[Vengeance]

Obdigore, on 16 November 2017 - 09:27 PM, said:

Vengeance, on 16 November 2017 - 09:11 PM, said:

Morgoth, on 16 November 2017 - 08:33 PM, said:

T, on 16 November 2017 - 04:52 PM, said:

I think my marriage just hit an iceberg.

I'm just waiting to find out if it's just dented or had its guts ripped out below the waterline.

If you need to talk, we're a bunch of divorcees here who most certainly did a worse job of our marriages than you'll ever do.

Do you need your own sub to commiserate?

Like a sandwich or one that can go underwater?

A sandwich of course. Something classy from potbellies or Jimmy johns.

[Traveller]

Morgoth, on 16 November 2017 - 08:33 PM, said:

T, on 16 November 2017 - 04:52 PM, said:

I think my marriage just hit an iceberg.

I'm just waiting to find out if it's just dented or had its guts ripped out below the waterline.

If you need to talk, we're a bunch of divorcees here who most certainly did a worse job of our marriages than you'll ever do.

Thanks. I really still don't know what's going on as she won't talk to me. We exchanged a few texts today but when she got home and I tried to start some sort of conversation to find out why she's so pissed it just felt like I was making things worse. Guess I'll just have to wait and see.

This post has been edited by T 'rav Elar: 16 November 2017 - 10:41 PM

[Andorion]

T, on 16 November 2017 - 10:40 PM, said:

Morgoth, on 16 November 2017 - 08:33 PM, said:

T, on 16 November 2017 - 04:52 PM, said:

I think my marriage just hit an iceberg.

I'm just waiting to find out if it's just dented or had its guts ripped out below the waterline.

If you need to talk, we're a bunch of divorcees here who most certainly did a worse job of our marriages than you'll ever do.

Thanks. I really still don't know what's going on as she won't talk to me. We exchanged a few texts today but when she got home and I tried to start some sort of conversation to find out why she's so pissed it just felt like I was making things worse. Guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Is the no-talking thing the only issue, or are there larger long-term ones? If its only no-talking a little bit of quiet patience might pay off.

Messing with my groove:

I get better from the cold and the fever only to somehow mis-step in the kitchen and twist what feels like everything I have in my left ankle. I can barely put it down now.

[Traveller]

Andorion, on 17 November 2017 - 01:42 AM, said:

T, on 16 November 2017 - 10:40 PM, said:

Morgoth, on 16 November 2017 - 08:33 PM, said:

T, on 16 November 2017 - 04:52 PM, said:

I think my marriage just hit an iceberg.

I'm just waiting to find out if it's just dented or had its guts ripped out below the waterline.

If you need to talk, we're a bunch of divorcees here who most certainly did a worse job of our marriages than you'll ever do.

Thanks. I really still don't know what's going on as she won't talk to me. We exchanged a few texts today but when she got home and I tried to start some sort of conversation to find out why she's so pissed it just felt like I was making things worse. Guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Is the no-talking thing the only issue, or are there larger long-term ones? If its only no-talking a little bit of quiet patience might pay off.

The long term is, that since she got promoted to a managerial level, she's under a lot of pressure. The only way to deal was to throw herself into it; she's having to deal with and organise consultant surgeons as well as look after a dept of staff and all their crap.

Problem is, when she comes home, she's knackered and short tempered, and doesn't have any time to do anything fun. She blows up at anything. She swears in front of the kids, which I hate. And anything I've tried to get her away and chilled is usually met with no enthusiasm whatsoever.
Mostly I try to get the kids out and busy when she's off, so she gets some quiet time, but the long term effect is that she's missing out on stuff.

She made some comment on Tuesday about not being bothered about Christmas at all.. then followed on Wednesday by saying she's fed up, fed up with 'everything.' And she gave me such a look. It was like a kick, because I've only had that look from someone else, years back, when I was being cheated on. It was horrible.

I tried texting her at work to ask what was wrong, how can I help. She said she's not sure if she wants help. I said what does that mean... She said she just wants to be on her own.

Not good, imo. I made the mistake of replying that she is already isolating herself to a degree.. and she said 'I'm glad all my sacrifices have been worth it'

So then she comes home and won't talk about any of it. And now she's back at work. I might have to wait and see what's next, as I don't want to make things worse.

[worry]

That all sounds scary, tbh. I don't know anything about anything, but to me that doesn't sound like a relationship/marriage issue (like, at its heart -- ramifications are another story). It sounds like she's on the verge of something psychologically disastrous.

[Traveller]

I agree.. I'm just replaying stuff from the last few months. Things that were small on their own, but were all signs of things I should have been doing more about.

Fuck.

[worry]

I don't really know any specific courses of action to take. Wish I did. Hopefully someone else here has sound advice. My initial thought, though -- knowing nothing of your network, I admit, or what's possible for you -- is to contact other people who love her and let them know. But like in a serious, something-has-to-happen kind of way. Organize. Like an intervention, even if that's not the right word for this situation. All of which is to say: something might be seriously wrong. As important as you are to your spouse, you're only one person. A course correction is needed somehow, and my hunch (and it's just a hunch) is that it has to be in a way that isn't easy for her to run from or ignore. Easier said than done, I know.

[Traveller]

Thanks, have just been in touch with her mum and sister in law. It's helped me a bit anyway. Complete surprise to them - she hasn't said anything to them either. At least they have a heads up now.
I think she need some time away. A week would be good.

She even asked a few months back how I'd feel if she went away without me and the kids, and like a dumbass I was unhelpful.

I'm just going to have to see how things go this eve - if she'll even talk to me. At least I can suggest a break, as her sis in law would be free to help.

It's just so goddamn freaky and unnerving when someone you know so well starts behaving like a stranger.

This post has been edited by T 'rav Elar: 17 November 2017 - 09:20 AM

[Maark Abbott]

Got banned from the ME Facebook group due to pointing out objectionable conduct on part of one of the moderators. I have to ask myself exactly what went wrong with that group. And then, after the fact, I started to receive private messages from the same moderator attempting, in turn, to browbeat, coerce, plead with me, concluding with a generic ultimatum.

Oh well, the forums remain well kept. Suppose I'll discuss the books here instead, hey?

[Macros]

There was overblown drama on the ME Facebook page?

I DONT BELIEVE IT

[Maark Abbott]

Macros, on 17 November 2017 - 10:13 AM, said:

There was overblown drama on the ME Facebook page?

I DONT BELIEVE IT

I know, right? Thing was, the drama that got me banned wasn't even occurring within the ME page itself. It was in a different group.

[LadyMTL]

I really really really don't want to work today. This week has been killing me, and the idea of having to put up with it even for one more day is making me want to tear my hair out and then go back to bed. It doesn't help that I have Deadhouse Landing waiting for me on my Kindle, but I have to wait until the end of this day before settling in to read it.

Oh, and I went to Costco yesterday night and man, have prices gone up (at least at the one I shop at). I spent way more than I thought I would, and didn't actually get all that much in the way of food...still have to hit up a grocery store sometime soon, or else I'll be eating my lunchtime sandwiches without any bread. That said, I now have enough toilet paper to last through a minor apocalypse, so silver linings I guess?

[Gorefest]

Maark Abbott, on 17 November 2017 - 11:56 AM, said:

Macros, on 17 November 2017 - 10:13 AM, said:

There was overblown drama on the ME Facebook page?

I DONT BELIEVE IT

I know, right? Thing was, the drama that got me banned wasn't even occurring within the ME page itself. It was in a different group.

The solution is obvious. Just avoid Facebook. It is a toxic platform anyway.

[Gust Hubb]

T, on 17 November 2017 - 09:19 AM, said:

Thanks, have just been in touch with her mum and sister in law. It's helped me a bit anyway. Complete surprise to them - she hasn't said anything to them either. At least they have a heads up now.
I think she need some time away. A week would be good.

She even asked a few months back how I'd feel if she went away without me and the kids, and like a dumbass I was unhelpful.

I'm just going to have to see how things go this eve - if she'll even talk to me. At least I can suggest a break, as her sis in law would be free to help.

It's just so goddamn freaky and unnerving when someone you know so well starts behaving like a stranger.

I would have to agree with worry. Yeah that does sound freaky and with a sudden shift, I would make me wonder about true psychological manifestations versus something at work she cannot handle. I would bet it isn't you at all and maybe she is trying to deal with something she is too afraid to talk with you about? But i don't think you should beat yourself up. Hindsight 20/20 you know. And you are actively trying to help, and that speaks highly of you.

[Puck]

Gust Hubb, on 17 November 2017 - 12:46 PM, said:

T, on 17 November 2017 - 09:19 AM, said:

Thanks, have just been in touch with her mum and sister in law. It's helped me a bit anyway. Complete surprise to them - she hasn't said anything to them either. At least they have a heads up now.
I think she need some time away. A week would be good.

She even asked a few months back how I'd feel if she went away without me and the kids, and like a dumbass I was unhelpful.

I'm just going to have to see how things go this eve - if she'll even talk to me. At least I can suggest a break, as her sis in law would be free to help.

It's just so goddamn freaky and unnerving when someone you know so well starts behaving like a stranger.

I would have to agree with worry. Yeah that does sound freaky and with a sudden shift, I would make me wonder about true psychological manifestations versus something at work she cannot handle. I would bet it isn't you at all and maybe she is trying to deal with something she is too afraid to talk with you about? But i don't think you should beat yourself up. Hindsight 20/20 you know. And you are actively trying to help, and that speaks highly of you.

I agree with worry and GH. My mother does this when she's really stressed at work, especially the 'only one making sacrifices' part as well as the whatever you say now is wrong part. If it's the same, it's not you but probably too much work/stress from outside (it does sound like your wife's working A LOT atm). A week away and talking to people close to her sounds like a good idea, and there's not much you can do without seeming overbearing and potentially making it worse. I'd say communication is, as always, key, but wait till things have calmed some and if she feels like she needs help dealing with all the stress, there's no shame in seeking it, but can be very difficult to admit to oneself and especially others.

This post has been edited by Puck: 17 November 2017 - 01:00 PM

[amphibian]

I would suggest someone taking the kids for a day and a night to allow you two to have a serious talk.

You are going to have to ask her what's going on and communicate everything you've told us here to her.

If she is cheating or about to cheat, then you should be aware of that and decide what that means to you two. If she's not happy, then you two need to figure out ways to get her closer to that. And above all, your kids have to be well cared for by both of you. Not just you.

[Mezla PigDog]

I doubt she's got time for cheating!

How old are your kids now Traveller? And how long has she been doing the new job? Because it sounds kind of familiar to me! Have you ever felt so run down for so long that you feel like anything and everything just wants a piece of you? Even people you love who just want you to be your old self? I get angry at friends inviting me to stuff sometimes because it's just another admin task I have to reply to them and say no!! I've been fantasizing about asking the other half if I can go on holiday on my own, especially more so when I was on maternity leave before going back to work gave me a different outlet. Can't imagine coping if my job was long term stressful plus having another kid in the house!! Also with a new job it takes some time for your stress threshold to recalibrate, she might just need a few months to a year to get her teeth into it.

Give her the week away, structure in some nights to herself that she has to force herself to go on even when she's knackered (I go to the cinema on my own) and have as low key a Christmas as you can get away with to take the chore aspect out of it. I had a colleague with young kids who was so knackered at Christmas they all had beans on toast for Christmas dinner just so they could enjoy the day together without someone slogging in the kitchen - they loved it and played games together instead! Not sure how you get a bit of the same back if you are equally as busy and doing more with the kids but if everyone has the same outlook it usually evens out over a lifetime.

[Traveller]

Thanks for good advice and sound comments, as always.

The job upgrade became a problem when she went from coming home stressed by it, to putting even more into it to get on top of it. Now she leaves earlier and comes back later. But she seems happier with it now.. it's when she comes home she seems fed up.
But we have no time together, she's tired and wrung out and gets impatient with the kids and me, even over minor stuff. She just doesn't seem to enjoy the kids much, they seem like a big inconvenience to her.

Kids are now 7 and 4. They're great. They can be a bit full on though, and when they get too rude or naughty she has trouble with discipline which doesn't help.

I think she needs a week away. I'm not going to hound her for explanations but it would be nice if she'd at least talk a bit.

This post has been edited by T 'rav Elar: 17 November 2017 - 03:08 PM

[amphibian]

Being fully present when at home is a continual battle, but it's really noticeable by everyone else. It might be worth bringing up.

And hospital workers find places and spots to bang. Grey's Anatomy plays fast and loose with a lot of stuff, but that's fairly accurate.

[Morgoth]

maybe when she gets back you could suggest some couples counseling.