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Illuyankas, on Jul 29 2008, 11:34 PM, said:
Where the fuck is Torvald Nom on this list?
Honestly now, this man is bad ass. We first see him chained to a pole in a slave pit with a bunch of other dead and dying dudes, manacled the fuck up, but does he give in to despair? No. He bluffs the first person to come in into freeing him. He bluffs Karsa Fucking Orlong into freeing his ass from this slave pit, which has broken dozens of Toblakai like twigs yet he's fine. And we find out he's the leader of a group of rebels, doing all that hardcore guerrilla warfare shit against none other than the motherfucking Malazan Empire! The continent spanning, packed-to-the-gills-with-soldiers-and-mages Malazan Empire! And he's defying them like it's nothing, which to this guy it isn't, because that's just how Torvald Nom rolls, bitches.
Anyway, after getting Karsa Motherfucking Orlong to free him from the slave pit (he must have recognised the same kind of true badassery that he himself possessed, only in greater amounts) he lets Karsa go off and beat the crap out of the Nathii while he goes to get his fellow rebels. Halfway there, he has a brainwave - what is my objective? The horrible deaths of my Malazan oppressors. Where are most of them? In Malaz Island! What's the fastest way to Malaz Island? Let himself be captured! So he goes and beats the shit out of a patrol, and lets the last surviving member take him captive then meets up with his former cellmate and fellow badass Karsa Motherfucking Orlong again and they get shipped to Otataral Island, where he plans to jump ship and swim to Malaz Island, because when you're Torvald Nom you know Mael's got your back. Cause Mael can't handle the shit that'll hit his fan if Torvald Nom drowns in his pond, bitches.
Now Torvald Nom and Karsa Motherfucking Orlong are heading to Otataral Island, via cart and ship, and Torvald's maneuvered his co-prisoner into getting to lie down for the whole trip over the boring landscape, and getting to hang upright for the excellent view on deck. No pal of Torvald Nom's going to have to lift a finger during a boring trip if he can help it - he's just that much of a friend. So he's sitting there talking to Karsa Motherfucking Orlong, giving him examples of the kind of wit and candour you need to be a badass barbarian buttkicker, when they go to lift him onto the boat and the accidental ligature damage kicks in. Torvald Nom saw this coming, and 'suggested' to the captain that they pour rum down Karsa Motherfucking Orlong's throat to stop the 'screaming' (those chains are mighty ticklish), so his buddy gets a massive amount of free booze, courtesy of Torvald Nom. He's the best, most badass friend you'll ever need.
So, after they're continuing on their voyage, the Crippled God - King of High House Emo Girly Men - decides to fuck Torvald Nom's plans and uses his enormous powers to blast the living fuck out of the ship with magical chainy lightning, killing everyone on board but his totally unwilling Toblakai 'slave'. Oh, and TORVALD NOM, BITCHES! He just shrugs off the Chained One's attack and accompanies Karsa Motherfucking Orlong into the Nascent, a realm said to have been flooded by the machinations of the Bikelock God, but which probably flooded when Mother Dark heard Torvald Nom was coming. So Torvald Nom and Karsa Motherfucking Orlong arrive in this puddle, he gathers some supplies, checks out the view, has a fucking nap JUST BECAUSE HE CAN and then, almost as an afterthought, goes and frees Karsa Motherfucking Orlong from his chained raft thing. A few huge catfish that get Torvald'd later, they find an Edur ship and board it. Now, since Torvald is a generous badass, he kindly offers to let Karsa go first while he searched for some more food, as a twenty foot long fish is merely brunch to Torvald Nom. After Karsa Motherfucking Orlong kills every Edur on the ship, including Trull's brother for having such a crybaby sibling, they grab a boat, find the craven slavemaster and 'friends' who dared to imprison Torvald Nom and Karsa Motherfucking Orlong and drag him with them to throw at the wall of the Nascent until it lets them out.
The Nascent decides to be sensible and lets them out, back to their home world, but fucks up out of fear and cuts off the bottom of the boat, forcing them to swim back. This does not go down well, even when Mael decides to help them out by sending a shark to go eat the douchbags they brought with them. The shark gets a couple, but also gets blood on Torvald Nom and Karsa Motherfucking Orlong, and the two see who's closest to the bothersome fish. Karsa Motherfucking Orlong is, and he JUMPS HALFWAY OUT OF THE WATER TO HIT THE SHARK IN THE HEAD WITH A FUCKING SWORD, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEA HOLY FUCK THAT IS TOTALLY AWESOME AND HE AND TORVALD NOM HIGH FIVE WHILE STANDING ON THE WATER THEN MOONWALK TO THE BEACH WHILE CROTCHTHRUSTING BECAUSE GRAVITY AND SURFACE TENSION CAN JUST TAKE IT
So they get to the shore, let the puny girly men go because it's beneath them to kill them when things like a strong breeze or an irate sheep could kick their asses, and go off down the coast. In a big fuckoff lighthouse they meet Urko Crust, the best fister in the world and one of the few badasses on the same level of Torvald Nom and Karsa Motherfucking Orlong. His house is covered with massive fuckoff skeletons of dinosaurs, and while he says they were fossils, I'm pretty sure they were made extinct BY Urko, so he'd have an alternative interior decoration to those three ducks. Pottery poultry? Not badass. Tyrannosaurus head? BADASS. Anyway, Karsa Motherfucking Orlong's badassery detection senses aren't properly finished by this point, so he gives Urko some sassy backtalk about his collection of dead building sized maneating lizards, so Urko teaches him some manners and PUNCHES HIM, KARSA MOTHERFUCKING ORLONG, TO FUCKING UNCONSCIOUSNESS WITH ONE PUNCH because no-one disses the Urk. He's too sensible to try the same with Torvald Nom, though, because Torvald Nom will end your shit if you do. So then he and the Urk start knocking walls down, using Karsa Motherfucking Orlong's comatose body to do it with, but with respect, because the Urk's fist broke on his torso. The Urk's fist This thing is invincible. You name it, he punched it. He forged Brood's hammer because nothing else was as hard before it, he punched every other moon out of the sky because they got in the way, he punched a sky keep out of a mountain range to see how it worked, then punched it back in. Anything you can imagine being destroyed, he punched it. JFK, 9/11, Tunguska, Hiroshima, Nagasaki, the Big Bang, that's the Urk's pimp hand in action. And he broke it on Karsa Motherfucking Orlong's ribs. Now that's Respect Knuckles.
So Karsa Motherfucking Orlong wakes up, helps collapse a wall of the Urk's house (because fuck pictures, we've got a fuckoff huge dinosaur head to put there), then he and Torvald Nom head off before the close proximity of so many badasses warps spacetime and gives Rodeo pants. They're walking down this path when they see the cowardly slavemaster, who they let live because of distaste, corner them with masses of Arak warriors. Now, most people would have seen captivity and slavery faced with this situation. What Torvald Nom and Karsa Motherfucking Orlong saw, however, was a free ride to somewhere with a bar. They let themselves get captured, then when sufficiently bored Torvald Nom goes and signals the Gral - most badass of all tribes - to come and kick some ass. As soon as he does, a pissant Arak tribesman comes up and cuts his throat. Cuts the motherfucking throat of Torvald Nom. Hoo, boy. It's a shame that Karsa Motherfucking Orlong had left earlier to go find the bar as it was his round, as the world had never before seen the sheer MOTHERFUCKING FURY unleashed that day. Imagine Icarium, in full continent-stripping rage mode. Imagine all that power focused into one boot. Imagine that boot meeting that Arak tribesman's ass.
When the Gral got there, following the light of the fire and the sound of a blender, all they could see were bits of Arak decorating the landscape, a fine red mist falling, and Torvald Nom straightening his clothing nonchalantly. As fellow badasses, the Gral paid the systematic spurts of blood shooting from Torvald Nom's gaping neck wound as much attention as he did, and set up a trading agreement with him there and then. Before going off and creating a business empire (Torvald Nom & Co. Asskicking Incorporated) he decided to take his new departmental heads off to visit Karsa Motherfucking Orlong for a seminar in SWORDING SHARKS IN THE FACE HOLY FUCK THAT IS STILL SO AWESOME and delegation. While there, he and Karsa agree to meet in Darujistan later for those beers and go their separate ways, for now.
And then, AND THEN... Toll The Hounds.
So, in summary, Torvald Nom is the most badass character in the series.
Honestly now, this man is bad ass. We first see him chained to a pole in a slave pit with a bunch of other dead and dying dudes, manacled the fuck up, but does he give in to despair? No. He bluffs the first person to come in into freeing him. He bluffs Karsa Fucking Orlong into freeing his ass from this slave pit, which has broken dozens of Toblakai like twigs yet he's fine. And we find out he's the leader of a group of rebels, doing all that hardcore guerrilla warfare shit against none other than the motherfucking Malazan Empire! The continent spanning, packed-to-the-gills-with-soldiers-and-mages Malazan Empire! And he's defying them like it's nothing, which to this guy it isn't, because that's just how Torvald Nom rolls, bitches.
Anyway, after getting Karsa Motherfucking Orlong to free him from the slave pit (he must have recognised the same kind of true badassery that he himself possessed, only in greater amounts) he lets Karsa go off and beat the crap out of the Nathii while he goes to get his fellow rebels. Halfway there, he has a brainwave - what is my objective? The horrible deaths of my Malazan oppressors. Where are most of them? In Malaz Island! What's the fastest way to Malaz Island? Let himself be captured! So he goes and beats the shit out of a patrol, and lets the last surviving member take him captive then meets up with his former cellmate and fellow badass Karsa Motherfucking Orlong again and they get shipped to Otataral Island, where he plans to jump ship and swim to Malaz Island, because when you're Torvald Nom you know Mael's got your back. Cause Mael can't handle the shit that'll hit his fan if Torvald Nom drowns in his pond, bitches.
Now Torvald Nom and Karsa Motherfucking Orlong are heading to Otataral Island, via cart and ship, and Torvald's maneuvered his co-prisoner into getting to lie down for the whole trip over the boring landscape, and getting to hang upright for the excellent view on deck. No pal of Torvald Nom's going to have to lift a finger during a boring trip if he can help it - he's just that much of a friend. So he's sitting there talking to Karsa Motherfucking Orlong, giving him examples of the kind of wit and candour you need to be a badass barbarian buttkicker, when they go to lift him onto the boat and the accidental ligature damage kicks in. Torvald Nom saw this coming, and 'suggested' to the captain that they pour rum down Karsa Motherfucking Orlong's throat to stop the 'screaming' (those chains are mighty ticklish), so his buddy gets a massive amount of free booze, courtesy of Torvald Nom. He's the best, most badass friend you'll ever need.
So, after they're continuing on their voyage, the Crippled God - King of High House Emo Girly Men - decides to fuck Torvald Nom's plans and uses his enormous powers to blast the living fuck out of the ship with magical chainy lightning, killing everyone on board but his totally unwilling Toblakai 'slave'. Oh, and TORVALD NOM, BITCHES! He just shrugs off the Chained One's attack and accompanies Karsa Motherfucking Orlong into the Nascent, a realm said to have been flooded by the machinations of the Bikelock God, but which probably flooded when Mother Dark heard Torvald Nom was coming. So Torvald Nom and Karsa Motherfucking Orlong arrive in this puddle, he gathers some supplies, checks out the view, has a fucking nap JUST BECAUSE HE CAN and then, almost as an afterthought, goes and frees Karsa Motherfucking Orlong from his chained raft thing. A few huge catfish that get Torvald'd later, they find an Edur ship and board it. Now, since Torvald is a generous badass, he kindly offers to let Karsa go first while he searched for some more food, as a twenty foot long fish is merely brunch to Torvald Nom. After Karsa Motherfucking Orlong kills every Edur on the ship, including Trull's brother for having such a crybaby sibling, they grab a boat, find the craven slavemaster and 'friends' who dared to imprison Torvald Nom and Karsa Motherfucking Orlong and drag him with them to throw at the wall of the Nascent until it lets them out.
The Nascent decides to be sensible and lets them out, back to their home world, but fucks up out of fear and cuts off the bottom of the boat, forcing them to swim back. This does not go down well, even when Mael decides to help them out by sending a shark to go eat the douchbags they brought with them. The shark gets a couple, but also gets blood on Torvald Nom and Karsa Motherfucking Orlong, and the two see who's closest to the bothersome fish. Karsa Motherfucking Orlong is, and he JUMPS HALFWAY OUT OF THE WATER TO HIT THE SHARK IN THE HEAD WITH A FUCKING SWORD, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEA HOLY FUCK THAT IS TOTALLY AWESOME AND HE AND TORVALD NOM HIGH FIVE WHILE STANDING ON THE WATER THEN MOONWALK TO THE BEACH WHILE CROTCHTHRUSTING BECAUSE GRAVITY AND SURFACE TENSION CAN JUST TAKE IT
So they get to the shore, let the puny girly men go because it's beneath them to kill them when things like a strong breeze or an irate sheep could kick their asses, and go off down the coast. In a big fuckoff lighthouse they meet Urko Crust, the best fister in the world and one of the few badasses on the same level of Torvald Nom and Karsa Motherfucking Orlong. His house is covered with massive fuckoff skeletons of dinosaurs, and while he says they were fossils, I'm pretty sure they were made extinct BY Urko, so he'd have an alternative interior decoration to those three ducks. Pottery poultry? Not badass. Tyrannosaurus head? BADASS. Anyway, Karsa Motherfucking Orlong's badassery detection senses aren't properly finished by this point, so he gives Urko some sassy backtalk about his collection of dead building sized maneating lizards, so Urko teaches him some manners and PUNCHES HIM, KARSA MOTHERFUCKING ORLONG, TO FUCKING UNCONSCIOUSNESS WITH ONE PUNCH because no-one disses the Urk. He's too sensible to try the same with Torvald Nom, though, because Torvald Nom will end your shit if you do. So then he and the Urk start knocking walls down, using Karsa Motherfucking Orlong's comatose body to do it with, but with respect, because the Urk's fist broke on his torso. The Urk's fist This thing is invincible. You name it, he punched it. He forged Brood's hammer because nothing else was as hard before it, he punched every other moon out of the sky because they got in the way, he punched a sky keep out of a mountain range to see how it worked, then punched it back in. Anything you can imagine being destroyed, he punched it. JFK, 9/11, Tunguska, Hiroshima, Nagasaki, the Big Bang, that's the Urk's pimp hand in action. And he broke it on Karsa Motherfucking Orlong's ribs. Now that's Respect Knuckles.
So Karsa Motherfucking Orlong wakes up, helps collapse a wall of the Urk's house (because fuck pictures, we've got a fuckoff huge dinosaur head to put there), then he and Torvald Nom head off before the close proximity of so many badasses warps spacetime and gives Rodeo pants. They're walking down this path when they see the cowardly slavemaster, who they let live because of distaste, corner them with masses of Arak warriors. Now, most people would have seen captivity and slavery faced with this situation. What Torvald Nom and Karsa Motherfucking Orlong saw, however, was a free ride to somewhere with a bar. They let themselves get captured, then when sufficiently bored Torvald Nom goes and signals the Gral - most badass of all tribes - to come and kick some ass. As soon as he does, a pissant Arak tribesman comes up and cuts his throat. Cuts the motherfucking throat of Torvald Nom. Hoo, boy. It's a shame that Karsa Motherfucking Orlong had left earlier to go find the bar as it was his round, as the world had never before seen the sheer MOTHERFUCKING FURY unleashed that day. Imagine Icarium, in full continent-stripping rage mode. Imagine all that power focused into one boot. Imagine that boot meeting that Arak tribesman's ass.
When the Gral got there, following the light of the fire and the sound of a blender, all they could see were bits of Arak decorating the landscape, a fine red mist falling, and Torvald Nom straightening his clothing nonchalantly. As fellow badasses, the Gral paid the systematic spurts of blood shooting from Torvald Nom's gaping neck wound as much attention as he did, and set up a trading agreement with him there and then. Before going off and creating a business empire (Torvald Nom & Co. Asskicking Incorporated) he decided to take his new departmental heads off to visit Karsa Motherfucking Orlong for a seminar in SWORDING SHARKS IN THE FACE HOLY FUCK THAT IS STILL SO AWESOME and delegation. While there, he and Karsa agree to meet in Darujistan later for those beers and go their separate ways, for now.
And then, AND THEN... Toll The Hounds.
So, in summary, Torvald Nom is the most badass character in the series.
This post has been edited by Hetan: 26 March 2009 - 08:56 AM
