[Gust Hubb]

Not my favorite version by far (email was to my dad and I think it was long ago deleted), but this is a personal favorite joke from my childhood (illustrious uncle again):

A group of Friars were behind on their mortgage payments on the abbey, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise money. Since everyone in town liked to buy flowers from the "Men of God," the rival florist across town saw his business take a tumble and thought the competition unfair.

The rival florist called and asked the good Friars to close down, but they refused. He personally went to the abbey to plead with the Friars, but they ignored him. He asked his mother to ask the Friars to get out of the florist business. They ignored her, too. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and meanest thug in town to "persuade" the Friars to close. Hugh went over to the abbey, beat the Friars up, trashed the shop, and left saying he'd be back if the Friars didn't close their florist business.

Terrified, the Friars did so, thereby proving, (brace yourself),













"That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist Friars."

[Beezulbubba]

There are these three mice hanging out at a mouse bar...drinking pints, whatever.

As the evening progresses and boasting tends to follow drinking, these three mice get into a "who is the bigger bad-ass" argument.

The first mouse takes a shot of whiskey and says "I'm so tough, whenever I see a mousetrap I swipe the cheese with one paw and catch the bar with the other paw and complete 50 bicep reps before I set it back down. After I finish eating the cheese I take a shit on the trap for the owner to find the next morning."

The other mice nod in agreement.

The second mouse slugs down two shots of rye and punches the first one on the arm and says "You think that's tough? My old lady, and I mean the old lady that owns the house where I have my home, puts poison out. I mix that shit in with my morning coffee and drink eight cups a day."

The other mice nod in agreement.

The first two mice then turn to the third mouse and give him a look that challenges him to try and top their two stories.

The third mouse finishes his pint of beer, pays his tab and says - "Well, time to go home and fuck the cat."

[Use Of Weapons]

via Twitter just now:

Q. Know any good jokes about sodium?
A. Na.

[Use Of Weapons]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all
day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The
guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a
while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in
his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical
practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be
the last. And you're single. Just let it go.."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to
reality,

Whispering:......
.
.
.
.
Dave.............
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...............you're a vet".

[Solidsnape]

Anyone know any good sodium jokes?


Na.

(will only work in some regional dialects!!)

[Solidsnape]

UseOfWeapons, on 14 July 2011 - 12:53 PM, said:

via Twitter just now:

Q. Know any good jokes about sodium?
A. Na.

You git. I just posted that. Must be a top joke.

[Solidsnape]

UseOfWeapons, on 14 July 2011 - 12:53 PM, said:

via Twitter just now:

Q. Know any good jokes about sodium?
A. Na.

You git. I just posted that. Must be a top joke.

[Use Of Weapons]

Solidsnape, on 14 July 2011 - 01:31 PM, said:

You git. I just posted that. Must be a top joke.

Lol -- another follower of Prof. Brian Cox, eh?

[Solidsnape]

Oh yes, indeedy!!!
He has legendary status IMHO!!
When i seen him on a talk show recently, wearing an Ian Brown t shirt, I just thought,
"Brian, you couldn't get any cooler if you tried!"

I'll be over here smoking a breakfast kipper for a certain physicist!!
Lol.

[Slow Ben]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey,
I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

This post has been edited by Slow Ben: 08 September 2011 - 05:21 PM

[Use Of Weapons]

I told a friend that I was in a new production of Hamlet.
He said, "Are you being facetious?"
I said, "No, Polonius"

[Illuyankas]

Orson Scott Card rewrote Hamlet for 'modern audiences', by which he means homophobes.

That's it, that's the joke.

[Beezulbubba]

After 10 children a wife has a small operation on her vagina to tighten it, which entails having some loose skin removed.

After the operation she wakes up to find three red roses on her bed. She asks the nurse who are they from and what are they for?

The nurse says:

"The first rose is from the doctor who performed the operation because it was a complete success."

"The second rose is from your husband. He can't wait to get you home for a great active sex life. The same as when you were teenagers."

The wife inquires: "What about the 3rd rose?"

The nurse replies: "Oh that's from Mr. Jones in the burn unit saying thanks for his new EARS!"

[worry]

Illuyankas, on 08 September 2011 - 06:36 PM, said:

Orson Scott Card rewrote Hamlet for 'modern audiences', by which he means homophobes.

That's it, that's the joke.

This guy. He must lose wisdom with age, as I can't believe he just lucked into the good stuff by accident. Unless he's that one monkey on that one typewriter who ends up with Ender's Game. It's possible, I suppose, since he's apparently not the monkey who successfully writes Shakespeare.

[King Lear]

Illuyankas, on 08 September 2011 - 06:36 PM, said:

Orson Scott Card rewrote Hamlet for 'modern audiences', by which he means homophobes.

That's it, that's the joke.

On the bright side, I now have something to write about for my next journal/blog entry thingy I'm supposed to be doing. Cheers Illy!

[Illuyankas]

No problem, I feel Scott Lynch's response in the form of a similarly modified Henry the Fifth might help too.

[Dolmen 2.0]

back on thread:

A baby was born laughing really hard with its fist closed!

The confused doctor unfolded its tiny fingers and found a birth
controll pill!!!

That was the day Chuck Norris Torvald fucking Nom was BORN.

Also lets not forget Rallick beating him too it by exiting out the ear:

Pic removed.

-Grief

[Adjutant Stormy~]

"Don't Wake Daddy," America's favorite childrens game that may or may not be about child abuse.

[frookenhauer]

David James was was poppong over the the local shop to pick up some milk when he spots a lot of smoke pouring out of a house down the street. He pulls up outside and jumps out and sees a woman holding a baby in the window and screaming for help.
"throw downwn the baby" He shouts up at her.
"No, you'll drop my baby!" the distraught lady replies.
I wont, I'm a goalkeeper, I'll catch it.
The woman thinks for a second and then nods an affirmative and says "ok, you ready?"
David's like "yeah, do it."
The lady drops the baby, cack handedly and David dives for the baby...Catches it! Then bounces it twice and kicks it over the wall.

[Slow Ben]

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when
he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion...
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.


'Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied...
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'



'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too. '

This post has been edited by Slow Ben: 09 September 2011 - 06:21 PM