 2009 - 05:16 AM, said:

A couple of quotes from a little book I bought recently - hilarious

INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE
on the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and
Personal Relationships of the Marriage State for the
Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed Sacrament
and the Glory of God – by Ruth Smythers, beloved
wife of The Reverend L. D. Smythers, Pastor of the
Arcadian Methodist Church of the Eastern Regional
Conference – Published in the year of our Lord 1894
Spiritual Guidance Press New York City

QUOTE "While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured… One cardinal rule of
marriage should never be forgotten: give little, give seldom and, above all, give grudgingly…"

QUOTE While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man. Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage. By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband.

QUOTE ...she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home. One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instil in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings… so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's desire for sexual expression.

Hahaha, and people in those times asked themselves how syphilis reigned supreme.

[Grumble]

Airline Announcements


United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

*************************************


On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '

*************************************


'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

*************************************


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

***************************************


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

*******************************************


After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

*************************************


Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

*************************************


Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

***********************************


'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

***********************************


'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'

******************************************


Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

****************************************


After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

****************************************


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

****************************************


Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

****************************************


A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

[Aptorian]

http://dontevenreply...iew.php?post=93

Quote

Original ad:
ATTENTION: anyone who owns an auto repair shop
i need a fake invoice printed up for a bunch of car work so i can explain to my wife where our $1200 went. if you can print out an invoice with a bunch of repair stuff that would cost around that, please contact me ASAP. From Me to *********@********.org:

Hey, are you still looking to get a fake invoice? I run a repair shop off of 95 in Essington and could easily print something out for you.

Mike

From Dave ******** to Me:

yea dude that would be great. it needs to be for like $1200 but your a mechanic im sure you can think of something that costs that much. essington is kinda out of my way so i just need a good reason for my wife that explains why i was down there, ya hear?

From Me to Dave ********:

Alright, I can print one out in a few minutes and scan it for you. As for your wife, just tell her you were on your way to Chester to buy drugs and your car broke down, so you just had it towed to the nearest shop. Be sure to mention how great our service was.

Mike

From Dave ******** to Me:

yeah great idea genius that would go over real well. im better off coming clean about my bad luck in atlantic city, but that aint happenin neither

From Me to Dave ********:

I don't see why it wouldn't go over well. Lots of people go out of their way to Chester for drugs. I get my coke from Chester all of the time. It is cheap, and good, too.

Anyway, I've attached the invoice I wrote up for you. I forgot to ask the Make/Model/Year of your car, so I just took a guess. If I am wrong, let me know and I can change it.

Mike

Attachment:


From Dave ******** to Me:

if you guessed 98 corolla then id be impressed otherwise could you put that in, and date it for today? thanks a lot for your help dude

From Dave ******** to Me:

wait a minute what the fuck is this shit

From Dave ******** to Me:

$200 to unjam a tape deck are you for real man? that isnt even a real problem
what the fuck is a "transgasket differential" are you serious dude, this shit isnt going to fly. 50 bucks to set the dashboard clock wtf man

like seriously man are you fucking retarded? wtf is this bullshit

From Me to Dave ********:

Yes, I typically charge around $200 to unjam a tape deck. Have you ever tried to do it? It is a pain in the ass. Some people panic and try to rewind their tapes and that just makes it even worse.

I charge $50 to set the dashboard clock, but it is well worth every penny. It is the most accurate time reading you will ever have. I sync it down to the millisecond with the official NIST time, and I have it verified by a certified time expert.

You've got me there on the transgasket differential. I just make that up and charge $400 for it and people usually pay it without much argument. Especially women, which brings me to my next point.

Women tend to know nothing about cars, so your wife will probably just look at the document and get confused by all that fancy car lingo. All women need to see is the money amount, which I have made very clear at the bottom of the invoice.

Mike

From Dave ******** to Me:

cmon man quit dicking me around and put some real shit on there. i dont know what kind of bullshit shop you are running over there, but neither me or my wife would believe this thing

and fix the car info. out of all the guesses you could have made you guessed that i drive a fucking delorean? for real dude?

From Me to Dave ********:

Sorry, you just struck me as the kind of guy who would have a DeLorean.

If you really think your wife isn't going to fall for that, I'll give you a more realistic looking document. Here is a realistic bank statement you can use to show your wife where your money went.

Mike

Attachment:


From Dave ******** to Me:

wow thats great buddy thanks for nothing you fucking retard
hey why dont you go fuck yourself in the ass with your transgasket differential. what a douchebag

[Aptorian]

From the wiki article on a Scottish surgeon named Robert Liston.

http://en.wikipedia....st_famous_cases

Quote

Liston's most famous cases
Richard Gordon describes Liston's four most famous cases in his 1983 book, as below.

Fourth most famous case: "Removal in 4 minutes of a 45-pound scrotal tumour, whose owner had to carry it round in a wheelbarrow".

Third most famous case:

Argument with his house-surgeon. Was the red, pulsating tumour in a small boy's neck a straightforward abscess of the skin? Or a dangerous aneurism of the carotid artery? 'Pooh!' Liston exclaimed impatiently. 'Whoever heard of an aneurism in one so young? Flashing a knife from his waistcoat pocket, he lanced it. Houseman's note - 'Out leaped arterial blood, and the boy fell.' The patient died but the artery lives, in University College Hospital pathology museum, specimen No. 1256.

Second most famous case: "Amputated the leg in 2 1/2 minutes, but in his enthusiasm the patient's testicles as well"

Liston's most famous case:

Amputated the leg in under 2 1/2 minutes (the patient died afterwards in the ward from hospital gangrene, they usually did in those pre-Listerian days). He amputated in addition the fingers of his young assistant (who died afterwards in the ward from hospital gangrene, they usually did in those pre-Listerian days). He also slashed through the coat tails of a distinguished surgical spectator, who was so terrified that the knife had pierced his vitals he dropped dead from fright. That was the only operation in history with a 300 percent mortality rate.

This post has been edited by Aptorian: 17 July 2010 - 07:41 AM

[worry]

“I believe that people can be taught to hate, and I know that people can be taught to spell, but apparently it’s one or the other.” - Caprice Crane

[Beezulbubba]

"I finally put some water on my face, and I'm like, '[Gasp] We've got grenades, man!" - Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino

[Beezulbubba]

"If a Butterfinger doesn't list butter as an ingredient, then is it all just finger?" - Stephen Colbert

[Aptorian]

Breakfast commercials should all be this awesome:

http://en.wikipedia....oldid=353798461

Quote

Many of the Keebler commercials were narrated by the announcer [[Danny Dark]].

Keebler Elves are a special race of elves that live primarily in New Scotland among the trees in the area around Rob Schneider memorial Highway. They are nomadic creatures who feed primarily off the souls of small rodents and bumble bees. They are often implicated in the disappearance of the tooth fairy. They are considered a parasitic species as they build their homes by burrowing under peoples lawns and sucking the moisture from the ground with their elf pipelines. Weedwhackers are common for the de-elfing process of a typical front yard. Recently Keebler elves have been sighted in the fields of Ireland, some biologists suggest that this is a declaration of war against the Lucky Charms company, while others state that it is simply a new migration pattern for a certain breed of keebler elf.

[Aptorian]

http://twitter.com/a...tus/21165825058

Quote

Because of their track record of killing Americans, I can't support the construction of a Ground Zero McDonald's.

[SpectreofEschaton]

Quote

From: iluvelves@valinor.ul.
To: gorthaurthecruel@angband.me
Subject: Itinerary

Have taken slight detour through Avathar after slight misunderstanding with Tulkas. Says I lied to Fëanor about him and elf believed me. Obviously not case. Fëanor never believes anything I say. This may delay my arrival for a few centuries. Am looking up old friend while Tulkas settles down.

Melkor

From: arisinginmight@angband.me
To: gorthaurthecruel@angband.me
Cc: gothmog@angband.me
Subject: Help

Am being attacked by giant spider. Can not find bug spray. Please send detachment of balrogs with bug spray and flyswatters.

Melkor

P.S. Changed e-mail address. Former one too sissy. New one is arisinginmight@angband.me

From: morgoththeblack@angband.me
To: gorthaurthecruel@angband.me
Cc: gothmog@angband.me; commanderoforqui@angband.me; uglywargstablemaster@angband.me
Subject: Information

Please forward to all your troops.

1. Whoever sent Fëanor my e-mail address is warg chow. Whoever reports him gets to feed him to the wargs and a promotion.

2. Whoever taught Fëanor the language he used in recent e-mail also gets promotion. Extra bonus and a free warg if he can send me more of the same. I thought I knew every curse in Elvish, Ainurish and Gibberish until I read that one.

3. Please send a reconnaissance task force to Losgar. If Ulmo's smoking, take a few candid shots and post some 'no smoking' signs. If it's Fëanor, round up a few hundred thousand orcs and tell him to go back to Valinor. Be polite but firm.

4. New e-mail address is morgoththeblack@angband.me. This is not to be given to Fëanor. Or his friends. Or his family. Or his acquaintances. If they claim to be his enemies, make sure they're telling the truth.

Morgoth (formerly Melkor)

P.S. (Do not forward) How do you like my new name, Gorthaur? I think "Morgoth" has a nice ring to it.

From: gorthaurthecruel@angband.me
To: iluvelves@valinor.ulSubject:
Re: Itinerary

Enjoy visit with old friend. Return soon - Angband isn't same w/o you. Hope Tulkas settles down soon. Most annoying fellow, laughs too much.
No one to torture or kill but orcs. Am bored.

Gorthaur

P.S. May I kill Gothmog? Stupid balrog gets on nerves. Thinks deep, dark caves are nice. Deep, dark caves boring, not nice.

From: gorthaurthecruel@angband.me
To: arisinginmight@angband.me
Subject: Re: Help

Will send balrogs with pleasure. Should be put to use. Fighting giant spider good use, especially if spider is poisonous. Will mission be fatal? If yes, may I come watch?

Gorthaur

From: sauronthefoul@angband.me
To: morgoththeblack@angband.me
Subject: Re: Information

1. Fëanor's email: Intelligence reports that stupid orc named Tim forwarded stupid e-mail about flowers and butterflies to everyone on mailing list. Sent e-mail to you and Fëanor at same time. Did not use space for "undisclosed recipients". Has been dealt with appropriately.

2. Fëanor's language: Am guilty. Snuck into Taniquetil one day, got Manwë drunk, and listened to result when he realized who I was. Fëanor overheard. Do not know what he said in e-mail; may have not used everything he learned. I might have more.

3. Smoke @ Losgar: Sent task force to Losgar. Smoke caused by Fëanor burning ships. Reason unknown; perfectly good ships, the weather wasn't cold, and no marshmallows to toast (Maedhros seems to have left them with Fingon as parting gift). Asked Fëanor to return to Valinor, but he wanted to argue. Orcs hate arguing; all decided to go home when argument turned ugly. Suggest that balrogs be sent to argue; they like debate. I won't complain if debate proves fatal.

4. New name: Love it. Changing name good idea. Am changing mine to Sauron. Will not let orcs use it, though; may promote disrespect in the ranks. Set up new e-mail account; old one will be used for communication with the rank-and-file. New one is sauronthefoul@angband.me.

Sauron (formerly Gorthaur)

[Aptorian]

Owh. I can feel the burn all across the internet:

Quote

On a flight home today there was an exceptionally nice and helpful Hawaiian flight attendant making sure that the aisles of the plane remained clear so that boarding didn't come to a complete stop. All this while two young men of some sort of dark ethnicity (maybe 19-23 years of age) were making an exaggerated effort of standing in the aisle playing elbow jockey for overhead space and unpacking/repacking their bags for every reason known to man - snacks, get the iPad out, put the iPad up, get the phone out, put the phone up, put away flight intinerary, take it back out etc...

The extremely nice and courteous flight attendant made mention that they were, in fact, preventing other passengers from boarding the aircraft because of their desire to stand in the aisles for seemingly no reason and asked them to take their seats while boarding continued.

At this request the two young men sat down and began mocking the flight attendant by calling after him a slew of irrational insults including "Faggot!"

As soon as the flight attendant heard them he turned around obviously pissed off and said "What did you call me?!?!"

Without hesitation one of the young men (rather loudly) enunciated the word "FAGGOT" again, upon which the Hawaiian flight attendant said "Oh, okay - I thought you called me a nigger." and walked off...

Payday.

[Aptorian]

Quote

"I was working from home one day, dialed in to a team teleconference. The Roomba woke up for its scheduled cleaning pass, and started noisily trundling around the living room. I was in the middle of giving my status update when I simultaneously noticed (1) the Roomba was leaving weird muddy-look ing tire tracks (2) my cat had barfed several times around the room and (3) the Roomba was headed straight for one of the larger juicier piles. Randomized exploration algorithm my ass - that perfect trajectory was nothing bu t pure robotic spite.

Time seemed to slow to a crawl as I lept across the room. I got to the Roomba with my hand outstretched just as it enthusiastically ran down the barf. In slow-motion horror, I watched as the overwhelmed vacuum consumed what could be consumed and its brushes sprayed the rest in every direction. I snatched the Roomba off the ground, using the removable bin as an ill-considered handgrip, my thumb right on the "detach" button.

The arc of my energetic lift resulted in a dramatic stage separation about hip-level. The main body of the Roomba shot off at tangent towards the couch, trailed by an explosion of partially digested cat food and barf- coated dust bunnies. It went everywhere. Everywhere. I stared at mess in shock, shaken back to reality by a muffled "Beep-boop" coming from the eviscerated machine on the couch. The Roomba sounded vaguely accusatory as it declared mission failure. Nothing lets you know that you've arrived in the future (and the future is very weird) like signing off early from a global teleconference with the phrase "I need to go clean up after the robot."

[Beezulbubba]

"Two guys having sex with a girl is not for me, that's a perineum away from kissing dicks" - Roman DeBeers (Party Down)

[Beezulbubba]

"We must view with profound respect the infinite capacity of the human mind to resist the introduction of useful knowledge" - Thomas R. Lounsbury

This post has been edited by Beezulbubba: 16 September 2010 - 04:10 PM

[Gothos]

Most of you probably know this, but I wanted to share:

Quote

A bit of pseudo-Shakespearean silliness, originally by ceruleanst:

ACT I SCENE 2. A road, morning. Enter a carriage, with JULES and VINCENT, murderers.

J: And know’st thou what the French name cottage pie?
V: Say they not cottage pie, in their own tongue?
J: But nay, their tongues, for speech and taste alike
Are strange to ours, with their own history:
Gaul knoweth not a cottage from a house.
V: What say they then, pray?
J: Hachis Parmentier.
V: Hachis Parmentier! What name they cream?
J: Cream is but cream, only they say le crème.
V: What do they name black pudding?
J: I know not;
I visited no inn it could be bought.

J: My pardon; did I break thy concentration?
Continue! Ah, but now thy tongue is still.
Allow me then to offer a response.
Describe Marsellus Wallace to me, pray.
B: What?
J: What country dost thou hail from?
B: What?
J: How passing strange, for I have traveled far,
And never have I heard tell of this What.
What language speak they in the land of What?
B: What?
J: The Queen’s own English, base knave, dost thou speak it?
B: Aye!
J: Then hearken to my words and answer them!
Describe to me Marsellus Wallace!
B: What?
JULES presses his knife to BRETT’s throat
J: Speak ‘What’ again! Thou cur, cry ‘What’ again!
I dare thee utter ‘What’ again but once!
I dare thee twice and spit upon thy name!
Now, paint for me a portraiture in words,
If thou hast any in thy head but ‘What’,
Of Marsellus Wallace!
B: He is dark.
J: Aye, and what more?
B: His head is shaven bald.
J: Has he the semblance of a harlot?
B: What?
JULES strikes and BRETT cries out
J: Has he the semblance of a harlot?
B: Nay!
J: Then why didst thou attempt to bed him thus?
B: I did not!
J: Aye, thou didst! O, aye, thou didst!
Thou hoped to rape him like a chattel whore,
And sooth, Lord Wallace is displeased to bed
With anyone but she to whom he wed.

[Sinisdar Toste]

is there a complete translation of the movie somewhere?

this type of thing is too fun. like when RLY posted that version of the big lebowski translated into shakespearean. great read.

[Aptorian]

Quote

Let me explain it: eating at Taco Bell is an experience that can't be recreated at any other restaurant.

You go in and you're excited because all the goopy sauce crap they have back in the kitchen in plastic bottles that mount into little metal squirt guns smells so good. And you get overwhelmed by the incredible amount of variety that the menu seems to offer, even though you know damn well that they've got a total of about eight ingredients and five different sauce squirt guns and the number of menu items is just a result of some inevitable combinatorics.

So you pick whatever menu items you like best, and you really believe that you've made the best choices, and all other choices are inferior, even though you know damn well that everybody else with you is getting the same Grade F ground beef and the same tomatoes that the FDA is going to recall in a few days, just prepared in a marginally different way and branded with a different Spanish noun. And you sure as shit order yourself a Mountain Dew Baja Blast because you can't get that shit anywhere but Taco Bell and you're not going to miss this fucking chance.

And then you're hovering around the counter with your drink filled up waiting for them to call your number because you think that it's a fast food place, right, they have to be making your food quickly enough that it would be a waste of time to even bother sitting down because your food is about to be ready, only it's not, and it takes like ten minutes, and you're all just standing there surrounded by like six other strangers who also believe that surely they're making my food right now and all these other poor saps should be sitting down waiting patiently for their numbers to be called after they call mine in just a second and just when you decide you're going to sit down and settle in and wait for your number they finally call it and you look like a total dipshit because you just sat down ten seconds ago after standing there for ten minutes and here you are getting up again.

But it doesn't matter, because your low-quality ingredients are assembled in little wrappers identifying themselves as distinct, precious and unique creations and they're finally in front of you on a tray. And you spare a brief moment to laugh at the little captions on the Fire sauce packages as you personalize your meal with the same Fire sauce that everybody is using to personalize their meals. And then you dig in, and it tastes unbelievably good even though you know it's not worth even half the money you paid for it, and you're in heaven, and then three minutes later it's all gone.

And you're left with two-thirds of your obscenely oversized Baja Blast, and you don't want to waste it, so you and everybody else heads out to the car slurping on down a week's worth of soda and it's all gone by the time you pull out of the parking lot and there's a bunch of empty plastic soda cups littering the floor of the car.

And you're coming down off the high, and you know it's only a matter of minutes before the low-level diabetic shock kicks in and everybody starts feeling gross and jittery, and that the horrible farting will come soon after, and the bowel-rending shits will come soon after that, and pretty soon everyone in the car will be silently praying for the car trip to just end so they each can ride it out in solitude. But for now, for these brief moments, you're on top of the world.

That's Taco Bell.

[Thelomen Toblerone]

I wish we had Taco Bell in this country.

[Coco with marshmallows]

Thelomen Toblerone, on 25 September 2010 - 02:40 PM, said:

I wish we had Taco Bell in this country.

Ahem.

granted it's only Lakeside, but it's a start.

[Beezulbubba]

May I suggest two crunchy tacos and two spicy bean burritos (AKA bean burritos with green sauce). Go with the "Fire Sauce" as the condiment option and wash it all down with a Frutista Freeze (flavor of your liking)....... A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! And it will fuel the rest of your day like no other (with a minor bathroom break about an hour 1/2 later to evacuate your bowels).