Malazan Empire: Plot summary - Malazan Empire

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Plot summary anyone? yes Apt, that means you.

#1 User is offline   Vaine 

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Posted 19 June 2011 - 05:59 PM

So Apt. was kind enough to make an awesome plot summary for Memories of Ice some time ago, anyone care to do the same for House of Chains?

Very much appreciated.


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#2 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 19 June 2011 - 07:35 PM

My memory's a little iffy so this might miss some slight nuances in the story, but I think I remember most of it.

So, we start with the prologue with Trull Sengar who's been stuck on a wall somewhere very damp after everyone he knows went insane or is just going along with to avoid being killed to death and he's going OH WOE IS ME I'M STUCK ON A WALL SOMEWHERE VERY DAMP AND PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE I KNOW IS INSANE OR JUST GOING ALONG WITH IT TO AVOID BEING KILLED TO DEATH and it's very foreboding and honestly pretty boring so we'll skip to Book 1: Karsa Does Genabackis.

There's this guy, he's called Karsa Orlong (Orverylong to the ladies) and he's a Teblor, they're these really tall dudes and it's like a race of Conans had giganticism syndrome or whatever the hell that was again anyway he has these two friends called Bairoth the Beefy and Delum the Glum who he goes a'murdering with but he fancies this one woman called Dayliss, Delis, Delicious? whatsherface and really Karsa is a colossal dick so she's not into him and prefers Bairoth's beef but Karsa's a bro and doesn't mind and by bro I mean he doesn't actually do any thinking with his brain just his muscles but that's besides the point (stuff about their religion of the Seven in the Rock and Karsa's tribe's particular deity Urugal the Voyeur (which makes them technically Urugal's Witnesses) being all WE ARE TOTALLY LEGIT ALSO GO KILL THEM DUDES goes here) and Karsa and his bros go hunting children, who are normal human beings to scale because they are really tall - like, seriously vast - by going through a bunch of other places first like another Teblor village after murderating their defenders and the three of them basically rape the entire village's womenfolk in a harsh and revealing look at the social and sexual politics the Teblor are currently under also Karsa calls the village chieftain's wife's daughter Maybelline and you're currently thinking man this guy is a douche and you're right but anyway they leave this place and head over to this staircase and holy shit it's a fucking staircase made of bones that scales a mountain pass and fuck me that's a lot of skeletons and Bairoth and Delum (who's the most sensible) are worried but Karsa's internal durr filter is still up so he doesn't care and they ascend it and find some writing about some dude called Icarium (throwaway name, never seen again) making some rules for the remnants of the Teblor to live by which we've seen so far and it's pretty cool because Karsa is being too obstinate and uncaring to understand it so we're getting all these revelations from people who are the POV character and then the three of them find some dogs somewhere and one is named Gnaw and he's a pretty boss dog BUT THEN a stone is found and there's a figure stuck under it and it's been stuck under it for thousands and thousands of years and the three of them discuss it and then take the stone off and holy shit it's Lady Gaga I love her music but oh no it's a Forkrul Assail called Calm who beats up Karsa and debrains Delum ruining his intellect and leaving him with the mind of a dog which is a tragedy for the formerly free thinking member of the trio since now we only have Meatbrain McRapington and Meateverythingelse Assholingsly but don't forget he was also raping his share of the Teblor ladies so douchebags all round speaking of which Calm the Porkrul Wassail bacon carolsinger Forkrul Assail says some portentious things about murdering Karsa later then fucks off and Karsa and Bairoth gather themselves and prepare to attack the small settlement Karsa's asshole granddad told him about that he raided oh, about a generation ago for these longlived giants so Karsa and Bairoth ride to the place to attack with Delum running with the dogs and HOLY SHIT IT'S A FUCKING WALLED TOWN SOMEONE NEEDS TO SCOUT BETTER and Bairoth's being a bitch as usual and Karsa's on his horse Havok which is a very large Teblor horse and together they go OH YEAH and smash in and crossbows and spears everywhere and Delum gets killed and Karsa stops to make sure Gnaw gets out safely because Gnaw's fucking awesome and then Karsa goes off and starts murdering people in houses reasonably happily until a floor caves in and he's skewered on a broken plank and passes out when the townsfolk lift his huge ass off it and WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT!? DUN DUN DUN

Part 2 coming soon.
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
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#3 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 19 June 2011 - 08:28 PM

Part 2

Karsa wakes up tied to something and aw diddums he's still sore even though he was only mildly impaled and the townsfolk are like WE GOT YOU NOW DAWG and they show him Bairoth who's got his jaw mangled and ask Karsa if he'll tell them about his tribe and Karsa doesn't give two tugs of a dead Delum's dick (too soon RIP Delum you beautiful bastard) so they kill Bairoth and he's all AH HELL NAW but still a bitch so good riddance and the townsfolk are concerned about Karsa but King Douchefucks of the Fuckdouchians appears and it's Stilgar from Arrakis on holiday what the hell man I thought you were cool also those black rubber suits look stupid as hell especially in a dese- oh it's spelt Silgar ok no worries Stilgy I love that excuse for dancing badly to not attract the worm so we cool bro anyway Silgar is a slaveowner and asshole and he's been enslaving Teblor SHOCK HORROR except these are the rubbish Teblor from the tribes nearest the towns while Karsa's tribe is from a tiny little valley well away from everyone else you probably never heard of it and they chuck Karsa down in the slave pit and think he'll die of his wounds being infected but that's not an issue since Teblor don't have blood they have Tebleach and infections don't happen they also have four lungs which will be relevant later but let's just say Teblor ladies give the best blowjoANYWAY MOVING ON Karsa's chained in the pit with some rubbish Teblor and AND YES YOUR LORD AND MASTER HAS ARRIVED HOLD ONTO YOUR GENITALS FOR THE BEST CHARACTER TORVALD FUCKING NOM however I have waxed lyrically on his glorioscity before and I dislike retreading old ground so I'll keep the abject praise to a minimum but yes Torvald persuades Karsa to murder him but while doing so frees both his chains and Karsa's and the two of them leave, Torvald off to rejoin his comrades rebelling against SERIES NAME CHECK ALERT the Malazan Empire who're running the show and Karsa decides to go kill some dudes and wonders through the soldier's camps kill gay couples by accident and stamping on a statue of some kind of wild pig (pfft yeah like that'll ever matter) and he happens to find his sword, which as it's made of bloodwood that's had rape juice- er, I mean bloodoil rubbed into it repeatedly over the years is less a sword and more a bludgeon and so Karsa goes off and goes through some houses where he finds a woman and not only exposes himself to bloodoil but forces her to have some as well which turns her violently crazed and he rapes her then leaves her there and hides in an attic elsewhere and it's shit like this that is really fucking disturbing to remember about an otherwise awesome character - like, 0.2 Piers Morgans on the cuntometer (Americans use a different scale which converts across to 0.6 Trumps) but holy shit that's what character development and leaving your shitty culture behind for the wider world will do to you and frankly the people who say the Malazan series doesn't have character development are incorrect and can go suck a billion dTIMESKIP TIME! Karsa wakes up and it's morning and he's healed a bit more and the girl he raped has been found so he's got to get out of there and tries his best to escape but runs into Malazan marines who are responsible for more deaths than cancer, wild animals and toilet seats at the point but anyway they manage to trap him under a spell used for hunting dhenrabi (which are like sea serpents if they were giant centipedes) but it's very tenouous on him which worries them to while arguing with Silgarp Karsa passes out due to reasons and wakes up chained to a cart next to THE HOLY NOM as he's been condemed to go work in the Otataral Mines for the Malazan Empire along with Torvald Nom and they can't trust him not chained down like a motherfucker so off they go on a wild and wacky adventure except without the wild or the wacky as Karsa struggles with sanity as Torvald contiunally talks to him amid all the bumps until they get to Port WhereveritwasagainIcanneverremember and load him up onto a ship by taking the cartbed and tying it to the mast vertically after weeks of enforced horizontality which as you might understand would chafe the appendages something rotten and the captain is being uselessly superstitious and thinks the screaming giant is a bad sign so they get him drunk on rum and he passes out again then SAILING AWAY ON AN OPEN SEA until they're becalmed and Torvald's worried they're going to throw Karsa overboard because they've run out of cabin boys and then GIANT LIGHTNING STORMS WITH THUNDERBOLTS IN THE SHAPES OF CHAINS BECAUSE THE CRIPPLED GOD FAILED HIS MEDIA DESIGN DEGREE AND IS VERY UNORIGINAL and some weird shit happens and then Karsa wakes up floating on his back next to the boat and he doesn't know where the fuck he is but I KNOW and soon you will too!

Part 3 coming soon! How soon! How about RIGHT NOW MOTHERFUCKERS AWWWWWWWWWW YEAH

Suddenly a wild Torvald appears and after struggling around the ship manages to get enough tools to free Karsa from his cartbed finally, leaving his arms and legs scarred by the manacles and various ligaments being more drawn out and mangled than half the analogies and jokes in this summary which is not easy let me tell you but yes finally Karsa and Torvald are free and after a short break where they avoid the gargantuan catfish swimming around eating corpses and chilling out they work out they're in a warren that's been flooded recently and catastrophically (I'm sure this will never come up again) so they decide to do their best to escape but are interrupted by a boat coming in crewed with greyskinned thin people on a boat crewed by headless corpses which is enough to tell you the Tiste Edur are total ashholes so Karsa and Torvald climb aboard and the Edur ask them to surrender and be their little bitches and Torvald's like Nah I'm good and Karsa's like ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING DO YOU NOT KNOW MATHS I AM VERY TALL AND HAVE A VERY LONG SWORD WHICH HAS A REACH YOU'RE CLEARLY STANDING WITHIN AND IN A SEMICIRCLE SHAPE AT THAT IT'S LIKE YOU WANT ME TO KILL YOU so he does and continues on through the ship skipping and slaughtering as he goes and finds the captain's room with a mage inside who has the smuggest expression on his face as he sends a magical attack at Karsa but Karsa takes heed of it as much as I do sentence structure or punctuation and chucks the Edur harpoon he got from the Edur ship through the unimportant and plot-irrelevant Edur captain and the harpoon morphs into a Barghast spear midflight to confuse people in Deadhouse Gates out of spite, probably, and the ship is theres! And also too large to get out of anywhere so they blag a dinghy and get the fuck out of there, finding a very long wall MUCH LIKE THE ONE TRULL SENGAR WAS NAILED TO IN THE PROLOGUE I WONDER IF THERE'S A CONNECTION and beach, with the beach containing Silgar, that one dude who hangs around yelling abuse by Silgar, some other guy and a ton of washed up wreckage and Silgar has a plan, being a mage he needs their boat to float about detroutus and out to a weak spot he can use his warren of Failure to get them out and not having anything better to do they all pile and get the hell out of there to the weak spot and Silgar starts opening his portal to another world but this is a PG-13 rated scene so he does his flies back up and begins the gate-opening procedure which SPOILERS GOES HORRIBLY WRONG for the other guy as they all get through except the bottom of the boat as the portal was a bit too small and that other guy was the kind of dick who never kept his hands and feet inside the ride at all times so he had an interdimension portal sever the ends of his legs leaving him in the perfect position to both be the lead in the West End production of Footloose but also bleed into the water and attract sharks and I want you to be prepared for this, because this shit is magic, but as they all swim to shore the shark tries to eat Legless but Karsa who like I said before has four longs and a wooden sword that floats for convenience is prepared and OH FUCK ME THIS SHIT IS DYNAMITE HE JUMPS OUT OF THE WATER, FUCKING LEAPS, LIKE FULLY HALF OUT, AND KILLS THAT SHARK IN THE FACE WITH A FUCKING SWORD and then Torvald swims over and gives him a high five and then Mael who was watching and sent the shark goes Fuck me that was amazing now I am Karsexual here let me split this ocean open so you can just stroll up and you can go too Torvald, we're still on for poker Friday? Score and Karsa and Torvald just pimpwalk up that seabed to shore while Silgar and Bitchtits swim unhappily there then fuck off out of the story forever since they're so awful so Karsa and Torvald start heading up the beach towards a lighthouse and you're thinking Oh man this really is a long time for one viewpoint except that's a lie you're thinking HOLY FUCK SWORDING IN THE FACE THAT'S SO SWEET MY AUNT DIED FROM DIABETES and I'm sorry for your loss but anyway they get to the door and CLIFFHANGER!

Part 4 once I change my trousers that always happens at that scene



(halfway up out of the sea, in the fucking air)

(shark in the face with a sword)

(holy fuck)
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
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#4 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 19 June 2011 - 08:58 PM

(so amazing)

OK now I'm finished with the mop we cut back to Karsa and Torvald knocking on the lighthouse door and holy shit Richard Attenborough got RIPPED oh wait this isn't Jurassic Park 4 this just an extremely muscular old guy living somewhere on Seven Cities called Keeper who is totally Urko Crust for a couple of cracking reasons we'll see soon and Karsa and Torvald are invited in because Keeper's a chill dude who has a dinosaur collection which Karsa mocks for a waste of time and because Keeper gives no fucks about guests he punches Karsa in the ribs, breaking several (ha ha cracking see what I did there) and Torvald's like DAYUM *sips tea* and Karsa's like DAYUM *passes out* and the reader's like DAYUM *turns page* and then Karsa wakes up from being punched and goes to help Torvald and Urkeeperust with some home development and Urko wants a wall slightly adjusted and Torvald thinks pushing the wall out will probably cause the pusher to topple and Karsa responds I DON'T THINK SO, TORV and pushes the wall out, causing him to topple and almost fall down but Torvald and Urkle save him and Torvald's going DON'T FUCK WITH ME I TAUGHT TIM ALLEN HOW TO DEVELOPMENT A HOUSE which is sadly true and Torvald's only flaw but anyway they're out of time so Keepo Crust leaves them to it and they leave him to it and everything's left to everyone else except for Silgar and Bitchtits reaching a town first telling the Malazan garrison about two dangerous escaped slaves and pretty much screwing Karsa and Torvald over which sucks but on the bright side Karsa gets some excellent ink which distracts him from the new set of manacles being too tight for his hands and feet and the very present worry that'll he be given the nickname Stumpy, which only one man is allowed and you don't fuck with the Empire's High Mages but anyway Karsa gets this broken glass design over his face which makes him even more terrifying for small children than Mike Tyson and now Karsa has Mike Tyson's voice in my head oh god get it out get it out geeeet ittt ouuuuut oh god I think the brain damage I did to myself to remove whatever concept I was trying to forget made me mess up the order of something but anyway there's a group of tribesman call the Arak who are shitscared of another tribe called the Gral and Torvald does something fire related to attract the attention of the Gral to the Arak group that's transporting them all and the Gral attack but an Arak guy kills Torvald Nom! GREATEST TRAGEDY OF OUR GENERATION! Knife to the throat, no one wins but something something something Karsa is in a Malazan jail with some random dude next to him in the chainline when GRAL ATTACK OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE and who's this in front of Karsa but AWWWW YEAH YOU CAN'T KILL TORVALD NOM NO ONE CAN KILL TORVALD NOM NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU CLAP AND SAY YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN TORVALD NOM (doesn't work, guaranteed) and he frees Karsa, says he has a business deal with the Gral (because he has balls the size of houses) tells him whenever he's in Darujistan to look him up and they part ways, greatest of friends, leading later in the series to the most awesome scene when Karsa and Torvald reunite and (translator's note: author began sobbing at this point and mewling piteously for twenty minutes) and that's why buy two get one free offers don't work on someone with three nipples oh hang on back to summarizing ALRIGHTY so Karsa's like "Torvald Nom: What a guy!" and the guy next to him is like "Damn straight. Oh yeah, want to escape?" and Karsa is all about that escaping, so him and his new buddy head off into the night and find a group of soldiers including Bitchtits who gets his tits bitched and also murdered and Silgar who is in the desert and has his hands and legs chopped off after his threat to do the same to Karsa which is like karma if you didn't know anything about karma and then Kars and New Friend have a chat and Karsa is let in on what the real name of his race is and HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S TOBLAKAI AND HIS NEW FRIEND IS LEOMAN OF THE FLAILS SO KARSA IS TOBLAKAI FROM DEADHOUSE GATES FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU REVELATIONS also this is back in time which you'd remember already if I'd remembered to mention an offhand reference to the siege of Pale still going on but I'm mentioning it now so suck it and Karsa and Leoman head off into the deserted desert in the night to go meet Sha'ik and set up Deadhouse Gates and END OF BOOK ONE, PLEASE PAY TWENTY COUNCILS TO CONTINUE

[The rest of the book is much easier to summarize because it's got less Torvald Nom in it so I remember less of it, so Part 5 soonish]
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
8

#5 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 19 June 2011 - 09:32 PM

PART 5: THE PENTPARTENING

So we're in Aren and- wait, this isn't Karsa Orlong's POV? WHAT IS THIS SOME KIND OF MALAZAN BOOK OR SOMETHING anyway we're with Tavore and the 14th assembling to go kick the Apocalypse out of Orangina or whoever and we're with Sergeant Strings which is so obvious a pseudonym for Fiddler I'd be worried if you didn't get it befor the reveal and we also meet Lieutenant Ranall, one of my favourite later NPCS because while he's a dick now he improves greatly and his dialogue with the Crippled God in the series' most climactic moments is- oh sorry, spoilers - being a bitch to him but then we meet more figures from the army including loads of dudes I can barely remember so anyway they have an assembly to stand in order in front of the Adjunct except they are literal children and act like a mosh at a Justin Bieber concert and we can literally see Tavore thinking "We are so fucked" but Fiddler who is pretending to be called Strings meets another sapper called Cuttle who is often pecked by birds to keep their beaks sharp and they calm the mob down in the only way to do anything, explosives, and they calm down and their fist, Fist Gamet, who used to be a soldier then a Paran family guard and is now a general and doesn't feel up to the task, is really embarassed but Tavore cares naught for it in an act of emoting that did make me wish that Keanu Reeves was female but then I remembered Keira Knightly exists, but suddenly it's our old friend Captain Keneb being his usual competent self and chilling out at the front BUT OH NO his adopted son Grub the child that Duiker rescued from the trail end of the Chain of Dogs and who miraculously changed gender (if the child actually was male at the end of DG, then he changed gender twice I AM NEVER WRONG) walks out in front of the soldiers and stands where the Adjunct stood and held up a legbone he stole from a grave AND OH SHIT STUPID SUPERSTITIOUS SOLDIERS SEE SUSPICIOUS SIGN OF SEVERE SDISASTER and everyone's worried as hell but Fiddler meets up with some more veterans like Gesler and Stormy and does the whole 'adopt the bad sign and turn it into a good sign' which does not work for a swastika so don't try so they're all covered in bones and morale does a 180 and everyone's happy except some people because they're always unhappy and oh

oh no

it's the march already ok Illy you can do this

OK

the 14th start marching (more names added in as and when I remember them) back up the path Coltaine took down in order to meet up and defeat Sha'ik's fo'rc'es and they snap up the Khundryl Burnt Tears who feel terrible for letting the Fall happen and tattooed tears onto their faces which is either the mostly manly of emo gestures or A SIGN OF BATTLE CLOWNS RUN AWAY RUN AWAY and we have a scene where the events of Memories of Ice are discovered midmarch by Bottle, Fid's squad mage who can ride insects around by hijacking their minds as taught to him by his grandmother, in a concept that is pretty old but which I had last read in a Terry Pratchett book but Weatherwax is probably not his granny's name but anyway Fiddler learns that 'apparently' all the Bridgeburners are dead and that's terrible but he heads off to be alone for a while before he hears about the survivors and all that jazz and in the meantime he gives Temul some good advice about dealing with the remaing Wickans who are being a bunch of bitches save Nil and Nether who are the sole magical presence the army has versus about a kajillion mages, let's see what else oh a group of dudes attack led by SOMEONE who will be detailed in a different summary part and Fist Gamet gets disorientated, lost and injured during one of the many many raids which will be important but the most important part is the way the plan to deal with the night raid is spread is after the scorpion match and you remember the scorpion match because it's awesome, and I'm not ruining it for you in this piece of crap if you don't so go reread House of Chains already I'm not your mother I mean jeez also don't forget to scrub behind your ears when you wash up before you go to bed alright sweety I love you sorry I can't read you a book to help you sleep mummy needs her bourbon now be a good boy and have a good night's sleep

Yeah apart from heading back up the route they took before nothing much happens until CLIMATIC MOMENTS so we'll be back to the Malazans

oh god my brain this must be what senility feels like

(Part 6 next after I get an icepack for my brain)
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
7

#6 User is offline   King Lear 

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Posted 20 June 2011 - 06:13 AM

Please sir, I want some more.

MOAR.
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#7 User is offline   Vaine 

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Posted 20 June 2011 - 04:47 PM

2nd, I want MOAR! Really cool story bro.
"Awaken the seven within me!"
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#8 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 20 June 2011 - 04:53 PM

Hold onto your Havoks, jeez, I can't even find my copy of HoC let alone refresh my memory on it but the braincase has stopped smoking now so that's a good thing


Section F: The Bit Where I Forget My Naming System

So I started with the Malazans general plot thread after Karsa and Torvald's Excellent Adventure to the point before everything meets up and the giant CONVERGANCE ALARM starts sounding as the other big one is essentially end game but there's another general one (and really there's probably a third or a fourth like this one and holy balls I just remembered Kalam's in this one MY MIND BEARS A GREAT PAIN ok I'll shove it in somewhere convenient like the bishop said to the prostitute, and that'll be £80 like the prostitute said to the bishop) so for now we'll handle Trull and Onrack's Bogus Adventure!

So Onrack, a T'lan Imass namedropped in MOI (go back and read it, I'll wai- HAHAHA NO YOU STAY YOUR ASS HERE AND READ) is walking down the beach in the Nascent (hmm this place seems familiar) just meandering around down the endless straight line, you know, murdering sleepy metamorphising catfish that burst open into weird fishmonsters like SE had seen Creature From the Black Lagoon and Tremors 2 the day before writing that scene, as you do, when he comes across a rather down and out sort of fellow named Trull Sengar, chilling out on a wall, Onrack asks him how it's hanging, Trull replies good but he's a little tied up at the moment, they both laugh hahahahaha oh you guys and then Trull asks him to take him down and save him from a horrible and uncomfortably moist death and because Onrack is bored he does so with the old traditional medical technique of moving an injured person by dragging them by the ankle for several kilometres then murdering some catfish again (see I did that all the time in training and I never did get my First Aid badge at Scouts, but do you know what else I didn't get at Scouts? MOLESTED so that's nice) and while ceaselessly wandering they get to talking about where they are being the Nascent and other casual conversation too and well I'd say that Trull's a bit on the gloomy side and Onrack has a very dry sense of humour but I think I just killed a couple of comedians those puns were so bad but anyway they talk and get to know each other and NOW THEY ARE FRIENDS FOREVER but pretty organically which is cool except the dude and sweet tattoos which are really cheesy so onwards they walk and then walk some more and then they think holy crap this is turning into the Malazan plot thread we've got to find somethiTHEY FIND SOMETHING or somethings when they come upon seven huge statues of dogs and they're statues of the Hounds of Shadow except two of them have living things in them so Onrack's like I'M GOING TO FREE THEM AND KILL THEM BECAUSE I'VE GOT BALLS OF STEEL after the original ones fell off and Trull's like I DON'T KNOW MAN, DO YOU NEED A HAND and Onrack's like IT'S COOL BITCH, I GOT THIS and then he breaks one of the statues and there's a huge explosion and the other one breaks open and then HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S SCOOBY DOO I SURE HOPE VELMA'S IN THIS LATER and AH HELL NAW IT'S SCRAPPY KILL IT KILL IT NOW but wait oh thank fuck it's not Scrappy Doo it's just the Deragoth the original Hounds of Darkness gargantuan unstoppable mutts like a bear and a dog got very amorous one day after watching Lady and the Tramp and the dog was drunk just breaking free what a relief and they play fetch with Onrack's severed arm for a bit before he plays dead which no-one is impressed by Onrack seriously try stretching your actorial boundaries a bit to a pulse or something but the Deragoth are fooled and think fuck this we're going to Disneyland and get the hell out of there ignoring Trull completely and Trull walks up and goes SORRY ABOUT THE ARM JOKE DUDE, I WASN'T EXPECTING THAT and Onrack is cool since he apologised and also because he is a skeleton and they continued on after and while finding a box of Moranth munitions because they actually grow on box-shaped bushes which explains why they're everywhere but who doesn't love explosives really and there they suddenly find a gate to a realm we've not seen before and it's Kurald Liosan the Elder Realm of Light the home of the third and most doucheist of the three Tiste races, the Tiste Liosan who are seriously complete dicks, really, and a bunch ride out and attack Onrack and fail miserably REMEMBER THIS AS IT IS IMPORTANT FOR IT IS THE LIOSAN'S PRIMARY RACIAL TRAIT OF ABJECT AND MISERABLE FAILURE and then suddenly a small number of Imass that are chasing seven renegades REMEMBER THIS NUMBER OF RENEGADE IMASS appear including Monoch Ochem who is a Bonecaster and the only one whose name I remember since he starred in that famous documentary with Jane Goodall and they talk and bargain under threat of explosions and the Liosan are all MISERABLE CORPSES AND MISERABLE EDUR WHO IS ONLY HALF COMPLETELY INTOLERABLE BECAUSE OF GLORIOUS FATHER LIGHT'S GLORIOUS PRESENCE WITHIN YOU *straighten pointy white hood* LIGHT POWER and Onrack's thinking what dicks and Trull's thinking what dicks and the other Imass are thinking OH I THINK YOU CAN GUESS and anyway

PARAGRAPH BREAK FOR YOUR POOR EYES

they talk and decide to use Trull's blood to open a path somewhere and the Liosan reveal that whoever is in charge of Kurald Liosan which isn't Father Light or Osserc who is the Liosan equivalent of Rake except 185743865876% more assholish and also the least assholish Liosan we've seen so far which says something about their race but anyway that guy causes the Liosan to use blood in their rituals which would make the T'lan Immac's eyebrows raise except all their fake eyebrows were destroyed by a valiant rearguard action during the 29th Jaghut War but anyway they start the ritual and Trull's hand is cut and bleeds EVERYWHERE and Onrack grabs Trull and gets him the hell out of there* and Monoch reveals his gorilla form who will be voiced by John Cleese in the movie and yes I have seen George of the Jungle with Brendan Fraser in it where John Cleese voices an ape called Ape I CARE NAUGHT FOR YOUR SCORN and Trull and Onrack end up somewhere in Seven Cities and are thinking what the hell do we do now so they walk on and suddenly the Eres the last remaining predecessor to the Imass appears and she's like an early hominid version of the Doctor except she doesn't have a blue box (she's furry enough that she isn't cold) and I'm pretty sure Doctor Who never timeraped a dude like she does to Trull who is pretty vanilla and not into that kind of shit like the belly scratches or the lack of consent and I'd forgotten how much rape there is in this book but at least I'm pleased she's here as being a timetraveller from near the dawn of this world's time she is the perfect excuse for any timeline issues (like the issue of the timeline) anyway once he recovers they continue until they come to a realisation that the renegades the others are tracking are working for the same dude Trull's technically mortal people have been dickified by so after entering a perfectly normal cave and being shoved down a perfectly normal slope by a perfectly normal non-entity and Onrack fusing with a perfectly normal severed Imass arm they turn around and talk to Monoch and co who are like DAMN MAN FUSING WITH A PERFECTLY NORMAL ARM THAT'S PRETTY DISGUSTING I MEAN JUST OFF THE FLOOR HOW DO YOU KNOW WHERE'S IT'S BEEN and they tell them their suspicions that the entity behind the Edur and the renegades are trying to get an Edur to sit on the First Throne and command the T'lan Imass like the Emperor did before he became Shadychair and that'd be really bad so Monoch and co decide to take Trull and Onrack with them to the First Throne to help defend it and they get there and BAM MIDGETS EVERYWHERE it's the army of children rescued by Occludeseat and Cotillion back in DG led by Minala who are defending it for the Imass and they settle in and Trull decides to tell Onrack and the rest his story and we call that tale Midnight Tides and it's a pretty good book and as far as I can remember that's them for House of Chains

* this is when I remember Pearl and Lostara were in this book too**

** no I don't remember when I got that serious head injury


OK next time is Kalam and Pearl/Lostara's plotlines up til CONVERGANCE AWOOGA and then the Whirlwind storyline with Karsa's shenanigans and then THE BIG ONE PREPARE YOURSELVES

This post has been edited by Illuyankas: 20 June 2011 - 05:01 PM

Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
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#9 User is offline   James Hutton 

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Posted 20 June 2011 - 05:29 PM

Pure brilliance, pray continue!
Secret message: "Keep up the good work, yours truly"
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#10 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 20 June 2011 - 08:08 PM

DUNNNNNNNNNN

DUNNN DUNNN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

JUMP JUMP JUMP JU- oh wait House of CHAINS not Pain my mistake


Anyway here is a relevant joke: What does an elderly assassin use to assist his poor digestion after colon cancer? A Kalastomy bag! HA HA HA nothing can undo what I've done ANYWAY let's stop jumping around the subject and segue seamlessly to the point as we jump up, jump up and get down to Part Kalam: The Part with Kalam (rated M for murderlicious)

ALRIGHTY the last we saw of Kalam is from the end of Deadhouse Gates when he and his partner Minala (possibly wife, I forget, but who would have performed the ceremony? Oh yeah I forgot Aptorian is a registered vicar, AT LEAST SOME CHURCHES ALLOW FEMALE PRIESTS HINT HINT) are given hundreds of children to look after and Kalam's first reaction is NOPE so Shadowthrone gives him a bag of black diamonds and a whistle and tells him to ruin DeBeers and also busk but dumps him in Seven Cities by accident so Kalam decides he's going to meander across Raraku and see what's up which is quickly apparent is some kind of rebellion so the first thing Kalam does is sell some black jewels for a couple of daggers because he is CRITICALLY underdaggered so he checks the available and finds not only an otataral dagger (the most ginger of all magic-repelling substances) but a knife that used to belong to a Wickan on the Chain of Dogs that was famous and not Coltaine BUT ALSO had been given the onceover, had it shoes hammered on firmly and its oil changed by none other than Bellurdan Skullcrusher, most belligerent of all Dans (not a bellendan (or was he?)), and that knife is exceedingly important so keep an eye out for the many ways it ties into the plot later I'd say stick it in the filing cabinet but I assume everyone else also has theirs full of fishtanks and whiskey (sometimes in the same drawer) but anyway he pays the merchant with the shadowy gemstones and he's honest and hands back half the gems and holy balls how is this relevant I'm sure it'll come to me soon BUT THEN he leaves with no problems whatsoever BUT THEN there is a large gap in my recollections so pretend he had a fistfight with a Jaghut and elbow dropped a dozen assassins in the balls or something BUT THEN Kalam comes across a siege of a Malazan fort by a bunch of Whirlwind supporters all wearing their customary windmill hats and with them is a mage girl called Sinn and she's clearly extremely sane and sensible what with the dancing and the insanity so Kalam blags his way into the siegers and later that night he prepares to enter the fort when he sees Sinn and they talk and she's batshit crazy and poisoned all the water after planning to ruin the attack the next day but she overpoisoned them by adding Fosters to it so Kalam finds a couple of guards horribly expiring in a fountain of disgusting fluids and juices which is very familiar to anyone who's been drinking in England on a Saturday night so he mercy kills them as I would do for anyone cursed with Fosters poisoning

(let's just say Toby is lucky to be alive)

and then he tries out his busking talent on the shadowy gems and one breaks open revealing oh my god it's Hank Azaria I love that guy he does the best voices on the Simpsons and was the least bad thing in Godzilla but anyway Kalam asks Hank to help him get into the fort so Hank does and oh holy fuck what the shit Hank he just cut off two rebellion soldier's penises what the flying fuck is this shit Hank that is not cool I mean Andy Dick sure but- OH WAIT FALSE ALARM it's just an azalan demon phew so False Hank goes and causes very quiet mayhem and then helps Kalam over the wall into the fort where he meets a very familiar group of Malazans the same guys who magicked the shit out of Karsa all the way back up the page and they're led by Sergeant probably Cord after their officers Captain Kindly and Lieutenant Pores (another example of Erikson's talent at giving throwaway already-dead soldiers cool names, like the High Mages Stumpy and Tesormalandis) fell down a well so Kalam goes to see what's down there and wow that's either a really short well with a burly corpse lying down there or it's a really big dude and HOLY SHIT IT'S A REALLY BIG DUDE I MEAN DAMN HE'S LIKE THREE METRES TALL THAT'S HUGE HOW DOES HE FIND SHOES THAT FIT also he's possessed by a demon who reaches up and grabs Kalam and is all I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR EYES and also blag your body like I would have grabbed those other two but missed since I've been sleeping ages and man you know how slow you get in the morning without coffee and it's really hard to get a kettle to boil in an underwater river and Kalam is struggling to say a cool line back but he's in an underwater river so the best he can do is a smug eyebrow raise before stabbing the demon as hard as possible in the everything so the demon flings him out of the well causing him severe chafage but he lets Cord know that the two officers weren't taken and they should block up the well that has a demon with two gaping stab wounds in its chest leaking blood that will cause anything like say an enkaral who drinks from the river downstream to be stuck in the demon-possessed body and have the demon steal its body, which is extremely unlikely, and Cord's like THANK GOODNESS THAT'S OVER and we see Sinn with her halfbrother Shard so good end there he'll be able to rehabilitate her and bring her back onto the path of nonmadness so Kalam leaves and gets to within site of the Whirlwind wall, the end of the warren protecting the oasis where Sha'ik Reborn is chilling out and not cowering when SUDDENLY DEMON POSSESSED ENKARAL OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE I MEAN WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING and the enkaral is trying to murder Kalam but playing with him so Kalam pretends that his back is broken to lure the demon over and then his shoves his arm down its throat and triggers the inhaler which deeply injures the demonic spiderthing but it bites off his arm and he's left in Beverly's arms bleeding to death when Eddie remembers that gangbang of twelve year olds he was in and OH WAIT that was the book It oh man Stephen King you are FUCKED UP so anyway Kalam shoves a handful of grit down its throat and doesn't lose his arm and then it dies somehow and I think Pust is involved and really you don't need me to remind you of Pust, you cannot forget him no matter how much you want to

I see him in my dreams sometimes

no

my nightmares

But anyway there's probably something about Kalam delivering the gems to him but getting to keep them for some reason but I don't actually care so Kalam leaves there and reenters the Whirlwind but sees an enemy patrol approaching but it's really windy and whirly so he can hide slightly and watch the patrol dismount and the leader messes up and hurts something to the barely restrained amusment of his followers which is a nice touch to remind ourselves that just because the Whirlwind Rebellion has been responsible for some truly vile things the other side isn't composed entirely of reasonless monstrous bastards but rather actual human beings pointing out the sheer pointlessness of glorifying violence andOH FUCK THE DERAGOTH JUST CAME IN AND TORE THAT GUY'S ENTIRE BODY OFF JESUS FUCK THAT WAS SO COOL DO IT AGAIN OH MAN THAT WAS AWESOME so the two Deragoth have appeared and are murdering the patrol and Kalam thinks he'll be fine until one of them smells him so he throws the bag of gems down and blows the whistle as hard as he can which probably really pissed off any dogs that were nearby like say THE HOUNDS OF DARKNESS OH SHIIIII and the False Hanks that appear nearby send two to take Kalam as far away as possible while the rest attempt to distract the Deragoth by being murdered by them horribly while all the other azaria demons that appear out of all the other gems murder anyone who saw them which ruined that poker tournament but they weren't regulation chips anyway and Shadowthrone is twitching on his shadowthrone going OH ME IS THAT SCRAPPY DOO JESUS FUCK NO but Kalam manages to make it to the Oasis and takes out an acorn and smashes it with a knife hilt to BRING THE PAIN in the neck that is Quick Ben and

AWOOOGA

CONVERGANCE ALARM


We'll be back after these messages

(messages like Toc and Fanderary visiting the pureblood Thelomen Tartheno Toblakhai formerly possessed by Demon now currently some kind of squiggle that is the best the mind of an enkaral can manage and promising it a nice fun relaxing vacation if it helps them out, so it agrees and now it's party time)

This post has been edited by Illuyankas: 20 June 2011 - 09:37 PM

Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
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#11 User is offline   D'rek 

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Posted 20 June 2011 - 09:35 PM

I hate to do this to you Illy, but don't forget Apsalar and Cutter!

Sorry :sad:

View Postworrywort, on 14 September 2012 - 08:07 PM, said:

I kinda love it when D'rek unleashes her nerd wrath, as I knew she would here. Sorry innocent bystanders, but someone's gotta be the kindling (maybe she should change her name to Sinn).
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#12 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 20 June 2011 - 09:42 PM

Who?

(oh god I thought there was more of that book to remember)
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
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#13 User is offline   D'rek 

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Posted 20 June 2011 - 09:50 PM

View PostIlluyankas, on 20 June 2011 - 09:42 PM, said:

Who?

(oh god I thought there was more of that book to remember)


If it's any help, your main PoVs for books 2 to 4 are:

In Raraku:
Heboric
Karsa

In the 14th:
Fiddler
Gamet

Faffing about:
Lostara Yil
Crokus
Kalam
Trull

View Postworrywort, on 14 September 2012 - 08:07 PM, said:

I kinda love it when D'rek unleashes her nerd wrath, as I knew she would here. Sorry innocent bystanders, but someone's gotta be the kindling (maybe she should change her name to Sinn).
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#14 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 20 June 2011 - 10:00 PM

Excellent, the only ones I'd missed were Apsalar and Crokus. Next is Pearl and Lostara, then Apsalar and Crokus, then the Raraku with Karsa's probably in another section, then convergance time. Then I can go ice down my hands.
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
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#15 User is offline   Sinisdar Toste 

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Posted 20 June 2011 - 11:17 PM

a glorious summary so far, illy.
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

- Oscar Levant
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#16 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 21 June 2011 - 02:10 AM

Welcome back, now we turn our grand and illustrious attention to those wacky kids Lostara and Pearl being given some extra-curricular activities as well as homework

[tape rewinding sound] Back once again with the ill behaviour are Pearl the smuggest Claw in the world and Lostara Yil, Lostara having been requested to assist Pearl by Pearl for Pearl's gratittification which is not a mispelling in case you were wondering as Adjunct Tavore has requested them to perform a task outside the Empire's knowledge, namely that of finding her sister Felisin after not just dumping her into a rapehole with one bodyguard and no brain but full on setting fire to her to accomplish her political ends so off they go and amazingly they find her hiding in the pantry and she goes OH YOU GUYS HOW DO YOU ALWAYS KNOW and they all laugh then everyone goes for lunch roll credits and wacky jazz theme song but no seriously it will be a long and dedicated search across the entire desert of Raraku so off they go woosh right into the thick of things by talking to Gesler and Stormy and Truth since that's the best lead they have which exemplifys how screwed their task is but anyway Pearl goes in and is like here I is a Claw, innit and tries to wake up Stormy before he dissolves into a puddle of disgust and smarmitude under Gesler's virulently hateful glare which cuts off because waking up Stormy is going to be a worse fate by far and because Pearl is a buffoon he continues despite some excellent advice not to which penetrates his brain as well as he does anyone else BUT OH NO STORMY HATH AWOKEN THE END IS NIGH HIS WRATH IS LIKE SOMETHING VERY WRATHY OR WROTHEN, 6.7kiloWOWexpansions easy and he grabs Pearl's leg and flings him up into the air where he bounces off a ceiling beam which actually happens in the book and if it isn't in your copy there was a misprint go write it in in like pencil or something and Lostara is confused as to why the three of them are bronze-coloured and Pearl mutters under his breath "fucking guidos" and Stormy hears and Gesler hears and Truth hears and Lostara hears and they all spend some time kicking the crap out of him because some things ARE JUST NOT DONE and while wiping blood off her boot Lostara asks Truth and Gesler what they came to ask and the most they can say is when they lost them off the boat somewhere in Raraku them being Felisin Heboric Baudin and Kelp and Lostara goes hmm and Truth continues being awestruck by how pretty she is since she is a female and Truth's entire purpose is to be shy and go Gawsh and they really should get him, like, a dozen whores and Stormy returns Pearl's coiled up body after flossing and after Lostara throws the coiled Claw over her shoulder they walk out Pearl unravelling and dragging on the floor behind her as she fills him in on what happened pointing out that Stormy had an Imass sword when Pearl tries to be all I COULD TAKE HIM and wow I forgot how useless I remembered Pearl being I mean if you're a fan of Pearl I would say I'm sorry but the only emotion I can feel towards you is pity for your terrible taste

no seriously your taste is abysmal

anyhoo we have Pearl and Lostara being all detectiving and also the two of them having KERAZY ADVENTURES so I'll do that half first as they head off into the desert to find some evidence of their targets so because Pearl is a Claw he has access to the Imperial Warren, made entirely of dried skin flaking off Kallor's aged frame since that's what dust is and Kallor has lived a very very long time and that shit builds up so the two of them take a leisurely blacklung-gaining stroll throw the warren until SUDDENLY a slope down which they decide to explore and then EVEN MORE SUDDENLY THAN THAT LAST TIME their footing slips and the pair tumble down this huge slope of bones and ash and suddenly I know where Peter Jackson got the idea for that deleted scene from Return of the King when Aragorn Gimli son of Groin and Orlando Bloom visit the Apple Flavoured Ghosts and then a tidal wave of skulls just topples down from a side somewhere and I know I'm not the one who'd wondered why they'd have a giant pile of only skulls except wait they were probably just really bored MYSTERY SOLVED alright so yeah Pearl remembers he is a mage and I'm toning the abuse down from what Lostara gives him in the book frankly and they float on a bit and see the usual sites of bones, ash, symbols, dragon tracks, a gargantuan oversized dragon that is the literal embodiement of otataral crucified on some variety of cruciform structure with the very gate of Starvald Demelain behind it, more ash, portal somewhere, dragon tracks on the ground, gift shop, the usual things you see and Lostara and Pearl head over to the portal and end up in Australia where they see a pillar marked with the names of all the dragons who stuck Dragon Jesus up there including Rake, Draconus, K'rul, Osserc, Puff the Magic, and a few more probably and with the sole exception of Puff who's only there for merchandising all of the names are Soletaken Elient and Lostara is standing there thinking this is the worst date ever and I'm like hahaha lady you ain't met Crokus and Apsalar yet have you and she tells me to shut up and I tell her to look behind her and she does and OH FUCK IT'S A GIANT WALL OF FIRE THIS ISN'T AUSTRALIA THIS ISN'T AUSTRALIA AT ALL and she does that "Pearl. Pearl. PEARL!" thing you see in action movies and Pearl turns around and almost shits himself so they turn around from the giant wall of fire to see another and this is not the time for a two for one sale either but luckily they are shown temporary sanctuary by seeing a building and a lot of blood nearby so they follow it and find even more blood and a severed Imass head and then some more blood so they decide they need to get out of here and they do it somehow but Pearl takes the head and they end up somewhere on Seven Cities and the Imass head reveals it's one of Monoch Ochem's followers who dumped the Liosan - at which point they realise it was in fact Kurald Liosan and not Queensland in summer - and went after the entity in charge successfully killing it at the price of the rest of him so Pearl's like you know what Neanderthals love? Seeing a beautiful valley get cut down deforested and industrialised by humans so he sticks the Imass head in a tree and the Imass luckily likes the view so he's happy and Lostara is amazed Pearl thought of someone other than himself or someone he wanted to bone which then gave her such horrible images that she preemptively deleted the next joke so be thankful

BE

VERY

THANKFUL

So they continue on and happen across a couple of the scenes from Deadhouse Gates like the arrow-pierced dessicated corpse of Sha'ik Elder and the ratgnawed tattered corpse of Kulp and the bronze-hued broken husk-like corpse of Baudin and they're thinking ooooooooh shiiiiiiit we have pattern recognition and can put the pieces together about a new young Sha'ik and the corpses of almost everyone with Felisin and this is not going to end well and then they find the wall of the Whirlwind and need to enter and Lostara's about to head in when Pearl asks to stand in her shadow as while she's native Pardu and the Whirlwind Goddess won't give a flying swarm of dicks bit of notice to but Pearl is one quarter Andii so enter the Whirlwind which is the edge of the Goddess' warren and there'll be a big flashing light saying CAUTION CAUTION EMO ENTRY IN PROGRESS ALERT THE CLOWN GUARD CAUTION and no one likes clowns so Lostara gladly lets him and they make it through and Pearl's like HAIL TO THE KING BABY and she shrugs and shags the crap out of him in what he sadly is extremely bad at recognising as a vigorous bout of hatesex but they're happy at the moment so we'll let it pass even though the Goddess is probably watching them since they're in her warren and all but TOO LATE NOW HOPE YOU LIKE INDECENT EXPOSURE CHARGES ALSO SAND EVERYWHERE

now I'm pretty sure there's a couple of extra scenes with them before endgame but honestly I don't remember so say goodbye kiddies we'll see Pearl and Lostara in Part AWOOGA: Con Fast or Verge Harder

NEXT TIME: THE MISERABLE STENCH OF EXCELLENT SUPPORTING CAST, AGGRAVATING POV GUYS

ALSO MY BRAIN IS BLEEDING
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
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#17 User is offline   worry 

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Posted 22 June 2011 - 02:44 AM

Haha someone should make a book of this stuff.
The slower the river, the redder it runs.
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#18 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 24 June 2011 - 04:57 PM

(so the forum ate a bunch of posts and whatnot including this summary update BUT DON'T WORRY I GOT YOU COVERED)




HEY YOU REMEMBER THAT BIG BURNING BALL OUTSIDE IN THE SKY NO IT'S NOT JAMES CORDEN ON FIRE ON A BLIMP THAT'S ON FIRE THOUGH IT SHOULD BE THAT FAT UNFUNNY FUCK IT'S THE GLORIOUS HURTFUL RAYS OF THE SUN WHICH MEANS THAT IT'S THE SEASON OF SUMMARY HAHAH OH I KILL ME

righty oh we start off with the denouement of Apsalar and Crokus finding Rellock Apsalar's dad after an epic journey across Raraku and finally fighting their way into Trololor the Azath house then being deposited somewhere safe to enjo- oh he's dead WELP that was quick anyway Crokus has been thinking MAN ASSASSINS ARE COOL MY GIRLFRIEND IS AN ASSASSIN MAYBE IF I BECOME ONE I CAN SHOW HER I CARE ABOUT SHARING HER INTERESTS ALSO CUTTER IS NOT A STUPID NAME and Apsalar is thinking I WISH I HAD SOMEONE TO TALK TO ABOUT MY FAVOURITE INTERESTS OF MODEL RAILROADS AND ALCOHOL BUT NO IT'S ALWAYS MURDERING PEOPLE WITH KNIVES and because no one in any form of media can possibly talk to each other about anything at all if they don't share a gender and are under 25-30 they both remain completely useless about the whole thing so they decided after they bury Rellock that they want to go on holiday somewhere so Crokus calls up the local travel agency and they get what seems like a cool package deal to visit the mythical moving island of Drift Avali but SURPRISE it's actually Cotillion on the other end of the phone as he's taken a second job to help pay the bills for gas and dogchews so he and Crokus have a chat while working out what would be best and sadly they have to miss out on all inclusive and actual non-personally piloted boats and travel insurance because the only way they wouldn't be poor as orphans (oh that was in bad taste wasn't it) is if they sold all their knives (and they only have knives no other cutlery at all I mean have you ever seen an assassin try to eat soup it's hilarious) but they hammer out the details and Cotillion throws in a free one-time hound rental and everyone's happy except uh everyone in this plotline actually so nevermind AND WOOSH they pile into the boat and float off to Drift Avali and enroute Crokus asks Apsalar what she thinks of the name Cutter and she tells him if he uses it she's going to buy a chastity belt take the only key cut it up into seven pieces throw one piece into Kurald Galain, Kurald Liosan, Kurald Emurlahn, Tellann, Omtose Phellack, Starvald Demelain and the Imperial Warren and then put the belt on and have a headache for the rest of time itself and Crokus goes oh and never brings it up again and is referred to as Crokus for the rest of the series because while the thinking behind an impressionable young man making the mistake he is making is understandable mere comprehension doesn't stop it being really dumb IT'S MY SUMMARY I CAN REMOVE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IF I WANT TO AND IT'S STUPID so they get to the shores of Drift Avali and Crokus is pondering and asks Apsalar what about Badass McGee and Apsalar flinches then 'accidentally' tips the boat over and Crokus and Apsalar drown

the end









SURPRISE THEY DON'T DROWN AT ALL HA HA YOU WERE TOTALLY FOOLED ok so Crokus gets sucked under the island and finds himself with the wreckage of his boat in an underground cavern as much underground as a floating rock can be and he starts climbing out and HOLY SHIT IT'S SIR CHRISTOPHER LEE it's an honour sir to meet you I must say I don't find the blackface that appropriate but I'm sure it- oh no it's just a really old Andii and that's very interesting since every other Andii we've seen has been eternally thirty and FUCK YOU THEY'RE NOT ELVES YOU FUCKS and so for one to be this grizzled lined wrinkled and elderly he must be old as balls so he introduces himself as Darist and goes GREETING YOUNG MAN DID THAT CHEESEWRANGLING NIMCOMPOOP RAKE SEND YOU and Crokus is rather taken aback and says no and also WHAT'S GOING ON ALSO DID YOU SEE MY GIRLFRIEND SHE'S THE FIT ONE WITH THE DAGGERS AND THE CONDUCTOR'S CAP and Darist shrugs and goes PROBABLY DEAD, YOUNG MAN ANYWAY ALLOW ME TO SHOW YOU THIS SWORD and he shows Crokus the sword and it's a thin bladed twohander with two names one being Vengeance and the other Grief FORESHADOWING ALERT and it is the finest letteropener known to man and it makes anyone who uses it with a singular will unbeatable it was once carried by a warrior known only as the Fresh Prince of Bel Air but now Darist uses it to hit things until they die from it anyway Darist fills in Crokus on what's going on the Tiste Edur HEY REMEMBER TRULL YEAH THOSE DICKS WITH THEIR WALLS AND ELECTRIC RAZORS are after the Throne of Shadow and want it back but Rake is too badass to let them so he's thrown a large number of his own Andii children onto the island to die in his place while he lounges around in his flying mountain drinking wine writing poetry and admiring himself in the mirror and Crokus is like ACTUALLY YEAH THAT IS PRETTY DICKISH so Darist asks him his name and Crokus replies "It's Crokus but you can call me CHAD BEEFINGTON" and off in the distance where Apsalar and the other Andii are defending the Throne of Shadow Apsalar hears this in her mind and loses about seven hundred braincells and a cherished memory and Darist stops dead in his tracks, turns, stares at him and grates out between clenched teeth

I HAVE EXISTED FOR OVER FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND YEARS
I HAVE SEEN THE BIRTH OF THE UNIVERSE AND THE DEATHS OF WORLDS
I DONNED THE FINEST CRAFTED ARMOUR AND WIELDED THE FIERCEST OF WEAPONS TO BATTLE FOR MY PEOPLE WHEN YOUR RACE WAS WORKING OUT HOW TO HIT THINGS WITH A ROCK
I HAVE LIVED, REJOICED AND SORROWED HARDER THAN ALMOST ANY LIVING ENTITY IN THE ENTIRETY OF EXISTENCE
AND THAT
THAT
IS THE DUMBEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD

and Crokus is saved from a backhander of judgement by them realising the Edur are attacking so off they go and meet up with the youngest Andii currently in existance which is amazing since THEY'RE STILL HORRIBLY DEPRESSED DESPITE THE LACK OF MILLENIA FOR ENNUI WEIGHING THEM DOWN I MEAN COME THE FUCK ON and they successfully defend it but they're screwed now next push so they find out that the Edur had a skirmish with some Malazans and they did very well for themselves so Darist asks Crokus to go ask the shipwrecked survivors for help since one of them is pretty badass and somewhere in this conversation it's revealed that DARIST IS ACTUALLY ANDARIST ANOMANDER'S MIDDLE BROTHER HOLY BALLS BUT HE'S SO GERIATRIC IN COMPARISON and they find out it's because he renounced his draconic side out of what is probably grief judging by the sword name and Crokus thinks THAT IS NOT A VERY GOOD WAY TO DISGUISE YOUR NAME BY REMOVING TWO LETTERS FROM IT then remembers that people didn't know Anomander Rake was the guy in the poem Anomandaris back in Gardens of the Moon so obviously he'd never have guessed if the pseudonym had been Darust or Dave or something but anyway Crokus goes off to find the Malazans and finds a group led by a female soldier with pretty eyes and among them is a very badly burnt woman called Hawl (who was namedropped back in the beginning by Admiral Nok in a list of vanished/presumed dead Old Guard so she's more than she looks) and a large burly man with a sword who is called Traveller and everyone is scared of him because he's obviously badass I mean he's wearing sunglasses so no-one can see his eyes or what colour they are which is a clear indicator of assbaddery and also a good way to not confuse anyone or lead to threads of bickering over it so Crokus asks the pretty-eyed soldier if the badass is the magic toasted one and she replies she is a mage but no she's- wait a moment I didn't get your name and Crokus says it's Crokus but please, call me Buff Coleslaw and over by the throne where Apsalad Darist and the other Andii are laying their lives down for the Regal Assholder of Shade Apsalar feels this atrocity of nomination strike her in the brain just before the hilt of an Edur weapon can and she passes out and fortunately the others with Crokus notice so the Malazans go to head off the second wave while Crokus hauls ass towards the Throne area and gets there just in time to see the Andii dead dying or flung about like flotsam Apsalar out cold and Andarist STANDING THERE SLICING UP EDUR WITH GRIEF JUST A WAVE LEAVES THEM SPLIT IN TWAIN AND HE'S ENDURING HAVING GOUTS OF BLOOD ERUPT FROM HIS BODY UNDER THE ONSLAUGHT OF THE EDUR MAGES BELLOWING YOU SHALL NOT PASS OH YEAH BADASS OLD GUY LIKE A NEGATIVE GANDALF WHICH ACTUALLY WORKS PRETTY WELL WITH HOW OPTIMISTIC THIS GUY IS and the Edur say SORRY MATE I THOUGHT THAT WAS IAN MCKELLEN IN THE MOVIE and Andarist would have replied IT'S SIR IAN MCKELLEN YOU UNCULTURED BUFFOONS I DON'T SEE YOU HAVING A KNIGHTHOOD but he bled to death shortly before this point SO BADASS IF MILDLY OVERWHINGY and Crokus pulls out that Cotillins Holiday brochure and double checks the free hound rental and yells BLIND! I CHOOSE YOU! and Blind appears going BLIND! BLIND BLIND! and Crokus yells BLIND! USE HORRIBLE MAULING! and Blind goes to horribly maul them but it's not very effective... as the Edur mages see them first and doubletake but since they have more speed they go first because there's nothing more evil then minmaxing EV values and fuck you guys for making me research this shit for this fucking joke and Edur Mage uses SIDDOWN, BITCH! It's super effective! and Blind cowers away going Blind, Blind Blind Blind, Blind in a pathetic voice and then Cotillion has had enough of this shit and turns up himself and uses Eduricide! It's super effective! MURDERS EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING ON THIS ISLAND THAT'S EVEN SLIGHTLY GREY and fuck me it's amazing shit he's warping around with a knife that explodes Edur and a rope that's got a mind of it's own and FUCK FUCK FUCK IT JUST SHOT INTO THAT GUY'S EYESOCKET AND TORE OUT HIS BRAIN FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK COTILLION = BESTEST ASSASSIN GOD OH MAN NOW HE'S ONTO THE SHIPS KILLING EDUR LEFT AND RIGHT AND WHAT'S THAT IN THE SKY OH SHIT IT'S A UFO FULL OF ALIENS FROM THE PLANET STEREOTYPE AND EWWW JESUS CHRIST COTILLION I KNOW THE ANAL PROBE THING IS TERRIFYING BUT DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT WITH OH OH NO THAT'S DISGAHGJKHFDHGJFHWSGFHGSDFFHS so Crokus goes up and checks that Apsalar is ok which she is and that Andarist is ok which he very much isn't and Crokus picks up Apsalar when Cotillion appears holding the body of Hawl and tells him that the other Malazans are dead except Traveller and all the Edur are extremely dead and in fact if you took every T'lan Imass ever and ground them up into a fine powder then have a vampire snort it and then stake the vampire to turn it into ashes and have a zombie snort that and then destroy its brain and cremate the corpse into yet more ashes and have a ghost snort THAT, it would STILL be more alive than the Edur and Crokus looks at the figure standing in front of him currently wearing more blood than the corpse he's holding actually possessed at any one time while living and wisely says nothing and Cotillion looks at the two of them holding ladies and yells SNAP then vanishes before Crokus can point out his carry-on luggage is alive, then Traveller turns up to stay for a while and help defend the Throne and Crokus says the sword there has two names, Vengeance and Grief, and it's up to Traveller which he choOF COURSE HE CALLS IT VENGEANCE I MEAN COME ON and since it's powered by singular wills it's going to be extremely powerful in his hand --- and off to the side Cotillion and Shadowthrone appear with Hawl's corpse and they lament the deaths of all their friends and followers for their grand and neferious plans and go on about staying away from Traveller because he's probably still pissed about all the stuff in the past --- and Apsalar wakes up while they're floating off from Traveller and the Andii and Apsalar reveals that her Cotillion memories reveal a revelation about there being a third figure with Kellanved and Dancer before all the rest of the Old Guard she's talking about Traveller obviously and OH MAN YOU GUYS MUST HAVE FELT SO STUPID TO WASTE ALL THAT TIME ARGUING THAT TRAVELLER IS NOT DASSEM WITH ALL THIS EVIDENCE IN YOUR FACES SAYING YES AND ONE MENTION OF EYE COLOUR SAYING NO AND THEN CONTINUING TO ARGUE ABOUT IT ALL THE WAY UNTIL TRAVELLER WAS REVEALED AS CIRCLE BREAKER, I MEAN, REALLY GUYS, IT WAS INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS

OK so they leave and something happens and they end up at Pust's place in Raraku somehow and Apsalar asks Crokus what he's thinking and he says "What about... Chunk Rockgroin" and Apsalar backs away leaves the room gets on a horse rides the horse across the desert books a ship sails the ship across the sea lands as far away from Seven Cities as possible then drinks more alcohol than is possible to survive and Crokus says "So that's a no then" and Cotillion returns after a wash and asks him to look after three people who are approaching the Pustpad and their identities will wait til the big finale so we end our tale there

NEXT TIME IT'S RARAKU MADNESS
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
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#19 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 29 June 2011 - 06:57 PM

NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU CRASH AND DELETE ALL MY TEXT FIREFOX NOR HOW MANY TIMES YOU RUIN MY ATTEMPTS AT THIS POST WRITER'S BLOCK YOU CANNOT STOP MY WORK

I SHALL NOT BE DENIED



Anyway back to the book (working title 2 Back 2 Bookious) now there's a reason Adjunct 'Best Vulcan Impersonation Lifetime Achievement Award' Tavore and the 14th are marching off and it's because the forces of THE EMPIRE need to defeat THE REBELLION so basically House of Chains is a Star Wars movie if Obi Wan had no hands and Leia was possessed by a batshit crazy goddess and Alderaan was full of people who stuck children on giant spikes til they bled to death and Han Solo sat around and fiddled with his balls morning stars all day and Chewie had said WITNESS instead of AKFJGHEBGJHFBGH and Grand Moff Tarkin died in the first installment of the series during an incident involving a giant floating structure with ah hmm ok maybe not so much like Star Wars where was I oh yeah so after that part of Deadhouse Gates when Felisin and Heboric appeared in front of Leoman and Toblakhai WHO WAS TOTALLY KARSA DID YOU KNOW WOW AMAZING and Felisin becomes Sha'ik Reborn and bitchslaps three of her four high mages for being a dick, a fucking fucker and a pretty nice guy really she travels all the way to Aren to yell at Korbolo Dom for messing up the Christmas decorations ("DAMN IT, I SAID DECK THE TREES WITH LIGHTBULBS, NOT LIGHT INFANTRY!") she tells them all to pack up and head back home to the oasis in the middle of Raraku where they can hang out and chill while the Malazan Retribution Force slowly march their way up here ruining their shoe leather and with it all chance they have of resisting the devastating onslaught of some assorted and badly trained desert tribesmen in what I'm sure will be an incredible and aweinspiring battle scene but first: POLITICS!

We have Felisin aka Sha'ik Reborn a distraught teenage orphaned and betrayed girl blamed in horrendous fashion on these very forums by people who need to be punched in the face as being an easy slut for having to prostitute herself to stay alive back in Deadhouse Gates surviving escaping the Otataral mines and suffering some horrific losses enroute (and yes it was gruelling and at times viserally unpleasant but if you persist in blaming the character for the horrible things that happen to her then you're a piece of shit) before reaching the Rebellion side and becoming their spiritual leader in a move I'm certain won't backfire on her in any way who is doing her best to not shit herself in terror at the prospect of Tavore her sister and the one who put her into this mess in the first place coming up to attack mixed with the thought of revenge for the same thing while also dealing with Dryjhna the Whirlwind Goddess messing with her head, we have unnamed orphan aka Felisin Younger a distraught teenaged orphaned and betrayed girl adopted along with the other orphans in camp by Sha'ik Reborn trying to survive without further rape or mutilation by being friends with Karsa and Leoman and Heboric and L'oric, we have Heboric former almost-Destriant of Fener who managed to escape with Felisin Bitter to the oasis who is pretty much totally blind and hopped up on tea while seeing some crazy shit, we have Leoman who is doing his best impression of an apathetic lazy bastard (420 smoke durhang every day) and Karsa who is carving statues in a special grove while waiting for... something which will be expounded upon next time, we have the four high mages who I had to check the wiki for the first two names for spellings holy balls I am the worst Malazan fan, Febryl the ancient(?) wizen ass, Bidithal frontrunner for most repulsive character in the series, L'oric the one sane dude and Kamist Reloe the hugh mage at the Fall with Korbolo Dom, and with the exception of L'oric these guys are scheming their fucking asses off about betrayal, then we have Korbolo Dom himself who leads the forces that finally took out Coltaine's army and now call themselves the Dogslayers because they really know how to piss off vengeful powerful empires, I tell you what, and Mathok who leads some other guys and is alright, I guess; now these guys are the main figures in the camp of Dryjhna the Whirlwind Goddess and with a few exceptions their base state at any time is SCHEME PLOT AND SCHEME SOME MORE so if I don't explain what they're doing at any specific time it's that, oh and if you didn't find this rundown funny at all WELCOME TO BOTH THE POINT AND THE OASIS EXPERIENCE ALMOST ALL OF THIS IN-CAMP MANUEVERING IS BORING AS FUCK

OK so now the stage is set we can proceed to all the nothing most of the cast is doing Heboric is drinking tea and seeing everything but what's in front of his eyes including some really crazy shit but after finding out that Sha'ik had been feeding him a tea that's designed to give him more crazy visions and ruin his memory he thinks fuck it downs a vat of it and has a vision of him floating in space watching one of the Jade statues that he touched with his stump as one part of the completely accidental fucking over of Fener he did earlier and it's a majestic site of this enormous jolly green giant spinning through space SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING and he turns to follow its path and oh wow there's another one and another and another and anothfuck me there's a lot of them but where are they headJESUS FUCKING CHRIST LOOK AT THAT FUCKING THING ITS AN ACTUAL TEAR IN THE UNIVERSE INNUMERABLE LIGHT YEARS ACROSS AND ALL THE JADE GIANTS ARE PLUNGING INTO IT ARE THEY TRYING TO STOPPER THE GAP ARE THEY CHASING SOMETHING OH MAN THIS IS TOO ASTRONOMICALLY RELATIVE FOR ME SOMEBODY CALL STEPHEN HAWKING and Heboric turns around and there's a Jade Giant heading towards him giant hand first and Heboric tries to high five the titan but he realises oh no! he still has no hands! oh how embarassing to forget and he gets sucked into it and it's full of people while the outside is full of stars and this is vaguely reminiscent of a movie I saw once but anyway the guys in the Jade giant are arguing about stuff and if you're paying attention there's some subtle foreshadowing in there but it's another scene that deserves a reread so I'll finish off this section of my prolonged apology for forgetting so much detail later so Heboric 'somehow' manages to escape and what is this he can see again oh wow and his senses are superpowered and wait a minute this seems familiar yep it's Treach again and he's made Heboric his Destriant against his will as usual because he's a dick and now Heboric has superiorpowers except they're tied to a thinking entity so he might be vulnerable oh man Treach can you do nothing right and then he misses out on stopping one of the nastier things in the series due to his new singlemindedness and the Whiskered One is the worst deity, honestly so Leoman is biding his time pretending to be out of it right up until the 14th gets too close so he gets angry at not being allowed to go and raid them with enough people so he goes anyway, Karsa... does some things which I will elaborate on next time, L'oric delivers the news of Memories of Ice to the camp leaders so Felisin Bitter knows her brother is alive but he's got a secret and it's a doozy, it turns out L'oric is not only a Tiste Liosan but the son of Osserc himself, and stays the nicest least judgemental and most undouchebaggy of all Liosan in the series, the entity in charge of Kurald Thryllan was his familiar and while he couldn't save it he could mess up some of the Imass who killed it, before going off and trying to find his dad who is hiding in an ancient memory of Raraku back when the K'Chain Chemalle roamed the land with skykeeps (like Moon's Spawn but FULLY FUNCTIONAL OPERATION pimp villa) and never settled on this continent because of the Deragoth who it appears tamed humans and not the other way around, I sure hope I get ear-scratching duty and not excrement removal again, Urgg always does that shit and femur juggling thing like it's new and funny every time and I'm getting sick of it now, but suddenly WHITE DRAGON OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE and it's Osserc and they have a chat and get him a new familiar called Greyfrog and he is a boss it's a demon frog thing and he's badass, and while this is going on Korbolo Dom Kamist Reloe Febryl and Bidithal are all plotting to betray Sha'ik, Dryjhna, the Rebellion, each other and themselves with plans within plans and so forth of which the worst plan is Bidithal's because he's forming a cult by raping young girls and circumsizing them - and there is no joke here, this is a fucking repellent custom and it needs to be abolished in real life, anyone who thinks it is a good idea should be killed out of hand with no remorse because they gave up any claim to humanity when they advocated shit like this, those fuckers need to be killed as soon as possible for the total benefit of mankind, they need to be killed. Aaaaaaaaaand back to the show - now because Sha'ik is being slowly taken over fully by Dryjhna who doesn't care for the orphans, only for destruction and who sees Bidithal as a powerful tool, Sha'ik is prevented from remembering or considering Felisin Younger at all, so Bidithal manages to capture and mutilate her, after which she crawls to Karsa's carving place where L'oric and Heboric find out what happened and plot revenge while looking after her, this being the thing I mentioned Heboric missed earlier incidentally but you already knew that, let's see, oh yes, Sha'ik Reborn has a meeting with her generals where the whole subject of hot iron versus cold iron is brought up, where cold iron is far superior to hot iron statistically when you compare victory rates, the only generals she has that aren't hot iron are Karsa (who can be both) and Leoman, both of whom are out of the camp at the time, and one of the people asks her if Tavore is cold iron and SHE'S AS COLD AS ICE, BABY, COMMENCE SHITTING THYSELF

The culmination of the various plots both scheming and linewise, the final approach of the 14th, explanations of what the shit is going on and the thrilling climax will be... soon.

NEXT UP: "What I killed Who I did What I did on my holidays" by Karsa Orlong, aged 17 65
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
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#20 User is offline   Illuyankas 

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Posted 01 July 2011 - 04:37 PM

Due to technical difficulties the following summaries are delayed: this one.

Fortunately we have a replacement summary to tide you over, only infinitely times less original than this one - the Wheel of Time!

Attached File  wheeloftime.gif (27.8K)
Number of downloads: 9
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isnít me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like heís me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. Whatís in your hand, back at me. I have it, itís an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. Iím on a quorl.
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