TWILIGHT by Dr. Seuss

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TWILIGHT by Dr. Seuss

#1 Salt-Man Z

My pen halts, though I do not

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Posted 04 January 2012 - 08:47 PM

I gotta share this somewhere; it's just too funny. Originally found here.

some dude named unicycle said:

TWILIGHT, by Dr. Seuss

Jake likes a girl. Her name is Bella.
Bella likes a different fella.

See this vamp? This is Ed.
Ed is pale. Ed is dead.

Ed saved Bella from a van.
Ed must be a special man.

Ed won't kill boys. He won't kill girls.
Ed gets fed on deer and squirrels.

This is James. He's a tracker.
He's a sort of vamp attacker.

James hunts Bella for a thrill.
Will Ed kill him? Yes, he will.

But James gave her a little bite.
Will she be a vamp? She might!

Edward fixes Bella's cut.
She won't be a vampire.
But...

She becomes one. Read some more.
She's a vampire in book 4.

"Here is light. You will say that it is not a living entity, but you miss the point that it is more, not less. Without occupying space, it fills the universe. It nourishes everything, yet itself feeds upon destruction. We claim to control it, but does it not perhaps cultivate us as a source of food? May it not be that all wood grows so that it can be set ablaze, and that men and women are born to kindle fires?"
―Gene Wolfe, The Citadel of the Autarch

#2 Aptorian

How 'bout a hug?

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Posted 04 January 2012 - 09:05 PM

What? Bella becomes a vampire in the later books? What the hell? I thought the whole point of the relationship was the forbidden nature.

Does she turn into a werewolf too? Like a werevampire.

#3 Illuyankas

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Will cluck you up

Posted 04 January 2012 - 09:55 PM

No, they get married and fuck and she blacks out and wakes up all beaten and bruised with broken bones like he beat the shit out of her in bed and then she's pregnant and her uterus is like diamond hard and the baby's thrashing snaps her spine so Edward has to chew through her stomach and uterus to free the baby but then she becomes a vampire to survive with a baby and then the werewolf falls in love with the baby and it's a magic baby that stops the vampire war or whatever the plot that wasn't Bella/Edward/Jacob is a terrible person and will look eighteen when she's seven so Jacob can fuck her then and that's how Twilight ends!

At this point the abyss has googly eyes while it looks back at me.

Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like he’s me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. I’m on a quorl.

#4 Starling

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Posted 04 January 2012 - 10:17 PM

Once again, Illy's summary is pretty much bang on!

... a nature generally described as happy-go-fuck-yourself.

#5 worry

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Posted 04 January 2012 - 11:55 PM

So it's a perfect Mormon allegory.

They came with white hands and left with red hands.

#6 JLV

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Posted 05 January 2012 - 12:07 AM

Illuyankas, on 04 January 2012 - 09:55 PM, said:

I just vomited.

Is this real?

#7 Obdigore

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Posted 05 January 2012 - 05:20 AM

JLV, on 05 January 2012 - 12:07 AM, said:

Illuyankas, on 04 January 2012 - 09:55 PM, said:

I just vomited.

Is this real?

I'm not sure about the beating and Edward chewing through her stomach or w/e, but the rest of that is correct from what I have heard.

Monster Hunter World Iceborne: It's like hunting monsters, but on crack, but the monsters are also on crack.

#8 Aptorian

How 'bout a hug?

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Posted 05 January 2012 - 06:40 AM

Twilight, not even once.

#9 QuickTidal

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Posted 05 January 2012 - 12:18 PM

I'm still stuck on basically a corpse being able to impregnate her, nevermind that it makes her a vampire...

But yeah, Illy has pretty much the right end of the stick for how it ends. It is ALL kinds of messed up.

WTF.

This post has been edited by QuickTidal: 05 January 2012 - 12:19 PM

"When the last tree has fallen, and the rivers are poisoned, you cannot eat money, oh no." ~Aurora

"Someone will always try to sell you despair, just so they don't feel alone." ~Ursula Vernon

#10 Tsundoku

A what?

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Posted 05 January 2012 - 12:37 PM

Everything you needed to know, and much you didn't want to:

http://www.cracked.c...ny-36-twilight/

"Fortune favors the bold, though statistics favor the cautious." - Indomitable Courteous (Icy) Fist, The Palace Job - Patrick Weekes

"Well well well ... if it ain't The Invisible C**t." - Billy Butcher, The Boys

"I have strong views about not tempting providence and, as a wise man once said, the difference between luck and a wheelbarrow is, luck doesn’t work if you push it." - Colonel Orhan, Sixteen Ways to Defend a Walled City - KJ Parker

#11 McLovin

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Posted 05 January 2012 - 02:05 PM

Check my pic <- for how Twilight should have ended.

OK, I think I got it, but just in case, can you say the whole thing over again? I wasn't really listening.

#12 QuickTidal

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Posted 05 January 2012 - 02:07 PM

Sombra, on 05 January 2012 - 12:37 PM, said:

Everything you needed to know, and much you didn't want to:

http://www.cracked.c...ny-36-twilight/

I nearly peed a little reading that. SO FUNNY.

Must resist the urge to send that link to all the Twilight fans I know...

must resist...

ah fuck it...*send*...

"When the last tree has fallen, and the rivers are poisoned, you cannot eat money, oh no." ~Aurora

"Someone will always try to sell you despair, just so they don't feel alone." ~Ursula Vernon

#13 QuickTidal

Lord of the Kicks

Group: Team Quick Ben
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Location:Victoria Peak
Interests:DoubleStamping. Movies. Reading.

Posted 05 January 2012 - 02:19 PM

I love how Robert Pattinson hadn't the foggiest clue what he was getting into and after he started making the films he started hilariously disparaging both the story and Meyer herself.

Pattinson himself got the jump on everyone by mocking the series himself in an interview with Empire magazine (published in their October issue).

"When you read the book," says Pattinson, looking appropriately pallid and interesting even without makeup, "it's like, 'Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.' I mean, every line is like that. He's the most ridiculous person who's so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn't do that. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that's how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he's a 108-year-old virgin so he's obviously got some issues there."

In another video interview with E!Online, Pattinson speaks frankly of Meyer, and proves to wish-fulfillment authors everywhere that he's got their number.

When I read it ... I was convinced that Stephenie was convinced that she was Bella, and ... it was like it was a book that wasn't supposed to be published, like reading her — her sort of sexual fantasy about some — especially when she says that it was based on a dream, and it's like, "Oh, then I had a dream about this really sexy guy" and she just writes this book about it, and there's some things about Edward that are just so specific that ... I was just convinced that this woman is mad, she's completely mad, and she's in love with her own fictional creation. And I sometimes ... feel uncomfortable reading this thing, and I think a lot of people feel the same way, that it's kind of voyeuristic ... It creates this sick pleasure in a lot of ways.

"When the last tree has fallen, and the rivers are poisoned, you cannot eat money, oh no." ~Aurora

"Someone will always try to sell you despair, just so they don't feel alone." ~Ursula Vernon