Malazan Empire: My Roommate - Malazan Empire

Jump to content

Page 1 of 1
  • You cannot start a new topic
  • You cannot reply to this topic

My Roommate

#1 User is offline   Slow Ben 

  • Ranger
  • Group: Malaz Regular
  • Posts: 4,688
  • Joined: 29-September 08
  • Location:Southern Illinois

Posted 26 May 2018 - 01:53 PM

Alright, heres the game.

You tell a story about your kids, but change it to "my roommate" to make it funnier.

Obviously everyone, kids or not, can play.








When my roommate finishes pooping she runs into the living room naked, lays on her back with her legs straight out into the air and yells "SOMEBODY WIPE ME!!"







.

This post has been edited by Slow Ben: 26 May 2018 - 01:54 PM

I've always been crazy but its kept me from going insane.
1

#2 User is offline   Vengeance 

  • High Priest of Shinrei Love and Worship
  • Group: Administrators
  • Posts: 3,895
  • Joined: 27-June 07
  • Location:Chicago
  • very good...;)

Posted 26 May 2018 - 08:51 PM

My roommate used to make me go into the bathroom and look him in the eye while he did his business.
How many fucking people do I have to hammer in order to get that across.
Hinter - Vengy - DIE. I trusted you you bastard!!!!!!!
Steven Erikson made drowning in alien cum possible - Obdigore
1

#3 User is offline   Raymond Luxury Yacht 

  • Throatwobbler Mangrove
  • Group: Grumpy Old Sods
  • Posts: 5,599
  • Joined: 02-July 06
  • Location:The Emerald City
  • Interests:Quiet desperation and self-loathing

Posted 29 May 2018 - 03:39 AM

My roommate climbed in my bed and snuggled
My wife this morning.he told me to move over to give him more room to do so.
Error: Signature not valid
1

#4 User is offline   Vengeance 

  • High Priest of Shinrei Love and Worship
  • Group: Administrators
  • Posts: 3,895
  • Joined: 27-June 07
  • Location:Chicago
  • very good...;)

Posted 11 June 2018 - 07:14 PM

My roommate is having a hard time getting rid of her addiction. This morning she pulled her shirt off and started to scratch her stomach and scream at the top of her lungs. The help was over and called. My wife could barely hear the help due to the screaming on the other end. The sad thing is that we are probably going to have to resort to bribery to get my roommate to stop with her addiction. Which is not ideal.
How many fucking people do I have to hammer in order to get that across.
Hinter - Vengy - DIE. I trusted you you bastard!!!!!!!
Steven Erikson made drowning in alien cum possible - Obdigore
0

#5 User is offline   QuickTidal 

  • Frog
  • Group: Team Quick Ben
  • Posts: 21,339
  • Joined: 05-November 05
  • Location:Nowhere Specific
  • Interests:Nothing, just sitting. Quietly.

Posted 11 June 2018 - 07:16 PM

In the morning when I ask what she wants for breakfast, my roommate stands in the kitchen and shouts PEA-BUDDER over and over and over, and screams and cries if I don't make it happens fast enough. And she often wears socks on her hands.
"When the last tree has fallen, and the rivers are poisoned, you cannot eat money, oh no." ~Aurora

“Someone will always try to sell you despair, just so they don't feel alone.” ~Ursula Vernon
1

#6 User is offline   Aptorian 

  • How 'bout a hug?
  • Group: The Wheelchairs of War
  • Posts: 24,781
  • Joined: 22-May 06

Posted 11 June 2018 - 07:18 PM

View PostVengeance, on 11 June 2018 - 07:14 PM, said:

My roommate is having a hard time getting rid of her addiction. This morning she pulled her shirt off and started to scratch her stomach and scream at the top of her lungs. The help was over and called. My wife could barely hear the help due to the screaming on the other end. The sad thing is that we are probably going to have to resort to bribery to get my roommate to stop with her addiction. Which is not ideal.


Wait... What is roommate a substitute for here,? Are you posting this from prison?
0

#7 User is offline   Vengeance 

  • High Priest of Shinrei Love and Worship
  • Group: Administrators
  • Posts: 3,895
  • Joined: 27-June 07
  • Location:Chicago
  • very good...;)

Posted 12 June 2018 - 06:20 PM

View PostAlternative Goose, on 11 June 2018 - 07:18 PM, said:

View PostVengeance, on 11 June 2018 - 07:14 PM, said:

My roommate is having a hard time getting rid of her addiction. This morning she pulled her shirt off and started to scratch her stomach and scream at the top of her lungs. The help was over and called. My wife could barely hear the help due to the screaming on the other end. The sad thing is that we are probably going to have to resort to bribery to get my roommate to stop with her addiction. Which is not ideal.


Wait... What is roommate a substitute for here,? Are you posting this from prison?


Roommate is substitute for child. Mine is having a hard time letting go of her pacifier. I found out when I went home that my roommate opened up all of the drawers in the kitchen and pulled everything out then pulled out all of her and my other roommates toys from their toy bins. Then pulled the trash out and started to go through it in order to try to satisfy her addiction. Hopefully today will go a little bit more smoothly.
How many fucking people do I have to hammer in order to get that across.
Hinter - Vengy - DIE. I trusted you you bastard!!!!!!!
Steven Erikson made drowning in alien cum possible - Obdigore
0

#8 User is offline   Macros 

  • D'ivers Fuckwits
  • Group: High House Mafia
  • Posts: 8,845
  • Joined: 28-January 08
  • Location:Ulster, disputed zone, British Empire.

Posted 12 June 2018 - 08:33 PM

give her some cocaine to take the edge off
2012
"Imperial Gothos, Imperial"
0

#9 User is offline   Tiste Simeon 

  • Faith, Heavy Metal & Bacon
  • Group: Malaz Regular
  • Posts: 11,973
  • Joined: 08-October 04
  • Location:T'North

Posted 13 June 2018 - 10:08 AM

My roommate is currently forcing my wife to pee a lot more than usual.
A Haunting Poem
I Scream
You Scream
We all Scream
For I Scream.
0

#10 User is offline   Tapper 

  • Lover of High House Mafia
  • Group: High House Mafia
  • Posts: 6,646
  • Joined: 29-June 04
  • Location:Delft, Holland.

Posted 13 June 2018 - 11:58 AM

My roommate is inside my wife day and night.
Everyone is entitled to his own wrong opinion. - Lizrad
1

#11 User is offline   QuickTidal 

  • Frog
  • Group: Team Quick Ben
  • Posts: 21,339
  • Joined: 05-November 05
  • Location:Nowhere Specific
  • Interests:Nothing, just sitting. Quietly.

Posted 13 June 2018 - 01:12 PM

View PostTiste Simeon, on 13 June 2018 - 10:08 AM, said:

My roommate is currently forcing my wife to pee a lot more than usual.


My second roommate is forcing my wife to do the same! LOL

Also, he likes womb dance parties late at night.
"When the last tree has fallen, and the rivers are poisoned, you cannot eat money, oh no." ~Aurora

“Someone will always try to sell you despair, just so they don't feel alone.” ~Ursula Vernon
0

#12 User is offline   Slow Ben 

  • Ranger
  • Group: Malaz Regular
  • Posts: 4,688
  • Joined: 29-September 08
  • Location:Southern Illinois

Posted 13 June 2018 - 04:06 PM

My roommates are the biggest cockblockers in the known universe.
I've always been crazy but its kept me from going insane.
0

#13 User is offline   Vengeance 

  • High Priest of Shinrei Love and Worship
  • Group: Administrators
  • Posts: 3,895
  • Joined: 27-June 07
  • Location:Chicago
  • very good...;)

Posted 13 June 2018 - 07:39 PM

View PostSlow Ben, on 13 June 2018 - 04:06 PM, said:

My roommates are the biggest cockblockers in the known universe.


Yes mine are the same way.
How many fucking people do I have to hammer in order to get that across.
Hinter - Vengy - DIE. I trusted you you bastard!!!!!!!
Steven Erikson made drowning in alien cum possible - Obdigore
0

#14 User is offline   Slow Ben 

  • Ranger
  • Group: Malaz Regular
  • Posts: 4,688
  • Joined: 29-September 08
  • Location:Southern Illinois

Posted 24 June 2018 - 08:39 PM

My roommate sprayed sunscreen in her vagina today to see how it felt.


Spoiler alert: it burnt.
I've always been crazy but its kept me from going insane.
0

#15 User is offline   EmperorMagus 

  • Scarecrow of Low House PEN
  • Group: Tehol's Blissful Chickens
  • Posts: 1,199
  • Joined: 04-June 12
  • Location:Vancouver

Posted 24 June 2018 - 11:48 PM

View PostSlow Ben, on 24 June 2018 - 08:39 PM, said:

My roommate sprayed sunscreen in her vagina today to see how it felt.


Spoiler alert: it burnt.


In an unrelated PSA, DO NOT spray cologne on your delicate parts.

I most certainly did not try this in my younger days.
Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori
#sarcasm
0

#16 User is offline   LinearPhilosopher 

  • House Knight
  • Group: Malaz Regular
  • Posts: 1,795
  • Joined: 21-May 11
  • Location:Ivory Tower
  • Interests:Everything.

Posted 25 June 2018 - 12:22 AM

View PostEmperorMagus, on 24 June 2018 - 11:48 PM, said:

View PostSlow Ben, on 24 June 2018 - 08:39 PM, said:

My roommate sprayed sunscreen in her vagina today to see how it felt.


Spoiler alert: it burnt.


In an unrelated PSA, DO NOT spray cologne on your delicate parts.

I most certainly did not try this in my younger days.


on a related note, while cooking with jalapenos pepper, make sure to THOROUGHLY wash hands afterwards.

This post has been edited by LinearPhilosopher: 25 June 2018 - 12:22 AM

0

#17 User is offline   JPK 

  • Lemming of High House Mafia
  • Group: High House Mafia
  • Posts: 1,402
  • Joined: 18-January 11
  • Location:Oregon City, Oregon
  • Interests:Sacrificing myself for everyone else's greater good!

Posted 20 August 2018 - 05:09 PM

This morning I was in the middle of pooping when my roommate walked in, dropped her pants and sat on a stepstool directly across from me, looked into my eyes, then preceded to tell me "Yay, Poopoo!" and make prolonged grunting noises and pretend to poop. After a minute of this, she makes a flushing sound and then runs out of the bathroom, still pantless.
3

#18 User is offline   Slow Ben 

  • Ranger
  • Group: Malaz Regular
  • Posts: 4,688
  • Joined: 29-September 08
  • Location:Southern Illinois

Posted 03 October 2018 - 11:30 PM

My roommate is currently taking the "peas" out of her green beans. Because the shells are yucky.
I've always been crazy but its kept me from going insane.
0

Share this topic:


Page 1 of 1
  • You cannot start a new topic
  • You cannot reply to this topic

1 User(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users