[Baco Xtath]

Alright, it's been up long enough to be seen and commented on so I've pulled it down, not that I think it may be stolen, just that it does include some original ideas, phrases, and such that I'd rather keep on the DL until I'm actually ready to publish (yeah, I know, like that's my choice). Anywho, hope all who read it enjoyed the brain-fuck and sorry I didn't buy ya'll dinner first.

This post has been edited by Baco Xtath: 18 November 2011 - 05:33 PM

[JLV]

Had a chance to give this a read. First of all, it read surprisingly smoothly, for such a strange style. There were only a few parts that took me out of the story. Also, some parts were pretty accurate as to what someone under the influence of something fucked up experiences. (Especially the part about not realizing he stopped screaming until he realized he was humming) I'm by no means a pro, but I can try to give a few tips.

You said you hadn't edited it, so I won't go into too many specifics. But it really could use an edit. Some stuff could be trimmed, where it takes away from the interesting style.

The ending seemed abrupt. Is this a completed short story, part of a short story, or part of a novel?

Personally, I wouldn't read a novel if it were styled like what you have here, the whole way through. Despite being a fun read, it was jarring at times. Hmm. Maybe I would read it, now that I think about it again. Anyway, I think it would make an excellent short story if you took some potential conflicts that you have and fleshed them out into something more. Failing that, you could at least resolve the issues with the main characters reality.

I don't know about anyone else, but I enjoyed reading it.

[Baco Xtath]

No, it's definetely not going to be a novel, there's no way I would expect anyone to put up with that for more than ten pages or so. I wrote it because "they" say to become a writer you need to write. So I did. I don't know why I chose that really, it just seemed kind of fun. Tilt, the upside-downers, and other things are actually in something I'm working on but everything else just unfolded as I wrote, and no, I don't usually write that obscure. I was thinking about maybe having this the end stage of one of my characters, like Basketball Diaries but set in a fantasy world where my guy starts off normal, as does the prose, and then both progress into fucked oblivion, or more precisely, my shorty above. Not that that would be the plot, just the sub-plot as the real one unfolds and he mishandles or is sunken by situations. Oh, and that's not the ending really, it's just all I wrote that day, so yeah, definetely abrupt; I've yet to revisit, though I think I will just for resolutions sake.

[JLV]

I like the idea of Tilt and everything. I think the writing was interesting, hopefully it will remain so with a change in style.

Edit: Email me if you need comments when you start writing this. Don't post too much on the site, but if you need another eye I'm game.

This post has been edited by JLV: 17 November 2011 - 03:23 AM