Help
Andorion, on 04 April 2016 - 01:55 AM, said:
Its a difficult situation no doubt. I have faced more or less the same thing. We (I and my close friend group) had a friend in high school with mental health problems. To make things worse he had initially been misdiagnosed and his medication was all over the place. He was depressed, had mood swings and was occasionally suicidal.
A good portion of three years was spent listening and talking to him, including him in everything, trying to help etc. He did not always respond favourably, often being angry, ridiculously and unnecessarily rude, but that was simply part of the entire experience for us. Eventually he got the correct doctor and got better, but did not reduce his dependence on us. By this time we were all in separate colleges, but he clearly craved attention. He took to insulting us for no reason or saying obviously absurd or shocking things. Even this we took in stride.
But after another 3 years of this we realized that our connection with him had become solely for his gratification and it had become a source of serious problem for us. He was no longer in danger. He had mapped out his own career and was as secure as any of us. When he needed to be, he could be rational, but often he would try to get our attention by being gratuitously rude. With great regret we reduced our contact with him and this helped a lot.
So what I am trying to say is that helping somebody at the cost of your own mental peace is often not worth it, especially if your help is not crucial to the situation, but merely an adjunct - here the crucial element being competent medical intervention.
A good portion of three years was spent listening and talking to him, including him in everything, trying to help etc. He did not always respond favourably, often being angry, ridiculously and unnecessarily rude, but that was simply part of the entire experience for us. Eventually he got the correct doctor and got better, but did not reduce his dependence on us. By this time we were all in separate colleges, but he clearly craved attention. He took to insulting us for no reason or saying obviously absurd or shocking things. Even this we took in stride.
But after another 3 years of this we realized that our connection with him had become solely for his gratification and it had become a source of serious problem for us. He was no longer in danger. He had mapped out his own career and was as secure as any of us. When he needed to be, he could be rational, but often he would try to get our attention by being gratuitously rude. With great regret we reduced our contact with him and this helped a lot.
So what I am trying to say is that helping somebody at the cost of your own mental peace is often not worth it, especially if your help is not crucial to the situation, but merely an adjunct - here the crucial element being competent medical intervention.
The not reducing dependency thing rings true. The person has also been occasionally suicidal, and had a bad bout recently, and we both have said for that sort of situation then of course we'd go out of our way to help (the alternative is unthinkable) - but the dependency I'm talking about is more "every minor little thing" - it's as if they refuse to deal with anything on their own. Recently it's devolved into fairly teenage behaviour as there was a breakup from a brief relationship (both people are in our D&D group, so you can imagine how fun that's been recently) and all that silly playground "they were my friends first" nonsense is coming to the fore, and they constantly want reassurance they're not going to be dropped.
The last isn't helped by an acquaintance who partner and I chose to have nothing more to do with - short version: he was massively inappropriate with me and enough was enough - and he plays on this person's insecurities. It's clear from conversations that there is a narrative of "if they dropped me, you could be next!" going on. Whilst I get people want to put themselves in the most favourable light, it's cruel to put that on someone who is so insecure to begin with. Understandably it's made them ten times worse with the "my friends first" thing.
This post has been edited by TheRetiredBridgeburner: 04 April 2016 - 06:17 AM
