[Soletaken Peach]

I'm a big fan of Erikson's poetry in The Malazan Book of The Fallen series. Most of it, anyway. Most of the poetry I'm used to reading would be in spanish, quite honestly. I quite honestly love poetry slams, and spoken word. I can quite honestly say I don't read as much poetry as I should, but I do. I wish I could read some more, instead of just some on deviant art. Regardless, I enjoy writing, and here are some of mine:









QUOTE (Angry Poets)The anger swells like inflated limbs
tossed in the shuffle of animalistic
dancing; we march to the rhythm of
our guerrilla tactics; move from the bedroom
to the kitchen before family hears;
speak absently, while whispering
'cause they might be listening.


We are mad; we're outcast in our home,
our blood runs thick through
our veins... we bleed
the same way. We're flesh and blood,
fresh or coagulated... it's still red and as
thick as our accent filtering
through our poetic musings
when we recite and scream
rhymes we recycle.

QUOTE (They used to call us Goths)White-noise and depressing songs
became my pubescent lullabies
when a blade to the wrists
took strength, not cowardice.




We were once proud to say we slit
but now, ashamed, we hide our scars
beneath mesh gloves and leather belts
and matching fishnet shirts.



-- The forum seems to kill the spacing/enjambments.--

This post has been edited by Soletaken Peach: 22 September 2009 - 02:29 AM

[Cold Iron]

I like the flow and line spacing.

Third one is a bit scarey, powerful yet disturbing. Good poem but dangerous lifestyle.

[Soletaken Peach]

I'll admit, I don't follow that style/genre/life anymore. The poem was a tribute to my youth, I guess. Youth, hah. I mean, pubescent years when I thought I /had/ to be different and being different meant openly and publicly wearing my tastes. Nothing against the fashion or music, but for me it was a stage.

I still have a few scars, I'll admit. The poem is meant to reflect that. Scary? That's new, but a welcome opinion nonetheless.

[Wry]

I like the feeling quite evident in all three - i personally think the point of poetry is to touch a reader at an emotional level, bypassing their rational mind, as opposed to writing. You do this, it's quite obvious you have something to communicate.

That said, the rhythm in the second one seems a bit off, and certainly lose "coagulated" that word wrecks the verse, an off note that distracts. And in the first one, i think you're tying too hard to make the structure interesting and it distracts rather than compliments. Just my opinion though.

The third one, though the simplest seems to speak most clearly.

[Soletaken Peach]

 Wry, on Jul 30 2009, 10:54 PM, said:

I like the feeling quite evident in all three - i personally think the point of poetry is to touch a reader at an emotional level, bypassing their rational mind, as opposed to writing. You do this, it's quite obvious you have something to communicate.

That said, the rhythm in the second one seems a bit off, and certainly lose "coagulated" that word wrecks the verse, an off note that distracts. And in the first one, i think you're tying too hard to make the structure interesting and it distracts rather than compliments. Just my opinion though.

The third one, though the simplest seems to speak most clearly.

I make it my standard to try and pack /some/ emotion into my writing. I'm glad you feel that way, thanks.

I see what you mean. Coagulated. I'll edit that out when I have a chance to sit down and revise. As for the first, the enjambment (line breaks) are all wrong. The poem is meant to be all over the place with spacing and breaks. Slow and sudden pauses, slurred words. It was originally spoken word.

Here's a link to the original, with the spacing, in my dA account. But I see what you mean. I'll try to keep my breaks simpler.

Thanks for the feedback, Wry. I'll be sure to look forward to comment(s) from you and Cold Iron when I post some prose.

[HoosierDaddy]

The third is scary because of the message, SP. It is not a positive message, in fact, the message you are clearly sending is one of dissatisfaction, disaffection, and disassociation. Combined with "slicing wrists", it is easily described as dangerous. It has value to you, most definitely, however, the value to other minds, perhaps influenced? Dangerous. I'd agree.

All together, I found them very engaging, and enjoyed them, other than the last, which shouts: "lost soul-save me" and I don't like those sort of poems. Too easy in a lost world.

[Soletaken Peach]

Understandable. Seeing that way, I myself don't agree much with the message portrayed. I don't see myself living up to standard with the actual poem. Should've tucked that in there. >_> lol.

Though, I agree with your opinion, HD.

Classy avatar, btw.

[Grimjust Bearegular]

I quite liked the first one, and had no problem following the rythm, though the lines were messed up:)

[Soletaken Peach]

 Grimhilde, on Jul 31 2009, 08:51 AM, said:

I quite liked the first one, and had no problem following the rythm, though the lines were messed up:)

Thanks! I've seen you on dA

[Illuyankas]

Personally, when yoyu;re slightly inebriated is the best time for reviewing someone's work, since you're drunk enough to give a valid opinionj without considering their feelings and moderating however much critisim you;re about to give.

The first gives off a kind of desparate energy about the process of creating a poem that I quite like, and has a structyure that is not unfavourable.

The second is kind of blah, even with the original (though that is better).

The third is so, so bad - in both delivery, message and delivery - that I now have a hangover. Thanks. Dick.

[Soletaken Peach]

 Illuyankas, on Jul 31 2009, 11:23 PM, said:

Personally, when yoyu;re slightly inebriated is the best time for reviewing someone's work, since you're drunk enough to give a valid opinionj without considering their feelings and moderating however much critisim you;re about to give.

The first gives off a kind of desparate energy about the process of creating a poem that I quite like, and has a structyure that is not unfavourable.

The second is kind of blah, even with the original (though that is better).

The third is so, so bad - in both delivery, message and delivery - that I now have a hangover. Thanks. Dick.

A critic, considerate? Right, and I can actually veer into a Peach. Regardless, I value your opinions. Thanks for taking your time to readdespitecallingmeadickforwritingbadpoetryabletowhipyouourofyourdrunkenstatean
dplungeyouintoahangover..

But seriously, Thanks for the feedback. XD

[Illuyankas]

You're welcome.