Posted 16 July 2013 - 03:50 AM
Think of some stories about him that you can sanitise - like, mention how he fell down some stairs after tripping on a stepladder twice in a row wearing literally nothing but a shirt but don't mention the shrooms he was on, as a totally imaginary example I certainly didn't use - along with nice things about the both of them, nothing you wouldn't tell your grandmother
Write a list of points you want to hit - Jokes about groom; compliments about bride; embarassing stories; commiserations to parents about how awful the couple were as kids; mass insults etc - on a card to take with you and ad-lib between them as you want
Put any mistakes down to nerves and champagne/lust for slices of cake why am I still talking that cake looks delicious
End on a high, claim the two wouldn't have met without you and therefore everyone is here today thanks to me, shower me with the praise I am due
Toast everyone! Parents, yourself, bridesmaids, yourself again, then the couple
Tell them you love them both and they're awesome, also that he owes you like $20
Enjoy your accolades and get drunk
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like he’s me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. I’m on a quorl.