[masan's saddle]

Michael Jackson was dissapointed when Steven Gately came to heaven today,

He thought they said someone from Boys home was coming.


Bdum tshhh.

[Tiste Simeon]

 Happy Cat, on 05 October 2009 - 05:58 AM, said:

If I won the mega millions lottery I would buy a 1 minute commercial on the Super Bowl showing me counting all of my money with a list of all the people I don't like scrolling across the screen.

Yes.

[Slow Ben]

To be fair, this jokes best told with your arm around the person your telling it to.


Whats the difference between a Porsche and a boner?
































I dont have a Porsche.

[Stradivarius]

whats got 2 legs and bleeds a lot?

a dog cut in half!

[Macros]

There an Irish man rowing his boat through a hayfield.
Another Irish man is walking down the road, seeing this becomes enraged
"you stupid bastard, you stupid ignorant pig thick bastard!
Its MORONS like you that give us Irish a bad name.
Why, if I could swim I'd come out there and beat the shit out of you"

[Stradivarius]

how do u make a cat go woof?!


Half a pint of petrol and a match!!!!!

[Happy Cat]

Don't get texting. People walking around texting messages to each other, writing what amounts to a small novel on a key board the size of a saltine cracker. And what are they doing this on? A phone.

Text message you hate to get. Phone me.


Having a baby is like getting a DUI ticket from the universe.

[bubba]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________________
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It
warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I
suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the
fight started...
________________________________________
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have $ex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said,
'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the
fight started...
________________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first… 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said,
'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order
for herself.'

And that's when the
fight started...
________________________________________
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight
started...
________________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale..

And then the fight started…
________________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?' 'Yes,' she sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober
since.' 'My God!' I said, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
________________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning.... So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He
stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which
one are you?
'And then the fight started...

[Happy Cat]

If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work.

I-Hop.

Gives new meaning to tipping are waitress.

My new girlfriend is so materialistic. She is always saying "Take me out someplace and spend alot of money."
So I took her to a strip club.


Not on par with Bubba's but I felt I had to give something back.

[frookenhauer]

Who says romance is dead?

Damnit...all my jokes are far too dirty for this fun family-friendly joint. Hmmm...

Why did my wife cross the road?

because she-hold on, whats she doing outside the house?

[Salt-Man Z]

 Happy Cat, on 05 November 2009 - 08:08 AM, said:

If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work.

I-Hop.

I'd like to see the girls with big boobs working at "I-Hop". Guys, amirite?

[Salt-Man Z]

A couple of my old favorites from this site:

Quote

It was a mystery fit only for the great Sherlock Holmes, himself. The day after every full moon, members of a Japanese fraternity would be found dead in the hall on the fourth floor. The victims were crushed and there were signs of skid marks and tire tracks on the floor. Holmes was called into the case. It quickly became apparent that the only student that was not frightened was a young man named Nagawa who quickly became the object of Holmes's suspicion.

The evening of the next full moon, while peering through the keyhole of Nagawa's room, they saw that the student was no longer there, and in his place was a Japanese compact car!!!

The next morning Holmes confronted Nagawa. "When the moon is full, you become an automobile, and you run over your fellow students on the fourth floor."

"But how did you know that?", gasped Nagawa.

Holmes replied, "Elementary, my were-Datsun!!!"

Quote

Earthen dams still exist in many parts of the country -- around the world, in fact. Funny thing about them, however... With ready access to a usually reliable supply of water, those dams with steady resevoir levels and good soil produce a thick, rich carpet of grass on them. This lush covering often grows so quickly that it begins to seem impossible to maintain a neatly-trimmed appearance. Folks have been know to comment that it is just proof that you can't keep a good dam mown.

[Happy Cat]

Krispy Kream Donuts; something we Americans do well, have announced they are expanding into Thailand.

And today Thailand has announced they are expanding into China.



Edit: Good site Salt-man. Groan

Man losses both feet. He is looking foreward to the next step.

This post has been edited by Happy Cat: 18 November 2009 - 05:44 AM

[Happy Cat]

When I am angry with the cat, I sneak up behind him and bark like a dog.

That is how I got the scar.

[Gothos]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. "What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I ' ll be right back."
"That ' s better, but it ' s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."
"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: ' Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner. ' "
The teacher fainted.

[Macros]

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."

It comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

[Tiste Simeon]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
'So,Murphy, how was your day?'


Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol. '

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' Says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?'
Asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes!'

[lobo the wolfman]

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his willy.
A woman comes up and asks him "what are you dressed up as?"
He says "I'm a fireman"
"But your only wearing a glass jar" she points out
"Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can"

[Bent]

This is class-less, but my wife thought it funny when I told her, so it isn't too bad...

"My wife told me she wanted me to make love to her like they did in the movies....

So I came on her face....

She didn't like it....I dont think we watch the same movies...."


And

Q: What do you get, when you mix a prostitute with a genius?

A: A fucking know it all!

Thank you and good night!

This post has been edited by Bent: 20 February 2010 - 02:04 AM

[RACHEL]

They came out with a new stamp shaped like a pussy. They had to discontinue it because only 10% of men knew how to lick it.


A drunk guy pukes on himself at the bar. He says to his buddy "shit i told my wife I wouldn't get all drunk". His buddy says "put a $20 in your pocket and tell her a guy puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning". The guy goes home and his wife is pissed. He pulls out $40 and tells her his story and she says ok but what is the other $20 for. He replies oh yeah some guy shit in my pants too.