[Tiste Simeon]

That last line "It Ruins the Fantasy" cracked me up! Much rep.

[Aptorian]

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Another thought to disturb slumber: For an octopus to imprison a human, all it would need is a gate with 3 doorknobs.

[Jusentantaka]

Aptorian, on 12 April 2010 - 08:37 AM, said:

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Another thought to disturb slumber: For an octopus to imprison a human, all it would need is a gate with 3 doorknobs.

And yet again, woman displays herself to be the superior species, by using her mouth to escape from the octopussae.

[Tiste Simeon]

How would...? Actually I don't want to know...

[MTS]

Jusentantaka, on 12 April 2010 - 03:24 PM, said:

Aptorian, on 12 April 2010 - 08:37 AM, said:

Quote

Another thought to disturb slumber: For an octopus to imprison a human, all it would need is a gate with 3 doorknobs.

And yet again, woman displays herself to be the superior species, by using her mouth to escape from the octopussae.

All us cunning linguists laugh in the face of your sexism.

[Jusentantaka]

MTS, on 12 April 2010 - 06:49 PM, said:

Jusentantaka, on 12 April 2010 - 03:24 PM, said:

Aptorian, on 12 April 2010 - 08:37 AM, said:

Quote

Another thought to disturb slumber: For an octopus to imprison a human, all it would need is a gate with 3 doorknobs.

And yet again, woman displays herself to be the superior species, by using her mouth to escape from the octopussae.

All us cunning linguists laugh in the face of your sexism.

Licking it isn't getting you out. Well, unless the doorknobs are made of candy. Wait...




Willy Wonka's BDSM dungeon!

This post has been edited by Jusentantaka: 12 April 2010 - 07:21 PM

[MTS]

Oh, there's more than licking involved, Juicytaco. There's, uh, suction too. so to you I say - ha.

[Jusentantaka]

Oh, I know, I do soooo lovingly know.

Well then, if you'd suck on the doorknob to turn it, I guess the octopussae will just have to put a door with FOUR doorknobs on it to keep the men in, and five for the ladies.

[MTS]

Then I'd just kick down the door. Checkmate, gin and yahtzee, my friend.

[Adjutant Stormy~]

The shortest route between two points: Brute Force.

[Gothos]

Jusentantaka, on 12 April 2010 - 07:20 PM, said:

Licking it isn't getting you out. Well, unless the doorknobs are made of candy. Wait...

I read that as "LichKing". I need professional help.

[Ain't_It_Just_]

Maybe we could crawl under the door?

[MTS]

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Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

[Tiste Simeon]

However theologically unsound that may be, it was brilliant.

[Adjutant Stormy~]

That was also edited from the original. The original had a distinct failure in tapping that ass for science.

[Aptorian]

From Craigslist:

http://www.craigslis.../182862349.html

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DO NOT EAT PRINGLES FAT FREE POTATO CHIPS. THEY WILL GREASE YOUR ASS.
Date: 2006-07-17, 2:10AM PDT

Don't even fucking say a word. I like potato chips, and can't eat them very much or I'll get fat.

I tried out these Pringles Fat-Free chips because they were super low-cal. BBQ flavor. the fuck.

The can said they had 70 calories per serving, which meant the whole can had 490 calories inside total. I could munch through a can in a day with my lunch, dinner, etc. So I got several cans, and began enjoying one a day for the past four days. But what they dont fucking tell you...

Except in tiny print you cant read without a fucking electron microscope

...is that the primary ingredient is something called "olean" which I have since learned is Latin for "Unwashable & Indestructible Ass Grease."

Oh Yeah. I'm not even kidding.

So today, while I'm standing in the living room debating whether or not Laundry or Dishes will get done first, I get the urge to fart. I live alone, so sweet. I let the honk loose and its wrong. Something just sounded wrong. I know my own wind, and I have never farted a sound that sounded like a fart wrapped in a pillow.

Oh yes, something was very wrong. I had just shat myself. But this evil olean makes shitting yourself sound almost like a regular fart, and had I not been particularly attentive, it could easily have gone unnoticed, I'm telling you. THAT's how utterly covert and evil this olean stuff is. What the fuck?! What if I'd gone out to hang with friends or gone for a drive, what then?

So I walk carefully to the bathroom and disrobe. before I even sit on the toilet, I wad paper and carefully wipe from the front. Sure enough, it was light brown, and had the texture of soft spackle. You fucking Pringle bastards.

I sat down and pushed a bit, and lo, out came a jet that I didnt even feel an urge for one minute earlier. It piled in the bowl like brown marshmallow fluff.

The problem rose when I tried to wipe. I went through a whole fucking roll of TP and could not get it all off me. So.

I jumped in the shower. Yep, its gross, but it had to be done. There I stood, water pouring down, cheeks spread, and using my own hand to make certain I'm clean.

That was when I discovered that after using my hand to wipe myself (before I soaped the area) my hand came back covered in some sort of transparent grease. It was so fucking foul. The grease made water bead off my hand. It was tacky too, and very difficult to manage.

So I grabbed the bar of saop and went to work.

You fucking Pringle bastards.

The bar of soap came away coated in grease as well, and would no longer wash. I had to turn the water to hot and massage the soap for five minutes to get it to the point where I could use it again. It took me an hour to get the fucking grease off my pucker. I shudder to think of what its doing INSIDE ME right now, but I will damned sure never eat that shit again.

Fucking Pringle bastards.

This is where the joke about "anal leakage" came from. its real. Fuck Pringles.

This post has been edited by Aptorian: 19 April 2010 - 05:54 AM

[Aptorian]

http://garyharan.com...re-in-life.html

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The Ultimate Guide To Getting Nowhere In Life
The best way to never getting anything done is to limit your finances and your options in such a way that you are a slave to the situation you put yourself in.


1) Get an easy 9 to 5 job
First ensure that overtime is not paid and there are no stock options. It’s best if you learn absolutely nothing new at all at this job or if learning something is part of your job it’s best if it is non-transferable skills. This will ensure that no other employers see any value in your experience.


2) Live from pay cheque to pay cheque
If you lived a little below your means you could afford to put some money aside. That’s dangerous because it can lead to ideas and goals beyond the ones you accomplished already. Invest instead in lottery tickets because when you win you’ll be able to pay off your credit cards easily.


3) Don’t Have any “Hell-Yeah Money”
Hell-yeah money is a financial cushion that saves you from borrowing at the bank when your car breaks down. It’s 3-6 months of living expenses in an accessible high interest rate account.

It’s best if you do not strive to get such a fund for yourself. If you want a big screen TV and it happens to have 500$ pricing error at your favourite store you should instead pay for it with your credit card and pay it off for the next 12 years. That way you’ll feel really connected to your TV.


4) Live Vicariously From Your Couch
That’s what TV was created for. Consume TV shows about people doing the things you want to be doing. Reading takes too long anyways. The best thing about vicarious living from your couch is that you don’t really have to learn anything for real! You just get the benefit of seeing the best parts!

If you do the opposite of this guide you are in grave danger of having options. Options to leave your job for one you don’t hate. Options to start your business. Options to take a vacation right after getting laid off. Options to reach out and grab your passion by the horns.

[Adjutant Stormy~]

<runs screaming from the room>

[Gothos]

I kinda fit into the first 3 points... but not fully.
All in all, frightening to read.

[Tiste Simeon]

That could describe a majority of this country... Leeching gits!

Anyways, this:
Our dog can find anything. It's a Labragoogle.