[thatoneguy]

This is a quick passage i wrote in about 20 minutes first time really trying to write anything. I plan to add more details this is just a roughdraft of a possible plot and my style.

Terrold I
The summer sun filled the air with its sweet bliss of bright cascading sunlight,it bathed all the densely pack growth of trees that made up the kledra forest.Beams of light shown through the gaps between the bushy treetops and gave clearinsight to the seen laid out down below within the trees.

Two weary travelers stumbled through the forest in not much more than a daze fueled urge to make it somewhere calm and stop all the moving, the shaking, the overwhelming confusion and the horrors they had just witnessed.

The younger of the two a boy, about 16 years of age dragged along looking for a refuge when something caught his left foot with an unrelenting jerk he toppled over and as he fell he reached out to catch his fall but it was too late. He awkwardly fell on all his weight with bad hand placement and a sudden snap of pain filled his entire body.

"Feldon!"The older brother was overhim in a heartbeat."Come on brother get up we need to hurry, you saw what they did what their capable of." Then he noticed the arm of his younger brother. It was bent halfway down the shaft to make a right angle of twisted jaunting bonesticking through skin.

Feldon blocked the pain in his arm and looked to his leg where he was caught up on some kind of thick spiny vine then noticed the vine seemed to constrict around the ankle causing another source of horrible pain through his body.

Sounds of swift rustling dragged closer. But there's still time, still time to save my brother. With that Terrold unsheathed his dull short sword from its scabbard and quickly made haste to saw through the vine that held his brother captive. As his brothers cries grew louder Terrold sawed more quickly and furiously doing little work on the tough vine finally he made a worthy cut to the towards the center of the vine the outside skin protecting it gave way and spurts of a bubbling green liquid oozed out then gained more momentum and almost shot out with a horrible flow.

The green liquid first made contact with his blade the sword started to smoke a thick black smelly smoke the covered Terrolds face. Then he felt it the rapid sense of pain going up and down his right arm where he had swung at the vine. He fell back with horror and his blade clinked against a nearby bolder as he fell back.He looked to his once gloved hand to find not much of the leather glove he hadworn remained it had burned into bubbly black red and tender spots all across his hand and fore arm the underside of the glove remained burned ever so slightly into his skin.

Shadows closed in on him as he gazed into Felon's eyes. There almost here now gods help me."Leave brother" Feldon begged "Cary on what needs to be done, make things right." Terrold didn't speak another word to Feldon that night as nothing could be said to make things right or express his feelings. He cradled his scarred and singed hand in his white cloth undershirt below his leatherjerkin.

He went to retrieve his blade but the ooze had eaten through most of it leaving a thin rusty jaggedblade in its place. Better than nothing.He quickly retrieved the blade than let it fall loosely into his scabbard.

He heard one last desperate shrill scream from his brother. The sounds were on him. Evil sounds, Evil things what have we done to deserve this why does hell rise to greet us.


feedback please.

[Isa]

Welcome to the world of writing!

I will take that to mean you want constructive criticism. Please keep in mind that this is only my subjective opinions, and by all means feel free to ignore me.

First, even if it is only a rough draft, you should strive to use proper punctuation. A problem with this text is that you do not nearly have enough of it. Example:

'He looked to his once gloved hand to find not much of the leather glove he had worn remained it had burned into bubbly black red and tender spots all across his hand and fore arm the underside of the glove remained burned ever so slightly into his skin.'

Sentences like this one becomes almost impossible to follow, and would certainly benefit from at least a couple of commas. Maybe something like this:

'He looked to his once gloved hand to find not much of the leather glove he had worn remained. It had burned into bubbly black red and tender spots all across his hand and fore arm, and the underside of the glove remained burned, ever so slightly, into his skin.'

What I would suggest, however, is that work on the syntax, and trim down the sentences; 'He looked to his hand to find that little remained of his leather glove.' etc. As a rule, try to say what you need to say using no more words than what is necessary. There may be exceptions to this (as with everything else) but in general, and in the interest of clarity, weigh your words carefully. Especially adjectives.

It's hard to say anything about your plot based on this excerpt, but your imagination certainly seems to be in order. Looking forward to see where this is going

Good luck with the writing!

[Use Of Weapons]

As Isolde said: master the basics first. You have lots of run-on sentences that suffer from grammar problems and basic spelling errors. Your ideas are good, and I can see what you're trying to achieve, but the number of errors make it difficult to persevere.

For example, your very first sentence: "The summer sun filled the air with its sweet bliss of bright cascading sunlight,it bathed all the densely pack growth of trees that made up the kledra forest."
The comma after 'sunlight' should be a full stop (period), and the whole of the next clause a separate sentence. 'Densely pack growth' should be 'densely-packed growth'. I've hyphenated them because 'densely' modifies 'packed', and the combination modifies 'growth'. Also, I'm not sure what a 'sweet bliss' might actually be, so am a tad dubious about that word. And 'kledra' is opaque -- there's nothing to suggest what it might actually be. A forest that contains trees, but also kledra? 'Kledra' is slightly awkward as a neologism -- what are they? Don't fall into the trap of calling a rabbit a 'smeerp' (http://www.mmcgrath.co.uk/?p=1863).