[Lancelot]

A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quay.

As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?" he asked.

"Yes, I am." replied the sobbing girl.

Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge. "Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me
- if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found".

The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.

Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an
explanation.

The girl came clean, "I've stowed away to get to Australia . One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me."

The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied, "He certainly is love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry . "

................................................................................
........................

Irish castaway
>>>
>>>One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a
>>>deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on
>>>the horizon. He thought to himself,"It's certainly not a ship." As the
>>>speck got closer and closer,
>>>he began to rule out even the possibilities
>>>of a small boat or a raft.
>>>
>>>Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
>>>Putting aside the scuba tanks
>>>and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead
>>>gorgeous blonde!
>>>
>>>She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said
>>>to him,"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good ! cigar?"
>>>
>>>"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
>>>
>>>With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left
>>>sleeve of her
>>>wetsuit and pulled out
>>>a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
>>>
>>>He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
>>>"Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so
>>>good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke
>>>can be !"
>>>
>>>"And how long has it been since you've had
>>>a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked
>>>the blonde.
>>>
>>>Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
>>>
>>>Hearing that, the blonde reached over to
>>>her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed
>>>it to him.

>>>He opened the flask and took a long drink. "
>>>'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly
>>>fantastic!!!"
>>>
>>>At this point the gorgeous blonde started
>>>to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit,
>>>right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And
>>>how long has it been since
>>>you played around?"
>>>
>>>With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell
>>>to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that
>>>you've got golf clubs in there too�

................................................................................
.......................

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees
a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right
beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"
"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states.
"Whoa!!!" He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.

Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's
going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly
asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most
well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess
that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is
men of Greek descent."

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says,
"I shouldn't be bothering you with this, I don't even know your name!".
"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Papadopoulos."

[bubba]

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets
out of the car, and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff
seems to get
funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . the driver was a
DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT
HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you
then?"
. . and that's when the fight started.

[Flawed]

Sorry they are extra lame today.

Ahem!.................

Q: Why did the squirrel swim on his back?
A: To keep his nuts dry.

Q: What did they award the man that invented the door knocker?
A: The No-bell Prize.

Q: What did the chicken say after she laid a square egg?
A: Ouch!

Q: Why did the jelly roll?
A: Because he saw the apple turn over!

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids.

-----

An unemployed dwarf went to drastic measures to get a job. He stood in the street holding a placard saying: Work wanted. No job. Too small.

-----

A man walks into his living room and a toad in the hole flies past his head. A little later, his wife opens the bathroom cabinet and is hit in the face with a spaghetti bolognese. Their son walks into the kitchen and just avoids a chicken curry.

The family don't know where their next meal is coming from.

[bubba]

Underwear dust
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

[Valgard]

A couple I heard recently i thought I would share

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"

A man walks past a pet shop and sees a box full of kittens, with a sign saying from Amsterdam. Thinking that he would like to get one he heads into the shop where he asks the shop owner.
"I am interested in one of the kittens, but I have to know how Dutch is that moggy in the window."

[Flawed]

Lads dont believe a word of it!

Ahem........

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket
according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah
and pumice stone.

ash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body
wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

***********************

How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the
'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your
hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of
bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make
the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

[Flawed]

Just for you Bubba...

AHEM!.......

Q: What do you call a cat that has eaten a duck?
A: A duck-filled-fatty-puss.

Q: What do you call a camel with three humps?
A: Humphrey!

Q: What do you call a snake employed by the government?
A: A civil serpent.

Q: What do you get if you cross a snake with a set of building blocks?
A: A boa constructor.

Q: What do you get if you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot?
A: A bite in shining armour.

-----

When William Shakespeare went swimming one day, he was obsessed with the notion that moths had been feeding on the back of his trunks. He asked a friend to investigate and make a thorough search. The friend looked and replied,

"No holes, bard."

-----

Two policemen are called to the scene of a crime at a supermarket. One asks the manager what had happened. The manager tells him, "There's a man over there covered in Corn Flakes and he's dead."

"That's odd," said the first policeman, "didn't we have one covered in Bran Flakes yesterday and another covered in Weeta Flakes last week?"

"You're right," said the second policeman. "This must be the work of a cereal killer."

[Lost Marine]

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for
some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the
Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the
woods.


A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat,
and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling
frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a
10 foot grizzly bear.


As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came
racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The
other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat
from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished
off the bear an d two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while
the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.


As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I
give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard
there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic
environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is
not true."


As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was
that guy?"


"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with
heaven and has access to all wisdom."


"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure
don't know nothin' about bear hunting! How's the bait holding up, or do
we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

[bubba]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Flawed again.

A small boy was lost at the Mall of America. The six-year-old approached a uniformed policeman and tearfully told him, "I've lost my grandpa." The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy thought for a moment and replied, "Vodka on the rocks and women with big tits."

[bubba]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen."

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

[Dr Trouble]

A pedophile is dragging a girl through a forest at night, she's crying and rubbing her eyes, so he asks, "What are you crying for?" She answers, "I'm Scared..."
He says, "You're scared? I've got to walk back out by myself!"

[Leoman]

How do you make 5 pounds of fat useful?





Put a nipple on it

[Zanth13]

Bubba;252463 said:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen."

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

~class


Why was 6 scared of 7..


because seven eight nine :eek:

[bubba]

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me!"

[Bent]

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field for the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty whole years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. For this I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? How about you give me my twenty, the forty, the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[q21]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Bent again.

[Bent]

Thats ok I keep getting this one!!! You have given out too much reputation in the last 24 hours.

[bubba]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Bent again.

[bubba]

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks short of a load, or his elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

[Lancelot]

Whats the difference between a ginger bloke and a brick???

The brick will get laid!!