So, I've finally finished reading the opening for your story( took me awhile cus I read while I was at work
), and what an opening! This is perhaps the most interesting piece I've read in ages!
The plot so far has been extremely intriguing, both that of Hylike and the crew on the alien planet and Dealer and Jewel inestigating some sort of ancient conspiracy. The world and characters you've created are fascinating and believable. The characters are all separate individuals, they have their own personalities and are easy to tell apart.
You've done a great job of establishing a military structure, government structure and a history. The technology you write about does not only seem feasible, it is also extremely interesting. I simply love the concept of "mind-sub" that you've created. Well done, sir.
Now, on to some nitpicking:
I've noticed quite a few spelling errors and some weirdly structured sentences. I'm sure you'll tidy up your language when you set about revising this story.
Some of the dialogue could use some work. The crew on the alien planet seem to say "You need to see this" and "there's something you should see" a whole lot. Watch out for this and try to vary the expressions a little.
Some of the names change during the story:
Hammur becomes Hammer
Tick becomes Tichue
Breed become Brood (I blame Brood btw)
Kallen becomes Kallan
and so on...
A note on the names:
Breed - reminds me of The Flood from Halo
Horde - reminds me of World of Warcraft
Kodiah Farsear - reminds me of Farseer-trilogy (jus the resemblance of the names).
Also, some parts of the story reminded very much of Mass Effect, as I've mentioned, and some parts gave me a Red Planet vibe. Nothing to worry too much about, but something that can be wise to keep an eye on.
I wish I could give you more in depth critique but, alas, I am at work
But I must say that what you have here is really, really good. This has the potential to become somthing truly epic. I wish you all the best in your efforts to finish this story.
I would definitely read more:)
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TheUniversalConstant.doc (427K)
