[Apocalypse Now]

Before I get started, that yes, I KNOW it’s just for kids, this is meant for humor. Oh yeah, and spoilers.

Now it’s time to get extra fucking serious. Throughout reading this supposed “masterpiece” of fantasy fiction I came across many OBVIOUS FLAWS in this universe that Rowling has constructed. Let me begin by saying that, with fantasy, writers have a rare opportunity in creating an entire universe that can break Earth rules at will because, hey, it’s in another friggin universe! Not so with Rowling. She instead chose the route of using our world, set in modern times, making modern people seem idiotic while simultaneously borrowing her creatures from existing mythology and taking her names off of maps(which she said in an interview.) Now I am an aspiring novelist, and I’ve had quite a bit of interest in this genre, and I can tell you, building a world is fucking time consuming. It seems to me that this world took no less than one solid day of thinking and notes to create, with some Latin needed to reference names for spells.

First, let’s get to this whole ‘Voldemort’ problem. I came up with a brilliantly simple solution to getting rid of him, and it would have never happened if Rowling didn’t have a stupid scene in one of her books. Remember in the 6th book, the Minister of Magic comes storming into the real British prime minister’s office and had an exchange with him. This is how it went, more or less:

Quote

Minister of Magic: DUDE, THERE’S SOME CRAZY SHIT GOING DOWN IN OUR WIZARDING WORLD, YOU MUGGLES BETTER WATCH YOUR ASSES BECAUSE SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET CRAZY! VOLDEMORT IS BACK AND HE MEANS BUSINESS! GTG K BYE!

Prime Minister: Um….k

I stopped my reading right there and pondered that. Rowling portrays this muggle as weak and he thanks MoM for the warning. But wait a minute, why would he? Let’s look at the magic in this world for a second.

According to the books, there are only 3 spells in the wizarding world that can totally wreck a person, and of course, they are illegal. Think about what it takes to cast a spell if you are a wizard. You need to flick your wrist and say a phrase in Latin.

From an ORDINARY, 9MM HANDGUN, the bullet travels at about 1000-1200 feet per SECOND. So why was the real Prime minister such a pussy? Seriously, send in a squad of some British special ops, problem solved. Those guys are trained to keep secrets, don’t worry about your broom loving world’s secrecy. A sniper could take care of Voldemort. It’s not like he can do anything about it, or sense it. Wizards have no clue about how advanced muggles are.

Think about Wizards technologically and intellectually. They have stunted their own growth. They are like Neanderthals, a wrong turn in the scheme of evolution and by all rights should be dying out. They use magic as a crutch. Sure, before the industrial revolution, Wizards may have had an edge, but now we are light years ahead of these fuckers. I bet a wizard can’t even fathom the destructive power of a HYDROGEN BOMB. Avada kedavra or whatever won’t save you from getting vaporized instantly.

The person in the Wizard government whose job is to study Muggles has NO CLUE how concepts like drag and propulsion work! He sounds like a retard when he asks Harry “AWW MAN HOW DO YOU MUGGLES GET THOSE AIRPLANES TO WORK WTFFFF”

Who else has noticed that these people seem to be cultural xenophobes? In the movies and whenever a wizard song is mentioned, it always has to do with being a wizard. “Hot Cauldron Full of Love.” In the movie Goblet of Fire, at the ball, the kids go nuts for what is essentially a clichéd punk band that just adds wizard stuff to the lyrics. Have these people ever heard of the Beatles, what about Mozart? Beethoven? Michelangelo? Shakespeare? It’s like these universal human artists get thrown out the window at the same time as you get chosen for a house. I wouldn’t even bring the whole culture thing up except for the fact that A BIG PORTION OF THE WIZARDS SEEM TO HAVE MUGGLE PARENTS AND SPEND SUMMERS IN MUGGLE CULTURE. How is it, that NONE of these things have crossed over? “Sorry, you’re a wizard now, so all you can like is songs about cauldrons.”

Another thing, Wizards have photographs that move around, but haven’t thought of movies? What? If I was a Wizard I would never become a painter. Imagine working on a masterpiece, making a statement about the senselessness about oppression of wizards with Muggle blood, then hanging it up at Hogwarts, all of a sudden to have it come alive and start visiting all these other paintings? What the hell man, I tried to make a statement, and now some fat ladies are having a tea party in my masterpiece. Fucking great.

When you think about how the kids in the books act(yes shutup, I know they are kidsbooks, but still, give me a break), I think it is safe to say that JK Rowling never went out and was never involved with interesting friends AT ALL.

I refuse, absolutely refuse, to believe that THOUSANDS of 11-17 years olds are living in a castle with at most, 100 adults. WHY ISN’T THERE MORE MISCHIEF GOING ON? I refuse to believe that casual sex isn’t a normal thing in Hogwarts. There’s too many hormones for their NOT to be.

Seriously, why the hell does EVERYONE act awkward with the other sex, especially Harry? Harry is a god damn celebrity, and has no right to act awkward like he does, he’s famous and for all intents and purposes is the fucking quarterback of the damn football team(seeker on Quidditch team? Total jock). He should be getting SO MANY CHICKS, but he isn’t.
These kids are REQUIRED take CLASSES that teach them the ins and outs of making potions, and REQUIRED to take classes about herbs and botany. I refuse to believe there isn’t wizard marijuana, or wizard alcohol, where kids are experimenting with that stuff. And don’t use the argument that they wouldn’t do drugs because there is too much to do like fly brooms and other crazy stuff in their world. In their world flying brooms is normal, so why would they care, it’s like driving a car, and all the other mystical stuff is normal for them. Talking painting? Yeah whatever that happens all the time dude. Teleportation? Yeah man it sucks that I can’t teleport yet, I hate waiting!.

Nobody has ever said: sorry, I don’t smoke weed because I like to drive cars. I can understand not driving and doing weed, but the existence of a transportation device is no excuse. It’s like saying “I don’t like dogs because I like TV”

I’m going to make a leap here and say that Gryffindor is full of all the holier-than-thou snobs who are goody-goody and follow all the rules, the exception being Fred and George Weasly, who by default probably get the most pussy out of all the Gryffindor guys because they are probably cool people.

I’d rather be in Slytherin actually. The way Rowling writes things, they seem like the most accurate portrayal of regular teenagers. I bet Slytherin girls put out. They all probably think “Malfoy is a douche, but whatever, he totally busts that kid Harry’s balls. I hate that guy. Also, I think he’s racist.”
Now imagine this scenario:

Quote

Normal Wizard Kid: Hey Harry, what’s going on man? Wanna hang out later, what you doing after the Quidditch game?

Potter: Yeah dude I’m going to go save the world and probably help a lot of people out, wanna come, also by the way you’ll probably get close to dying but I’ll save you so no big deal?

Normal Wizard Kid: That doesn’t sound like fun at all. Fuck you Potter.

I would NEVER hang out with Harry. Sorry, I just don’t feel like going through all that adventure stuff, I have a test in Divination tomorrow.

This post has been edited by Apocalypse Now: 29 December 2008 - 05:16 AM

[HoosierDaddy]

Apocalypse Now, on Dec 28 2008, 11:07 PM, said:

I’m going to make a leap here and say....[:]

You are... nicely put arrogant, and I will within a couple days completely deconstruct your so called "scholarly" article in an actual scholarly method. I.e. I will quote and cite and make logical arguments as opposed to opinions posed as logical statements. But......

Before I even get to that, I would scholarly-esque advise you to scholarly-esque read the scholarly-written rules and not create a new thread when one exists. I'd advise you to put your pretension aside and take the forthcoming obliteration in the scholarly-esque manner in which it is presented.

This post has been edited by HoosierDaddy: 29 December 2008 - 06:00 AM

[Apocalypse Now]

HoosierDaddy, on Dec 29 2008, 05:59 AM, said:

Apocalypse Now, on Dec 28 2008, 11:07 PM, said:

I’m going to make a leap here and say....[:]

You are... nicely put arrogant, and I will within a couple days completely deconstruct your so called "scholarly" article in an actual scholarly method. I.e. I will quote and cite and make logical arguments as opposed to opinions posed as logical statements. But......

Before I even get to that, I would scholarly-esque advise you to scholarly-esque read the scholarly-written rules and not create a new thread when one exists. I'd advise you to put your pretension aside and take the forthcoming obliteration in the scholarly-esque manner in which it is presented.

I was being sarcastic, I know it's not scholarly. Nobody who writes a scholarly article actually puts "A Scholarly Essay" as a description.

But go ahead, write a big argument deconstructing my sarcastic article against the Harry Potter universe where I intentionally make it opinion based and put on a pretentious facade. I'm sure it will be well worth your time and an intellectual and contemplative person like me eagerly awaits your surely futile rebuke!

Oh ho!

This post has been edited by Apocalypse Now: 29 December 2008 - 06:21 AM

[amphibian]

This isn't funny or informative. I will now proceed to give this the ignoring it deserves.

[Tapper]

amphibian, on Dec 29 2008, 08:25 AM, said:

This isn't funny or informative. I will now proceed to give this the ignoring it deserves.

Seconded.

Aside from that, I'll permit myself one comment, and that's on your comment on the setting, it being this world and that being lazy: think again. It's discarding total freedom for known constraints, and then setting out to break them again. It's one of the things that people find inspiring in Jim Butcher's Dresden Files, in the Anita Blake novels and in White Wolf's Storyteller RPGs.
Dresden Files and the Anita Blake series both go into double digits in the volumes written, WW is one of the more succesful RPG-line producers, so there definately is a market. Rowling's profits alone prove that.

Whether or not Rowling uses the setting well, is an entirely different discussion, but I would not call the decision itself uninspired, dull or whatever. In fact, it's (to mirror your own deliberate use of swearwords) fucking smart when appealing to the market segment she aimed for: kids who do not read a lot, and their parents who buy them these books - because the setting is 'Suitable for all ages' in the american/victorian sense of the word: no nipples, no comments on religion, no drugs, but some violence is ok.

Of course, you could claim being ironic about that too... in which case, just admit you wish you had the idea first

[The Tyrant Lizard]

The trouble with this thread is that I could tear apart every book I've ever read if I wanted to. I could say that in evolutionary terms giant flying dragons would never be able to exist on a planet with the same gravitational pull as one that saw humans evolve. I won't though, because its not real, and I know it.

Also the OP mentioned it already... its a kids' book. Kids' books are allowed to be fantastical. But I will say that Mr Strong of Mr Men fame would have killed his own mother when she gave birth to him. Too many angles

[Dancer+]

I think there are some interesting points but I'd like to point out that even though Humans are advanced they would still lose horribly to a couple of thousand well-trained intelligent and patient wizards worldwide. I would go into why but suffice to say Wizards have a lot of abilities/spells that Humans cannot counter, in fact cannot resist.

[Macros]

The notions put forth are valid and have always bugged me about the snotter universe, but they are YA and so need the muggels (inept sidekicks) to be inept and foolish, and the wizards to be suitably confused by what makes the inept sidekick tick. Were the books aimed at an older age group ala Malazan then yes the god awful writing style (which I have commented on before, and stand by my sentiment that even for YA authoring she sucks. once she hits the big books, her style can't support anything bigger than book 3) and world building should be torn apart. But children (being children) don't give a damn that the muggles (which they are) are moronic useless types, because they want to be in harry's gang, the slytherins are monical wearing villans of our 1940's Errol flynn flick, but thats what kids need, black and white.
Had the approach to the mockery and slatting of the books been a little more subtle then amusement would have been derived, but alas, you over egged the pudding, and we know what that does.

[Apocalypse Now]

Right, so maybe I went a little too far in my ranting. Where does that leave us?

[Cougar]

Everyone wind their necks in and keep it friendly.All the Potter apologists over 23 go and read something for adults and stop whining

[bubba]

Cougar, on Dec 29 2008, 12:50 PM, said:

Everyone wind their necks in and keep it friendly.All the Potter apologists over 23 go and read something for adults and stop whining

Up yours face painter!!!!

[Illuyankas]

Was funny up until after the xenophobe paragraph, where it was dragging on a bit.

Also the idea that a series of books aimed at kids can be crap because, golly, they're only kids and don't need to know good writing is the most offensive thing in this thread.

[The Tyrant Lizard]

In terms of world building and realism, surely childrens' books can be more lenient towards a lack there of?

[Tapper]

Illuyankas, on Dec 29 2008, 07:30 PM, said:

Was funny up until after the xenophobe paragraph, where it was dragging on a bit.

Also the idea that a series of books aimed at kids can be crap because, golly, they're only kids and don't need to know good writing is the most offensive thing in this thread.

When was the last time you gave War and Peace or 'One flew over the cuckoo's nest' to a ten year old?
It's not that they don't need good writing, it's that this is the kind of inoffensive (and shallow for us) book that parents want/don't mind their children to read so that their tender souls aren't harmed... which is a whole world away from the bonesmashing, bloodfountains and dark themes of SE. Or the 8 o clock news and Discovery Channel, for that matter.

This post has been edited by Tapper: 29 December 2008 - 06:39 PM

[Illuyankas]

You can have inoffensive and shallow AND good at the same time, you know. It just seems like laziness not to aim for at least quality for kids books, perhaps we'd have more kids reading different series after they finish Harry Potter.

[Tapper]

True, I wonder what happened to Roald Dahl sale figures post Potter. I can't imagine anyone finding Potter amusing after reading some of his stories at an earlier age, and they too touch the supernatural. Still, a lot of kids seem to like Potter, so... something is done right appealwise by the books, I'd say.

[caladanbrood]

Who would read Harry Potter and still care about consistancy, realism and facts?

[Cougar]

I find this idea that children are these highly discerning critics grossly stupidm they aren't.The harshest critics are, well, critics. Children will read all manner of shit the same as adults. Potter is the kids equivalent of Dan Browns awful derivative sludge.It maybe enjoyable but don't try to sell me the idea that it's somehow genius cos kids like it and they posses some kind of insight the rest of the jaded adult population don't

[HoosierDaddy]

I was drunk and my rancor was perhaps caused mostly by that fact, and by the fact that I obviously am biased. I apologize. I also don't want to go on a big diatribe.

[Camel]

I, for one, enjoyed the Harry Potter books. It will never be known for its detailed world-building, but for pure entertainment value, it's not that bad. What I enjoyed the most was how Rowling grew as a writer along with her readers. The first book was written in such a way that a 12 year old could read it and understand it all. The last book was written at a much more adult level (in terms of sentence structure, story structure, grammar, vocabulary, and detail of plot).