[Fist Gamet]

Thanks, Grim, I realised some time ago that I knew precisely nothing about ships or sailing when I planned to write about a ship Captain and his crew. So I did a lot of research in these areas and it seems to have paid off. Actually, I have done a hell of a lot of research in many areas to give my work authenticity and I think it makes a real difference.

I will have a look at the part where the ship stops to meet the nomads as I thought it was clear that Reach was there to meet them in order to unload his cargo. There is one moment when one of the nomads "appears" on deck but this is necessarily surprising. Wonder if it was that bit that threw you?

Anyway, many thanks. I appreciate it.

[Tremolo]

Just read the prologue. Great read! I was so engrossed that at first I couldnt understand that there were no more pages at the end.

[Fist Gamet]

Hey, thanks mate, we don't see you in here often enough.

[Grimjust Bearegular]

Research you say? I might have to look into that:P

It was more that I sometimes forgot that they were on a river and thought they were at sea. Something about a ship they'd battled or something?



Could you send me chapter 2?

[Grand Goombah Graeld]

Just read the prologue. It went down really well, but had a bitter aftertaste of "I won't be able to read the rest for a long, LONG time". Seriously, I enjoyed the hell out of this and will be reading your chapter 3 as well as any others you care to post or e-mail.
I have to agree with Elias' section needing to go into the main body, as well as most of Jarek's. I do think however, that Jarek should have some part in the prologue. Perhaps put his scene with the Brog prior to the fort and make it a little more cryptic, then fort and chick with maybe another scene at the beginning of the first chapter? The only other criticism I could really offer would be in regards to the prose in the two paragraphs beginning "Two days ago, to the north, Jarek awoke in his camp". You got a little too flowery and long winded for me there. Otherwise, the product as a whole has me hooked, I need to know what happens next and I now have yet ANOTHER book to wait for! Thanks!

As a disclaimer, in case someone's already posted any/all of the critiques I just did, I haven't had time to read past the first page of posts yet. You can bet I will, though.

[Fist Gamet]

Why thank you, GGG. Your thoughts have echoed those of a few others and it certainly helps when you have a number of people all saying the same thing. Jarek and Elias have both been removed from the prologue and this has forced me to adapt my plans for the lay out of the book - in a good way. They will both return in their rightful places later. One of the problems with writing a multiple PoV story is the almost overwhelming desire to tell the story all at once. I am dying for the reader to meet all the characters (which, in my head, of course, are brilliant and cool ) but find the trick is to rein myself in all the time and get the pacing and introduction of characters just right. I mean, how many similar books do you read where you don't meet some of the characters for until page 300 or 400? And it doesn't spoil the enjoyment either.
So it is all about pacing.

NB - I am guilty of flowery prose (purple writing) and although I have cut it out (mostly) it does rear its ugly head from time to time.

[Grimjust Bearegular]

I don't mind flowery language (probably because I'm guilty of it myself)



Btw: I really like those little "quotes" at the beginning of the chapters:) Makes me feel like the book is more "real" kind of.

This post has been edited by Grimhilde: 25 September 2009 - 05:36 PM

[Grimjust Bearegular]

Finally finished your second chapter, it was awesome! I love reading your dialogue, it's so believable and it flows so well. Oh, and the ending was very intriguing!

You seem to know as much about armies and such as you do ships. Your time spent researching really pays off:) Giving the different types of soldiers animal names to describe them is a nice touch.

The only thing I didn't like is the name Sabarish, it just sounds more "made-up" than the others...Maybe Sabari would be better?

[Fist Gamet]

Thanks, Grim, I appreciate that. As you know, I really believe that research pays off in lending believability to a story, and I wanted to find a way to easily identify the troop types whilst avoiding the Glen Cook / SE nickname set up to identify personalities. Probably adds a subtle insight into the way these troop types work and saves me having to find a way to explain (messenger/runner/scout types or Meerkats? Light infantry or Lions? - you get the idea)

Sabarish...Sabari...hmmm, again, when I spend time thinking of how peoples are named (Japan = JapanESE, England, Scotland = ISH, American = AN) but I do like the 'I' as an ending as well. In my world I have Onaeli, Kerbasi, Javarni, Dalaseeni and Daryushi, to name but a few so I guess I didn't want to seem a little unimaginative by over-using the 'I' ending. Totally anal, I know and Sabari probably works a bit better as they live in the same region as the Jevarni and Dalaseeni.

[Jusentantaka]

Heh. Sabarish was the name of one of my teaching assistants once upon a time.


I can't think of anything new to add, comments wise, but I likes very much. Do you have any more?

[Fist Gamet]

Hey Jusen, thanks for taking the time to have a read. Would be nice to get just a little more feedback, ya know, good, bad, indifferent, it ALL helps
Tell me what you have read, let me know your email (PM?) and I can post a little more if you are interested.

[Grand Goombah Graeld]

Got hung up reading the rest of the First Law trilogy, then Best Served Cold and The Gathering Storm & forgot to read chapter 3 for awhile. I did read it, though. Without reading 1 & 2, it left me a bit confused. The combination of short chapter plus multiple chapters from each of two different time periods left me feeling kind of.....cheated. I'm pretty sure that when the chapter is placed between 1, 2, 4 & 5, it'll flow better w/o leaving me feeling cheated, though. I like the names so far, concur with the animistic naming of military units being cool. The little sorcery teases leave me wanting more (I love good magic). I'd be happy to read chapters 1 & 2 & offer more feedback if you like. Especially since I'm out of reading material right now.

[Fist Gamet]

Cheated? Grief, I can't have that. PM me your email and I shall send you Chapter one and Two. Hopefully then it will all make sense.

[Grimjust Bearegular]

Fist Gamet, on 18 November 2009 - 06:23 PM, said:

Thanks, Grim, I appreciate that. As you know, I really believe that research pays off in lending believability to a story, and I wanted to find a way to easily identify the troop types whilst avoiding the Glen Cook / SE nickname set up to identify personalities. Probably adds a subtle insight into the way these troop types work and saves me having to find a way to explain (messenger/runner/scout types or Meerkats? Light infantry or Lions? - you get the idea)

Sabarish...Sabari...hmmm, again, when I spend time thinking of how peoples are named (Japan = JapanESE, England, Scotland = ISH, American = AN) but I do like the 'I' as an ending as well. In my world I have Onaeli, Kerbasi, Javarni, Dalaseeni and Daryushi, to name but a few so I guess I didn't want to seem a little unimaginative by over-using the 'I' ending. Totally anal, I know and Sabari probably works a bit better as they live in the same region as the Jevarni and Dalaseeni.

Glad I could be of some service. I think it sounds much better wih an I, but it's probably also wise not to overuse it...hmmm. Sabar, Sabarese, Sabaran, Sabarian...do any of these work?

I'll try to read Chapter 3 soon:)

Did you get my Chapter 2?

[Baudinsballs]

Is this a first draft or 2nd?

[Fist Gamet]

Oh, nobody has posted in here for some time, kinda threw me there. My current WIP is as yet unfinished and I am currently filling in blanks and fleshing it out etc but I have written about 420 pages of this one so far. It is a continuous story up to page 150 or so and this is where I am currently working from. I tend to write three, four or five chapters at a time, moving back and forth as it suits (and to keep me from getting stale during those chapters that seem to take months to finish) At a guess it will come in at around 700 by the end. We'll see.
As for which draft, is not so easy to say as I do have a habit of dipping back into completed chapters and reading and editing to get me back into the zone when I have not been able to write for a while.

How's your work coming along?

[Baudinsballs]

Wish I could do that, editing as I go, but i've sworn off until I finish.

Almost finished the first draft.. I'm about 82'000 words in and currently on chapter 14 and only need to reach 100'000. I can see a bit of editing needing to be done as I wasn't all that clear on wordcount and pages etc. As I believe once formatted, what I've come to write is 377 pages and I've stilll got two storylines to begin, mainly an invasion from an empire and the refugees fleeing them. And another invasion concentrating on an attack on the nobility.
I don't forsee much editing or rewriting to do in the first half, perhaps just getting character descriptions in earlier.
Already started on Book 2

[Ain't_It_Just_]

Oh dear...your prologue looks so very much like mine. The starting verse and the place/date header...don't think that I plagiarised it if you see it.

[Fist Gamet]

Then perhaps I could see it? No, if I have perhaps had even a tiny bit of influence on your writing then that is very flattering, no? I claim no exclusivity to an idea, of course, and the vast majority of my own have been drawn from a wide range of other sources and writers - just like everyone else

Baudin, I take it that these two storylines absolutely have to go into the first book? I ask only because I found myself having to withdraw an entire thread that, whilst good and fun to write, did not really serve enough purpose to the story to justify it. Shelved it for a later book.