[Maximiljen]

Hello, everyone!
Sorry to bother, I don't even know if I'm breaking any forum section rules (and if I do, please don't ban me), and if this isn't the right section of the forums, please move the thread... anyways here goes:

I am an amateur writer, been writing detective and noir short stories in my native language until a couple of years ago, but right now I've been shifting interests to Fantasy. Erikson and a couple other fellows are to be blamed for this. What I want to ask you is this:

first of all: is there anyone curious and with enough spare time to read a short text? I'd like to know if what I sketched so far is worth anything, in terms of style and flow. The links are at the bottom of the thread.
second: is there a digital artist around who would like to try its hand in drawing an unknown writer's sequences? I wouldn't even call them stories yet, but to be honest, if someone gave me a drawing or a piece of digital art I liked, I would love to write something around it. It's good practice. So in short, I am asking if someone would draw something for me, IF and only IF they have a feel for my stories. That means you should at least try and read them )

Not worth saying I'd do the same if one of you asked me to wrap a story around a character they drew and couldn't find a tale for him/her.
One last thing: my influences gravitate around and through pulp novels, film noir, western spaghetti, Akira Kurosawa and Epic/Dark Fantasy novels.

Thanks in advance for your patience to read this far, and if you do want to ask me more questions, please shoot.

Here are the links!

Opening in Nihur
https://drive.google...iew?usp=sharing

Mad King
https://drive.google...iew?usp=sharing

Yours, Max.

[Whisperzzzzzzz]

I've just read the opening in Nihur and I liked it! I'm on my phone, so I can't type up my criticisms, but there weren't that many anyway.

[Aptorian]

Just read the first couple of pages of The Mad King. I have no idea where it was going but it was quite enjoyable. And horrifying.

[Esa1996]

Read the Mad King up to the "Later That Day". It's actually pretty good. Pretty funny also. No idea where it's going to lead, but I even had my first (and only) theory pop up in my mind while reading! Said theory is that the king planted the vial of poison on the guard while stabbing him. Why? No idea. Reason for the theory? He couldn't have known about the vial unless he placed it there himself.

Only criticism is near the beginning. This sentence (apart from being very long, which didn't bother me) Renin, was sitting in the chair with his legs crossed, wearing only -­ and I beg the reader apologies for this rather.. naked description of events -­ his crown. Personally I dislike it when the narrator becomes easily "visible". The part between the lines is one such part. Another example is in The Hobbit when Bilbo thinks that he shouldn't have left the Shire, and then the narrator tells the reader "He didn't think it for the last time", or something similar. I had problems with Toll the Hounds for the same exact reason. Of course, this is just my personal opinion, but I think that it breaks the immersion and it would be better if the narrator didn't get quite so visible.

I don't know whether talking about a "visible" narrator is how you do it in English but that's what we talk about it in Finnish so it's a direct translation.

[Maximiljen]

Hello, people!

Thanks for your opinions and the effort you took to reading my texts!
I should come up with a few explanations, just to make clear the context.

Both samples are first drafts and I agree they would do well with some serious editing. I just wanted to know if it's 4th grade storytelling or something that can be turned into a readable fantasy story )
The "Mad King" sequence was written one day when I had this idea about a tragic character, a young king who, in order to consolidate his hold on the kingdom, decides to act like a madman. The poison was planted by the king on the killed soldier, but it was done because Bryn had approached the said soldier and found him treacherous. So the king decides to make an example out of him, kills him and places the poison to somehow balance the gruesome slaying.
And about the author's voice, as I wrote, I imagined the story to be a part of a larger tale. So the author is actually another character who tells the tale of the mad king Renin. Something like Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. Obviously, such a story should have been and is biased: the storyteller leaves his mark and chooses sides.

That's about it for now, if you guys have the time to finish the samples maybe you'd get a bigger picture out of it.
Anyways, THANKS again!

[Nevyn]

I think both stories are potentially good set ups and you are good and drawing attention and setting an atmosphere.

But yeah, there is a lot of editing needed.

In Nihur, I feel like you got caught in an information dump right out of the gate. You're establishing the mood and the setting. You don't necessarily have to explain how he got the job right away. And you certainly don't have to explain that the bartender is the owner. Start with the name of the person and have the rest get revealed by the story. You are going first person, which is tricky, because it is like an inner monologue.

In a similar vein, the prose style needs to stay even as you recount the action. Right now you have some of it very colloquial, but then you get formal sentences like "That evening when I arrived, I got involved in a tavern fight."

Finally, while you explained a lot, you didn't really get in to why he takes the job. You set up that he hates the city, but then you make it seem like he has stayed for the job. But the pay isn't good and he thinks the bar is a rathole. Feels a bit uneven.


The Mad King is probably a bit closer along, but while it should stay third person, it may help the style a bit to follow the point of view of one of the characters. It lets you have them react to what they see and hear and drive the action through them.

Just my 0.02

[Andorion]

I liked both. The Mad King in particular


In Nihur I think you need to smoothen you prose style. The tone you are adopting, the first person PoV needs to be laconic, short, terse sentences and not so much information.

In the Mad King, I thnk a lot of editing is required, specifically for those parts with dialogue in them

[killian]

Hey, I checked it out and it's pretty good

I'm new to the site so i dont know how to make a topic or forum and I found thread so i thought i should try it.

I'm also working on my story and I would like it if you guys would check it out (https://ethialdor.wordpress.com/). So far i'm using the blog to post some excerpts that i've written so far and I hope you guys will like what you're seeing. feel free to make drawings if you like as long as you give a citation for the source material

p.s. I also post random thoughts and art on my blog but you can find the story under the tags 'artemis' or 'torros'

Thank you

[Aptorian]

I read the Gods and Men (A Dance of Death) excerpt. It was decidedly not for me. I don't know if I would outright call it all bad but the prose, the choice of words to describe behavior, appearance, etc. was reminiscent of the kind of writing I'd expect to find in a Twilight inspired novel for younger girls.

Which begs the question, who is the target audience for this story? If you're writing Young Adult fiction I could see its merit, maybe, but for an adult audience this did not appeal to me at all.

You reveal too much when you not only describe the action but also the intention. Like for example:

Quote

With a sudden jolt of energy both Artemis and Torros pounced at each other. In a blur of movement that masked carefully performed blows, parries, deflections, and lunges they launched at each other with ferocity.

If we were to compare this sentence to something Erikson would write. The subtlety would be in letting the reader guess or know, whether or not the exchange between the two fighters is skilled or not, with out actually stating this outright. It's the difference between writting for a younger/less clever audience and an older/more mature audience.

Also there is a decidedly erotic and slightly nauseating undertone in these two passages:

Quote

“There’s nothing friendly about this,” remarked Emir, greedily draining the contents of the large wooden pitcher in his hands, licking his lips and beaming with satisfaction when no more of the burning sweet mead flowed from the cup to his mouth. “If they continue like this, there will be a funeral soon.”

Quote

While Artemis was cat like in the way she moved, skittish, unpredictable, and quick and light on her feet, Torros was more like a snake. His movement was hypnotic and deliberate, yet he had the capacity to spring into sudden movement, just like an elastic band. Even his eyes were snake-like. He blinked slowly and gracefully, violet-blue slit pupils in sharp contrast with the white of his eyes moving mesmerizingly. Dragon’s eyes. Artemis could not help but notice how beautiful his eyes were, there was something about the way the tendrils shot out by the black slit pupils snaked their way through the violet blue abyss. Could it be? No, it couldn’t. Yes, it could and so it was. The black tendrils emanating from the pupils get more and more pronounced and they moved in an odd thunder-like pattern. She could not help herself, she could not tear her gaze from the violet prison. She felt rush of adrenalin as though she was in danger, but trepidation filled her for she was helpless. She could not stop looking into those beautify eyes. Why should she? For where else would she gaze upon such beauty? Yet she still felt like she was in danger…

I mean, I bet there are about a million 50 Shades of Gray readers out there that would pay for this, but from my perspective you are about a few adjectives away from writing soft porn disguised as romance.

If I was a modern woman I might be slightly insulted by the tropes you're building into this female character. Furthermore if I was Sigmund Freud I am pretty sure I would interpret the character Torros' description as being a sexual metaphor for a Penis.

This post has been edited by Apt: 26 October 2016 - 02:10 PM