[Agraba]

I went to the doctor's office for a checkup the other day.

The doctor took a quick look, and walked out so I waited...

Then he came back and said "Ok Agraba, you need to stop masturbating."

"Why doc?" I asked.

"Because I'm trying to examine you."

[Slow Ben]

@Agraba. Nice!

Oldie, but a goodie.


A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on.
He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor.
He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.
He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot.
He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat.
Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers and beak.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station.
The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”
“No, no!,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream!“

[masan's saddle]

A woman in a coma is being given a sponge bath.
When they get to washing her privates, there is a slight response on the monitor.
The doctor calls in her husband and suggests that maybe a little oral sex could bring her out of the coma.
The husband draws the curtains for privacy but 2 mins later her monitor flatlines.
The doctor asks " what happened ?"
The husband replies "...i'm not sure, maybe she choked ?"

[Aptorian]

I haven't checked these to see if they are reposts, so don't shoot me. From another forum. Prepare for mediocrity:

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you?- A stick!

What's long brown and sticky?- A stick!

How does an elephant hide in a cherry tree?- She paints her toe nails red!

Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a cherry tree?- Works fuckin' well huh?

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?- Russel

What do you call the same man in the middle of a lake?- Bob

What do you call a woman with only one leg?-Eileen

What do you call an asian woman with only one leg?-Irene

What do you call a cow with only two legs?-Lean beef

What do you call a cow with no legs?-Ground beef

What do you call a deer with no eyes?-No-eye-deer (sounds like no idea)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?-Still-no-eye-deer.

So, I thought about going as a ghost for Halloween, but I figured meh, I'll kill myself next year.

So there was a shooting at the Gap... There were many casualtees.




Q: What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

A: Dr. Dre




why does Snoop carry an umbrella?

Fo drizzle.




Why does Snoop Dogg carry a frying pan?

Fo' sizzle.




Why does Snoop wear diapers?Fo' Shizzle.

Why does Snoop live in a basement? Fo' Fritzl.




Q. How does Snoop get his laundry so clean?

A. BLEEEEEEE-atch!




What's brown and runny?

Usain Bolt.

Q: What's red and smells like blue paint?A: Red paint.




Two fish are in a tank, one says "I'll drive, you man the turret!"




Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? Well, the wedding was terrible... but the reception was great!




Q: What's gray and comes in pints?

A: An elephant.

What do vegetarian zombies eat?Graaaaaaaaains...

What do zombie engineers drive? Traaaaaaains.


Where do zombies bowl? Laaaaaaanes.


What do zombies fly? Plaaaaaaanes.


What do zombies crave? Electrolyyyyyytes.




Q: Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?

A: Because if it had four it'd be a chicken sedan.




What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $5 a pound but deer nuts are under a buck.




What do you call nuts on a wall? Walnuts.


What do you call nuts on a chest? Chestnuts.


What do you call nuts on your chin?

Spoiler

A dick in your mouth.

Q. What's red and bad for your teeth?

A. A brick.




Why did the Buddhist monk tell the dentist he didn't want any novocaine?

Because he wanted to transcend dental medication.




What the zen master say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.




The hot dog vendor says "sure, that will be $3". The zen master handsover a $20 and receives his hot dog. he stands around for a while, thensays "Don't you owe me some change?" The hot dog vendor replies: "No,change must come from within".




I went to the vet and he said "I'll have to put your dog down." I asked why and he said "he's heavy."




What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken




This woman walks into a drugstore, approaches the guy at the counter and asks: "Do you have cotton balls?"

The guy looks at her and says: "What do I look like, a teddy bear?"




Q: What kind of bees make milk?

A: Boo-bees




Why do ducks have such big feet?

• To stomp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have such big feet?

• To stomp out flaming ducks.

[Salt-Man Z]

One of those reminded me of this one:

Q. What's green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

Spoiler

A. A pool table.

This post has been edited by Salt-Man Z: 23 September 2009 - 06:56 PM

[Aptorian]

I lol'd

[MTS]

In the same vein:

So a donkey walks into a bar (better get that ambulance for Bryn), and in a quiet voice he orders a drink. The bartender says "excuse me? I can't hear you". And the donkey says...'I'm sorry, I'm a little bit horse.'

What is the difference between Simba and OJ Simpson?
One's an African lion and the other is a lyin' African.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

[Slow Ben]

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.
'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older
and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'
She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to fuck off

[Aptorian]

Excellent Slow Ben.

[Salt-Man Z]

Terrible.


And funny.

[Tiste Simeon]

I just snorted on my keyboard...

[Macros]

Epic ben.
Reps a comin when I get to the laptop

[The Tyrant Lizard]

Warning... some of these are tasteless.

throwing acid is wrong... in some peoples eyes.

I was in a cab the other day, and the driver was talking up his job saying he's his own boss and no one tells him what to do. I said "turn left here."

How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage? Another 2 if I move my bike.

Whats worse than finding a magot in your apple? Gang rape.

I rang the council the other day and asked if I can have a skip outside my house. He said "you can run round the fucking block if you want."

When George Bush was presedent he phoned the Queen of England up for a chat. He asked her if he should change America into a Kingdom. She said no, you need to be a king to have a kingdom. So he said he might turn it into an empire. She said no, you need to be an emperor to have an empire; Why dont you just call it a country, George?

[Aptorian]

Quote

There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems. One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

The day for his execution came, and they took him out of his cell and brought him to the chair. The guard said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

The guards rewired the chair and tested it a few times, and it worked perfectly. They brought the man back and said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

Well, the guards bought a brand new electric chair. This one was amazing: leather seats, gold-plated armrests studded with rubies, the works. It was an incredible sight.

They brought the man back and asked, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened.

Now, in this particular state, there was a law that if someone survived the electric chair three times, he must be set free. So the man was released, and as soon as he stepped out of the prison, the press was all over him. He walked through the crowd and the flashing cameras until he saw a small man who asked, "Have you discovered some miraculous phenomenon of unripe green bananas?"

"No," he replied, "I've just always been a bad conductor."

This post has been edited by Aptorian: 26 September 2009 - 06:22 PM

[Aptorian]

Quote

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts. Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then west to Yellowstone. They reported to the localranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each day.

For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. There was no sign of the missing men.

They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists, because they feared an international incident.They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach and, sure enough, found the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."

This post has been edited by Aptorian: 26 September 2009 - 07:04 PM

[Happy Cat]

I read in the newspaper that a man was watching the World Cup match on TV when his wife came in and changed the channel, so this man gets up and kills his wife then sat back down to watch the rest of match. After the game was over he called the police to report the murder.

I cut that article out and placed it on the frig. Now I watch any thing I want.

[Slow Ben]

Nudist Colony

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his
first day he took off his clothes and started to
wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde
walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and
asked, 'did you call for me?'

The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain.
It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it
implies you called for me.' Smiling, she led him to
the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel
eagerly
pulled him to her and happily let him have his way
with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's
facilities. He entered the sauna and a s he sat down,
he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered
out of the steam room toward him.

'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a
rule that if you fart, it implies that you called
for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put
him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office
where he was greeted by a smiling, naked
receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

'Here's my membership card.. You can have the key
back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a
few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our
facilities.'

'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an
erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.
I'm outta here.'

[Sheve]

A man is out running in the woods, all of a sudden he see Santa Claus taking a piss at a tree.
The man runs up to Santa and asks him "wow is it really you?"
Santa answers him "yes its me, but we have a small problem here now. You see people are not suppose to know i exist for real, so you get 3 wishes if you promise to never say anything."
The man quickly agrees.
"Well then what will be you first wish?"
The man thinks for a minute "i would like to have a 10inch Penis!"
Santa does a gesture and the man quickly looks down as he feels something strange between his legs, and he had his 10 inch Penis!
Santa asks him for the second wish.
The man thinks for some time "I want the worlds most beautiful woman to fall in love with me!"
Santa once again does a small gesture and says "When you come home she will be waiting for you, The last wish please!"
The man thinks for a really really long time now and eventually he says "I would like to have unlimited amounts of money on my bank accounts!"
Now Santa looks abit troubled "Thats gonna be allot harder. if you really want this wish i´m gonna have to fuck you!"
The man thinks about it, Unlimited money vs being taken from behind hmm.....
Eventually he reluctantly agrees.

After Santa is done he leans forward and ask the man "How old are you?"
"I´m 38!"
"And you still believe in Santa?"

[Macros]

hmmm.

joke fails on the logic level of the dick growing, sorry

[Happy Cat]

Confidence: the ability to be wrong with absolute conviction.

Our employer states: We don't pull the wool over the customer's eyes.
No we pull the whole sheep.

Work like no-one is watching.
Love like you don't need the money.

If I won the mega millions lottery I would buy a 1 minute commercial on the Super Bowl showing me counting all of my money with a list of all the people I don't like scrolling across the screen.

The quickest way to spoil a good discussion is to include people who actually know what they're talking about.

All-You-Can-Eat buffets should have mirrors.

This post has been edited by Happy Cat: 15 October 2009 - 07:41 AM