[Orfantal]

Kelticat - well glad you're enjoying .. but let's see more of yours on here too

Dinivan - very glad you liked it, have to admit those first three lines were my favourite .. and the one you've pointed out wasn't intentionally meant to stand out, although for once I wasn't trying to stick to any structure I'll have to have a think about it again.

In the meantime here's one that's totally new, although I'm really not sure I like it

Conscience

You haunt my steps my sweet persistent shadow,
clutching at my ankles with determined hands.
Dragging through the dirt, badly torn and tattered
by the path that I have taken, abraded
in the passage of my life, yet unyielding.
Refusing to relinquish that steadfast grip
or abandon me at last to my choices.
Although I will not glance behind I feel you,
lurking there, an ever present warning note
of stern disapproval in your nagging voice
as the litany of my failings collects
like debris in my wake, echoing in pain.
Yet even though I will not acknowledge
all your harsh and galling words I cherish you
and hold you tightly to my heart, in some way
comforted, and strangely safe in your presence,
even as I continue on my wicked way.

[Orfantal]

Just written this since my last post ... seem to be on the dark path at the moment

Taken

I took your dreams my dear
And ground them underfoot
I took your screams of fear
And found in them a taste
Of pain that was soon compelling

I took your heart my sweet
And squeezed it for the juice
I took away it’s beat
Set that for my rhythm
And left you with a silent shell

I took away your life
And left you in the dust
I killed you with a knife
Once whetted on your trust
And let my tears mix with your blood

[Dinivan]

Just lovely, really lovely, it has a sweet flow to it - I also have some patch for the dark, i fear.

As critism is allowed

Quote

Set that for my rhythm

one line that bothered me a bit. What you think of

I took your heart my sweet
And squeezed it for the juice
I took away it’s beat
Adding to my cadence
And left you with a silent shell

Then the last time with its 8 syllables stands somewhat out. I think that can be left, since it's a complimentory thought, so standing out isn't bad. It leaves the reader a bit disturbed, because it pulls him out of the flow, which is also good (that he reconsiders some) the more I'm thinking about it the more I like it though I wanted to suggest to change that a bit :confused:

[Orfantal]

Dinivan - glad you like it, and criticism is more than allowed it's welcomed

I agre with the line you've mentioned, it's the one I liked least and will probably rethink it. As to the last line in each they're deliberately longer at 8 syllables, because it leaves a jarring effect, knocking the reader out of the flow and punctuating each stanza hopefully reinforcing the rest and making the reader think :0

[Dinivan]

Quote

because it leaves a jarring effect, knocking the reader out of the flow and punctuating each stanza hopefully reinforcing the rest and making the reader think

yeah that's good. I just came wondering. Strangely enough i didn't noticed it in the first two stanzas that much in the first reading. It was the last line that really knocked it ;D

What d'ya think of my suggestion for the said line. I replaced it with

'adding to my cadence'

'cadence' is nearly the same as rhythm (at least according my german-english dictionary :eek: ) and the 'adding' goes more hand in hand with

Quote

And found in them a taste

, imho.

[kelticat]

hey,

i liked this one a lot, i liked the way it got into a rhythm...knocks you out then draws you straight back in again, sort of like it has a beat to it almost....

Personally i wouldnt change it but thats mainly cause i think once written poetry shouldnt be changed, it retracts from it its purest meaning....im funny that way

awesome write

[Orfantal]

Dinivan and Kelticat - thanks for the comments, I'll reply properly later when I have a chance, just got a second to add these two from today

Embrace

I held my daughter close last night,
a moments comforting embrace.
An opportunity welcomed
despite the hurt that made her seek
this all too rare and fleeting help.
That hidden vulnerability
revealed and open in her need.
I closed my eyes and pulled her close,
soothing away the pain she felt
while offering my love instead
Then as I watched her walk away,
the curtain of adulthood’s poise
drawn tight about her once again,
I smiled and blinked my blurring eyes,
remembering that little girl
I held so many precious times.


Helpless To Help

I stretch my arm out towards you,
groping blindly without any
real sense of aim or direction.
Just a desperate need that has
my fingers curling futilely
with that aching urge to hold you.

The knuckles of my other hand
whiten, tightening against the phone,
clamping it close against my ear
The pain you’re feeling pierces me
rippling through me with a shudder
and I babble inanities.

My inability to help
burns on my face with crimson shame
as I search for words of comfort,
and as I fumble my attempts
you thank me and leave me humbled
by your boundless generosity.

[Called-by-the-Voices]

Just a little piece of poetry done by me. I know it's nothing special, but stil...
------------------

One Step From Immortality


In infinity we drown
You and I
Hand in hand,
Eyes steadfast
Alas
If we only knew
That infinity is too small
For our love

[Orfantal]

Dinivan;142539 said:

yeah that's good. I just came wondering. Strangely enough i didn't noticed it in the first two stanzas that much in the first reading. It was the last line that really knocked it ;D

What d'ya think of my suggestion for the said line. I replaced it with
'adding to my cadence'

'cadence' is nearly the same as rhythm (at least according my german-english dictionary :eek: ) and the 'adding' goes more hand in hand with
, imho.

Dinivan - Well doesn't pay to be too unsubtle on the way to your ending
I do agree withy you that the one line doesn't fit too well, but I don't really like your suggestion either not sure why so I guess I'll have to think about it and see what else I can come up with

Kelticat - glad you liked it, guess I was trying to do that .. a simple rhythm building over 4 lines.. establishing an expectation .. then throwing that out with the last line and leaving it feeling uncomfortable. Guess it was fun to try something outside of a normal rhythmic structure As to revising I guess it's each to their own, it's not something i do to many but I hae with a few and normally I've been pleased by the changes. As i quite like this one I'll be tempted to try to correct the one line that's niggling.

Called-By-The-Voices - interesting.. simple but gets the sentiment across effectively

[kelticat]

I am just going through my poetry folder, here is another i wrote recently...i will post older ones too once i get them all sorted....

Its not great but i was just angry and sad when i wrote it

You stuck a knife in my heart,
Twisted it over and over
Til i bled dry
Screaming your name...

You don't love,
You said it yourself
But you didnt leave me
You are just slowly bleeding me to death...

If i had the strength
I would walk out that door,
But i'm just weak and stupid
And i'm sticking around for more...

Not sure if you can truly see
All the damage you are causing me,
I'm not even sure you would care
You aren't the one sunk down in deep despair...

After all that i am still scared,
That i will do something wrong
Then you will walk out that door
And this time you won't return...

Why do i care?
I don't even know,
Am i scared of losing you?
Or am i just scared of being alone?

[Called-by-the-Voices]

@Orfantal- well, thanx man I was kinda inspired by the Toc's poem "The Bridgeburners", you know the one with "...what see you in the horizon's bruised smear, that cannot be blotted out by your raised hand?"

I like it just for it's simplicity- sometimes the most simple things are the most beautiful- and it makes me wonder about- fate, the world, our part in it etc..

BTW i love your Helpess to Help, greatly written- it's JUSt how I feel so many times... (Crimson shame- great picture, congrats...)

[Orfantal]

Keltikit - enjoyed it... certainly powerful and gets it's message across conveying that fear and pain, sometimes it's just about letting that out

CBTV - you're welcome... yeah I know the one you mean .. soemtimes simplicity is it's own reward and you don't need to embellish just for the sake of it

Cheers, glad you liked it.. yeah it's a feeling I've known very well

Right .. I want some opinions as I've been playing with one I wrote quite a while ago

This was the original, which I like, but has a very staccato and constrained structure:

Behind the Smiles

Love lies
through a mouth full of meat
spits out wet disgust

Tongue tries
to kindle the furnace that
burns holes in dissent

Voice cries
a linguist of guile
smothering mistrust

Flesh sighs
slick slippery friction
opposing intent

Love dies
cold heartedly coupling
left only with lust

Hate buys
passion’s impostor, anger
that will not relent


I revised it to this quite a while back, so i could expand on the idea but don't think it worked too well:

Her love lies, smirking
through a mouth full of meat,
as she spits out wet disgust,
masked by his delight.

His love lies, wheedling,
a linguist of guile
smothering her mistrust
with a soft silken touch.

Tongues tangle desperately
trying to kindle the furnace
that burns holes in dissent
and shrouds hatred with smoke.

Their flesh sighs gently,
slick slippery friction as
opposing intent comes together.

Love lies dead and cold
heartedly coupling for lust,
and a fear of betraying the truth.

Hate calls in
passion’s impostor,
anger that holds them together
but drives them apart.


And this is the version I redid last night when I tidied up the rhythms and structure:

Her love lies, smirking
through a mouth full of meat,
she spits out wet disgust,
masked by his delight.

His love lies, wheedling,
such a linguist of guile,
smothering her mistrust
with soft silken touch.

Their lust tries lying,
tongues desperately tangling,
to kindle the furnace
that burns out dissent

Their flesh sighs gently,
with slippery friction,
opposing intentions
coming together.

Their love lies dying,
cold heartedly coupling
and hiding their fear of
betraying the truth.

Their pain tries fighting
as passion’s impostor,
the anger that binds them
yet drives them apart.


So which do you prefer and why?

[kelticat]

hey orfantal - that is a really good poem, personally i prefer the 3rd version, i prefer the 4 lines to bring a rhythm, i find it easier to read. The first version i felt was hard to follow i kept stopping and going back, just a bit bitty for me.

Loved the third though, it was a good read

[GaesII]

I much prefer the second version, having read each through several times.
The third version is just too tidy for me.....anyone who's been through that experience will know that it's neither smooth,nor easy...and I think that the form,or rather lack of form, in the second version backs up the words and their bitter intent.

Bxx

[Called-by-the-Voices]

Yeah i concurr that the 2nd one is the best, (IMHO of course) being just the right balance between the lack of form and rhytm (1st) and the overuse of it (3rd) it's the "GOLDEN MIDDLE" as old Greek would say...
BTW i really like the poem, as it describes love in an un-orthodox way, and it reminds me so much of Vladimir Majakovski, the russian futurist poet.

Great work ! Two thumbs up

[Orfantal]

Kelticat - thanks for the comment, while I liked the first version it was never very accessable and felt a bit stilted, hence the rewrites. I'm pleased with the third, and the way I've redone the rhythm and structure but was just worried it lost something along the way and that seems borne out by other comments.

My dear Gaessi - guess I know what you're saying there hun, while I like the tidyness of the third, it was the raw feeing that drove the original version and I wouldn't want to lose that, and I guess that's still strong in the second version. it was somewhat personal... from memories quite old and I just don't want to lose sight of that .. although I'd say guilty as well as bitter Cheers hun

CBTV - thanks for the comments, think I'm coming to that view myself, second seems to be the one although I'm glad to have had several cracks at it, don't often bother with rewrites

[GaesII]

Orfantal honey,those feelings are definitely still palpable in the second version.Guilt and bitterness have neither form,nor reason....so to try to present them so neatly almost does that raw emotion a disservice.
The only problem I had with the first one was that first stanza....it just didn't sit right with me for some reason,although I didn't dislike it as a whole.

Good to see you writing again hun:)

[Orfantal]

Ah my sweet .. I know just what you mean and I guess that was why I was unsure of the third version, however happy I was with the form and structure


Aww thanks hun .. sometimes I just need a push ..you know?

[GaesII]

Ah hun,everyone needs a push every now and again;)

Just to go back to "Helpless to Help" for a moment.....liked that one very much. too.

[Orfantal]

Well ... just grateful I get that push now and again .. you know?

Ah glad you liked that one hun.. kinda means a lot to me