[Aptorian]

I've been thinking about making this thread a while.

This thread is for any kind of quote. A funny/cool/noteworthy comment by a forum member, inspirational quotes from famous people or late great thinkers, movie, music and book quotes, etc.

The reason to why I wanted to make it is that I often stumble upon hilarious comments in discussions on other boards, like 4chan, reddit or on youtube, and I don't really have any way to share them.

So here goes. Completely random comment to a WTF thread on reddit:

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments...framing/c0b7sgn

Quote

I've been sticking $30 in pennies up my ass for the past 11 years! That's 3,000 pennies a day; 21,000 pennies a week; 1,092,000 pennies a year! To date that's 12,012,000 pennies, 8 times the population of Nebraska. Those pennies were in my ass! You think you're better than me? Oh, you're not better than me. You handle my ass pennies every day. You pick up my ass pennies for good luck. You throw my ass pennies in fountains and make wishes on them. You give my ass pennies to your little daughter to buy gumballs with. You handle my ass pennies every day! All of you! You all handle my ass pennies! Oh, I laugh at you before you can laugh at me. Because your pennies have been in my ass. You hear me? Your pennies have been in my ass!

Quote

i'm not even angry, i'm impressed. 3000 pennies a day. you my friend are a trooper.

Quote

And a penny pooper.

Quote

I hope most of it was in rolls.

[Silencer]

Quote

It has often been said it is better to rule in Hell than serve in Heaven.
This is defeatist talk. I intend to rule everywhere, not just in Hell.

Quote

A soft answer turneth away wrath.

Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head.

Quote

It takes a very special and strong-minded kind of atheist to smash their thumb and shout,
"OH, RANDOM-FLUCTUATIONS-IN-THE-SPACE-TIME-CONTINUUM!", or
"AAARGH, PRIMITIVE-AND-OUTMODED-CONCEPT-ON-A-CRUTCH"

Quote

Don't put your trust in revolutions.
They always come back around again.
That's why they are called revolutions.

Quote

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting
out of the way before it is understood.

Quote

What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise
Security team, who always get killed soon after appearing,
and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers,
who can't hit the broad side of a planet?

>.>

I'll stop there, because there are literally 300 of these things and counting, on a friend on ModCraft's signature (rotating).

[Battalion]

This is something my freind said to me and it made me laugh.

We were playing golf the other day and it started to rain heavily with thunder rumbling around us. My mate pulled his driving iron out of his bag and held it above his head waving it about as if to attract the attention of a lightning bolt.
Then he turned to me and said

'See, even God can't hit a driving iron.'

Made me laugh. Non golfers out there may not understand, but the driving iron is a very hard club to use.

This post has been edited by Battalion: 21 July 2009 - 10:55 AM

[Aptorian]

 Centzon Totochtin, on Jul 21 2009, 02:40 PM, said:

I've had so many people in my mouth that I don't really care what happens there any more....

Wait!....

[Zanth13]

Quote

A Good Motto to Live By

As a Good American, you should have a smile on your face and kind words for everyone yo meet. As well as a plan to kill them.

excerpt from Got Fight, the 50 zen principles of hand to face combat By Forrest Griffin

this is a brilliant book and i am sure i may put more quotes from hit... just fucking hilarious... i may even make a thread dedicated to it.

This post has been edited by Zanth13: 21 July 2009 - 03:23 PM

[amphibian]

There's an entire wiki devoted to Mark Rippetoe's awesome sayings.

Here's a couple of my favorites:

Quote

"Your muscles cannot get “longer” without some rather radical orthopedic surgery."

"On the ethics of meat eating:

Okay, have you ever been around chickens? They are stupid, uncooperative, inconvenient, ill-tempered creatures. They get what they deserve. Fuck chickens."

"You can't make people smarter. You can expose them to information, but your responsibility stops there."

[Illuyankas]

That middle one is the best quote ever.

This post has been edited by Illuyankas: 21 July 2009 - 08:41 PM

[Sinisdar Toste]

sounds like he's read a bit of goodkind in his days...

[Aptorian]

A quick recap of WW2

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?...p;defid=3821558

Quote

Germany invades Czechoslovakia.
Britain & France tell them to stop that bullshit.
Germany invades Poland.
(Russia also invades Poland from the other side: everybody forgets this.)
Britain & France declare war. This is the 'official' kick-off.
Italy, Bulgaria, Hungary, & Romania all join the German side. (Everybody forgets the last three.)
Axis forces go through Europe like vindaloo through a colostomy.
Nazis exterminate Jews, gays, gypsies, & the disabled. (everybody remembers the jews but forgets the rest.)
UK holds out.
Russia & the USA don't do shit.
Entire divisions of Danish, Belgian, Dutch, Norwegian, French & Serbian volunteers join the Axis armies & SS. (everybody forgets this & to listen to them now, they were all in the fucking resistance, which must have been MASSIVE.)
Axis forces invade Russia. Suddenly the Russians don't think it's funny any more.
Japan joins the Axis & bombs Pearl Harbor.
Suddenly the US doesn't think it's funny any more.
The USA tools up the world, 'cause it's got more factories than everybody else put together, & they're out of bomber range.
Axis runs out of steam in Russia, cause Russia's enormous & bloody freezing.
Allies invade on D-Day... 5 landings: 2 British, 2 American, 1 Canadian. (everybody forgets the Canadians.)
Hitler ends up smouldering in a ditch. Russians find the body & confirm he only had one ball. Seriously.
The US decides invading stuff is a pain in the ass and invents the atom bomb instead. Drops two buckets 'o sunshine on Japan.
Russians steal half of Europe.
UK's spent almost every penny it had.
US starts telling everybody how it was all about them, & 64 years later is still doing so.

This post has been edited by Aptorian: 22 July 2009 - 03:23 PM

[Ain't_It_Just_]

"Time is a wonderful teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of its pupils."

[Shinrei]

Food is the only thing keeping mankind from starvation.

[Zanth13]

 Illuyankas, on Jul 10 2009, 12:44 PM, said:

See, I would use two teddy bear hand puppets for solace, myself. Then I could have threeway conversations with them! And if anyone took the piss out of me, I could KILL THEM WITH MY BEAR HANDS

my new fav, illy wins

[bubba]

Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote!"
~Benjamin Franklin

[Shiara]

A couple of quotes from a little book I bought recently - hilarious

INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE
on the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and
Personal Relationships of the Marriage State for the
Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed Sacrament
and the Glory of God – by Ruth Smythers, beloved
wife of The Reverend L. D. Smythers, Pastor of the
Arcadian Methodist Church of the Eastern Regional
Conference – Published in the year of our Lord 1894
Spiritual Guidance Press New York City

Quote

“While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured… One cardinal rule of
marriage should never be forgotten: give little, give seldom and, above all, give grudgingly…”

Quote

While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man. Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage. By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband.

Quote

...she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home. One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband’s home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instil in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings… so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband’s desire for sexual expression.

This post has been edited by Shiara: 24 July 2009 - 05:17 AM

[Zanth13]

Shiara, that is a horrible horrible book....

[HoosierDaddy]

I pity L.D. Smythers to the utmost. Good thing you could still legally beat your wife then, eh? (It's a joke... but you could.)

[Aptorian]

I read the quotes before I read the introduction. I thought it was a joke book...

[Morgoth]

Eddie Murphy had some very wise words to say about this sort of thing.

[Ain't_It_Just_]

"Hell is other people."-Jean Paul Sartre.

"Love is a grave mental disease."-Plato

"Plato is a bore."-Nietzsche

"Up your nose with a rubber hose."-Unknown

And one I heard today:

"He was looking at the football like a big plate of gnocchi."

EDIT: Just heard another!

"He was getting more hits than Megan Fox's home page."

This post has been edited by Ain't_It_Just_: 24 July 2009 - 12:32 PM

[lokiman]

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.
-George Bernard Shaw

When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him.
-Thomas Szasz

Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays.
-Oscar Wilde

This post has been edited by Fearless Leader: 24 July 2009 - 05:39 PM