Malazan Empire: My son is an abuser of innocent animal toys. - Malazan Empire

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My son is an abuser of innocent animal toys.

#1 User is offline   McLovin 

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Posted 28 March 2009 - 07:47 PM

So, I was giving my 2-year-old son a bath the other night. It was nice family time, getting ready for bed.

Little did I realize I would be witness to something unspeakable.

My son has a little toy raccoon that he likes to play with in the bath. So he was splashing it around in the tub as is his wont.

Then he had an idea.

He put the raccoon down between his legs and...and...

He...abused it.

With his <ahem>.

The racccoon and I were both too shocked to speak. Of course, the raccoon was also underwater so that may have been a factor for its silence too.

Is there some kind of counseling I can put him in? Maybe a support group for the raccoon?
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#2 User is offline   Slow Ben 

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Posted 28 March 2009 - 07:55 PM

Is the raccoon male or female?
I've always been crazy but its kept me from going insane.
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#3 User is offline   Tiste Simeon 

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Posted 28 March 2009 - 08:02 PM

Sounds like he has a case of "The Rodeos"... It's a serious disease. Nest thing you know he will be pantless and drunk in a forest, with a lot of moose looking shifty standing all around...
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#4 User is offline   RodeoRanch 

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Posted 28 March 2009 - 08:06 PM

The raccoon was probably dressed really slutty and basically asking for it.
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#5 User is offline   McLovin 

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Posted 28 March 2009 - 08:08 PM

View PostSlow Ben, on Mar 28 2009, 01:55 PM, said:

Is the raccoon male or female?


I tried to check, but the raccoon has touch/boundary issues. Understandable, really, given what transpired.
OK, I think I got it, but just in case, can you say the whole thing over again? I wasn't really listening.
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#6 User is offline   Slow Ben 

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Posted 28 March 2009 - 08:10 PM

I wouldnt worry about it, raccoons are sexually pervasive by nature.

See...

Attached File(s)

  • Attached File  coon.jpg (4.03K)
    Number of downloads: 4

I've always been crazy but its kept me from going insane.
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#7 User is offline   Aptorian 

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Posted 28 March 2009 - 08:12 PM

So this is actually a slightly veiled thread about racoon poontang?
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#8 User is offline   HoosierDaddy 

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Posted 28 March 2009 - 08:14 PM

I say you should encourage your son's private sexual experimentation at this young age when it won't get him ridiculed and or beat up. However, if he starts walking around without pants on in the forest, you might want to consult specialists....
Trouble arrives when the opponents to such a system institute its extreme opposite, where individualism becomes godlike and sacrosanct, and no greater service to any other ideal (including community) is possible. In such a system rapacious greed thrives behind the guise of freedom, and the worst aspects of human nature come to the fore....
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#9 User is offline   McLovin 

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Posted 28 March 2009 - 08:15 PM

View PostSlow Ben, on Mar 28 2009, 02:10 PM, said:

I wouldnt worry about it, raccoons are sexually pervasive by nature.

See...


Raccoon porn. A new low, even for here.

CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE THEM ALONE???
OK, I think I got it, but just in case, can you say the whole thing over again? I wasn't really listening.
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#10 User is offline   RodeoRanch 

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Posted 28 March 2009 - 08:17 PM

View PostHoosierDaddy, on Mar 28 2009, 02:14 PM, said:

However, if he starts walking around without pants on in the forest, you might want to consult specialists....



Hey!
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#11 User is offline   HoosierDaddy 

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Posted 28 March 2009 - 08:20 PM

View PostRodeoRanch, on Mar 28 2009, 04:17 PM, said:

View PostHoosierDaddy, on Mar 28 2009, 02:14 PM, said:

However, if he starts walking around without pants on in the forest, you might want to consult specialists....



Hey!


Is normally for horses, but we don't want to add their sexual harassment cases to the raccoon's case as well.
Trouble arrives when the opponents to such a system institute its extreme opposite, where individualism becomes godlike and sacrosanct, and no greater service to any other ideal (including community) is possible. In such a system rapacious greed thrives behind the guise of freedom, and the worst aspects of human nature come to the fore....
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#12 User is offline   Aptorian 

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Posted 28 March 2009 - 08:20 PM

Is anyone else slightly worried that McLovin never had a baby and he's been spending these past years fostering a colony of racoons?
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#13 User is offline   Slow Ben 

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Posted 28 March 2009 - 08:22 PM

So, we asked the wrong questions!

Is your son, in fact, a racoon?

If so, then this whole discussion is a moo point.

This post has been edited by Slow Ben: 28 March 2009 - 08:25 PM

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#14 User is offline   McLovin 

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Posted 28 March 2009 - 08:27 PM

Just because my wife has a striped bushy tail and washes our dinner in the creek before eating doesn't make her a...

Hmmmmm....

*finally figured something out*
OK, I think I got it, but just in case, can you say the whole thing over again? I wasn't really listening.
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#15 User is offline   Gem Windcaster 

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Posted 28 March 2009 - 08:30 PM

He's 2. He doesn't even know what his 'thing' is - he's just testing what it is. 2 year olds do alot of really weird stuff, that if a grown up do them, it would qualify them for a straightjacket. For starters they eat everything, stones, grass, plastic... Just be glad he doesn't stuff things up...other places.
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#16 User is offline   McLovin 

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Posted 28 March 2009 - 09:26 PM

View PostGem Windcaster, on Mar 28 2009, 02:30 PM, said:

Just be glad he doesn't stuff things up...other places.


Now that you mention it, he does like to stuff straws up his nose. Training for the future cocaine habit, I guess. Oh well, at least we know that means he can be US President.
OK, I think I got it, but just in case, can you say the whole thing over again? I wasn't really listening.
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#17 User is offline   Tiste Simeon 

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Posted 28 March 2009 - 09:32 PM

View PostMcLovin, on Mar 28 2009, 09:26 PM, said:

View PostGem Windcaster, on Mar 28 2009, 02:30 PM, said:

Just be glad he doesn't stuff things up...other places.


Now that you mention it, he does like to stuff straws up his nose. Training for the future cocaine habit, I guess. Oh well, at least we know that means he can be US President.

If that ever happens, this thread is going straight to CNN. :ball:
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#18 User is offline   stone monkey 

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Posted 29 March 2009 - 12:34 AM

Hey there McLovin! Long time no see!

I didn't think Furry tendencies showed up that young...
If an opinion contrary to your own makes you angry, that is a sign that you are subconsciously aware of having no good reason for thinking as you do. If some one maintains that two and two are five, or that Iceland is on the equator, you feel pity rather than anger, unless you know so little of arithmetic or geography that his opinion shakes your own contrary conviction. … So whenever you find yourself getting angry about a difference of opinion, be on your guard; you will probably find, on examination, that your belief is going beyond what the evidence warrants. Bertrand Russell
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#19 User is offline   McLovin 

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Posted 29 March 2009 - 01:15 AM

Yes, hard to believe it's been six months since last I checked in, but there you have it.

The job I moved to Dallas for turned out to be utter sh!t, so I had to find a new one. I left educational research for an industrial psychology position. Pretty decent so far, plus I'm no longer managing staff, which is a refreshing change of pace. Get to go home on time every night.
OK, I think I got it, but just in case, can you say the whole thing over again? I wasn't really listening.
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#20 User is offline   Bent 

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Posted 29 March 2009 - 02:09 AM

I started out like that...the occasional thundercat got ...used....But look at me!!! I turned out fine!!! Right?
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