[Orfantal]

Sir Thursday - thanks for the comments, yeah I do tend to be a bit of an alliteration junkie, heavy handed in banging home those images, sometimes thta works just fine and other times it needs a bit more finesse. Yeah rhyme's a funny one, sometimes I like it and soemtimes I ignore it completely. Sometimes it overwhelms the direction and meaning of the poem, struggling to find the next rhyme and the correct number of syllables rather than going with the creative flow. Although I have to admit I often enjoy the intellectual challenge of making the words fit and that's probably why I often get sucked into using it. I agree with what you're saying about the contrast between the perky rythym and the dark message, and it wasn't an effect I was looking for intentionally. May have another look at it

Chaos - love the idea behind this one and the personalisation of the elements, but the execution doesn't quite catch it for me. Doesn't have the richness and striking images that you often manage to get down. Sorry

[Orfantal]

A little snippet - fresh.. as in two minutes old :

Lost

I’m lost in your eyes,
drowning in a welling tide of emotion.
Adrift on that untamed sea,
head spinning as I spiral
in towards those beguiling whirlpools.
Helpless yet willing,
drawn in to your mysterious depths.
Eyes wide and heart open,
the time for safety is past.
I draw breath
and dive in
to you.

[GaesII]

I like this hun:) A step away from the melancholy;) The format you've used works really well...the last 3 lines especially having been constructed in such a way to lean extra impact to the wording:)

Is this "snippet" complete, or is there more to come?

[Orfantal]

GaesII;111044 said:

I like this hun:) A step away from the melancholy;) The format you've used works really well...the last 3 lines especially having been constructed in such a way to lean extra impact to the wording:)

Is this "snippet" complete, or is there more to come?

Thanks babe .. yeah was definitely leading to that weighted ending so not sure I'd add any more

Just a spur of the moment thing as I was sat there last night - guess I was inspired

[GaesII]

To be honest I don't think it needs anymore...seems pretty much complete as is

[Orfantal]

Yeah must admit I'd be loathe to change it .. says what it was meant to say

[Grimjust Bearegular]

here's a poem I wrote about the Bridgeburners for the winner of the Malazan Art Guild contest:




We all torched our bridges
We all watched them burn
We breathed the ashes of the pillars
And watched the smoke billow and churn

We toiled through the desert
We hunted twelve and one
We marched and fought, fought and died
And were all scorched by the sun

We climbed dunes of blood and bone
We emerged from the sandy hell
We were all changed, we were different
But in what ways we could not tell

We had all become legends
Our names known throughout the land
We were betrayed and decimated
By the vicious imperial hand

We came too late to Capustan
We knew deceit at the siege of Pale
There are hardly any of us left
Who live to tell our tragic tale.

We entered Coral first
And some of us never came out
We fought with great valour
This fact you cannot doubt

We were interred in the sea
Buried inside Moon’s Spawn
To a Song we did ascend and
As gods we hailed the dawn

We all torched our bridges
We all watched them burn
We breathed the ashes of the pillars
And watched the smoke billow and churn

We are the Bridgeburners

- First in, last out!

[Demon X]

I'm not a poet at all, but this came into my head when I was twisted one morning after a house party. It's kind of my take on religion! It's a bit grim!!

I am the beginning, I am the end,
All shall worship me,
I am the one, who shall judge,
The one who shall weigh your soul,
You shall know fear,
As you lay prostrate before me,
Those who obey,
Your reward; my love,
Worship none other lest you be ruined,
As your soul burns without end,
You shall never forget;
I am Alpha, I am Omega.

[kelticat]

Well i managed to find myself here....i was just scrolling around...

Im not an amazing poet like chaos, i tend just to write whatever springs to mind, it is all a bit over the place but its my inner angers usually....


Moments

Tranquility of an empty room,
Memories of the rabble that preceded before.
Now if you listen closely
The rabble is no more.

The silence is sinking
Deep into my soul.
It brings back sweet memories
Of what i used to know.

The silence, the peace, the tranquility
All flowing through my head.
Before it was full of noise
Of the things i had never said.

I pray for silent moments,
For the times to sit and think
Without the constant chaos
Running through my mind.

I treasure silent moments,
They are few and far between,
So when they come along
Just keep them for your dreams

----------------------------

Come to Terms

In the past few years
My life has been torn apart.
The loss I felt
More deeply than I could have ever said.

My sadness overflowed my mind,
I let my heart drown
Unable to swim to the closest shore.

I felt as though I was all alone,
Lost within my own private world.
But I know that you were hurting too
And the worst thing was
I could see it.

I could see that you were crying out in pain
And I knew exactly how you felt.
I wanted to help you with all you were going through
Instead I just closed myself off to you.

I am sorry I left you all alone
Even though I was always next to you.
My heart shut down and I pulled away
I left you out in the cold.

In the months after it fell apart.
You pulled yourself together
While I just fell apart.
I thought I was being strong for you
But strong was one thing I was not.

I didn’t let you know
What was running through my head.
All you felt was the coldness
And all I felt was dread.

I didn’t want you to feel
Like you had to take care of me.
I wanted you to feel as though you could move forward
Be free.

I am just finally realising
That the road I took was wrong
I hurt you more by closing off
And I’m finally just beginning to turn on.

I feel all the emotions and pain
That I should have felt back then.
It is time to finally feel again
It is time to come to terms.

[Orfantal]

Hey Kelticat, always good to see someone new posting here

I enjoyed Moments, although I found most of it just fair, enjoyed it without it leaping out at me .. but I absolutely loved this:

"Before it was full of noise
Of the things i had never said."

Think that's great.

Come To Terms seemed a lot more personal and as such perhaps suffered a little in structure and the way it was expressed, but the other side of that was that it showed far more feeling and so grabbed me more. The subject was something I could relate to .. and i could feel the emotion behind it.

[kelticat]

Saying goodbye
Is something im not sure how to do,
I just want to say
I will always love you.

I can barely hold on
To my sanity with you here,
So i am letting you go
Along with all the tears.

Although in the end
You left me all broken,
In the beginning
You left me warm from words spoken.

So i am walking away,
I don't hate you though
But i just think it is time
That i should just go...

----------

Sorry im not that great with structure i tend to write when im emotional so its done withing minutes and im not good at editing....pretty useless that way...but anyways i enjoy it and it helps me say what i usually cant

[Orfantal]

Hm a poet from the Chaos school It gets the message over and makes the emotion clear .. I can be a fan of structure being pedantic by nature.. but agree that sometimes it can be better to go with the flow .. I'd reccommend going back and editing.. but then I'm not very good at doing that myself

Like the third verse the best .. the best combination of emotion and expression

[Chaos]

Just to defy Orf's comments

I actually spent quite some time on this (ie more than 5 minutes!) although I still couldn't get myself to clamp down on structure, I guess I'm just a free spirit at heart This was a conscious effort on my behalf to write something when I didn't need to vent (I was just glad to finish as it seemed everything and everyone was conspiring to distract me ) and to actually make a piece with no negativity in it. (I know! A happy poem? FROM CHAOS? :eek: )

Indeed .

I even have a title.

(The first stanza is a stark contrast to the rest and may not even go with it but I wanted that contrast. Why? shh. Now that i've put it in here I can see a million things wrong with it, this is why I hate editing cos I never stop! )



Okay I'll stop scaring you now and just post it.
-------------------------------------------------

My Tender Heart Of Wood

Sliding down the fiery bank,
Skating over an artist's tantrum
Splashed all over the forest floor,
A maelstrom of serenity.

Catching deep breaths of cold calm,
Soothing, diffusing, easing
The razor urban nightmares out,
From my tender heart of wood.

They call to me now, into the glade,
Feet following ethereal paths
Through memories carved a lifetime ago,
Into a realm of eternal wonder.

Falling faeries inquisitively glide down,
Rustling giggles blowing inside my ear,
Stroking my goosepimpled neck
To warm me with their orange glow.

My roots settle down into the scene,
Twining gnarled hands with old friends,
Noble branches unfurled at last
At the gentle reassurance of their love.

Faeries play in my wide embrace,
Coaxing burgeoning blossoms to surge,
And we bask in our organic bliss,
A tender, loving, natural kiss.

[Orfantal]

Ha the cheek!

Chaos I enjoyed this it was entertainingly strange, personally I didn't see the first stanza as being a contrast to the others. In fact I'd actually shift the order round and go 1st 4th 3rd 2nd 5th 6th.. just prefer it that way

Here we go first thing I've posted in a long time.. and even now it's something i had quite a while back that I've just finihed..... but it's a start at least:)

Perspective

I look into your eyes my love
and feel the earth around me shiver,
shrugging in confusion.
The steady rock on which I stood
crumbling before your heated gaze.
Falling away to leave me stranded,
perched upon a lonely spar,
a daunting precipice
upon which I now cling.
The winds of guilt blow all around me
tugging with sharp clawing hands
as I glance into the depths below.
Jagged edges tear my palms
and blood drips slowly into the dark
trickling through my febrile grip
as I grasp the shallow handholds.
And all at once my focus shifts
as I look around in fright
uncertain as to up or down
and which way leads me out.

[Chaos]

Damn, how do you always manage to look at stuff and see something that simple? You're right, it does work better in the other order. I hate you


"I look into your eyes my love
and feel the earth around me shiver,
shrugging in confusion." - Loved that bit As for the rest of the piece I'm gonna have to reread a few times I think. I was surprised when it ended, just seemed to stop, I was expecting a bit more. Still good stuff though, as always

[Orfantal]

Well always harder to see things when you're closer in to it hahaha .. it just seems to have a nice logical order that way round and pulls you in as more of a story

Well not very happy with it myself .. and the majority was written some time ago. The end was there alreasy .. but I guess I'd envisaged leading up to it better, at the moment those last four lines don't sit very well with the rest. Been a long time since I've written anything.. and finding it hard to get back into it .. but I'm going to perservere and see what I can come up with over the next week The best thing about Perspective was just the feeling I was writing something again

[Chaos]

Yeah I can relate to that, about writing something again. Maybe I'll join you and write a few more things..

[Orfantal]

There we go .. solidarity in adversity!

Well feeling the bug again, had some nice things said about a couple of mine elsewhere so that's geeing me on again .. besides someone's threatening to kick my a$$ if I don't write again soon!

[kelticat]

its great reading everyones work....im not a critique though but i like it...

[Dinivan]

I'm always enjoying your work. I'm no poet myself, especially not in english ;D. (the only thing i ever wrote was as homework for school and was a marriage contact in a newspaper in sonet form) But I like english poetry actually a lot more than german. (my english teacher made us learn some sonets by shakespeare by heart and I was the only one in class who liked them).

I really like your poem, Orfantal, it has a nice flow from beginning

Chaos said:

"I look into your eyes my love
and feel the earth around me shiver,
shrugging in confusion." - Loved that bit

I just qoute it because i'd like to say the same.

the only point of little criticism is this line

Quote

upon which I now cling.

It threw me kinda out of the rhythm when I was reading it. Don't know if you feel the same, or if that's intended. Otherwise it's just great.