Konan and Lickety Split Nick pelted after the man at full speed. The man they were chasing carried a briefcase against his chest. That must be where he kept the pizza. Well, he wouldn't get away from them now.
"Hood's milk in a cup," Lickety Split Nick swore.
Konan looked up to see their quarry climbing a drain pipe to the roof of a nearby building. They'd lose him quick if they didn't follow.
"Okay, how but some magic," Lickety Split Nick said. "I'll make myself invisible, so he won't see when I sneak up behind him. And I'll make you lighter, so you can jump and float straight up to the top of that building."
"Fine," said Konan.
"All right, it's ready." Lickety Split Nick had suddenly disappeared next to him. "Now jump on up there, I'll climb up right after you."
Konan took a great running leap, flew high into the air, andsmashed into the side of the brick building five feet short of the roof. Dazed, the assassin slid down, but only to land on a fire escape. Konan regained his bearings and climbed the rest of the way to the roof.
"There he goes," said Lickety Split Nick's voice from beside him. Konan saw the pizza man a few roofs over.
After a daring chase across the rooftops, which resulted in only two broken bones on Konan's part, they finally came to a roof and saw that their target had paused on an adjacent building.
***
Fallick Tom crouched at the edge of the roof when he heard a low voice call to him from below.
"Psst! Fallick! It's me, Outlet."
"Oh, hi, Professor."
"Uh, hi. Listen, we've got those two creeps surrounded. You can go home, Fallick. We'll show these guys what's what. Mess with one of us, and you mess with all of us, right?"
"Sure," Fallick Tom replied.
"Okay, go get some rest," Outlet said from below. "Make sure to check them obituary pages for two economics board members tomorrow morning, eh?"
***
Archivist Baloop was watching his computer screen. He was flying his remote control toy helicopter over the city tonight, and he'd hooked up a camera to it, which displayed its recordings on his monitor. Usually he used this device to spy on Councilmen (and their wives) or other such endeavors, though recently he'd tried to see inside Goon's Pawn with it. Tonight, though, something was wrong. Baloop could tell something important was going to happen in the city tonight. So, here he sat, hands at the controls of his toy helicopter, eyes watching his computer monitor for anything that might be awry.
Suddenly, figures appeared on the screen. They were falling from the sky! Slowly descending, Baloop amended, as he watched the figures drift down to the rooftops below. They were each clutching an open umbrella. The camera suddenly jerked and the image turned to gray snow. One of the figures had grabbed his helicopter.
***
"Something's not right, dammit," Konan hissed. "Come on, Lickety Split. Let's get out of here, fast."
"Hang on," said the mage's voice. "I sense something coming."
"In that case, we should definitely get out of"
But men were climbing up over the edge of the roof all around them now. Men in suits. Damn. It seemed as though the pizza man had friends. Were they all rogue pizza delivery men?
They lunged forward as one, all twelve of them, but before Konan could blink they were being slaughtered by yet another group of people, this one descending from the sky on umbrellas. The assassin squinted. They were Teeste Andiii!.
A battle erupted on the rooftop around them. Teeste Andiii fought rogue pizza delivery men, and there was mayhem on all sides. Lickety Split Nick was nowhere to be seen, the bastard.
A Teeste Andiii turned to Konan and advanced on him. Swearing, the assassin pulled out a dagger, only to fumble and drop it. He bent to retrieve it just as the Teeste Andiii swung a sword through the space where Konan's head had been a moment before. He sprang back up and stabbed the Teeste Andiii in the eye. Blood and guts spilled out, a massive deluge of gore and gray brain matter, bits of organs and bone, stomach acid and intestinal fluid, all soaking the front of Konan's Hawaiian shirt.
He turned just in time to parry the attack from a pizza man. Konan sliced low, cutting open the man's stomach. Every organ the man possessed spilled out onto the rooftop, but the man fought on. Konan grabbed the pizza guy's intestines and wrapped them around the man's neck, strangling the hapless fellow with them.
Konan looked around him. The fight seemed to have moved on, spread out onto the adjacent rooftops.
"Lickety Split? Where are you?"
No answer.
"Aw, man."
***
Fallick Tom crouched motionless on his own rooftop, too entranced by the battle to move. Suddenly, he heard a small footfall behind him. He wheeled around. Instinct alone made him open his briefcase and pull out the standard economics professor issue crossbow. He spun and fired, killing the man behind him instantly.
"Oops," Fallick said, as the elderly mayor of the Karu District dropped dead with a bolt in his forehead.
"What's going on over here?" a voice said. Outlet.
"I'm, uh, fine, Professor," Fallick Tom said. "Just killed one of the bastards myself."
He hastily picked up the body of the mayor and threw it off the roof as Outlet stepped into view.
"We're pulling out," the professor said. "We're only teachers, for Hood's sake. We don't get paid enough for this. Come on, Fallick. I've already told the others to retreat. Let's get going."
***
He avoided the tripwire this time, and then Crapsalar was in. In the girl's bedroom, which he had visited once, what seemed so long ago. Wendy D'Arle was sleeping again, which was good. She was naked again, too, which was even better.
Crapsalar hurried toward the bed, but he tripped over her bundled clothes and fell face first onto the bed right next to her. She woke up instantly.
"Thief!" she cried.
"No, wait," Crapsalar said, holding up his hands in defense. "I brought the paperclip back."
"Oh," Wendy D'Arle said. "Well, in that case, put it back where it was."
Crapsalar did so. He returned to the bed and sprawled out next to the maiden's naked body.
"I also wanted to say that I didn't post the pictures on Facebook," Crapsalar said.
"What pictures?"
"The ones I took of you naked."
"Oh, you malodorous pervert!" Wendy shrieked.
"I also have to say that I'll marry you one day," Crapsalar continued.
"Wait, what?" Wendy asked. "Who the hell are you?"
"I know things now. I'm smart. The Jagoots are called the Shurl now, but not really."
"What? Listen, get out of my room, you idiot."
"There's also a Jagoot tyrant thing buried in the Adobe Flash Hills."
"What's your name, anyway?" the D'Arle maiden asked.
"Crapsalar." He stared at her for a moment longer. "So, you wanna do it, or…?"
"Guards!" Wendy D'Arle cried out. "Guards!"
Crapsalar swore and dashed out through the balcony window again. He could still hear Wendy calling behind him. "Guards! There's a burglar pervert guy in my room! Guards!"
Well, that hadn't worked out quite how he'd planned. Too bad he'd forgotten the ball gag and the rope. Oh, well. There was always next time.
***
Konan was still looking around for Lickety Split Nick when the mage appeared before him, not ten feet away, struggling to fight a pizza man to the ground.
"AndIwantextracheese!" Lickety Split was screaming, punching the man full in the face between each word. Finally, the delivery man was dead.
"Well, that's the last of them," Lickety Split Nick said. "No pizza for us tonight, I guess."
"Behind you!" Konan cried. Five Teeste Andiii had appeared on the rooftop, umbrellas in hand.
"Go on, Konan," Lickety Split said. "I'll stall 'em."
"Fine," said the assassin, diving head first off the rooftop.
***
Lickety Split Nick pulled a small vial from his back pocket. It was a wonder he hadn't broken it yet. He threw it to the ground, releasing the demon within.
"You are not Master Tastechicken," the demon said, upon seeing Lickety Split Nick.
"Yes I am."
"No you're not."
"Yeah huh."
"Nuh uh."
"Fine, I'm just his friend," Lickety Split said. "I need you to kill those five Teeste Andiii over there."
"Very well. My name is Earl. What is yours?"
Lickety Split Nick hesitated for a moment. "Nick Adenoid Dollop. You'd better hurry, Earl. There's more Teeste Andiii coming."
They looked up in the sky to see more shapes descending from umbrellas. And, there was one more among them. This one descended from a parachute, and he was, for some reason, completely naked below the waist.
"Do you see that last one, Nick Adenoid Dollop?" the demon asked. "You send me to my death."
"Better you than me," the mage said, then he jumped off the roof to join Konan.
***
Fallick Tom trudged slowly home. Outlet had gone to see Professor Dvorkin, the President of the University of Phoenix campus in Karugyzstan herself. Fallick didn't envy Outlet that conversation.
"Oh, hi, Mrs. President. Yeah, about tonight. Sorry, I killed off half our macro economics department. Won't happen again!
Hood's blimp, Fallick would probably be in trouble, too. He was the reason the macros had joined the fight in the first place, after all.
He approached the entrance to the University of Phoenix and saw Crapsalar approaching from the opposite direction. Well, there was someone he could bully, at least.
Fallick Tom rushed over and grabbed Crapsalar, dragging the boy into the nearby alley. He slammed the lad against a wall.
"Stop being a thief!" Fallick yelled. "It's too dangerous. There's assassins and things out there tonight. Stop being reckless. Okay, now give me your lunch money, you little punk!"
***
Anomander Hoe sheathed his sword and shivered. The idiots should have known he'd been sleeping and wouldn't have time to fully dress. He wished he'd chosen his pajamas with the feet for this night.
"I believe we have lost some of our warriors," Hoe said, looking around at the Teeste Andiii gathered about on the rooftop. "She-rat. Tell me, how many have we lost? Does Brother Orfantal still live?"
"She does," She-rat replied. "She's right over there. We have lost four tonight, my lord."
"Well, that's not too bad then, eh? Come on, we'll go back up to Goon's Pawn and have a little party. Orfantal, my good man, break out the drinks up there, will you?"
"Aye, my lord," the woman replied.
"I'll follow you in a bit," Anomander Hoe said. "I have a little matter to attend to first."
He left the rooftop as the other Teeste Andiii floated into the sky behind him, rising up on their umbrellas.
***
Konan and Lickety Split Nick returned to the hotel room to find Vodkajoe and the squad sitting around the television. Snotts was playing a video game.
"Damn campers," the Barfmask warrior yelled. "Team killing pieces of sh"
"Ah, you're back," Vodkajoe said, sitting with his legs up in a reclining chair. "Did you get the pizzas?"
"No," Lickety Split Nick moaned. "The pizza delivery guys turned on us and tried to kill us. Then some Teeste Andiii floated down from the sky and tried to kill them. Then they tried to kill us too. So we sent a demon to kill them. But they killed it. Then we left and came here."
"Hood-damned stupid son of a bitch team killers!" Snotts screamed at the TV. "I'll own you all, you noobie pieces of motherless"
"So, what do we do now?" Vodkajoe asked. "That pizza… It's so delicious…"
"I know, Sergeant," Lickety Split Nick said. "We still have that deal with Shallowthrone. Maybe he'll think of something and come through. That's all we've got for now, I'm afraid."
"Damn you to hell, you spawn camping retards!" Snotts yelled. "Stupid son of a bitch bastard turds!" He hurled the controller at the TV, smashing the screen.
***
There was a knock at the door, and Archivist Baloop looked up from his desk. A visitor? At this hour? They knocked again.
"Who is it?" Baloop asked.
"It's me."
"Come in, then," Baloop said.
Lord Anomander Hoe walked in, a still-open parachute strapped to his back, the baggy end of it trailing out into the hall, down the stairs, then out the front door and halfway down the street. The Son of Dorkness carried a smashed toy helicopter. Something else was wrong, too…
"Hood's blimp, you're not wearing any pants. Uh, my lord."
"God lord, no," Hoe replied. "I like a nice breeze at night. This yours?" He held up the mangled ruin of the helicopter.
"Yes, yes," Baloop said, grabbing the toy and throwing it in a corner. "We need to talk. The Marzipans plan to unleash a Jagoot tyrant of unspeakable power on the city."
"Indeed? How interesting."
"Interesting?" Baloop said. "Well, I suppose. But it will kill us all, Hoe! Destroy the city and everyone in it! That Jagoot has the power to destroy this entire continent if left unchecked."
"Well, it's not a very nice continent, at least," Anomander Hoe said.
"Dammit, Hoe," Baloop said. "We need your help!"
The Teeste Andiii lord blinked. "My help? What do you want me to do? Fight the thing for you?"
"Well, yes, if we can't stop the Empire from freeing"
"Ah, don't sweat it," Hoe said, dismissing Baloop's comment with a wave of his hand.
"So you'll help us?"
"Of course not," Anomander Hoe said. "But don't sweat it, 'cause you'll get all stinky if you do."
***
Krepe woke from his latest sleepwalk to find himself a few thousand yards outside Karugyzstan's Marsh Gate. He looked around and saw a familiar fire nearby. D'rul's fire.
The Elder God was taking LSD when Krepe approached.
"Drop some acid, man?" D'rul offered as Krepe sat beside him.
"No, thank you," Krepe said. "D'rul, strange things are happening in the city these days. Any idea what's going on?"
"Sure, friend, sure. The Son of Dorkness is here, man."
"The Lord of Goon's Pawn?" Krepe asked. "In the city? Where?"
"In it. Around it. Above it. If ya know what I mean." D'rul winked.
"Not really," Krepe replied. "What else?"
"Something's stirring in the Adobe Flash Hills. Something nasty."
"A Jagoot tyrant is buried there, I believe."
"Out of sight!" D'rul said. "Well, that's all right then. That's all I know."
The Elder God vanished, leaving Krepe alone by the fire.
This post has been edited by Anomander Hoe: 09 February 2014 - 10:31 PM