[Sixty]

Hey, I've been working on this for a couple months now and I just finished my second revision of the prologue. It's likely I'll revise it a couple times more, but for now this is what I have:

http://sixteh.net/hy...e/prologue.html

Let me know what you think.

[Grimjust Bearegular]

Very well written, I thoroughly enjoyed it:)

Don't think I have anything to critizise actually...let me think on it

[Tarcanus]

I read the first handful of paragraphs, and I will definitely finish reading the rest when I have the time.

First impression: The writing is well done, though I get confused by how you place your hyphens. You need spaces in there or it makes me think the words you're separating with the hyphen is a hyphenated word. Very confusing. Also, something nagged at me as I was reading, though I can't quite put my finger on it. Too much forced mystery? I think that sounds about right. I'm sure you reveal more about the character who's voice you're writing from in the first section, but from the page I read, you're trying too hard to make him mysterious, or the magic mysterious, or something. It's what made me not want to finish, tonight. Maybe leave out what sound like his premonitions (you kept hinting that he did something terrible throughout the first bit) and just have him eavesdrop and such and then just leave. Later you can elucidate - through other characters or a little bit of telling - what happened that night. Imo, that would be better than forcing the mystery right off the bat.

Like I said, though, I will finish my read-through soon and have more to say.

[Grimjust Bearegular]

yeah, I agree with Tarcanus, he makes some good points.

[Sixty]

Thanks!

@Tarcanus: I'll take what you say in perspective, although this is a prologue; that is, all you really learn is that his magic makes him an abomination and you see what happens when he uses the magic later in the prologue. The second part describes something entirely separate (14 years in the future, in fact). It's one of those things that's supposed to sit in the back of your mind as you go through the story itself.

Btw, the hyphens are because courier new is uniform-width per character and displays word's auto-corrected "--" as the same width as a normal hyphen. In Times New Roman, it's obvious which is which.
But manuscripts are usually in courier new or similar fonts, so...

[Tarcanus]

Alright, I read the rest.

I still stand by what I said earlier about the magician or whoever he is. That bit is trying too hard to be mysterious, even though I know it's a prologue and you're trying to make it so the reader keeps it in the back of their head while they're reading.

The bit with injured Derrick with Syr and Evon: I feel like this entire section could be dropped. Derrick's assassination is much more important and I feel like the only reason you felt you needed the part with Syr and Evon was to show off their characters and maybe plant a little suspicion over who the assassin could be in the reader.

If you mess with the 3rd part and instead of making Derrick wake up to battle, instead wake up of his own accord and begin an internal monologue about the day's losses and Syr's attitude and -then- have the battle sounds reach his ears, I think it would work better while cutting some chafe from the piece. I mean, are the numbers of troops lost in battle so vital that they need be said? Derrick could just be appalled at the losses - that still gives a good impression of how bad it was.

Also, you're writing is nice and reads well, but is awkward at points. For example, "with blood's draining, lightheadedness ensued". How can blood possess draining? I know what you're saying and it reads well, but it jarred me as awkward because I don't think it's a proper use of denoting ownership. Keep in mind I'm no grammar expert myself and need to brush up.


Overall, though, I liked it and would read more. I wish I could list some of the things I liked instead of being so critical, but I feel like letting you know I'd gladly read on is good enough.

[Bauchelain the Evil]

I actually liked it and the mystery didn't bother me. However in the second part I do believe you try a bit to hard to portrait the character as honourable. While I didn't mind it in his conversation with Styr or in the assassin's remark, it seemed a bit artificial when he was thinking how he was the Empire's most honourable commander. Other than that I really enjoyed it and would look forward to read more.

[Sixty]

Tarcanus, on Mar 13 2009, 01:00 PM, said:

Alright, I read the rest.

I still stand by what I said earlier about the magician or whoever he is. That bit is trying too hard to be mysterious, even though I know it's a prologue and you're trying to make it so the reader keeps it in the back of their head while they're reading.

The bit with injured Derrick with Syr and Evon: I feel like this entire section could be dropped. Derrick's assassination is much more important and I feel like the only reason you felt you needed the part with Syr and Evon was to show off their characters and maybe plant a little suspicion over who the assassin could be in the reader.

If you mess with the 3rd part and instead of making Derrick wake up to battle, instead wake up of his own accord and begin an internal monologue about the day's losses and Syr's attitude and -then- have the battle sounds reach his ears, I think it would work better while cutting some chafe from the piece. I mean, are the numbers of troops lost in battle so vital that they need be said? Derrick could just be appalled at the losses - that still gives a good impression of how bad it was.

Also, you're writing is nice and reads well, but is awkward at points. For example, "with blood's draining, lightheadedness ensued". How can blood possess draining? I know what you're saying and it reads well, but it jarred me as awkward because I don't think it's a proper use of denoting ownership. Keep in mind I'm no grammar expert myself and need to brush up.


Overall, though, I liked it and would read more. I wish I could list some of the things I liked instead of being so critical, but I feel like letting you know I'd gladly read on is good enough.

Thanks, I don't mind criticism--in fact, as long as it's constructive, I encourage it as much as I can.

As for the awkward parts, I'm trying to eschew use of the word "of"; that is, "with the draining of blood" is less concise, albeit more precise. Not sure which would be better, but I've been experimenting.

I'll take the suggestion about the second part's plotline into consideration--originally, it included the battle itself but I cut it out as unnecessary.

@bauchelain: thanks.
The idea is that he's full of himself and obsessed with his so-called honor (that is, putting his honor--the poison part--above others). I figured him saying "Well, I'm the fucking shit...this is a pretty stupid way to die" fit in character. =)