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Is this an effective intro? To a saga.

#1 User is offline   SylvanShade 

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Posted 30 January 2012 - 02:30 AM

Feedback: criticism, appraisal, anything is good. It will be much appreciated.

Bodies lay scattered, sprawled and entwined in a dead heap. A pallid mass, disheveled and depredated. Limbs both attached and severed jutted this way and that, the bloody remnants of war seemed to clump together to form a sepulchral creature, sluggish and foul.Once the people of a bustling town-stead: the common and distinguished folk alike now came together as a grotesque tumor, ensnared in an eternal bond.

Eyes stared endlessly at nothing, frozen in their final tortured moment of life. Others were shut almost peacefully; some disgruntled, like the face of a child suffering a nightmare. The rest were somewhere in between, petrified in that uncanny semi-closed cringe, eyes rolled back.

From the wood encompassing the massacre, moonlight betrayed the presence of wolves, their meandering eyes piercing the darkness. Movement did not stir the sylvan glade's grave silence, as they skulked, heads low.

From the massacre, one pair of eyes gazed deep into the firmament. Not unlike those of the dead, they were hollow, and appeared muted in death. Yet they blinked.

The pack slowly closed in, cautiously sniffing at the pile, uncertain of their feast. Silence was broken by guttural growls and jaws-snapping, then the pulpy snap and smack of bones breaking and flesh tearing. The feast had begun.

Laek Falla laid motionless, legs folded beneath him, all contorted and glassy eyed like a discarded doll. He had been neglectfully cast atop the mound where he froze as if lifeless. Just another piece of kindle, the assailants intended to incremate the corporeal debris, but unknown affairs had beget their hastened exodus.

Would they have thought him undead if the carnage was ignited and he had risen from the inferno, flailing in madness, writhing aflame? Would they have struck him down as something unholy?

Dilating, his eyes bore further into the abyss, beyond what the mind could fathom. He endeavored to see reality itself pale in the face of infinite. To comprehend. But the shackles of youth still held him…

Dead weight had him pitched prostrate. He was beyond the sensation of pain, unfazed by the livid blemishes and weeping lacerations marring his body.

He turned his head and met one glazed eye of what used to be the blacksmith. His face appeared to have been bludgeoned into what it was now. Pulverized, teeth splintered and jutting, jaw dislocated and force-molded, one eye socket ravaged along with half of that respective side of his face, which was left in gory ruins. A crudely placed gash split the ruined countenance into an inhuman grin, sickly parodying the joy of the living. That one eye staring coldness into Laek's heart.

With one free trembling arm, he shifted the burdening bodies and pivoted, as if rising from the dead. The wolves flinched away.

Cold wind brushed through the trees, whistling a bleak howl.

The alpha-figure slowly padded forward, approaching the forlorn boy. Its eyes fixed with his.

The wolf gathered his insight and expelled, boring into Laek's soul. As it probed deeper, it read through the boy's psyche, sweeping over black terra-firma beneath flowing skies awash with violent hues of crimson. A landscape that seemed to once be of the unnerving atmosphere that precedes a storm. Now a desolate aftermath, scoured clean by a devastating tempest. Charting fresh ruins, the intruder walked empty corridors, echoes of the fallen at his back.

The wolf found sealed doors, lined with putrefaction, weeping black corruption. He threw those doors open.

The wolf fled then.
If I look back, I am lost.
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#2 User is offline   Defiance 

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Posted 30 January 2012 - 07:46 AM

It's late and I've had a bit to drink, so bear with me here. Take everything I say with a grain of salt.

First off, it seems to me like you're trying too hard. There's an excess of what I might call "fancy" words in your intro. That's not to say that good, intelligent words are bad; not at all. However, when used frequently, I find that they often detract from quality of the writing, as the focus is placed more on the language rather than what is actually happening. For example, corporeal, beget, sepulchral. Those kinds of words are "fancy" and educated, but they really just stand out as odd in the writing (at least for me). They make me step back and think, "hey, I'm reading something," instead of further immersing me in the story.

Secondly, a bit too many commas and repetitive description. Short and sweet goes a long way. Simple description is often far more potent than lines and lines of it.

For example: His face appeared to have been bludgeoned into what it was now

You could change this into: His face had been bludgeoned. Means the same thing, but it reads a lot better as it's shorter and gets the pointed across more clearly. Always try to eliminate unnecessary words when writing a novel (at least, that's how I write, thanks to the advice of Mr. Stephen King).

Sentences like this can be thrown away entirely:

Would they have thought him undead if the carnage was ignited and he had risen from the inferno, flailing in madness, writhing aflame? Would they have struck him down as something unholy?

As a reader, I don't really care what these mysterious butchers would have thought. What if situations, especially this early in a book, really don't concern me (sorry, not trying to sound like a dick). The one exception to this is if the statement actually has relevance later on in the plot, and as such is a nice little nugget for re-reads (for example, do undead exist in the world and do they have some tie with the people who slaughtered everyone? If so, keep the line. Given context, it's good).

"Dilating, his eyes bore further into the abyss, beyond what the mind could fathom. He endeavored to see reality itself pale in the face of infinite. To comprehend. But the shackles of youth still held him…" Repetitive phrasing here, could throw away "beyond what the mind could fathom" as the same thing is more or less stated in the following sentence. Also of questionable relevance, but given the "shackles of the youth" part, I'm going to assume this deals with Laek's internal struggles, and as such it's an important part of exposition concerning his character.

"With one free trembling arm, he shifted the burdening bodies and pivoted, as if rising from the dead." You used the rising from the dead thing earlier, so we can already picture what it's like. Also, try not to use too many analogies when you write. Personally, I'd rather just be told what a character is doing, rather than having it explained to me by comparison. Don't underestimate your readers, especially fantasy ones - we're really good when it comes to making mental pictures. Too much description can be just as bad as too little. Instead of saying, "as if rising from the dead," you could say, "he shifted the burdening bodies [burdening bodies sounds a little strange, maybe remove burdening] and pivoted, rising.

"Cold wind brushed through the trees, whistling a bleak howl." Could cut this down by removing unnecessarily whistling or howl, as both are describing a sound that's being made by the wind. Such as, "Cold wind brushed [brushed is a bit of an ironic word choice, considering the wind is howling] through the trees, howling bleakly."

"The wolf gathered his insight and expelled, boring into Laek's soul. As it probed deeper, it read through the boy's psyche, sweeping over black terra-firma beneath flowing skies awash with violent hues of crimson. A landscape that seemed to once be of the unnerving atmosphere that precedes a storm. Now a desolate aftermath, scoured clean by a devastating tempest. Charting fresh ruins, the intruder walked empty corridors, echoes of the fallen at his back" Strange phrasing overall here. I get what you're saying, but I think it could be smoothed out a bit.

I think your last sentence would be more effective if it just was, "Then fled." The repetition of, "The wolf" stands out among the last three sentences/paragraphs. By being as punctual as possible, you removed the awkwardness of repetition, and you also give the scene as much dramatic impact as possible. By being as short as possible, it really lets the fact that the wolf was surprised/horrified/shocked by what he saw. Erikson has a lot of punctual moments with his writing, especially with his action scenes. He writes very short sentences with lots of breaks, as this gives both a sense of speed and importance.


I hope this helps you out. I'm not a publisher, and I've never actually had any of my own work published, so take all my constructive criticism with caution. I could just be talking out of my ass. Anyway, I apologize if I seemed really negative about your writing. It has potential, and you definitely know grammar rules and have a good command of the English language. Don't let anything people say discourage you. In the end, it's your work, and you should write it how you want, not how other suggest. Sorry for any rambling as well, hopefully my thoughts were coherent. Anyway, time for bed, and hopefully I won't be nursing a hangover in the morning.

Good luck!
uhm, that should be 'stuff.' My stiff is never nihilistic.
~Steven Erikson


Mythwood: Play-by-post RP board.
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#3 User is offline   SylvanShade 

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Posted 30 January 2012 - 08:28 AM

Thank you Defiance. :)

I've been told I'm a little too loquacious... It's the sort of narrative I prefer, in any case.
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#4 User is offline   wade 

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Posted 30 January 2012 - 09:09 AM

I would give criticism now, but I'm at school. Will try and remember for when I get home.
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#5 User is offline   JLV 

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Posted 31 January 2012 - 12:18 AM

You can definitely keep the interesting word choice if that's what you want. It's just something some people find distracting. You should definitely avoid repetitive description, though. Those can get tedious.

I'm definitely interested where the story is going.

Also, there was a TON of alliteration. It was kinda distracting to me, but no one else mentioned it so maybe it's not a bad thing. Make it into an epic poem! :)
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#6 User is offline   SylvanShade 

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Posted 31 January 2012 - 02:29 AM

Thank you. :)
I've been in the habit of reading Old English poetry, so perhaps it has rubbed off on me a little...
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#7 User is offline   JLV 

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Posted 31 January 2012 - 03:06 AM

View PostSylvanShade, on 30 January 2012 - 02:30 AM, said:

Feedback: criticism, appraisal, anything is good. It will be much appreciated.

Bodies lay scattered, sprawled and entwined in a dead heap. A pallid mass, disheveled and depredated. Limbs both attached and severed jutted this way and that, the bloody remnants of war seemed to clump together to form a sepulchral creature, sluggish and foul.Once the people of a bustling town-stead: the common and distinguished folk alike now came together as a grotesque tumor, ensnared in an eternal bond.

Eyes stared endlessly at nothing, frozen in their final tortured moment of life. Others were shut almost peacefully; some disgruntled, like the face of a child suffering a nightmare. The rest were somewhere in between, petrified in that uncanny semi-closed cringe, eyes rolled back.

From the wood encompassing the massacre, moonlight betrayed the presence of wolves, their meandering eyes piercing the darkness. Movement did not stir the sylvan glade's grave silence, as they skulked, heads low.

From the massacre, one pair of eyes gazed deep into the firmament. Not unlike those of the dead, they were hollow, and appeared muted in death. Yet they blinked.

The pack slowly closed in, cautiously sniffing at the pile, uncertain of their feast. Silence was broken by guttural growls and jaws-snapping, then the pulpy snap and smack of bones breaking and flesh tearing. The feast had begun.

Laek Falla laid motionless, legs folded beneath him, all contorted and glassy eyed like a discarded doll. He had been neglectfully cast atop the mound where he froze as if lifeless. Just another piece of kindle, the assailants intended to incremate the corporeal debris, but unknown affairs had beget their hastened exodus.

Would they have thought him undead if the carnage was ignited and he had risen from the inferno, flailing in madness, writhing aflame? Would they have struck him down as something unholy?

Dilating, his eyes bore further into the abyss, beyond what the mind could fathom. He endeavored to see reality itself pale in the face of infinite. To comprehend. But the shackles of youth still held him…

Dead weight had him pitched prostrate. He was beyond the sensation of pain, unfazed by the livid blemishes and weeping lacerations marring his body.

He turned his head and met one glazed eye of what used to be the blacksmith. His face appeared to have been bludgeoned into what it was now. Pulverized, teeth splintered and jutting, jaw dislocated and force-molded, one eye socket ravaged along with half of that respective side of his face, which was left in gory ruins. A crudely placed gash split the ruined countenance into an inhuman grin, sickly parodying the joy of the living. That one eye staring coldness into Laek's heart.

With one free trembling arm, he shifted the burdening bodies and pivoted, as if rising from the dead. The wolves flinched away.

Cold wind brushed through the trees, whistling a bleak howl.

The alpha-figure slowly padded forward, approaching the forlorn boy. Its eyes fixed with his.

The wolf gathered his insight and expelled, boring into Laek's soul. As it probed deeper, it read through the boy's psyche, sweeping over black terra-firma beneath flowing skies awash with violent hues of crimson. A landscape that seemed to once be of the unnerving atmosphere that precedes a storm. Now a desolate aftermath, scoured clean by a devastating tempest. Charting fresh ruins, the intruder walked empty corridors, echoes of the fallen at his back.

The wolf found sealed doors, lined with putrefaction, weeping black corruption. He threw those doors open.

The wolf fled then.


I think I missed some, and a few are arguable but you see my point. The whole thing reminded me of one of the older epics, especially with the constant double descriptions. That's a style very much absent today, but back then it was common.
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#8 User is offline   SylvanShade 

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Posted 31 January 2012 - 04:03 AM

Haha. Now I just need to insert some caesuras and metrically reform its structure :)
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#9 User is offline   Fist Gamet 

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Posted 02 February 2012 - 09:14 PM

There's really not too much wrong with this at all. The structure is fairly sound and the style and atmosphere are consistent; importantly, I think they work for an introduction, though you probably don't want to keep this up for the whole story. Most of what Defiance already said nailed it nicely. Too much purple prose (flowery stuff) and there are some simple rules you ignore at your peril: cut out unneccesary words, watch the repetition and watch the repetition...unless it serves a specific purpose. Generally, if there is a simple way to write something, then write it the simple way - allowing for some personal style, of course - and overuse of adjectives sucks the life out of a piece of writing, actually weakening the impact that you were probably trying to achieve in the first place.

In my view, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the aliteration you use as it's a perfectly acceptable writing tool. If it's a little old school then so what? good for you :(
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