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Ama's Post of Intro Goodness:
Well, I finally did it. I finally finished The Infernal City, (the "Elder Scrolls" novel - that's in quotation marks for a reason) after dragging my heels for a year. And I read it all the way through. Please pity me. This would be in the Featured Reviews forum, but it is not great literature. Ever. OHGODMYBRAIN
And you know what? A simple review does not do this novel justice. It took me two days to get through this 288 page novel, because I kept having to put it down in order to bitch at the world about it. I don't do that. I never do that (with the exception of Dan Brown's stuff). So what is it about this novel that annoys me so much?
Up until now, I clawed onto one particular plot point of this novel, and if you know me, you know how much I hate it. For your convenience I'm going to hold off on that rant until I get to that part of the book. But I'd hoped that there was a good reason for that plot point. Some interesting story to go with it. Or at least an entertaining one. And...it's not. Not really.
Now, I haven't read anything else by this author, so I don't really know his style. Maybe he's much better than this. I haven't read any other game books, either. Maybe they're all like this, reading like they were pushed out far too quickly. The KotOR II of books, as it were.
God, I hope not.
Oh, and I'd just like to state that this is a review, analysis, and probably a parody work by the time I'm done. It's also all my own opinion. The Infernal City belongs to Greg Keyes and Bethesda, and I don't mean any insult to either in what I'm about to type. Bethesda's a fantastic game studio, and I'm sure Greg Keys is a much better author when he's not working under a "get this book out before Skyrim" deadline. This is all in good fun, and a chance to get it off my chest. And yes, I mocking it chapter by chapter, along with appropriate pictures and video. Because I may or may not have a life.
So go check out a copy of your own and read along, because there's no way I'm doing this alone. *rolls up sleeves to prepare first chapter*
(Note: I originally started this review before Skyrim came out, so there may be a few out-of-place references. I'm also cleaning it up a bit for this new reposting.)
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The Infernal City (A chapter-by-chapter review) (pleasekillmenow)
#2
Amadaun 
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Posted 31 August 2013 - 07:32 AM
Prologue -
Our book opens on a ship at sea. The wind has died and the ocean is mysteriously starting to roll. The captain knows that something is wrong.
The wind had already fallen like a dead thing from the sky, gasping as it succumbed upon the iron swells, breathing its last to his mariner's ears.
And here's the first of my problems with this book. It edges dangerously close to purple prose in some places and honestly jumps headlong in at others. For those of you who don't know what that is, let me quote Wikipedia: "Purple prose is a term of literary criticism used to describe passages, or sometimes entire literary works, written in prose so overly extravagant, ornate, or flowery as to break the flow and draw attention to itself. Purple prose is sensually evocative beyond the requirements of its context."
And this is what we have here. The wind died and there was an unnatural calm. We can work with that. Succumbing upon iron swells, however, is way over the top. Not to mention, the action is obviously about to start, and we're reading long, droning sentences. Long, droning sentences are for reviews like mine. Action, or building up to action, should be written in shorter, more exciting sentences. Words that slow the eye slow the action.
This, dear audience, was when I started clearing a spot on my desk for my head.
This, dear audience, is the second sentence.
*sob*
Anyway, it continues with some talk amongst the crew – I don't really care about the brief descriptions or names since they're all about to die, anyway (no, seriously.) And then they see something come out of the clouds. With a huge noise, a gust of wind snaps the mast. And the first minor character dies, blown away with it.
This happens a lot. In fact, you know what? We'll count. We'll even be nice and count only the named ones, because otherwise we'll be here all day.
Minor character deaths: 1
Allrighty then. Onward. "The sea doesn't care," Iffech said, watching the dark mass move towards them. He looked around his ship. All of the masts were broken, and it appeared that half the crew was already gone.
"What?"
"Not many Khajiit take to the sea," he said. "They'll bear it for trade, to move skooma around, but few there are who love it. But I've adored her since I could mewl..."
Wait wait waitwaitwait! Stop the onward! Stop the onward!
What the hell? What the flaming hell?
Dude! Your masts are gone. Half your crew is dead. You're probably next. And this is your reaction?
I don't understand. Maybe he's aware of the fact he's an extra. Maybe he's actually an automaton. Okay, yeah, I'm gonna go with that last one. Iffech here (yes, that's his name – no, that's not a Khajiiti name – yes, he's a Khajiit – maybe his mother choked up a hairball when she got to his name and that's what he was saddled with) is a Khajiit-bot. And thus is incapable of emotion. Like his crew. Because they're not having any realistic reactions, either.
Seriously, if you've got a better reason for why he's standing there and talking about how much he loves the sea in the middle of a crisis, I'd love to hear it. I'm pretty sure most captains would be, oh, yelling orders and trying to get the hell out of there or something silly like that. Why are we wasting time on descriptions of the crew's hair and talking about the sea when death itself is literally bearing down on them? They should be yelling, screaming, soaked with spray, cursing or praying, and pulling out the oars in a desperate attempt to get anywhere but where they are!
"What are you going on about?"
The other characters don't get it either! I am vindicated!
"I'm not sure," he admitted.
I've gone from vindicated to annoyed.
I don't know why that was put in, the characters don't know why that was put in, and I highly suspect the author doesn't know why it was put in. That makes this scene – say it with me – entirely pointless.
350px-Pointless_Alistair_Armstrong.jpg (20.56K)
Number of downloads: 2
And on a more serious, technical note, this is our first view of the City. Unfortunately, there is no panic. There is little fear. There's a lot of talking. And all we know is that it's a fat cone and it stinks. Somehow I'm not getting the feeling that I need to be worried about this thing. However, I am thinking of several very rude, misplaced, likely scatological jokes.
Oh, and then they all die. Big surprise.
Minor character deaths: 3
The scene then changes to a guy named Sul waking up in the Lank Fellow Inn in Chorrol. Now, I'm not going to complain about the name here. Yes, that inn doesn't exist in the Oblivion game, but it has been forty years. That sort of thing changes. But I'd also believe that one of the two inns in the game were still around. And it's always good to drop familiar names in an already created world. Still, as I said, time has passed. And different names are a good way of showing that.
On the other hand: "Lank Fellow Inn" is a really dumb name. And...um...kinda crude, honestly. Would you stay at an inn that seems to promise erectile dysfunction?
Sul – a Dunmer, by the by, though for some reason I thought he was a Khajiit for the longest time – has woken up screaming. He then grabs for his sword when someone comes to check on him. And amazingly, the...innkeeper, I guess, lives through the scene.
Sul's not sure where he is, though it's never explained if he's just disoriented, or if he's literally dropped from nowhere. This is not such a strange thought, as you'll see later. The previous scene was a dream of his, sent to him by Azura, apparently. The thing in the sky stinks of Oblivion, and he mentions a name. Vuhon.
Must be our bad guy, but all we get is the name. Therefore Sul must be our mysterious mentor character who knows more than he lets on, and maybe dies in a heroic sacrifice before the end of the story, leaving the younger heroes to struggle through on their own. Oh goody.
LPMjw.gif (1022.08K)
Number of downloads: 2
A quick note here. This scene talks about two different princes. The Daedric Prince Azura and the human prince Attrebus. An easy way to keep from confusing the two would be to capitalize 'Prince' for Azura, right? In the game, Daedric Princes are always capitalized, so the precedent is set. Simple. But Sul only does that once. In fact, the first time he uses the word, uncapitalized, I honestly thought he was talking about Attrebus. I should not have to nitpick grammar on a published author.
Also in this scene, we get the first hint of the complete and utter washing away of the third Elder Scrolls game. Again, the rant will wait. And build.
And build.
*snarl*
But Sul has questions about his dream, not knowing where the ship was wrecked, nor who the young man he saw at the end was. However, luckily, Azura has been working hard on Her Deus ex Machina muscles and not only can send out dreams, She can also send appropriately titled books! One is TALES OF SOUTHERN WATERS (no, I'm not adding excessive capitalization), and the other is THE MOST CURRENT AND HIGH ADVENTURES OF PRINCE ATTREBUS.
So therefore, the City is to the south, and the man is Prince Attrebus! Wow! Hints dropped neatly into his lap with only a little looking! It's like a bad puzzle game!
Oh...wait.
An hour later, armed and armored, he rode south and east, towards madness, retribution, and death.
Isn't it nice when the book gives us a warning before we begin? Heedlessly, however, I push on.
Our book opens on a ship at sea. The wind has died and the ocean is mysteriously starting to roll. The captain knows that something is wrong.
The wind had already fallen like a dead thing from the sky, gasping as it succumbed upon the iron swells, breathing its last to his mariner's ears.
And here's the first of my problems with this book. It edges dangerously close to purple prose in some places and honestly jumps headlong in at others. For those of you who don't know what that is, let me quote Wikipedia: "Purple prose is a term of literary criticism used to describe passages, or sometimes entire literary works, written in prose so overly extravagant, ornate, or flowery as to break the flow and draw attention to itself. Purple prose is sensually evocative beyond the requirements of its context."
And this is what we have here. The wind died and there was an unnatural calm. We can work with that. Succumbing upon iron swells, however, is way over the top. Not to mention, the action is obviously about to start, and we're reading long, droning sentences. Long, droning sentences are for reviews like mine. Action, or building up to action, should be written in shorter, more exciting sentences. Words that slow the eye slow the action.
This, dear audience, was when I started clearing a spot on my desk for my head.
This, dear audience, is the second sentence.
*sob*
Anyway, it continues with some talk amongst the crew – I don't really care about the brief descriptions or names since they're all about to die, anyway (no, seriously.) And then they see something come out of the clouds. With a huge noise, a gust of wind snaps the mast. And the first minor character dies, blown away with it.
This happens a lot. In fact, you know what? We'll count. We'll even be nice and count only the named ones, because otherwise we'll be here all day.
Minor character deaths: 1
Allrighty then. Onward. "The sea doesn't care," Iffech said, watching the dark mass move towards them. He looked around his ship. All of the masts were broken, and it appeared that half the crew was already gone.
"What?"
"Not many Khajiit take to the sea," he said. "They'll bear it for trade, to move skooma around, but few there are who love it. But I've adored her since I could mewl..."
Wait wait waitwaitwait! Stop the onward! Stop the onward!
What the hell? What the flaming hell?
Dude! Your masts are gone. Half your crew is dead. You're probably next. And this is your reaction?
I don't understand. Maybe he's aware of the fact he's an extra. Maybe he's actually an automaton. Okay, yeah, I'm gonna go with that last one. Iffech here (yes, that's his name – no, that's not a Khajiiti name – yes, he's a Khajiit – maybe his mother choked up a hairball when she got to his name and that's what he was saddled with) is a Khajiit-bot. And thus is incapable of emotion. Like his crew. Because they're not having any realistic reactions, either.
Seriously, if you've got a better reason for why he's standing there and talking about how much he loves the sea in the middle of a crisis, I'd love to hear it. I'm pretty sure most captains would be, oh, yelling orders and trying to get the hell out of there or something silly like that. Why are we wasting time on descriptions of the crew's hair and talking about the sea when death itself is literally bearing down on them? They should be yelling, screaming, soaked with spray, cursing or praying, and pulling out the oars in a desperate attempt to get anywhere but where they are!
"What are you going on about?"
The other characters don't get it either! I am vindicated!
"I'm not sure," he admitted.
I've gone from vindicated to annoyed.
I don't know why that was put in, the characters don't know why that was put in, and I highly suspect the author doesn't know why it was put in. That makes this scene – say it with me – entirely pointless.
350px-Pointless_Alistair_Armstrong.jpg (20.56K)
Number of downloads: 2
And on a more serious, technical note, this is our first view of the City. Unfortunately, there is no panic. There is little fear. There's a lot of talking. And all we know is that it's a fat cone and it stinks. Somehow I'm not getting the feeling that I need to be worried about this thing. However, I am thinking of several very rude, misplaced, likely scatological jokes.
Oh, and then they all die. Big surprise.
Minor character deaths: 3
The scene then changes to a guy named Sul waking up in the Lank Fellow Inn in Chorrol. Now, I'm not going to complain about the name here. Yes, that inn doesn't exist in the Oblivion game, but it has been forty years. That sort of thing changes. But I'd also believe that one of the two inns in the game were still around. And it's always good to drop familiar names in an already created world. Still, as I said, time has passed. And different names are a good way of showing that.
On the other hand: "Lank Fellow Inn" is a really dumb name. And...um...kinda crude, honestly. Would you stay at an inn that seems to promise erectile dysfunction?
Sul – a Dunmer, by the by, though for some reason I thought he was a Khajiit for the longest time – has woken up screaming. He then grabs for his sword when someone comes to check on him. And amazingly, the...innkeeper, I guess, lives through the scene.
Sul's not sure where he is, though it's never explained if he's just disoriented, or if he's literally dropped from nowhere. This is not such a strange thought, as you'll see later. The previous scene was a dream of his, sent to him by Azura, apparently. The thing in the sky stinks of Oblivion, and he mentions a name. Vuhon.
Must be our bad guy, but all we get is the name. Therefore Sul must be our mysterious mentor character who knows more than he lets on, and maybe dies in a heroic sacrifice before the end of the story, leaving the younger heroes to struggle through on their own. Oh goody.
LPMjw.gif (1022.08K)
Number of downloads: 2
A quick note here. This scene talks about two different princes. The Daedric Prince Azura and the human prince Attrebus. An easy way to keep from confusing the two would be to capitalize 'Prince' for Azura, right? In the game, Daedric Princes are always capitalized, so the precedent is set. Simple. But Sul only does that once. In fact, the first time he uses the word, uncapitalized, I honestly thought he was talking about Attrebus. I should not have to nitpick grammar on a published author.
Also in this scene, we get the first hint of the complete and utter washing away of the third Elder Scrolls game. Again, the rant will wait. And build.
And build.
*snarl*
But Sul has questions about his dream, not knowing where the ship was wrecked, nor who the young man he saw at the end was. However, luckily, Azura has been working hard on Her Deus ex Machina muscles and not only can send out dreams, She can also send appropriately titled books! One is TALES OF SOUTHERN WATERS (no, I'm not adding excessive capitalization), and the other is THE MOST CURRENT AND HIGH ADVENTURES OF PRINCE ATTREBUS.
So therefore, the City is to the south, and the man is Prince Attrebus! Wow! Hints dropped neatly into his lap with only a little looking! It's like a bad puzzle game!
Oh...wait.
An hour later, armed and armored, he rode south and east, towards madness, retribution, and death.
Isn't it nice when the book gives us a warning before we begin? Heedlessly, however, I push on.
#3
Rictus
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Posted 31 August 2013 - 10:53 AM
Amadaun, on 31 August 2013 - 07:32 AM, said:
An hour later, armed and armored, he rode south and east, towards madness, retribution, and death.
And then http://www.youtube.c...h?v=18CGW9P5Y9M
I'm terribly sorry. Couldn't resist.
#4
birthSqueeze
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Posted 01 September 2013 - 05:18 AM
This is what happens when you really hate a book. Is it really necessary to dissect it chapter by chapter?
speculativefictionatitsbest.blogspot.com
#5
Silencer
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Interests:Malazan Book of the Fallen series.
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Programming.
Posted 01 September 2013 - 05:22 AM
birthSqueeze, on 01 September 2013 - 05:18 AM, said:
This is what happens when you really hate a book. Is it really necessary to dissect it chapter by chapter?
When it's this horribly atrocious and lore-breaking? Absolutely.
You probably need to have some investment in the Elder Scrolls games to get the hate for this book, though. >.>
***
Shinrei said:
<Vote Silencer> For not garnering any heat or any love for that matter. And I'm being serious here, it's like a mental block that is there, and you just keep forgetting it.
#6
Garak
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Posted 01 September 2013 - 08:52 AM
Oh God this book. Looking forward to your rant.
The meaning of life is BOOM!!!
#7
Amadaun
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Posted 03 September 2013 - 10:45 AM
birthSqueeze, on 01 September 2013 - 05:18 AM, said:
This is what happens when you really hate a book. Is it really necessary to dissect it chapter by chapter?
YES.
YES IT IS.
THE HATE...YOU DON"T UNDERSTAND THE HATE...BURNING OF A THOUSAND SUNS...
*cough*
Er...sorry...I had my rant caps on. But yes, this is the only way to make a 20000 word review acceptable.
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