[Vesper]

Fist Gamet, on 14 February 2010 - 08:28 PM, said:

Welcome to the forum, Vesper, have you been around before? I enjoyed your insights here in Tay's work and it gave the impression that you have a very firm grasp of the art of writing. Have you studied writing formally? I noticed that you mentioned in another thread you are also a keen writer and I am sure there are a few of us who would enjoy reading a little of your work.

This writing forum rises and falls in popularity and activity over long periods of time and is sadly in the middle of a lull so some fresh impetus would be welcome.

Hi Gamet. Thanks for the welcome! I have been around a few times but I never registered before a week or so ago.

I have had some formal study of writing, you could say. I am a literary major in my fourth year of post-secondary education. (Personally, I find most of the material we study is nothing more than academic boasting, but some of it is very insightful.) I'm also a writer myself, currently working on finishing something a little larger than shorter pieces, which I have come to regard as 'essays in the craft'. My ultimate aspiration is to become a recognized author in the fantasy genre, hopefully on-par with writers like Steven Erikson.

I would be happy to contribute some stuff to the writing forum when I am able to finish some current pieces. I'm plagued by a chronic case of procrastination, even though I love writing. I also enter periods every so often when all I can really do is read other peoples' work so that I don't get lost in my own stuff.

On that note, Tayschrenn's work is very good, and has the capacity to be excellent. I gave a few insights to do my part in supporting other aspiring authors, and also because I thought it would be a worthwhile venture (he is the kind of writer whom I would expect would take criticism from peers well and improve). I won't really go far into my own intentions here, as it's his thread and I would hate to hijack it.

This post has been edited by Vesper: 14 February 2010 - 11:30 PM

[T'renn]

Taking a step back, Alric resheathed the dagger in his sleave, after which he rearranged the ragged clothes he was wearing. He looked up from the crumpled man on the floor to the audience, glaring. He then refocused on the lieutenant, asking:
“Lieutenant Skanza, is this man right? Was this a test? Do I have your cooperation and obedience?”
The lieutenant fixed his pale eyes on the man standing before him, still taken aback by the results of his behavior.
“Yes,…. Yes Sir, he is right, I hope I haven’t hurt you bad ?”
“It is I who should be asking that, shouldn’t it ?” the magistrate replied, offering him a hand to help him get up.
“Well thank you sir, can I leave, with your permission ?”
“All right, all right, leave already.” And the lieutenant left, taking half the audience with him, his underlings, one would presume, heading to the barracks. The man sitting in the gloom remained however.

“You however, I do want to remain.” Alric said to him. “Triff, was there anything other on the schedule ?”
“No, but I will contact you next week, at the third chime of the first day.”
“Well, I’ll see you then.” Alric replied, watching Triff stride out into the hallway.
“Now, who are you ?” he asked the man who had set aside the green beer.
“Magistrate, I am Martin Kiraler, of Schona on Fûr-Poortan, sir.”
“You are the mage, aren’t you ?”
“Hardly these days, my lord, me and my colleagues in the army are all without a drop of magic, save those dabbling in the Ladies side of Levod. And even those are deprived of their usual rituals and uses of it. Death has a different…. Taste here, if you will.”
The magistrate had to think about that.
“Different in what way ? Is it because the realm had so few new souls here on this world, the last few thousand years ?”
“Could very well be, sir. Also, this worlds god of death was left in place by the imperial government after the Claim. There was no reason to incarcerate or obliterate him.”
“What,” Alric asked “is his name ?”
“No one knows, but we call him… Elder.”

This post has been edited by Imperial High Mage Tayschrenn: 12 April 2010 - 06:29 PM

[Fist Gamet]

The dialogue is good enough, Tay, though I will return to a thought I had on that in a moment. Overall, it might be better served with a little more physical description of the actual scene (interspersed, I would imagine, throughout the dialogue to keep the flow and pace right). This is because I found it a bit confusing as you skipped from one character to the next. In such a short space you shifted focus between Alric, the Lt, the Magistrate (also Alric?) Triff and Schona and I didn't have the chance to know anything about any of them as a result.
I would suggest just slowing it down a little, playing it out. I would think that for you, the point of this scene was in the final few sentences so you might want to think of a way to ramp up the suspense a little to focus on its importance.
In all, free-flowing dialogue is often the hardest part to write, especially as you want to let each character's personality, mood, thoughts and motivation shine through the words. Whilst it flows well enough, I did not really 'feel' any emotion from Alric's words and actions, leaving him a bit flat 'on screen', if you like.

Just my thoughts, mate.

[T'renn]

And I thank you for those,

constructive criticism is ever the best

[T'renn]

“Elder” Alric, said. “Relates to the immense age of the world, I would presume.”

“Yes, sir.” the scrawny mage answered.

“Then let me ask this, Martin. Have there been any reactions of his to the meddling of your…. more morbid compatriots?”

“To be honest, he shows great reluctance to react to any transgression of mortals in his realm. Why are you asking, magistrate? Considering necromancy as an option?” he asked him. “I have to warn you. Those who have embraced it become ever more brazen, while others, like myself, who are more reluctant, keep only to banishing.”

Alric seemed to think about this for a moment, combing his hair – ash hued, like that of all on this world – with his left hand.

“Maybe the banishing part, Martin, but I think there are a few other things I would like to try”

“Like what, sir?”

Looking annoyed, Alric replied “For the moment that is none of your business.”

Flinching back, the mage answered; “Very well, sir. Permission to leave, sir? ”

“I have a few questions, before you can go. Where, for starters, can I find the engineer tolon? I have a request for them.”

“Opposite entrance from where you came in, stair to the right, then end of the hall.”

“And is that beer the only sort you got ?” he asked, horrified at the smell which filed the main hall.

“Well, about that, we don’t have the connections to buy stuff at one of the local breweries or at main supply at the inner city, so this is, as it were “Homebrew”.

“Very well, you are dismissed.”



Watching Martin depart, Alric seated himself at a free table from the opposite corner of where the mage had seemingly forgotten his smelly drink. Around him, conversation silenced from the remaining score men and women in the room. As they looked at him, he looked, one by one, at them. They returned to their conversations. Looking then, at the domed ceiling, which – covered with soot - let trough much light. So the storm outside had settled and the skies were clear, good. Admiring the patterns in which the soot covered dome let through the light, he brought up his hand towards the swelling spot on his cheek where the lieutenant had hit him. And that was only a glancing blow. Father, that bastard can punch. He felt in one of the inner pockets of his tattered grey trench coat. Ah, there it is. He retrieved a small glass Arcon-flask from it, containing a yellow brown fluid. From another pocket he took a rag from another pocket and poured a few drops of the Dwarf brewed whiskey on it. He then held it to his cheek with one hand and then took a swig of the flask,muttering.

“Magnus Bless”

Then putting it back in a pocket, being careful not to spill on his linen shirt. Well, it could have been worse.

Well, he was about to discover how much worse it could get.

[T'renn]

A different character now.

"Breathe...." the rasping voice exhorted.

"Breathe…." He repeated to the girl in the middle of the room.

She tried to speak to the master, but was silenced with a gesture.

"Concentrate, Lisse, concentrate."

Well, it was easy to say that, given the fact she stood in the middle of the vaulted cellar. The point was that it was filled to the chest of the white-haired woman. Not with water, nor sand, nor ash. No, it was filled with rats. Dead rats. When master Asnir had said he would test her, she hadn't expected the flood of rats coming from his cloak, down the cellar stairs on which he still stood. She had almost panicked, but then her Iron Will had kicked in, staring up in Asnirs bland brown eyes as the rats reached ever higher. Then suddenly, they all went limp. And there she stood, amidst a sea of corpses, dead cold ones too, so they had been dead before they entered the cellar. Yes, that is the hint; he wants me to get out of this, by moving them myself.

"Alise Yedhel, focus."

She stared into the eyes of the first rodent lying against her chest, its noxious smell filling her nostrils. The beady eyes were totally empty. Not a spark of life left in the small black orbs, as in all those of its dead brothers and sisters filling the room. She felt her clothes began the seep through with whatever had preserved them in that place from which Asnir had commanded them. She looked around again to search for live ones, but in absence of them, she focused on the on the eyes of the one before her. Gain access to the soul; retrieve a part of it to command it. But these were long dead, scoured probably. Could there still be a part of its being connected? Then it hit her.

"Eyes are windows into the soul." She mumbled

"Silence!"

The eyes, she lost herself into one, feeling a pull which she slowed. She slowly became aware of a new environment. A field of grass, specked with rocks, all strangely muted grey-ish. On the horizon, hills, a forest and mountains, without a sign of civilization. At about ten feet from her, a rat looked up at her, disturbed at its meal. Understanding then, she lunged for the rodent, her lithe form lifting free from the ground as she made a grab for the animal and, eventually, caught it. Asking herself what to do with it, she decided to go back to her own body, and, focusing on her own being, she did just that. She was back in the dimly lit cellar, among the rats. The one in front of her was now looking up at her, still dull.

"Good, now send it to me." It came from up the stairs. Focusing, she sent the rotting rodent skittering up the stair. There it climbed up Asnir's robes over his brush cut hair, to hang from the front of the face, hanging down, the rat looking into the man's own eyes.

"Oh very funny, girl. Now go get the rest."

IhM Tayschrenn

This post has been edited by Imperial High Mage Tayschrenn: 05 August 2010 - 07:32 PM

[T'renn]

She dived back in, easier this time, not focusing on a single rat. Now, looking on the field around her, she slowly discovered a score rats, then another, there… two, three, five score. She stretched out a single, pale hand in the direction of a few on the right, after which they twitched and then came to sit at her feet. She stretched out her other hand and again rats came running. The rats that were not under control yet however, startled. Now standing on their hind legs, they gazed at something behind the woman in rags. She smelled something now. Not the simple rot of the rats, but something more…..old. Like a tomb, freshly broken open, the essence of putrid flesh and dust. The rats in front of her had already scattered and scurried away, while the score rats under her control grew ever more difficult to contain. Without looking backwards, she took a surprisingly agile leap, landing four meters from where she had stood, making a half flip midair. Looking back, she now saw a claw of perhaps a meter in length where she had just stood, now impaling a rat. The others were nowhere to be seen, for obvious reasons.

The claw belonged to a scaled creature, standing three meters in height and having four arms ending in curved talons. A long tail lay behind the snakelike creature, but the head was far blunter than that of a snake, missing the forked tongue. The eyes had already rotten away and on places the scales had pealed of. She had lost concentration and could not just slip back to her body and estimating the situation, she started running. The beast had pulled its claw from the ground and started to follow, slithering round the rough rocks. The woman, Alise, rushed towards the part of the horizon not hidden by trees. If I go between the trees there, I’m certainly done for it. She thought. Also there seemed to be a more “red” on the grey over there. She kept on running, now noticing the rat souls by her side, hundreds. Distracted, she stumbled over a rock, continuing the falling move in a cartwheel. The undead beast still followed, though she seemed to winning terrain.

As she and the rats raced for the opening between the trees, she saw cairns on her left and right. They were a man height high and carried on all four sides an engraved skull pattern with arcane markings beneath them. A she tried to cross the scorched line between the two cairns closest to her, she was resisted. A few of the rat souls went up in incandescent light. In panic, she looked over her shoulder; she saw the reptilian demon closing in fast, closely followed now, by a second. In a frantic attempt, she threw all her will at the barrier and slipped through. On the other side of the barrier, color returned. The red seen earlier that of two suns setting. She now found herself on a heath with mesa’s in the distance.

IhM Tayschrenn

any comments btw ?

[Fist Gamet]

If I may? There were a few points that I wanted to mention. Its probably better to settle upon one system (perhaps a more old fashioned or unique one) of measuring heights and lengths. You have used "feet" "metres" (which I would use only in sci fi) and then "man height".
I still think that it flows better when you structure it more like the second part, rather than the first. Keeping the dialogue and prose interspersed for the most part reads smoother. You can even see the difference just by looking at it without reading the words.

"...then her iron will kicked in..." is a bit of tell, rather than show. If you rewrite so that her iron will is obvious to us without you having to say it, it will be much better for the reader.

"...surprisingly agile..." why is it surprising? Surprising to whom?

http://www.sfwriter.com/ow08.htm

http://www.writing-w.../dialogue.shtml

http://www.fantasy-w...um=4&section=28


Just a few links where I found some useful tips that might help.

As always, it is difficult to comment on much more because the excerpts are so short and out of context. If you've any specific things you hoped to gain let me know.