Malazan Book of The Panda Tale One:
A half blind panda bear who speaks some spanish and who is dropped off by a helicopter in Philidalphea robbing a bank with a plastic spoon then disappearing with a homeless man, only to be found in the middle east having created a chinese fast food empire, which is really only a cover for an illegal snake fighting tournements, when the bind panda meets a frog who spontaniously combusts every 30 minutes but recreates itself every 15. Then the frog wins the snake ring sending the panda into homelessness.
Then While the panda is homeless on the streets of New York an albanian farmer coming in from san Francisco to sell crack, shoots him. Then in the hospital he meets the love of his life a crazy women who just got out of an insane asylum and they move to Iraq together, but on the way the crazy women dies of Spontenous Combustion and he must now go on a quest to find the frog to figure out how to recreate yourself after spontanous combustion.
The quest leads him onto the bustling streets of venice where he gets caught in shoot out betwee the ops and other cops, leading him to wonder how corrupted Italy is. So he now must break into the president of council ministers office to ask him. He hires a speed boat to bring him to where ever that office is. Then while there he pulls out an AK47 killing the 30 guards then throws a grappling hook up the the office proppeling himself up, and jumps through the window. The they have a conersation something like this "Hi" "Hi" "Whats up" "Nothing much you" "Im fine, I just got a new bike!" "Great wanna go try it out" "Hell yes" and after that deep emotional conversation the panda knows what the corruption is and heads off to find the frog.
Luckily the President had given him the exact where abouts of this frog, and the panda easily tracked him to the foothills of India. When he arrived he found out it was a trap! The frog was holding a gun pointed at the panda and had the magic lion person from Narnia beside him. They then had a conversation "Hello!" "Shut up panda! I know why your here, you figured out I rigged the snake fight" "You bastard, bt thats not why i'm here"' "Why are you he-" The frog spontaniously combusted. "Rarrr we have to wait 15 minutes Rarr" "Alright magic lion, do by any chanse happen to have a bike" "No" "Interesting" Then the frog suddenly appeared. "So why are you here?" "I was wondering how do you come back after the spontanious combustion?" "What spontanious combustion?" "You know what i'm talking about" "Get him magic lion" The lion then pulled out a gun "RARR NOT SO TOUGH NOW LITTLE PANDA RARR" The panda decided there was ony one thing to do. He raised his hands menacingly and called upon the magic powers of the blue blood moon granting him the power to do anything. Using his new found powers he created a stereo and played disco music very loud. Then started to sing, then the frog cumbusts and the panda goes to France and forgets all about Helga the love of his life. He also enters the national spelling bee and loses in the first round because the place is stormed by the FBI looking for a suspect in the murder of The president of something or rather.
Next they took him into custody in a isolated area, some where of the coast of puerto rico. He was gaured by 18 gaurds and a bald man who was almost 8 feet tall, and skinny as a stick. He punched the panda in the eye screaming "I know you did it you salty son of a bitch" "Did what," "I will blow up this island! I will kill everybody including me! I will rip out your liver and feast on your insides you fool! I swear I rigged this island 4 times over with explosives now talk or will all going down!" "Fine, i'm double agent" The panda broke the straps holding him doing mad karate disarming the man and snapping his neck. Next he jumped out the window doing more mad karate killing the 18 guards and escaping the island on moter boat.
Next in china he bought an untracable cell phone and called the leader of the russian mafia. "There on to me" "So, you want t dance pretty boy" "No, but what should I do the italians are on to me" "I would like to see you in a bikini panda bear" "No god no!" "So why don't you stop by my mansion" The bear hangs up. He needed to do what wasn't needed at all but what he should have done a long time ago. Now that he wasn't in the Russian mafia any more things were all right and he could pursue his dreams as a book binder.
At the book binding headquarters in Dubai he carefully binded another book. His boss walked over "Yes, you very good" "I know" "Well I see, but I can not have competition" He pulled out a knife a slahed at the panda. He dodged using matrix abbilitys and calling upong his friend Al a blind half deaf ogre with no hair. Al charged into the fray killing his boss with a leg of a chair. "Hey Al, that was a close one" "I'm not Al, Im a double agent bitch" Al pulled out a gun and fired. The panda caught the bullet and threw it back twice as fast killing Al intantly. "Oh shit whoose after me now"
The panda having sensed the approach of the talking garbage can readied his waxer. Bam! a lighting bolt stuck a wash cloth 300 paces from the nearest orange soda, it all wet so fast as the couger lunged, and the Panda turned, and the waxer spun, and the man punched, and the apple fell, and the rooser crowed. And just as suddenly, it was all over The panda had killed the magic watermelon and the forces of evil, saving the world from really evil, evil. He had slayed the ghost horde of China and conquored the natives of Panema, he was in truth a dictator.
Then one day he realized terrorizing people had lost all its zing and in one of act of self determination focuses all of his energies and blew a hole through the roof, and then just flew away. Maybe some day the earth would need him agian, but then agian maybe they wouldn't
This ends the First tale of Malazan Book of the Panda"
Malazan Book of The Panda Tale two:
Typical, the world needed the insane panda agian. Just as he had suspected they had fallen apart without him. Thats when the panda came out of his drug haze and was sitting in his office. Awesome he thought I'm still dictator of panema. The small asian man entered the room, gasping for air.
"Sir, you must see!" the panda lunged from the room putting on his hat. He grabbed his cane, twirling it. The moon was blue, thats when it hit him. He jumped out the window of the bed and breakfeast he was staying in. He took out his gun and slowly approached the ocean.
"All right, I know your here," A huge sea monster thing rose from the ocean. BAM, BAM he shot it.
In a high pitched voice it replied "Foolish one, I am the mastermind creation of Barq's root beer. The panda pulled out and hang glyder and gathered speed. It was a long shot but it just might work. He launched into the air and with one hand, took off a shoe. In a twirling motion he cut the sole off the shoe. He next snorted the Cocicaine he had placed the the sole of the shoe.
Tired and alone the Panda crawled up out of the ocean, he had to talk to his mom soon. He dialed quickly, each motion a percise peck. His fingers seemed to glide over the keyboard of the phone, it was like watching a god dial. The sound of the dials rang through out the air, in perfect harmony with all of its surroundings. The panda placed the phone to his ear.
"Phil's pizza how may I help you."
"Two large cheese pizza's delivered to my house."
"Ok," the phone hung up," The panda next crawled over the the jet. He flew to an island somewhere in the northwest hemisphere. He parachuted out of the plane in a purple jumpsuit, and met with the remaining members of Jackson 5. After a quick song he chopped down a tree, building a log cabin. He burnt down the log cabin with his prisoners of war tied to a wooden posts.
He calculated the time it would take him to chew through the bamboons leg. It was an all or nothing deal, he began. Four minutes later it was finished, and he smoked a cigar with a dead man. He now knew that he was a approaching a major decision in life, yes or no? He quickly retreated into the mountains leaving a paper trail so long it would confound even the smartest lab rats. It was a good thing he knew kung fu, because a group of pirates ambushed him.
He took out a taser and dealt with them one by one. He launched himself at the first one, tripping on a rock tasing him in the lower thigh. He next took out his magic wand, casting a spell of fire, he killed two more. Pulling out throwing stars, things would start to get interesting. He flung one missing, then flung another bounching off the mans force field. He countered the force field using a stone of RAL. Unforentunetly, it was a trap, the fat pirate threw a snake on him. He wrestled the snake off, then put on a biege part hat and swung a plastic shovel at the fat pirate. The pirate dissapeared in a giant grey mist.
It was another trap, but he had his own. He pulled the trigger to his gun shooting an explosive barrel. The explosive barrel was rigged to countless other explosives blowing the whole mountain to smitherines. He walked away in slow motion throwing a coat over his shoulder. He next traveled to Miami where he would work as film writer. His first film was, Alpacas Follow Moon Trails Soon. It was appreviated as AFMTS and was rated th 867th most popular movie of there year, featuring tom cruise playing a tree, and some homeless man eating cocunuts for over 2/3 of the film. The panda appeared in the movie aswell as a struggeling drug addict who was looking for his parents, because he found a dog that could play baseball.
The panda was sensing that he was not welcome in Miami any more. His house had been used as the headquarters for a terrorist operation, and the scene of a murder, 250 years old. The Panda quickly contacted his agents and left Miami a pile of rubble. Litterly, left them a small pile of rubble on his door step, he was bad ass. Thats when two black SUV's came at him from either side, a man. A guy exited one of them, he was dressed in all white and was not disfigarured at all. Him and the panda battled epiclly for almost 10 years. It was actually 10 minutes. He was gagged and blind folded and chained to a chair in a black room.
He opened his eyes, President Obama was standing before him in a clown costume.
"Hello Panda, my sources reveal your not from our world. Mind telling us where your from?"
"Ya sure, Obama. Im from the Malazan empire" With that he broke the chains.
This Ends The Second Tale of Malazan Book of The Panda
Also for only 1 rep on this post, you will be in the third tale of malazan book of the panda, quite an offer if I don't say so myself.
This post has been edited by High Mage Quick Ben: 02 June 2010 - 12:22 AM