[Stonehenge]

I haven't really written anything before, so I would like some constructive criticism or feedback.



The Shallah sat looking into the fire while thetribe sat in circles around him. Every member of the tribe old enough to speaksat chanting together. The words were chanted at a slow pace with a deep voice.The people were waiting for the moment they knew would come. The First Shamanleaned forward and put his hands behind the Shallah's head. The Shaman pulledthe Shallah's head toward his folded legs and at the same moment he said thelast word. "Sleep. " The Shallah's eyes abruptly closed and his head hung tohis chest with no support. The Shamanwhispered in his ear. He was quiet but commanding. Slowly the Shallah's headlifted and he opened his eyes. Finally they could speak with the "other"Shallah. The Shaman leaned forward and said clearly with a commandingvoice "I wish to speak with the true Shallah."



The Shallah lookedaround at all the people seated around the fire and finally his eyes met theShaman's, he said "is there a fake Shallah? Or is it that one Shallah is more real than the other? What do you think Shaman?"



Thescribes around the fire hastily scribbled down all that the Shallah said, so they would not miss any piece of wisdom that the Shallah might say. Finally theShaman spoke "no, there is not any fake Shallah. There are only parts of the whole. Our people understand that you have far more wisdom and knowledge thatwe could learn than the other, so I misspoke we should instead call you the greater Shallah." The Shallah smiled buthe remained silent. All of the shamans had spoken at length to decide what theywould ask him this time. "Tell me Shallah, where is the path to salvation? Whatmust our people do to get there?"



"The path to salvation is an illusion. Our people must first lose themselves, andthen they must find themselves. Only after will they be on the right path."



The Shaman leaned back. He thought he understood what the Shallah was saying but he needed to be sure. "Clarify your statement"



Smoke lifted on the wind between the men the smell of burning grass in the air. TheShallah looked thoughtful. Most of the people would believe he was thinking of a simpler explanation but the First Shaman knew better, he was thinking of away to obey the statement while being as obscure as possible. "Tell me Shaman,what is an illusion?"



Every Shallah keeps their personality when they go into the trance and this Shallah had a habit of asking questions to answer them. It was a very annoying trait for a Shallah but he was chosen as Shallah because he was extremely intelligent. Intellect was prized above most other traits in a Shallah. "An illusion is something you see that does not actually exist."



"You are partially correct, an illusion doesn't physically exist but it does have existence in your mind. There is no physical salvation but there is spiritualand mental salvation. An illusion can also be the belief in a false idea but donot misunderstand; I do not wish you to lead the people with false ideas or ideals. Do you understand?



"You are speaking of dreams, are you not?" the Shallah gave a shallow nod. "And losing ourselves would be entering the dream and thinking that to be our reality. The only way to find our self is waking, so what is the purpose of dreaming at all?"



TheShallah looked disappointed "you are wrong again; you cannot truly find yourself without dreams. Become aware while asleep, that is the only way."



The shaman was struggling to understand. "How" the shaman said. "How are we meant to become aware while asleep? How are we to become conscious while unconscious?It is impossible. This makes no sense." The fire started to die down. It was time to bring the Shallah out of the trance.




I realize that there are going to be many mistakes. I have no real skill at writing, so I hope you guys can help

This post has been edited by Brys_Beddict: 22 June 2015 - 07:14 PM

[Nevyn]

There are a number of issues here:


1) You need a hook:


People need to be pulled into the story. They need to get enough up front that they are pulled into reading more.

In many stories this is done by beginning with an action sequence (either happening at the time of the main story arc, or as a prologue) or an otherwise dramatic confrontation. Failing that usually a sense is given of the stakes involved. If something epic or tragic or dramatic is not currently happening, there is typically at least a sense of foreboding that such a thing WILL be happening.

This story starts with basically the antithesis of that. A bunch of people we don't know or have names for are sitting in a circle having a philosophical and semantic discussion for reasons unknown

Re-wording it to make the actual ritual seem more dramatic or introduce it more dramatically may help. But if you are going to start a story with this, some broader context is going to be required. Why are they consulting the Shallah? Is there a regular occurence? Is it in response to some event? What are the stakes?

2) You need to develop the setting and characters more:

Ok, so its a tribe, in a circle around a fire, Where are they? In their village? At some holy site? Is it warm out/cold out? It is the middle of a moonless night? Dusk? Mid-day. What do any of the characters look like? What are the scribes scribbling on? How many scribes are there?

3) You may need a POV:


At the moment, you are sort of 'looking down on the action' like a fly on the wall. You are describing the events and the reactions, and having to occasionally jerk out of the story to explain a bit of background. This would be far easier to describe as it the Shaman were perceiving it. Or some other character. Maybe a young scribe witnessing the ritual for the first time. Then they can emotionally react to what is being said. They can observe that the Shallah is behaving like their 'host' based on their knowledge of that person's personality.

And their emotions can set some of the mood that will be needed to satisfy #1

4) The conversation itself probably shouldn't lead with semantics:


Or if it does, again there should be a lot more set up and POV surrounding it, and perhaps exasperation or confusion on the part of whatever character is perceiving the action.

To me, they should either be consulting the Shallah to gain the answer to some immediately pressing threat, or they should be consulting the Shallah as part of some normal ritual, but something unexpected happens and portends an impending crisis. And the conversation should either be a short one, or the introduction should be the ritual and the reason for it, while the actual conversation could be in a subsequent chapter.

[Stonehenge]

thanks for the awesome advice. I can see where you are coming from with all of your suggestions and will definitely implement them.

[protoclave]

I like how you tell more than show... I honestly do. and you seem to show at crucial points. but you need to do more telling when you tell and more showing when you show.

Because when you show it emphasizes to me what you want us to understand and feel. but the thing is you don't add enough detail in your showing. like im confused at who the main character is and who is talking when. also I would like details on senses, scenery, habits, memories, emotion and thoughts. not just verbalization. Not just events. But walk us through those crucial events.

let us live out your character when you want us to and, control how you do this.

also each detail you omit, tell, and show tells us about your characters (and your writing style).

"I am not a serial killer" and "Red mars" are good books that with your story showed me this. because I recalled how these authors did this. Wells showed us without us visually being there. Robinson likes to tell alot but when he shows he shows it well. another author who did this well was terry goodkind. His books are bad but when he does the voice of the little girl you can completely tell its a different character. all his other character sound like richard though. It might be an inaccurate depiction of a little girl ( i have no idea im a man) but you can tell its not richard. Thats by far the genius i found with goodkind.

Also you need to start with showing. Because its a story we have to empathize right away with the mc. (i dunno maybe it works for you) those are my personal lessons from your writing.)

i like what you have revealed about the people talking. I use to be able to be conscious when i was dreaming so i can emphathize with who ever is saying that. Its exhilarating. But maybe you want to keep mystery for the reader at knowing whos talking like card does within ender's game. This can add to the feel of a dahla lama type figure but we need to be able to tell whos talking when. not sure how to achieve this. as to im figuring it out myself.

also I like your story its tells me this is a story of some kind of dahlia lama type of character and his rise to being that figure.

I agree with nev you should make this a first person story. Though I disagree with starting with action. Start with your tribal meeting but make it more interesting. find a way to pull us in. Either through verbalization or through something interesting. It doesn't have to be action but should create tension. I have no idea how to do that with a tribal meeting but Patterson in his course advertisement talks about how he found the premise "The day I died I" he found that interesting. and it is interesting because it tells us what this story is about. I have no idea what your story is about from the first paragraph as nev said. but as you read more you assume its about someones rise to become a dalia lama type figure and the trials they experience.
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also i would like to see more, right now its like a portion of a first chapter. but I would like to see more chapters more words. more to the story. sanderson and wells says in writing excuses that its easier to judge a story once its complete. (that goes for others as well as for yourself.) Chapters can range between 1200 - 7000 depending on what your trying to achieve. writing more i hear will tell you what each length does. I haven't written enough to learn this lesson so i can't speak on it. but id like to see more im interested in your character.

This post has been edited by protoclave: 30 December 2015 - 06:00 PM

[Stonehenge]

thank you for the feedback proto. the dalia lama was where I got some of the inspiration for the story and I think it is great that you saw that. unfortunately I haven't written a lot more of this story as I've had other things occupying my time. hopefully i can get back to it and then I would be happy to post more.