[Gwynn ap Nudd]

It's Friday evening, just got home from work, feeling somewhat shell shocked.

One of those work things I guess. Very busy week/month. Went in today thinking I could finally get reasonably caught up by the end of the day. Get a panic job (client needs it Monday and it is three-four days of work) dropped on me. Goodbye weekend, hello other pissed off clients who just had thier stuff pushed back.

Like my job most of the time, but shit like this sucks. Going to go pour myself a scotch or three and try to pretend today didn't happen for a few hours.

This post has been edited by Gwynn ap Nudd: 22 March 2014 - 01:17 AM

[Malaclypse]

Jesus Christ that sounds grim.

I would lose my fucking mind and lash out at any motherfucker that expected me to put up with the shit that you are describing.

What do you imagine you are gaining by eating this quantity of excrement?

[High House Dark]

My (ex)bf broke up with me yesterday afternoon, with a handful of good reasons and one very very shitty reason. We were together for 6 months.. and I'm devastated - I hadn't told him I love him, but I do, and I was waiting until the "let's move-in together" conversation to do so. Instead, he thought about living together, thought about the long-term, and had some reasons on why that would probably not work, and also had a gut feeling we weren't going to work overall. Then, a couple of days BEFORE the break-up, his two closest friends (a married couple) inform him that they hadn't been inviting him out and coming over to his place because of me - they don't like me. They told me I had said really hurtful things to his wife the last time we had a little party at my ex's place - all I had done was ask her if she was worried about wanting to adopt an Asian baby (she's white) because she might not relate culturally/racially. But apparently, this translated to me thinking she was an awful person and me being super judgmental, despite the fact I asked in a very conversational, friendly, and curious tone (because I was curious what this lady thought about that, since it can be important to that sort of topic). So based on that, they don't like me, and were taking it out on my ex. He told me it made him furious and he was very mad at them, but obviously, he took their feelings more importantly than mine. What really sucks is I understand - he's known these two for a very very long time, and even though I very much think he's outgrown them in terms of maturity and progressiveness, they mean a lot to him. AND they were there for him for a really bad divorce he went through a couple of years ago. So no matter how much he may care for me, or what bad aspects they may have about them, they are very important to him, and he clearly wants them in his life to the point where he couldn't have me in his life. What I'm also angry about is that even though his handful of good reasons made sense, they were never brought up before - I had to wonder if these things bothered him to THAT much of a degree that they warranted a break-up, or if he just took that all in due to his friends' feelings about me. Either way I realize completely I need to stop wondering that because I'll never find out, and I shouldn't worry about finding out. If he has immature friends that basically posed a choice to him (that no friend should do), which was pick them or pick me, he picked them. That's on him, no matter how much I love him.

I cried the entire drive home, and cried all night. I woke up this morning, and 5 minutes after being awake, I just cried more. It's not until I paced my apartment for an hour, talking it out in my head, have I finally found a bit of peace with the whole thing, even if I am still upset. It helped that I grabbed EVERYTHING from his place and brought it back, and that I got him to swing by one last time to grab his stuff here and for us to exchange our extra keys. After he put stuff in his car, he asked if everything was alright, and I told him no, and told him that I had asked him so many times over the course of our relationship if everything was ok, if wanted to talk about anything bothering him - I was always open to communication. I said he always replied the same - that he was just fine, that he would definitely tell me if something was bothering him. He started to reply with "Well..." and then clearly had nothing to say. I started to cry again so I just turned around and went back into my place, without looking at him.

What hurts the most is that since I realized I love him, I started having the home-with-a-kid-together fantasy. And because this break-up came with literally no warning, this entire viewpoint of my future has been upended so suddenly. It's shocking, and devastating, and hurtful.

It's the little things too - we've spent every single night together for the past 4 months. I'm so used to a warm body in bed next to me, cuddling with me, and now I'm suddenly sleeping alone. It's having breakfast and dinner with someone every single day. Now I just feel very alone - my good friend who does live in this area is out of town this weekend, and my best friends all live in different states. I can't help but look at something totally ordinary and think of him.

I'm just so fucking impatient to be done with the next few weeks - where these ordinary things will no longer be associated with him. Where it will be easier to look back, see it was a nice run with someone, and see how it was good we ended it before it got messy, because, yes, some things weren't working.

This just really fucking hurts, and I'm tired of crying, and sorry for the wall of text.

[amphibian]

You were insensitive with the baby comments.

Think about this: these two have put years into having a kid, adopting a kid and preparing themselves for everything. And you ask questions that despite your benign intentions were taken as asking if they were racist.

And you now tell us that they're immature, you didn't do anything wrong and the hurt you accidentally gave to his longtime friends is to be ignored by a wiser boyfriend.

That's not going to fly. I'm sorry you two broke up. Hopefully, you two cane out of this better than you were going in and can find more compatible people to be with.

[High House Dark]

They didn't put years into anything actually. She was talking about IF she ever would want children, which she said would still be years from now, she would "really want to buy an Asian baby."

They were not at all planning on anything as of yet, nor were they going to. I could tell she had done 0 research because of many of her comments, hence why I felt the need to say something. If they had actually "put years into having a kid, adopting a kid and preparing themselves for everything", I would have never said anything as I know that would have been insensitive.

amphibian, on 22 March 2014 - 09:22 PM, said:

You were insensitive with the baby comments.

Think about this: these two have put years into having a kid, adopting a kid and preparing themselves for everything. And you ask questions that despite your benign intentions were taken as asking if they were racist.

And you now tell us that they're immature, you didn't do anything wrong and the hurt you accidentally gave to his longtime friends is to be ignored by a wiser boyfriend.

That's not going to fly. I'm sorry you two broke up. Hopefully, you two cane out of this better than you were going in and can find more compatible people to be with.

[High House Dark]

I recognize I gave a VERY brief recap of the things that went wrong, but that doesn't give you the right to judge me as harshly as you have, amphibian. You are assuming a LOT of things with your statements, but there were many other incidents of their immaturity during the time I was with this man. I am not spinning a tale for this forum - I came here to vent and for support, and I have no reason to pretend anything was otherwise with this place.

[High House Dark]

And now that I'm thinking about it, I don't need you telling me what is "not going to fly." Fuck that, and fuck your condescension.

[amphibian]

Yes, I don't know what happened there.

But getting mad when people point out something you did wrong is usually a sign you don't want to admit you were wrong.

I know because I have done this time and again until I really started working on not doing that. I also had a relationship break up in September over my ex continually doing stuff and never admitting she'd done something wrong.

[High House Dark]

amphibian, on 22 March 2014 - 10:03 PM, said:

Yes, I don't know what happened there.

But getting mad when people point out something you did wrong is usually a sign you don't want to admit you were wrong.

I know because I have done this time and again until I really started working on not doing that. I also had a relationship break up in September over my ex continually doing stuff and never admitting she'd done something wrong.

I'm angry because I know more about the situation and because these people have never treated me nicely from day 1 despite my effort to be as nice and polite and friendly as possible. HER anger at MY question indicates she has said something wrong, but doesn't want to think about it/admit it. I'm angry because I was dumped LESS THAN 24 HOURS AGO, I vent about it on here, and you choose NOW to try and.. what, improve me or something? Check my ego? Even if you were right, really bad fucking timing.

[Solidsnape]

Can't help but agree with HHD here. Even if she was wrong, and it was all her fault, the 1ST post should really be an empathetic one, stating all the usual cliches like, "there are plenty more fish in the sea" and "better off without him" etc etc.
NOT, "yeah this is all your fault!!" Even if it was (which I'm not saying for a second it was), it's not cool.

Anyway HHD, for what it's worth, you will be fine I'm sure and there are plenty more fish in the sea!!
Take all the good experiences from this 6 month relationship you can, try to work on the bad bits so as not to repeat them (easier said than done!!) in future.

Most of all, CHIN UP!! This happens to people all the time, and some of us wish it would happen to THEM!! Haha.

Disclaimer: Gf, if you're reading this I was only kidding.

[Gust Hubb]

amphibian, on 22 March 2014 - 09:22 PM, said:

You were insensitive with the baby comments.

Think about this: these two have put years into having a kid, adopting a kid and preparing themselves for everything. And you ask questions that despite your benign intentions were taken as asking if they were racist.

And you now tell us that they're immature, you didn't do anything wrong and the hurt you accidentally gave to his longtime friends is to be ignored by a wiser boyfriend.

That's not going to fly. I'm sorry you two broke up. Hopefully, you two cane out of this better than you were going in and can find more compatible people to be with.

I neg repped you. I rarely do this, but you don't know the whole story, and your insensitivity is tasteless. Go bully someone else creep.

I also understand how a comment can get one into trouble HHD, having made a racially curious question in a class and gotten that backfired into my face. There are certain things people are sensitive about, and it's hard to guess what those things are sometimes.

Sorry bout your break up.

[Illuyankas]

amphibian, on 22 March 2014 - 09:22 PM, said:

You were insensitive with the baby comments.Think about this: these two have put years into having a kid, adopting a kid and preparing themselves for everything. And you ask questions that despite your benign intentions were taken as asking if they were racist. And you now tell us that they're immature, you didn't do anything wrong and the hurt you accidentally gave to his longtime friends is to be ignored by a wiser boyfriend.That's not going to fly. I'm sorry you two broke up. Hopefully, you two cane out of this better than you were going in and can find more compatible people to be with.

amphibian, on 22 March 2014 - 10:03 PM, said:

Yes, I don't know what happened there.But getting mad when people point out something you did wrong is usually a sign you don't want to admit you were wrong. I know because I have done this time and again until I really started working on not doing that. I also had a relationship break up in September over my ex continually doing stuff and never admitting she'd done something wrong.

Hahahaha you are a terrible human being, you have shown more empathy to someone having a book delivered late than to someone dumped less than a day ago, what kind of spiteful robot asshole are you

[Illuyankas]

"You're down and depressed and all alone in the house you used to share literally today? Have you considered that it's all your fault?" - Amph, human excrement

[amphibian]

Illuyankas, on 23 March 2014 - 04:09 AM, said:

"You're down and depressed and all alone in the house you used to share literally today? Have you considered that it's all your fault?" - Amph, human excrement

Within her post, there are two kinds of communication mentioned: within the relationship and with his valued friends. They're two different kinds of communication and with different goals, methods and rules. And there were problems with both.

The first kind of talking isn't easily addressed. Too many things going on with the parties involved, expressing complex feelings and concepts and so on. Takes a long time to figure out for a stable relationship and the road is bumpy. Some people make it over the bumps, most don't. But we try to figure out by fumbling along, taking advice and contemplation how best to talk to the ones we love and we slowly get better at it until we reach a "good enough" point. Any further improvement is sweet gravy on the mashed potatoes of life and thusly appreciated.

The latter has her saying something that set off two people who weren't kindly disposed towards her and hastened the end. There's probably a set of reasons why they didn't like her and likely not all of them are rational or even sane. But the end result is the same - something she said made the friends tipp the balance the wrong way. There's a relationship that's now in smithereens because of a mix of inevitable and evitable things. So, while little can be done about his communication problems or the feckless, possibly racist friends, there's HHD.

This is a smaller size problem that can be tackled by saying "You know what? That was indeed a screw-up. I will try not to do that again." and sticking to doing that. Won't save things or make the empty house less empty until she moves on, but there's a thing that she can improve on and bring to the next relationship.

Yes, I'm insensitive. Does that mean there's nothing to what I say?

I wish someone had sat me down and pointed out I likely wasn't doing this or that at the level it needed to be done. Instead, I got bits and pieces in scattered conversations over the last six months. Fortunately, my friends were very gracious towards my ex and remain so, and her friends were similarly so to me, which means that the problems were solely between us and thus are fixable on our own.

[Illuyankas]

Holy shit, are you really incapable of comprehending that the time for such a conversation - regardless of whether or not you even have a valid point - is not with 24 hours of horrible breakup? You're going up to someone pointedly distressed from being dumped out of the blue like half a damn day ago and saying "I'm going to tell how you fucked your life up and how not to do it again later because that's what is really important to you right now!" Even besides the projecting your ex's attitude onto HHD based on a similar anecdote to something that happened to you, which is a whole other level of fucking condescending smarmy better-than-thou then you usually reach.

Please retake Social Interaction 101, seriously. Ideally stop posting about this topic for at least a week, if not ever, but I doubt you'll be able to resist continuing to spit in HHD's face when she's down. You may have intended it to help, in your 'I admit it's insensitive so I have carte blanche to really twist the knife' idiotic way, but stop. You found a way to make it worse! Good job! Stop posting.

[amphibian]

Fine.

There's no anger or anything vindictive on my side towards anyone. I didn't take out anything on HHD in particular and whatever Illy's verbal flourishes are towards me, I don't mind.

[King Lear]

Oh the hilarity of someone admitting to being intensive trying to criticise you for being insensitive, HHD.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sucks, it always sucks so much, but it won't last forever (as unhelpful as that statement is right now), and when it stops hurting you'll probably feel relief about not being with someone who allows themselves to be pushed around by unfair ultimatums. Disliking friend's partners is a really shitty thing for everyone involved, but there are are more mature ways to deal with it than 'we're not going be friends with you any more if you don't do what we want'. At least you're well shot of his friends! I'm bad at words. I hope you'll be feeling less shit soon. And that you're looking after yourself. You moved recently didn't you? Do you have people to hang out with so you're not on your own too much?

By the way Amph, going from making a point where you jumped the incorrect conclusion to 'but criticism will heeeeelp you' is not really making a good case for your ex being the only one who couldn't admit they were wrong. Quite being an ass, say you're sorry and bow out. Or just bow out, I'm pretty sure that would be seriously appreciated right now.

[amphibian]

From the middle part towards the end of my relationship (about two years plus), I had zero problems admitting I was wrong on this or that and even looked to find stuff I wasn't doing right before she built up any resentment or friction over it. By doing that, I fixed a significant amount of things I was doing that ticked her off or she wanted to be this way or that way. That mindset and the fixes helped outside of my relationship too and things were going alright - or so I thought.

Even doing that kind of "mea culpa + fixing" doesn't change the course of things sometimes. The relationship can still crash and burn anyways, only it's over a longer period of time. Sometimes, the fit of the people just isn't right. So the person can change, grow, develop and be a better fit for someone else.

HHD did the best thing with clearing her stuff out and cutting contact to make moving on easier (although still difficult).

[Jakovasaurus]

Fuck. Oderus Urungus died.

[worry]

Yah, crazy. Only a few years since the guitarist died too.