[Sixty]

I'm probably going to limit this to a few chapters sent via email. PM me your email if you're interested in taking a look.

This is mainly a thread for any comments/critique; they're greatly appreciated.

=D

Edit:

I've whipped up a quick blurb; might be a little melodramatic but:

me said:

The Debellan Empire wallows in a mire of shattered disarray. Constant war plagues its every border. Among the Mondorish to the south, Stephen Connault has been elevated from mediocrity to messianic dictator, commanding an oligarchy that has seized the aristocracy's power for its spiritual elite.
But few beneath Connault's heel find his rule comfortable, and sundry forces conspire to eliminate his oppression. Emperor Elrik Debell's army marches for its eastern border, hell-bent on annihilating the threat to unity. A prophet approaches apostasy, and an exile seeks his purpose. An assassin finds his conscience, and the centuries-old organization dogging his heels brings plots to a junction.
When a thwarted assassination begets a killer's betrayal, circumstances cascade. For within the hypocrite's haven, a civilization's cataclysm looms. And for its few survivors, the passage shall not be kind.

This post has been edited by Sixty: 19 June 2009 - 06:43 PM

[Yellow]

I'll be reading yours when I get back from work today Same with Gamet's.

[Yellow]

Ok, just finished reading your prologue. Seems interesting--there's definitely enough to make me want to read on.

Your sense of balance within a paragraph/scene is pretty much spot on, I think. Nothing goes on too long, and you have a knack for the catchy lines, e.g.

Quote

Yet a prince sought refuge in the night.

The dialogue is also pretty good. Most of it feels real, which I think should be the main target when writing dialogue. Particular favourites were,

Quote

“I’ve always believed the world follows a certain sense of…equality. Or is it irony? My education, in some ways, was never very good, Derrick Schwann. Vulgar, in a way.”

and

Quote

“It’d be quite a profound accomplishment to bury it any further than I found it, sir."

One thing I think you should look out for with the dialogue, though: you are a big fan of the exclamation mark It makes your characters sound surprised a lot.

So, in general this is a good read, but there are two points that stuck out at me while I was reading it. The first is that the second scene in this prologue did not feel like a prologue, if you get my drift. Especially since it was completely disconnected to the first scene, it felt like it should have been chapter one instead. It feels like the beginning of the story. Obviously, I don't know what the rest of the story is, so I just have a small snippet to base that opinion on. The first scene does feel like a prologue scene, and the Raat snagged my interest... but I am a little unsure of the significance of it. Maybe that would become obvious later on?

The other point is that you tend to use what I call flowery prose (or purple prose, or whatever). I noticed a definite tendency to use a lot of modifiers where a simpler statement would do just the job, and keep the pace flowing faster. There were a couple of points where I wasn't particularly sure what you were trying to say, or at least not until I'd read it a couple of times, which kind of halts the experience.

A couple of examples:

Quote

That gloom seeped into adjacent passages, deepening past the mere absence of light.

So I understand what you're trying to say here (I think!), but the second part of the sentence feels a little like it's trying too hard. Can gloom deepen past an absence?

Quote

Only a single guard was stationed, half asleep in disdain-inspiring negligence. It would be effortless.

I feel this is a little too heavy-handed. Imo, the simpler option would be preferable here. ‘There was only one guard, and he was already half asleep. It would be effortless.’

But anyway. Overall I thought it's well done, so hopefully some others will have a read as well and post comments. Send me another chapter if you want, I'd be interested to see what comes next

If you don't mind telling me, where does this story go? What's it about, what type of fantasy would you describe it as? If you have one of those back-of-the-book blurbs written for it, I'd like to read it.

[Bauchelain the Evil]

Okay I've read it and since I liked it and my knowledge of English isn't so high as to catch grammatical errors other than the most obvious I'll be short.
I had read the first draft of the prologue you posted here sometime ago and I noticed the differences. I'm happy you modified the honor part and now it's much more credible than the character thinking "I'm the most honorable of men". You also explicitly said that Styr was the assassin. In the first draft you left the identity uknown and while the obvious candidate was Styr it stil left open some other posibilities with which you could surprise the reader. With this I'm not saying that the final way didn't work
There was something that puzzled me in the first part of the prologue. When Marcus takes care of the guard he says " The first test of Raat". But didn't he already use Raat to eavesdropp and besides I can't believe that he had never used Raat before that night.
That's all I've got to say. Good work and I'll be happy if you send me the next chapter.

This post has been edited by Bauchelain the Evil: 19 June 2009 - 02:30 PM

[Sixty]

Thanks for the compliments.

I'll keep the flowery thing in mind; I've been trying to work on it. Happens more with scene-setting than actual scenes, but I'll do what I can to work onit.

@Bauchelain: I think I'll revise it to "first true test" as opposed to just the "first test". That is, it's the first time he's used it to really influence someone else.

@Yellow: It's epic fantasy. The "hook" or whatnot is:

me said:

A thwarted assassination begets as killer's betrayal, unleashing cascading plots and counterplots as the seceded Enlightened vies for supremacy with its former empire.

I'm still working on a blurb. Derrick's pov in the prologue is mainly to hint at the motivation/situation Syr finds himself in.


I'll scan through the first chapter and let you guys take a look.

[Slum]

I'd like to read it, Sixty. I can tell you already that I'm not a fan of the name Derrick Schwann. Also, when do you ever address someone by his/her full name in conversation?

[Yellow]

All the time, Slumgullion Spasfdafd blarg couldn't be arsed

[Slum]

Ah, eloquently put, Yellow Stainpants.

[Yellow]

The yellow is for flavour.

[MTS]

First of all, I have to say: I loved it. It certainly has that epic fantasy feel, and you've really intrigued me about the Raat and this 'fellowship of society's masters'. Looking forward to more chapters.

I'd have to agree with Yellow about the second half of the prologue - it feels like the start of the story, but as I've only read the prologue I can't make a judgment on that. The first half was great, and really served to pull people into the story and the world, which is what the prologue should do.

A couple of minor fluidity issues:

Quote

Ecstasy, dancing with euphoria, rushed through.

That read wrong when I was going through it the first time. I felt it should've been switched around, instead being 'Ecstasy rushed through, dancing with euphoria'. I feel it's more fluid, as the sentence is already short, why stop in the middle?

Quote

Syr Treidin remained the same despicable, morals-starved bastard

Maybe I'm just being a pedantic bear, but 'morals-starved' should be 'morally-starved'. It reads better and is more grammatically correct.

I agree with Yellow about the purple prose - you do love a good metaphor. It sometimes seems a little excessive, but I feel generally it is constrained enough as not adversely affect the story. I liked the 'deepening past the mere absence of light' line though. It really emphasises the darkness, and the next line is just awesome. You really know how to turn a phrase.

Other than a few grammatical errors, like starting some sentences with 'And' and using 'its' instead of 'it's' it's a really great read, and a great start to a story. Looking forward to the first chapter

This post has been edited by Mappo's Travelling Sack: 19 June 2009 - 04:09 PM

[Fist Gamet]

I have read it and will put some thoughts together. Just about to go onto a monster series of nightshifts to it might be next week.

[Sixty]

Thanks Mappo.

Lemme know where I screwed up with its/it's. =/ I recall it as its = possessive and it's = contraction for it is, but I might be wrong.

Oh, and I read it's grammatically acceptable to begin with And or But now, and it works well for dramatization.

@Slumgillion, go ahead and pm me your email. I've sent out the prologue and chapter one to those who've PMed me; I think I'll wait a while to consider opinions before sending out any more.

Thanks again for the critique.

@Gamet: I'm looking forward to hearing what you think.

This post has been edited by Sixty: 19 June 2009 - 04:22 PM

[MTS]

Hmm, I just looked through and I can't find the 'its' thing. Maybe my tired brain was seeing things. It's like 2:30 in the morning so hardly surprising

That's grammatically acceptable now? Good Lord, the complete bastardisation of the English language has begun It's like saying 'Jesus's teachings' is acceptable. I'm probably just being pedantic - my Year 12 English teacher used to hammer me whenever I did it, so I've always been against it.

I'll read the first chapter and post my thoughts tomorrow, as I'm far too tired to be of any use now.

[Yellow]

Whether or not it's a newly-accepted rule (I would never use it in non-fiction, myself), I don't see a problem with starting a sentence with "and" or "whatever" as long as it works.

And that's the truth! <====FAIL

[Slum]

I also see nothing wrong with starting a sentence with 'and' or 'but'. As long as it's fiction, as Yellow said. Don't go trying it in academic writing, though...

[Sixty]

Haha. I never start sentences with but/and in expository writing for school (although I've been tempted to use it sometimes when concluding, say, a persuasive essay ). It certainly works well in fiction IMO.

edit:
I've also updated the OP with my blurb.

edit #2:
Here's the article for reference:
http://editingpublishing.suite101.com/arti...tence_with_and_

This post has been edited by Sixty: 19 June 2009 - 04:43 PM

[Slum]

OK, I read some of it. Now, I'm a mite bit drunk, and I'd rather give you sober advice. So, I'll hold off on the rest.

First impressions:

Quote

Opposition was to be expected—welcomed, in fact, for its culled the plot’s fat.

This makes no sense. I suggest 'it's' - "for it has culled the pork's fat."

Quote

In retrospect, the Emperor’s decision was rash. None had been prepared for a gutting of nobility

I don't really like this. If anything, you should choose a better word than 'gutting.'

Quote

Redin sipped, enjoyed the myriad flavors.

Myriad implies a vast amount. Wine tastes like wine, in my experience. "subtle' flavors maybe. Show he is a connoisseur.

Quote

A poor man’s feast was laid out. Chunks and rolls of bread steamed

Be realistic. When's the time you were served steaming chunks of bread?

Quote

“but there’re some old ones out there neither of us would enjoy.”

I guess there's nothing wrong with this one, but, if I say it out loud, it's awkward. 'But there's' is better than 'but there're.' Just more natural, in my opinion.

[Sixty]

Fair enough. There's is grammatically incorrect, though.

edit: first one is a typo. Second one, well...I'll think about it. The next 2 make sense though.

Thanks.

This post has been edited by Sixty: 19 June 2009 - 06:16 PM

[Slum]

And there're isn't?

[Sixty]

there're -> there are; it's referring to plural objects. Sounds awkward, yeah, but...eh

I think I'll just make it a non-contraction and expand it to there are.

This post has been edited by Sixty: 19 June 2009 - 06:24 PM