[Spoilsport Stonny]

Please finish soon. I was thoroughly enjoying this.

[Illuyankas]

what the shit 12 days since the last post and two weeks since the last summary update I need to fix this quicker than the time it takes Torvald Nom to go from seeing a fool to pitying a fool

damn it that's too fast AH TO HELL WITH IT

IT'S KARSA TIME BABY

Alrighty we last saw Karsa standing on a hill in a desert and BATMAN SCENE WIPE years later HE'S STANDING ON A HILL IN A DESERT HOW DYNAMIC he's reflecting on how much he has changed in the time he's spent running around a desert killing dudes and JEEZ STEVE I THOUGHT WRITERS WERE ALL ABOUT SHOW DON'T TELL but anyway there's some talk with Sha'ik Reborn who is hanging out nearby and then Karsa visits Leoman who is chilling in his drughole pretending to watch Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle but only pretending since no-one watched that movie apart from that scene where the chick from Watchmen got her tits out only with the minimum of blue penises and he also talks to Felisin Truanter and there's some more interesting dialogue and by interesting I mean I remember more of that maths lesson in secondary school where nothing happened at all of any importance and my brain actually started dissolving from boredom and I dropped fifty IQ points and two grades then these scenes because they were less interesting than that day so anyway Karsa is bored and dissatisfied and having a midlife crisis by doing the equivalent of setting up a model train set in his basement which totally have impressed Apsalar (this is a test to see if you read any of the previous summary posts) except he's got a grove of petrified trees having fossilised when Raraku was an ocean rather than a desert which I'm sure is just more archeological scenesetting instead of a basement and he has a hammer and chisel and nine carvings progressing instead of a train set and he has deadly snakes instead of empty beer cans and a disapproving wife having an affair with the guy who delivers the News of the Wurld (topical humour is the worst humour) except unlike the wife the snakes don't inflict their venomous fangs or tongues on him HEY OH I am Rodney Dangerfield anyway Karsa gets more and more annoyed until he finishes the nine carvings seven of the Seven in the Rock the Teblor gods and he notes they resemble humans a lot more then Teblor and they animate and give him missions which he ignores completely and tell him to break the other two carvings and who are they of IT'S THE DANGEROUS AND DEADLY DECEASED DUO THEMSELVES Bairoth and Delum and their spirits come out and are like sup and Karsa's like sup back and then he asks so are we cool now since I'm pretty sorry about the whole massive dick thing I had going on and the two of them are like well since you're 'really sorry' that is the excuse we're using right and go LEAD US WARLEADER and the big burly bros are back together with Bairoth and Delum in ghost form just hanging around their living associate so Karsa decides he wants a new horse and sets off on his grand adventure to get a Havok replacement from the Jhag Odhan and jumps into his Prius and peels off into the distance except no he doesn't no-one drives a Prius he just ran

AND HE RAN

HE RAN SO FAR AWAY

HE JUST RAN

HE RAN ALL NIGHT AND DAY

COULDN'T GET AWAY

so he gets away to a bunch of mountainy places around the snowline when suddenly he notices a bunch of wolves running alongside him and he keeps running and so do they and then there's more running and then even more running so forth when suddenly the wolves run past him and are like DAMN SON YOU RUN LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER and Karsa is like WELL OF COURSE and the wolves are like NO SERIOUSLY I'M RYLLANDARAS AND I'M A D'IVERS PROFESSIONAL DUDE RUNNER-DOWNER AND YOU OUT RAN ME THAT WAS RIDICULOUS and Karsa says oh, Rylly? and Ryllandaras replies YES RYLLY and Karsa accepts the confirmation of his query meanwhile Bairoth says "That's a very talkative wolf pack," and Delum replies "I know, I wish they'd pack it in!" and then they both go "DOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO" and I get sued by Jim Henson's estate and Ryllandaras goes ANYWAY I WAS GOING TO MURDER YOU AND EAT YOUR BODY BUT SINCE YOU HAVE THE SKIN OF AN ASSOCIATE OF MINE OVER YOUR SHOULDER AND I OWED HIM ABOUT FIFTY BUCKS AND I'M COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED FROM CHASING YOU I'LL LET YOU GO and Karsa goes oh, Rylly? and Ryllandaras goes WE ALREADY DID THAT OH AND THERE'S A DUDE UP AHEAD WITH A BUDDY OF HIS DON'T EVEN ATTACK OTHERWISE EVERYONE IN THE WORLD DIES NO PRESSURE BYE and he scarpers and Karsa gives no fucks about this and continues on and finds a couple of dudes and they're Icarium and Mappo Trell having a picnic that's astonishing but like the common wasp Karsa will ruin your picnic with no remorse so he walks up to Mappo and says what up and Mappo says not much, just eating some cheese and tomato sandwiches while my friend throws boulders your beefy ghostly companion couldn't even wobble over his shoulder with nary an effort to uncover a suspicious statue of a seven headed dog that's clearly a representation of Jesus splitting the loaves and fish and nothing else but I find it interesting that we have a Trell a Jhag and a Toblakhai together it's more than interesting it's intriguing shame about all the souls we can see chained to you that are from the people you've killed my friend is probably going to murder you when he and Karsa interrupts FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK SHUT UP WITH THE RUN-ON SENTENCES IT'S NOT BIG AND IT'S NOT CLEVER AND IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE and I stop typing pause for a moment and re-evaluate my life choices then think fuck it and continue and Karsa goes this bunch of wolves called Ryllandaras told me not to mess with you two but fuck him, no one tells Karsa Orlong what to do and Mappo replies yes, he is indeed a little bitch, isn't he and then a bellowing shout comes from above of ICARIUM FIND ART and then Icarium starts to walk back down and Delum says "Isn't that the guy who wrote all that stuff in the cave back in Genabackis? I see he isn't there anymore," and Bairoth replies "I see he isn't all here either!" and then they both go "DOHOHOHOHOHOHO" and Karsa and Mappo are embarassed as they really aren't very good at this and then Icarium gets down to them and says ICARIUM SEE PONYTAIL CRACKFACE MAN IS MASS MURDERER ICARIUM THINK CHAINING SOULS OF SLAIN TO SELF IS HORRIBLE FASHION STATEMENT AND ALSO CRIME WORTHY OF SMASHING and Karsa's like dude, you're holding a sword, you smash with your fists and Icarium is having none of that shit and ICARIUM SMASH their swords fly out and clash together in a blistering display of expert swordsmanshKARSA'S WOODEN SWORD GETS CUT IN HALF BY ICARIUM'S METAL BLADE ON THE FIRST PARRY HOLY SHIT ARE YOU SERIOUS HOW DID YOU NOT EXPECT THIS and Karsa yells KARSA SMASH and punches him in the face knocking Icarium cold then Karsa says "Urko taught me that one!" then Mappo smacks him over the back of the head with a magic dinosaur leg and says "Yo momma taught me that one! Ha ha oh god did anyone hear me say that" and apart from Bairoth and Delum no one did so Mappo's reputation is safe so he picks up Icarium's unconscious body and WALK OUT OF THE NARRATIVE FOREVER NEITHER OF THEM ARE EVER SEEN IN THE SERIES AGAIN I KNOW and Karsa wakes up and Bairoth says "I hope there's no brain damage," and Delum replies "For there to be damage he'd need a brain!" and then they both go "DOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" and Karsa begrudgingly gives them that one even given the awkward subject matter and walks on

AND HE WALKED

HE WALKED, UH, PRETTY FAR I GUESS

HE NOT ONLY WALKED BUT OCCASIONALLY STROLLED, HE SAUNTERED FOR A BIT AND JOGGED ONCE BUT MOSTLY HE WALKED

HE ALSO MEANDERED FOR A FAIR DISTANCE

SUCCESSFULLY ESCAPED

so Karsa gets to the entrance of a warren and dreaming of Alice in Wonderland enters it and finds it's nothing like the books this isn't a white rabbit this is a pile of femurs Lewis Carroll is a liar but keeps going anyway and finds amidst the warm tundraish landscape a lot - and I mean a LOT - more bones and the skulls remind him of sometUrugal and the rest of the Seven are T'lan Imass deity impersonatorshing but he shrugs it off and finds a bunch of Jhag stuck under rocks in various stages of disrepair and considers freeing them before remembering Calm at the same time as Delum does and they do a simultaneous NOPE and he sees a tower beyond them and climbs it and finds at the top a tall green naked woman with tusks and Karsa recoils thinking he's entered a World of Warcraft sex story or something but no she's just a Jaghut stuck under a magic rock and she tries to persuade him not to move it due to the horrendous rituals place upon it to keep her in place that will rend any normal man asunder pulling each torn fragment of their soul into a Cheestring ragged frayed end before devouri- Karsa just picks it up and throws it at the wall angry about not getting the Mad Hatter's signature and caring less about the Elder Warren of Tellann murderlising him then I care about proper sentence structure and grammar and the Jaghut is impressed and introduces herself as Aramala an infamous nudist imprisoned by the Prudeact clan of the T'lan Imass so Karsa asks her where to go for a Jhag horse and she tells him that way and he turns to leave and she asks him to wait which he does and she slowly and slinkily walks over to him and places a finger delicately on his chest before leaning over to place her lips by his ear and whisper breathily "Could you please scratch my back for me before you go? Lying in one place for that long with an itch is agony the likes of which this series has never seen," and he agrees and scratches her back and she breathes a sigh of relief then says "Oh incidentally Jhag are half Jaghut half Toblakai, fancy a fuck?" and Karsa's like "I don't know, that sounds like consent to me" but decides to continue this character arc of not being a fucking asshole so he plays some Barry White and they get down to rejuvenating the Jaghut population and Bairoth and Delum are like this is awkward and that Jaghut dad from Deadhouse Gates is humming Can You Feel The Air Tonight and hell I'M creeped out now so we'll skip to Karsa leaving the Tower of Tumescence and heads off to a cave somewhere and meets the Seven and tells them they're T'lan Imass impersonating their gods and they're like SHIT HOW'D HE GUESS IT'S NOT LIKE WE HUNG OUR FACES ON A ROCK OR ANYTHING and they say he needs to make a flint sword with their help and Karsa's like bitch, please, swings his weapon at a chunk of flint catches the large sword like section that falls out, crafts it into a sword and the Seven now feeling pretty inadequate invest it to make it unbreakable then Bairoth and Delum go YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK THOSE GUYS WE'LL INHABIT YOUR SWORD AND MAKE IT EVEN MORE DED KILLY EVEN IF IT MEANS WE CAN'T TALK TO YOU ANY MORE BECAUSE WE'RE BROS, BRO and they do then Karsa casually cuts Siballe one of the Seven the one with that army of disfigured freaky Teblor from the first chapters that will probably be important at some point in half and the Six go FUCK ME and run for it and Karsa looks at his sword and says, "I see the rest of the Seven split. Not as well as Siballe did! DOHOHOHO...HO...ho... oh, it's just not the same." and he makes a sad face then remembers he still needs a horse so he leaves pushing two guys who looked a lot like Trull and Onrack out of the way and fucks off into the night where he finds a deer and he murders it with a nine foot long hunk of flint carved into a vague sword shape and surprisingly there's enough left of it to eat WHEN SUDDENLY a Jaghut by a fire sneaks up on him completely out of the blue by stealth and this guy is called Cynnig or Cybil or something and he's a pretty old Jaghut who has a broken back and lives in a large chest which is just so wacky and he's here to lead Karsa to a tree that's actually another Jaghut called Phyruojfijdsfhgijfd- Phyl, who is actually a tree now and I cut about five billion puns here because you don't deserve it, seriously, it's better if I just leaf them aloFUCK anyway she tells Karsa some bullshit about a T'lan Imass spear skewering her and turning her into a giant beech HEY OH I need an intervention because of magic but it really hit the destroyed Azath house immediately below it which was killed by ICARIUM SMASH STUPID FATHER ISSUES and caused his whole insanity shenanigans in the first place but anyway she's the only Jaghut left from the bloodline that created the Jhag horses so she summons the pitiful few remaining that haven't been starved out or kill by hunteRUMBLERUMBLERUMBLE wait what's that sound OH SHIT IT'S A KAJILLION SQUILLION JHAG HORSES LIKE EVERY ONE LEFT FLOODING THE PLACE THEY SMELLED THE OLD SPICE KARSA USES AND DECIDED THE END OF THAT ADVERT MUST BE REENACTED so Karsa goes among them and looks for a horse, not picking the largest and hugest horse because like himself he is also a boss but he finds a young horse he calls Havok 2: Jhag Fast or Horse Harder and the boss horse, the borse, summons his bitches LIKE A BORSE and they all fuck off, leaving Cynnig and Phylregis the task of clearing up all the Jhagshit littering the place while Karsa fucks off back to the oasis on horseback

AND HE RODE

HE RODE A SIMILAR DISTANCE TO HOW FAR HE JUST TRAVELLED BUT IT SEEMS SHORTER ON HORSEBACK

HE MOSTLY RODE BUT ALSO GOT OFF TO RUN ALONG SIDE TO GIVE HAVOK A REST

HE GALLOPED AND CANTERED DISREGARDING CHRONOLOGICAL CONCERNS

AMBIGUOUS GOAL REACHED? MAYBE

And then Karsa was at the oasis. And then it was convergence time. And then you all waited for the next and final installment, IT'S PAYOFF BABY

HOLD ONTO YOUR ORANGUTANS

(like a borse)

[Illuyankas]

I'm sure I was meant to be doing something, what was it... Oh yeah!

BLOWING YOUR FUCKING SOCKS OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH, THAT'S WHAT


Behold, a blistering blizzard of bullshit bludgeoning you between, er, barying biewpoints? OK enough of that it's endgame time muchachos and let's start with our old unforgettable friend whatshisface

So last time we checked Leoman had taken his balls of steel and gone home and by gone I mean left in order to raid the approaching 14th on their way up to the Oasis (Oassis? Oasass? no, there are limits) with his good friend and Irish stereotype Corabb Bhilan O'Thenualas (ok, maybe there aren't limits) who escaped dozens and millions of murder attempts by having the luck of the Irish, faith and begorrah, incomprehensible brogue, fuck your flying skykeep he's got a horse outside and so on to the point where they are really pissing off everyone in the 14th until one raid where Fist Gamet goes snooker loopy and rides around like a loony before falling off his horse and smacking his head causing only a superficial and entirely inconsequential injury but also ruining his reputation and giving him a slight migraine also around this point is when the army reaches the wall of the Whirlwind with its gargantuan wall of sand encircling Sha'ik's fo'rce's' a'nd pro'vi'di'ng a'n imp'''as's'a'b'le b'a'r''''r'''''''i'er t''o''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
[APOSTROPHE OVERFLOW ERROR, ATTEMPTING REDIRECT TO GENERIC FANTASY NOVEL]
[REDIRECTING APOSTROPHE EXCESS...]
[REDIRECT 97% SUCCESSFUL, REMAINDER SHUNTED INTO NAME OF CRIMSON GUARD COMMANDER]
[REBOOTING SUMMARY]
[HUMOUR INSTALLATION FAILED, WOULD YOU LIKE TO CONTINUE? Y/FUCK Y]
[FUCK Y SELECTED]
so Tavore pulls out her otataral sword to deal with the warren of the Whirlwind Goddess when SUDDENLY it fucks off and all the corpses picked up by the wall of wind whirling by (oh that's where they got the name from, duh) start falling in a hail of corpses like a T'lan Imass skydiving team as Dryjhna decided not to test the sword versus her warren raising the anti on this climax to new heights - oh did I say anti? I meant ante - and the 14th get to do their absolute favourite thing in the world, marching! Again! I KNOW YOU MISSED IT BABY so anyway while they march and march and march before setting up directly opposite the Rebellion forces in some open area near the Oasis the plots in the Oasis approach fruition with Febryl and Bidithal and Kamist Reloe and Korbolo Dom and everyone else scheming away for now we're focusing on Scillara one of Bidathal's spies getting stoned off her tits while being molesterated by Korbolo Dom and hearing all of his super sneaky schemes oh man I keep using that word and sadly I know exactly what it means anyway Korbolo decides eventually that nope, no more spies, it's time to end this so he tells two soldiers to murder her as soon as so like all loyal soldiers they disobey orders immediately and one of them takes Scillara off to fuck her in her drugged up state and while more numb then a Jaghut's posterior she still manages to kill the rapiest soldier but unfortunately doesn't throw his lifeless body off herself in time before the second one comes in and then HOLY SHIT FLYING FURRY OUT OF NOWHERE Heboric jumps in and uses his ghost stump talon hands to viserally eviserate the violent violator and then heals Scillara of all her ailments from the lung cancer from all the durhang to her genital mutilation since she was one of Bidickal's spies after all and incidentally Heboric had healed Felisin Smokingbehindthebikeshedser of the same injuries which I had missed on a previous read but while good to know doesn't stop what happened being horribly horrible in the slightest but anyway Heboric and Scillara make their way over to meet Felisin Muftidayer when OH SHIT ARROWS and Heboric gets filled with arrows by one of the factions just beginning to make the night a wild party but then a bunch of dead guys kill the attackers completely out of the blue which I'm sure is yet another nonsequitur damn it Steve sometimes people need payoffs and Heboric heals himself and the two head off to meet Felisin and because my memory is appalling and I've started this out of order but screw it it's all stream of consciousness anyway Greyfrog after his adventures elsepost and the four of them head off into the wilderness avoiding the whole shebang over by the Oasis with the armies and whatnot and WHAT'S THIS IT'S THE PUSTPAD and yes these are the three people (and one demon, I am a subconscious fiendist) who Crokus is meeting up with for more hilarious adventures later in the series so say goodbye for now, kiddies!

JUMP CUT

L'oric is off to confront Korbolo Dom but sensibly casts a no-backstab spell on himself because he's sensible and walks in to talk to Korbolo Dom when suddenly BAM BACKSTAB HE NEVER SAW IT COMING which because of the spell only pierced one of his hearts because oh my god he is actually a Time Lord in fact all Liosan are Time Lords it's why Osserc was hiding in the past it's so obvious now but anyway they think he's dead so Dom sends off his fake-Talon assassins to do something and L'oric's 'corpse' is dumped outside and Greyfrog checks on him and L'oric says he's fine and asks him to look after Felisin Terriblegradeaverageyou'regroundedgotoyourroomer while he

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Suddenly (I love the word suddenly, it's just so... abrupt) Fist Gamet is lying on his bed and HIS MIND BEARS A GREAT PAIN but only temporarily because it's gone and that's great and then he walks outside and sees Nil, Nether and Grub who are the spooky kids as well as some random woman on a horse along with the collected dead armies of Coltaine the various Wickan Clans the Seventh and a bunch of other guys and the woman asks Gamet if he'd like to come and he says well, I'm still a little iffy about my combat prowess considering I completely fucked up before and she says Combat? Look at all these dead guys who can fight, we're good for soldiers, we just need someone who can recommend suitable wines for the victory dinner and Gamet puts on his seductive face and says Darling, I used to be the head guard at a vineyard, I am the man for quality vintages and the woman on the horse smirks and replies Excellent, let's go ramrod the Dogslayers camp and then I'll take you to this nice little seaside restaurant I used to visit about fifty thousand years ago and Gamet is all over this so off they ride to a happily ever after that is actually forever since Gamet died of a stroke immediately before OH NO SPOILER ALERT he said during the comprehensive indepth and totally accurate summary

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So Kalam hits the acorn and smashes it but nothing happens so he thinks screw it and heads off into the camp to begin the murderation but gets tackled moments later by some dead dude and holy shit he recognises the guy's voice and it's a Bridgeburner everyone thought was dead and Kalam says he thought he was dead and the dead Bridgeburner replies Worse, I was in an ICE novel and the sheer horror leaves Kalam chilled to the bones but the dead BB leaves leaving Kalam in the non-existant leaves to ponder the fact that a lot of the Bridgeburners were actually massive assholes so hopefully the entire regiment hasn't ascended as some kind of mass undead force of soldiers thanks to Spiritwalker shenanigans that are all Fid's fault or anything I mean how likely is that ha ha ha ha ha anyway Kalam strolls over to Bidithal's abode past Silgar the Silly who's messing around with drawing in the sand and bewailing the loss of his amazing skills at fingerpaints so he busts in and it's really dark so he takes off his sunglasses and it's STILL really dark so he puts them back on because why look less cool if you can help it right and Bifuckingshitbagel is being a fucking shitbagel and leaves a bunch of shadows to try and kill Kalam but Cotillion decides hey here are a bunch of dudes I can horribly butcher without having to summon some demonic washerwoman to get all the blood out so he jumps in and goes MURDERIFFIC MADNESS with Kalam and they share an assassiny bonding moment which is nice but Bidithal has scarpered successfully so Kalam figures he'll catch him later and eventually gets to the tent of Dom busts in with his knives kills a couple of bitchass assassins including one who recognises him but it's actually a hilarious case of mistaken identity which before it can be sorted out he takes a Kalam to the organs and dies peacefully in his sleep years later BUT OH NO Kamist Reloe is about to get the jump on Kalam! BUT OH YEAH Quick Ben the Fantabulous is here and literally atomises Kamist Reloe which is good times and then they beat up and tie up Korbolo Dom and they find Pearl is in the area after he takes out one of the other rubbish mages working for the Whirlwind but Quick has some sad news about the Host that the rest of the Bridgeburners and Whiskeyjack are all dead and also they forgot to tape The Wire for Kalam and he takes it very stoically but inside is crying NO ALL MY FRIENDS AND ALSO NO OMAR WHY HAS IT COME TO THIS so they leave the tent with Korbolo Dom all tied up and head off t- ohshitohshitohshit it's the Deragoth they're here both of them and they're about to murder Quick and Kalam to dea

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The Deragoth are about to murder Quick and Kalam to death when a large figure starts walking towards them and oh shit it's Karsa Orlong he's back and he's pissed and also huge but not as huge as either Deragoth I mean look at these things they're bigger than bears which are fucking huge to begin with and they're as fast as really big dogs and look at those teeth they're enormous oh and if that wasn't bad enough they're also wielders of Kurald Galain how is Karsa meant to do anything like SMACKING THEM IN THE FUCKING MUZZLE WITH A GIANT FLINT SWORD HOLY FUCK HE JUST SUPLEXED THAT THING OH GOD THE CRACKING NOISES HOW MANY RIBS CAN IT HAVE LEFT AFTER THAT THIS IS HORRENDOUS OH FUCK ME HE DIDN'T JUST BREAK THAT THING'S JAW DID HE HE DID AND NO NO NO NOT THE DONKEY PUNCHING THIS IS TOO BRUTAL FOR WORDS OH AND THE ELBOW DROP OFF THE TOP ROPE MAN HE JUST MADE FIFTY PETA MEMBERS EXPLODE so Karsa kills the living shit out of one of the Deragoth and the other runs the fuck away like the little bitch it is so Karsa picks up his flint sword he threw away because it was making him kill the Deragoth too cleanly and not messily enough and walks after the surviving one

JUMP CUT

Kalam and Quick Ben stand there gaping

JUMP CUT

when it attacks him or tries to before a horse smacks him with Leoman the robot master who gives Flail Shot to Megaman once defeated in Megaman 11 also Corabb is there after he fluked his way back through all the assassins to warn people so Leoman hits the Deragoth with his flail a bit and then BAM MOTHERFUCKER FLINT SWORD THROUGH THE EVERYTHING DERAGOTH MORE LIKE DEADAGOTH then Karsa asks Leoman to look after the corpses so he can keep the heads to tie to his horse, like Truck Nuts only more tasteful, because now it's time for Karsa's Magical Murdery Tour!

JUMP CUT

Febryl has used his magic to open the way for the fake-Talon assassins and is now on his way out of here since everything's gone horribly wrong when KARSA BREAKS HIS NECK LIKE A TWIG WOULD AN OH SNAP BE INAPPROPRIATE? WATCH ME STRUGGLE VISIBLY TO GIVE LESS OF A SHIT and he's on his way again

JUMP CUT

Silgar is going LOOK AT ME I'M INSANE and Karsa turns up and says remember when I said I'd kill you last? and Silgar goes No, not at all and Karsa replies Good, because I didn't and skewers Silgar succinctly - succinctly? where the shit is my thesaurus

JUMP CUT

hey remember Bidithal? remember how much of a bitch he is? remember how much you wanted him to have his genitals torn off and shoved in his mouth, choking him to death on his own balls before Hood takes his soul and puts it in a horrible spiky pit full of pain and tormentors for the rest of time itsel- wait, really? what the fuck is wrong with you you fucking weirdo ANYWAY Karsa does, uh, that. So that's good.

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So, exposition time! Dryjhna the Whirlwind Goddess is actually Onrack's ex who divorced him after he painted an incredibly accurate likeness of Kilava, Tool's sister back when the Imass were fleshy and squidgy and whatnot, which is a massive taboo because that apparently traps their likeness forever so they're immortal instead of all the other ways to become immportal in this world but anyway Onrack was left in a cave and Kilava visited him overnight because immortality and a pretty good eye for tones and colours helps with the ladies and Dryjhna is pissed so after getting wrecked in one of the many many MANY Jaghut wars she starts eating loads of souls and eventually becomes a nihilist destructive goddess who has now pretty much fully possessed Sha'ik completely and now you know the rest of the story also her secret grove is where Febryl sent the fake-Talons to either kill her or have a picnic and I'm pretty sure it's the latter man I love picnics

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Sha'ik Reborn has just stuck her armour on and she's getting ready to advance on the enemy despite the annihilation of the Dogslayers and all the desert tribes having fucked off out the way due to Corabb warning Mathok but she's possessed by a goddess, she'll be fine so anyway she walks out and heads towards the Malazans

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Pearl gets jumped by Kalam and Quick and given a present of one Korbolo Dom, slightly used, best before 1156 BS and then not killed out of revenge because Kalam is a generous soul

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Tavore and her officers have woken up during all the commotion and spotted the large Crow Clan banner over the top of the Dogslayer position which is comprised of the slope they started on and the corpses of all the Dogslayers and Tavore is informed of Gamet dying of a stroke during the night and Nil and Nether tell her he's fine, he rode with the dead army you ended up dragging along with you all the way back up the route so basically the 14th did nothing during this entire book and Tavore says thanks in a very slightly sarcastic fashion which is the most emotion she's shown all series so far and then someone sees Sha'ik walking down the slope towards them

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Leoman, Karsa and L'oric appear at the top of the hill behind her trying to call for her attention and while Sha'ik is pleased they remained loyal she's far too omnicidal to listen, silly goddess

JUMP CUT

L'oric decides desparate measures are in order and jumps over to the secret grove of Dryjhna himself where the fake-Talons are being real-killed by Dryjhna though not before severely injuring her, and because L'oric is a berk he gets badly wounded himself and then the last one decides fuck this, JUMP STAB and him stabbing Dryjhna through the face explodes her skull so hard he's diced, and then Osserc turns up and picks up L'oric in the most embarassing fashion possible before bickered resumes, in a heartwarming happy family moment

JUMP CUT

Felisin is back in control of her own body! Fantastic! she's standing on a hillside in a fullface helm looking around when it's Tavore! Her sister! Fun times! Felisin lifts her arms to give her a hug but has forgotten she's holding a sword and then Steven Erikson walks out of the book and personally kicks you in the balls Tavore stabs her and walks off, presumably nonplussed but happy that was resolved so easily and Felisin bleeds to death cold and alone and BAD END

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Pearl and Felisin see this and are like, "...shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit."

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Karsa ties the two severed heads of the Deragoth to Havok Reloaded and bids farewell to Leoman, who is leading the remaining desert tribes and forces away to keep them alive as long as possible in a brutal running battle of attrition because that's what Malazans suck at, so we'll see them later, and then rides off towards the Malazan lines

HUMP BUTT

the Malazans watch the man on the horse ride down the tiny slope before scale kicks in and he becomes a giant man on a giant horse riding down a slope, and they all go OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH now I just need to work out those Magic Eye pictures before reality briefly reasserts itself and they begin excreting construction materials collectively as Karsa rides up to Tavore says, "I used to think you guys were dicks, but you're actually alright compared to essentially everyone else. So, we cool." Tavore throws up a clenched hand and Karsa extends the same because BRO FIST IF YOU DON'T BRO FIST YOU AIN'T A BRO and then he rides off with the worst air fresheners in the world attached to his horse, and then Pearl and Lostara turn up with Korbolo Dom and Tavore asks what happened to Felisin and the two of them squirm before Pearls says "Welllllll, I'm afraid she's dead, but we know she died quickly," and Tavore shakes her head sadly before swearing eternal vengeance against her killer only to be interrupted by the two of them coughing before suddenly Raraku starts turning into an ocean because Dryjhna died or something so everyone runs for the high ground to avoid wet feet, stepping over the bloody corpses of the Dogslayers while they do so

JUMP CUT

During all this, Fid's squad was off to the side dealing with both the Tiste Liosan, who survived a point blank cusser by regenerating into their next bodies before deciding they'd search for the undead dragon who trespassed against them AWAY from the guys with explosives, and a small group of desert warriors escaping including Corabb, who managed to cause a bag containing a cusser to begin hissing so the brave and valiant Lieutenant Ranall throws himself on top of the bag to protect the squad, but the explosive radius is too big so Fid's sure he's a goner but a figure covers him and loses most of its mass to the blast while protecting Fid which is nice and it's Hedge! fuck yes bros for life and beyond motherfucker but sadly Ranal has been reduced to a fine paste, a glorious end to a noble soldier indeed and then Fid sees Kalam and Quick when the squad returns to the army and BRO HUG TIME it's just one big reunion of family and friends today

JUMP CUT

Karsa rides off by himself, but forgets he has half a T'lan Imass in his bag, so takes out the portion of Siballe he siborrowed and they have an interesting conversation of which I can remember nothing save Karsa talking about how not being a douchebag is much better, then he throws her into the sea

ONE MORE FINAL JUMP CUT

So, the lessons we've learned from House of Chains are: never wear a full face helm when confronting your sister if you're possessed by a goddess even if she did condemn you to a living hell, never hug explosives, beardogs cannot be trusted, rape isn't necessarily a barrier to being a good character unless your name is Thomas, gambling is fixed, Time Lords are dicks, drugs can be bad if taken to excess, a plotline of an army marching all book and then nothing happening is interesting, and Torvald Nom is your lord and master. That last one isn't really a lesson, it's more of a life statement.

Welp, that's House of Chains, hope you liked it. Join us next time for [INSERT NOVEL CHOICE HERE]!

This post has been edited by Illuyankas: 30 July 2011 - 12:14 AM

[Illuyankas]

Now that I've finished this, I need to find out which book to do next! So, head over to here and let me know.

[Sinisdar Toste]

well done! a tour d'force of stream of consciousness. that karsa v. deragoth fight almost sounded better the way you told it

[Ninefingers]

I've just read your entire summary. It was absolute genius! Loved every minute of it.

And, despite being a grammatical pedant, I actually found myself really enjoying your deliberate evasion of punctuation. (I particularly enjoyed the bit where "he [Karsa] goes and finds the captain's room with a mage inside who has the smuggest expression on his face as he sends a magical attack at Karsa but Karsa takes heed of it as much as I do sentence structure or punctuation.")

It's been a while since I read HoC, and I now feel properly prepared to start on... well, whatever the next book is!

[POOPOO MCBUMFACE]

I just reread this and DID YOU SPOIL THE WIRE FOR ME

[worry]

Nah.

[Illuyankas]

POOPOO MCBUMFACE, on 22 September 2012 - 09:55 AM, said:

I just reread this and DID YOU SPOIL THE WIRE FOR ME

It's 'No Omar (for me to watch) how has it come to this' not 'No, Omar (was run over by an old lady in a Porsche) how has it come to this' so don't worry.